Monthly Archives: January 2022

Going on Year 3

bear cub
A bear cub on a branch

I’ve been in a weird mood. I feel like I’m definitely in the middle of a pretty wibbly part of the pandemic. I’m not sure what my feelings are from one moment to the next. Some days are really hard, and then the next day is fine, and then some other day I am doing work and feel better, or just weird things. If I think about my emotional/love life too hard I get sad, but then my career will cheer me up. Which probably sounds backwards to most people but genuinely most of the time my career is the thing making me happy.

Anyway, I got nominated for a Teddy Award in the Exhibition category. That’s exciting! It’s my second time being nommed for a Teddy and I would really like one. I also know the project that’s nominated isn’t super queer except that I made it. Which was the same with the other project I was nominated for a Teddy. So I dunno sometimes I wish I was doing really overtly queer stuff in these moments. Except I am but those show other places.

What else? I mean I think we are all in a pretty wibbly state right now. A lot of death around us and sickness and it’s just hard. I don’t even know what to tell people when they tell me they have it. I feel like it’s so cruel how far we are from each other.

I got invited to a festival on a continent I would love to visit for the first time, but I’m too worried about bringing covid with me and infecting them so I probably won’t physically be able to go. I don’t know, my rules are constantly changing. Apparently COVID cases in the US are going down if you look at wastewater covid data. I don’t know about Canada.

Mostly I’m angry that so many world governments just abysmally failed their people. Even Canada. Canada’s too busy attacking Indigenous land defenders in favour of climate change to actually put in some kind of COVID strategy. We didn’t even have widespread access to tests until now. It fucking sucks here. And yet I’m staying here cause it’s my fucking homeland. Or close to it anyway cause I’m not in my territory. I mean the USA is also my homeland tho, the border crossed us!

Things are good and bad and all kinds of things. I don’t even know how to write my blog posts anymore when so much of my career is happening in secret. I recently got asked for a screener from a company that’s ridiculously huge and mainstream and it was so weird. Like me? Pervy lil dyke punk kid me???

I still think of myself like I’m a teenager actually. Like just thinking of myself still being at heart a little punk dyke whose inevitably at odds with the system. I don’t know.

I’ve got to do laundry today, I’m out of socks, out of so many things. I should go do that.

I don’t know why I wrote this post. I feel like I didn’t update you on anything at all. Here’s me going on year 3 of a pandemic in my apartment. Gonna go heat up pizza then do laundry for the thousandth time. WOOOOOO

Oh god it’s late

I don’t know I thought I could check in.

I had to cancel my trip to Berlin because I had a dream about a dead bear with a human hand, and then I saw a dead bear on my FB newsfeed. And it was too close to the dream and I just got bad feelings and yeah, now I am not going to Berlinale. BUT my video installation will still be there, if you are there and want to see it.

To be clear I don’t mean EVERYONE in Berlinale is gonna get COVID. I just felt like it was too many warnings for myself to go. So maybe I would just have had bad luck and gotten sick and had to stay longer or was otherwise really messed up by going while most people were fine. I don’t want to chance it. So yeah.

Now I am gonna get all these Aeroplan points which could get me lots of plane flights. And I have some ideas but like nothing for sure, especially right now while I am waiting for a better picture of COVID right now cause the damn thing keeps changing.

I’m doing exciting things in my career. Like, some secret stuff and some more fun creative stuff and all kinds of things. It’s coming together! Ha ha ha. I really wish I had an assistant though, because I’m so tired of the paperwork. But then I would need to trust someone AND know I can pay them for a specific length of time. I used to be nervous about handing my email over, but honestly I don’t get very many personal emails. ALTHOUGH maybe I should start switching to a work email. Like dedicated to work and not getting emails from like, Betty’s Toy Box or Kink dot com. I think it would be nice to separate parts of my life like that.

I’m starting to feel like I can ease up on the weed. I’ve been getting low thc stuff, so it’s mostly CBD. But it does give a mild buzz. But I’m realizing sometimes I just like feeling more clear than other times. Like, clearer than even the really low THC stuff. Like not on it at all. So I’m gonna try and have some times where I’m not using it. Usually I stop in the evening cause it lasts for the rest of the night. But I could stop earlier. I dunno. Also I could go back to mostly using the oil because it’s more steady than trying to smoke enough puffs. PLUS I am remembering the things I didn’t like about smoking, like dry mouth, and the cough, and the smell. I dunno. I’m figuring it out and trying not to let old shame stuff bother me. It really does make my knees feel so much better is the thing, and I was getting pretty disabled by my arthritis like it was difficult to do stairs and I live on the second floor.

What else? I am making a film but I’m making it slowly. Like the first half was shot in 2018, and now I am finishing it. It’s got Super 8 in it which is fun. But I want to get more textures into the images, so I ordered a bunch of sharp and colourful things and am gonna experiment a bit. Its so hard to manipulate Super 8 in that way compared to 16mm. Like 16mm is just so much bigger. And these are teeny tiny frames. Aw fuck I should order a magnifying glass. Ha ha done.

I feel guilty buying work related things, even when they are relatively inexpensive. Like buying that stuff today wasn’t anywhere as pricey as something else I recently got. AND it’s for work. It’s just a weird work expense.

I’ve started a daily drawing practice, and for the most part I’ve managed to draw something every day since the beginning of the year. I am okay at it. I can see a style is emerging but I need to started getting more detailed after doing initial sketches. I just want to know I can draw decently for when I begin really working at making assets for my video game. So far I’ve drawn myself and the dogs and a friend. I also started doing Wordle like everyone, I only did two, the first I got in like five guesses, and the second I failed. So we’ll see what tomorrow brings.

I woke up this morning feeling so bummed out. Then I did work for a while and eventually was filming some Super 8 and getting happier again. And doing that creative stuff that makes me happy. And then at the end of the day I was watching The Descent because it was my movie of the day (I am back to watching one new movie every day like in the early days of the pandemic) and starting to get sad again. And I mean also entertained but sad, about the scattering of community that is happening right now while we are trying to get this wave under control. And I did also visit two people on the phone and zoom, so it’s not like I was ALL ALONE today. I just had a hard day I guess. And yet it was also productive and meaningful?

There are still good things in this world. I know that. It’s just so oppressive, to see this unknown timeline unfolding of this pandemic crushing our social lives and making us so isolated from each other.