Monthly Archives: October 2018


I’m trying to be cautious in what I write online, which kind of sucks. I mean it’s not like I have deep dark secrets I am currently harbouring or anything. It’s just that people like scaring me by reminding me how much of my life I talk about publicly. And it makes me wonder about my long thing about making personal things really public. I know there was a wave when people kept really personal blogs and I don’t know if that is still happening. And to be honest, I think maybe my concerns have changed since I started this blog. When I started I was living in Strathcona in Vancouver in a two room apartment filled with mice and eeking out some kind of post-psych ward existence struggling with addictions. And now I’m like, 40, and have eggs frozen to make a baby hopefully, and spend free time knitting sweaters for my dogs in my sometimes clean one bedroom apartment in downtown Toronto. I dunno I guess I don’t know what is so exciting about that. I kind of also don’t know what is so private about having frozen eggs and a knitting hobby. Like there are numerous women who have blogs about IVF. And knitting!

Anyway, I think it’s because I am still trying to date and get to know people and not scare them off by leaving this overshare blog where they think I’m gonna spill their secrets or something. And I guess part of me wants to keep some kind of mystery when really I just have like, everything laid out here.

BUT That isn’t always a bad thing. I’ve had some more professional writing gigs in recent times and in fact just got asked tonight to do another one based the writing I do here on my blog. Which always kind of surprises me. Cause it’s so much a personal blog and not really like, professional work.

I have Toronto Queer Film Festival coming up this week, on Thursday! Until Sunday! I’ve been involved for a couple of years now and I’m super pumped about this year’s festival because we put a lot of work into it and I think we are getting some good interest and the programming is really solid. And we’ve gotten some decent funding this year, and 45% of the films are by Indigenous directors which is pretty fucking amazing. I’m proud of that. I’m supposed to do intros and q and a’s for some of the screenings so be prepared to watch me be awkward on stage ha ha. Maybe I won’t be though. Sometimes I am fine.

Mom’s visit was good. A little crowded at the end, I have a very small apartment. But overall nice, and she helped me get a new Smart TV that has internet things like youtube and Netflix and Amazon Prime on it which is super sweet. And we saw so many good films at ImagineNATIVE, and people seemed to like my film. And I had some nice down time after she went home.

AND I bought a bowtie, which I struggled with because it’s not a clip on. I still haven’t figured out how to tie it. It’s fucking gorgeous. It’s also so fucking hard to tie and I don’t know why! There’s a loop somewhere I need to push a piece through and I can never find it. I’ve watched three YouTube tutorials and still have failed to get it together. I’m gonna try again in case I can wear it to the festival. Because that would be sweet. But yeah. I don’t know the length I need, I don’t know where the fucking loop is. Ha ha shit. I need a dapper gay man to show me, that’s really what I need. I always see them running around in bow ties and I dunno, I had never realized it was such a challenge ha ha. A skill! And I feel like as a butch I would be more handy and dapper if I knew how to tie a fucking bow tie!


I’m learning how to knit a sweater. It’s only the second thing different from a scarf that I have made. Scarves are so meditative to knit, so simple, just one big even chunk of fabric. BUT THIS omg. I had to measure Posey to fit it. And I had to learn how to knit in the round. I had to undo a few hours of work and start over when I realized it was different to do ribbing in the round than regular knitting. Anyway, now it looks better, even tho it’s still just at the beginning really. But it’s gonna look so cute on Posey. I think it will be her indoor sweater. Something for when the air conditioning is too much or there’s a draft in the winter. I still have to get through the chest increases and how to read this pattern. I hope it goes ok!

I’m flying to Melbourne next week, like not this week the week after, after TQFF. I’m going with my friend Riki and I’m so nervous! I’ve never been on such a long flight. On the other hand, I’m excited to get to Australia. I want to see some amazing things and animals. And then again I am scared of flying through the States, which I am doing. And THEN AGAIN I am legit going to Texas in February so I may as well suck it up and at least see what it’s like to fly through an American airport or two before going to the state with all the guns. I mean, the open carry people, not like I’m gonna be armed or anything wacky and creepy.

Yeah, it’s that thing again, where when Mom and I went to London we had to accept that there could be some emergency, and when we were there there was a failed terror attack. But again, I don’t want to let fear of current events keep me from living my life and doing my things.

Tattoo Done! Roboboot DONE!

