So therapy is going well. Sometimes I feel like I’m just flailing around in my own mess of a life and she’s watching me and being supportive, but sometimes I have great insights and she reframes something that helps me think of things differently.
Anyway, I was telling her about smoking weed, because that is happening again, and she got concerned because that’s a different level of sobriety than I was doing before. And I think I tried to justify it or something but later on she was telling me how I don’t have to do that. I can do something and not have a reason for it besides liking it. So I’m trying to be like ok yeah I was sober from weed before and now I’m not because I like smoking weed and it makes me feel better.
It’s funny cause I really do have to mostly stick to Mango Haze which has a lot of CBD in it but also THC but even then it’s not a super disabling type of weed cause it’s a sativa. Anyway I guess what I am saying is I’m still trying to be responsible and not turn into a slacker or something because I’m using weed again. Like get my work done and you know for the most part I HAVE been getting my work done. And the times I can tell my brain is mushy has less to do with me being buzzed and more to do with me having forgotten my Vyvanse that morning. Which unfortunately happens and makes me a rambly talker on panels and what have you, so I try to remember when I can.
ANYWAY yeah therapy is great, cause she also said you know I don’t have to justify other things either, like taking a vacation and that kind of thing. I can just stand in my integrity and be like “yeah that’s what I did because I made that decision.” I don’t need to give anyone a reason for anything really.
I made what I thought was a bad decision to write about my feelings to an ex. But now I’m thinking it wasn’t a bad decision so much as a bad but not entirely unexpected outcome.
I’m kind of not sure how I feel about dating right now just cause I felt really burned by my last romance or whatever. And not that they are a bad person it was just messy and painful for me. But I don’t know how much space I have in my heart right now for anyone. Which sucks because it’s spring time and people are horny and I’m definitely getting flirted with by other people. But like, yeah, I just don’t know if I can trust someone right now. I don’t even know if I can trust myself because I saw my last romance SO DIFFERENTLY than the other person involved saw it. I mean there’s an entire summer still to come also, lots could happen.
HA HA Oh right so the weed roulette thing was because I mostly smoke Mango Haze cause I know what to expect from it (and it stops my knees from hurting) but I’m also super into joints so sometimes I’ll roll up like, three joints so I don’t have to roll again for a while. And sometimes one joint will fall into a mess of things or whatever and when I clean up I find it again. BUT sometimes I’m not smoking Mango Haze, I’m smoking something stronger. So now when I find these lost joints, I don’t know what’s in them. And I have to decide if I can risk it or if I should roll more Mango Haze to be safe.
I came to write here because I am behind on a writing project due today. So this is my warm up writing really. I like writing here because it’s so low pressure, no one pays me to say anything here. I can talk about masturbating for an entire entry if I want. Not today tho!