Just Awkward Sometimes

I’m trying to write here a bit more often, instead of writing long tweets or long facebook posts. Mostly because I like being here cause it seems like no one reads it sometimes. Or like, that is what I imagine to make this all feel safer.

My dog went to her sitter today, so that was sad, she was so happy to see her sitter and didn’t even care that I was still standing there and I felt like omg my dog doesn’t need me! 😭 She does need me though. But yeah, I guess that’s better than her looking distressed!

I’m going back to Saskatchewan for a couple of weeks. There’s my family to visit and some friends and things like that. And also I just feel more grounded when I’m on the land there. I am torn about what to bring, if I should bring a bunch of prime lenses or just try to cruise by on one or two lenses. I don’t want to bring all my gear cause I just don’t see myself making something that requires all of that. And then my audio gear, I should bring something right? I like recording Saskatchewan ambience for whatever purposes. Like thunderstorms and bird calls specific to that area. I probably can’t bring the blimp and deadcat because that’s just too big. I should have got it a pelican case. I was like “NOOOO I don’t need a big pelican case for my blimp! It can stay in this flimsy cardboard box!” A fool!

Anyway. For sure I am bringing my camera and a lens. Because I found out where my Great Grandpa’s buffalo horn chair is being kept, and we got a time when we can go see it! We have to drive there. It might be moved to a different day because of an emergency, but we’ll find out soon! If not, we see it on Thursday! And I am gonna try and get some photos and footage of it. I doubt we can touch it. But to see it will be nice. It would be amazing to get to sit in it but I’m not gonna be torn up about it if we can’t. This chair was one of the things he made to sell to settlers to provide for his family.

I’m starting to realize in regards to my life and career that if I work my ass off for the next while, like the rest of the year, I could make a lot of money. I mean probably next year too. And the year after that. And… But seriously, I feel like I’m operating at 30% and if I can get it to at least 90% I could accomplish a lot of things. I have these amazing opportunities for various projects and I really need to see them through. It’s an energy issue, I get so fatigued so easily. But I think it’s because I don’t feed myself properly. If I had more proteins for breakfast and lunch that would help. I mean it’s really silly having a human body like “food makes body move yay” it’s so basic. Give myself food and water and sleep those are not unreasonable requests. But I forget to have breakfast, or try to pretend coffee is a breakfast food. And I’m bad about water, I forget to hydrate all the time. And sleep!? Pfft. I CAN sleep really well but also I have sleepless nights where I think of all the ways I was wronged, WHICH IS NOT HEALTHY. Or all the terrible things I did. Or getting into mega trouble with the law or something, I dunno, being put in the stocks in front of the art world or something. And not in a fun way!

I’ve been consistently testing negative for COVID 19 in every single COVID test I have done this entire pandemic. It’s kinda weird. I was in a situation not too long ago where I was in a room with a lot of unmasked people (and I was unmasked because I was eating) and I was thinking “OH SHIT if I get COVID it’s gonna be here! I just know it!”

Nope. Still not COVID, no symptoms, nothing.

I don’t get it. So many people I know have gotten it. I know some people say I could have gotten it and been asymptomatic so I didn’t test. I don’t know. I just know I haven’t even had a cold this entire time. Not since the bad cold I had when I got back from Berlin when the pandemic was hitting. It could have been COVID I guess. But haven’t been sick since then. I’ve been on airplanes with unmasked people. I’ve been in busy restaurants. I’ve been in movie theatres. I’ve been at concerts. I don’t think my experience is universal though, I’m aware it’s kind of an anomaly. There are others who never got it. But yeah, I really just wish there was a test I could do that could tell me I’m really truly vaccinated enough to not worry about it anymore. I’ve had four shots. I’ve been on top of getting my shots as soon as possible. I mask when I’m not eating. I don’t know. I’ve been directly exposed to COVID (unmasked to boot!) because people have contacted me to tell me they tested positive the day after seeing me or things like that, and yet still I’ve never gotten it.

So honestly my comfort with COVID risks is higher than most people, but I think it’s because I haven’t gotten it yet. YET. It could still happen. I still bring masks with me places and all that tho, like the mask mandates here are gone but I still wear them into stores and stuff. I don’t know. I did not foresee the pandemic lasting this long.

I’ve been doing a solitary post mortem on my last relationship (and a few other relationships really) and I’m regretting how much of myself I held back from partners or potential partners. I mean maybe people think I just overshare with everyone, but I don’t really put my vulnerabilities out there with partners. I mean even the fact that weeks/months will go by with me knowing perfectly well that I’m in genuine love with someone, I find it very hard to actually say the words until it’s over.

I had this really hard therapy session a year ago or something where I talked about all the trauma I had from my hospitalization in Montreal, and I was like, crying a lot about it and trying to explain how terrifying it is to be in four point restraints, and I think it was the first time I’d really been able to process it with someone. And then she said “You need to be talking about this, this is what is going to bring in your future partner.” But then when I tell that story to someone I’m dating, I chop out all the emotions from it and usually just say something like “I can’t do bondage yet because I was in a hospital in four point restraints.” But that’s kind of a bloodless explanation of what happened. I don’t know, I seem like a vulnerable person to outsiders, but in relationships I’m always guarding my history.

Because I don’t want people judging me for how poor I grew up, or because of what intergenerational trauma does to families, and probably also because I date a lot of settlers and I just… ugh. Dating settlers is hard. I don’t hate them or anything, it’s just awkward sometimes.

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