SO I FINISHED MY TATTOO! OMG! I’m so glad, it was like an hour and a half to two hours of work. I had a rough time, especially doing the leaves at the top near my neck, I admit to making some pain noises while she did those. BUT IT’S DONE! I’m never getting my neck tattooed tho fuck that’s hardcore and not for me!

I think it’s beautiful and now I need to find more lowcut shirts.

ALSO (Dun dun dun!) I got my roboboot off! I went to the Fracture Clinic and they gave me a new X-ray and the doctor said the bone has finally united and I can go back to flat shoes. So I went home in a boot and took it off and put my shoes on to walk around the house because I’m still a little nervous. And it’s fine honestly. My foot is not used to moving in the way it moves tho, because it was immobilized and now it has the chance to flex. So that is gonna take getting used to. I went down the stairs just now for the first time to get mail from the postie, and it was so weird to realize I can walk down the stairs normally again. I started out doing my gibbled one foot next foot on same step routine and then realized there wasn’t a high boot preventing me from being more normal. WOW! It’s a miracle!

It didn’t heal perfectly though, I’d say there’s a tiny section that still needs to fill in. But for the most part it’s united, and it doesn’t hurt to walk on, and it’s so bizarre being whole in my body again and having this life back. I’m so relieved. I’m going to Australia soon, and I was just like “OH FUCK” I did not want to be in a roboboot over there or going on such a long plane flight. And even worse, I was initially worried I would need to do surgery and would be on crutches or have to wait until the new year. I dunno, I saw my life in this boot or healing for a long time and it was bumming me out. And honestly IT WAS a long time to heal, it took about 12 weeks. Which is twice as long as it should have taken. The last six weeks I was super cautious though which probably helped, I wore the boot all the time except for sleeping and showering. And I should have been more cautious initially I guess. But who knows. Either way, it’s off, it’s done, my bone is gonna do it’s remodeling stage for the next six months or whatever, and for now I can go on with my life. The doctor said I didn’t need a follow up appointment. SO AWESOME!

Anyway, today Mom is coming for a visit until the 25th, which will be interesting! We are gonna do ImagineNATIVE stuff. And I gotta clean the apartment before she comes, it’s my only only job and I only have four hours left to do it. So I should get on that!

Invisalign Week 3

So the very first day I was sick, I also went to the dentist to get my new Invisalign stuff put in my mouth. I have six attachments on the top and four on the bottom. The first two weeks my top tray got all shitty and kind of falling apart. I just moved to tray #2 last night and I am hoping I can be more careful with it when I remove it. I didn’t expect the first tray would get cracks in it from being yanked out so badly. ANYWAY yeah, this is gonna go on until August of next year, 23 trays! If my teeth move well, we might go from switching every two weeks to every ten days. But I don’t want to push it. It seems most of the movement happens the first three days, then it’s just letting the teeth settle.

I’ve been reading stories online from people who are doing this, and a main complaint seems to be massive pain. I have to say, I had braces as a kid and THOSE were fucking hellacious. Like I would be crying when they went on and every time they got adjusted. I couldn’t eat corn on the cob. It was sad times! This is more of a pressure and mild discomfort, not really horrible at all. And being able to take it out is nice. That being said it seems to need to be on 22 hours a day. I read somewhere 20 is fine but everyone else says 22.

It’s been weird brushing my teeth so much. Unless I am eating, my mouth is minty fresh. I’m trying to eat less just because taking them out is such a drag. But also the first week I was only eating three times a day and I didn’t have proper groceries and I was getting super hungry and I was just so fucking miserable. And also I was drinking a lot of sparkling water, because drinking things like cola/juice/etc stain the trays. So I got SO TIRED of water, and ended up doing this thing where whenever I get to eat, I’ll like chug a whole bunch of some other fun drink like coke or beer or flavoured pop or something. And it’s made life a little less miserable.

I honestly don’t see much difference looking at Tray #1 to my current Tray #2. But I was having trouble closing my lips over my teeth with the tray in last time, and now it seems to be easier. So possibly there is some imperceptible movement I am not noticing yet. I go back at the beginning of November to get more trays and also let the dentist see what is going on with my mouth and if it is working. I already found out about the “compliance” markers on my Invisaligns which are these blue dots that fade and are supposed to go clear if you wear them enough. BUT I mostly chew on one side of my mouth, and for whatever reason even tho the trays are out when I am chewing obviously, it’s only that side of the compliance markers that is fading. And also it never did get clear, I did have them out for a long time when I have coffee in the morning, and a couple of times when I went out to eat.

The beginning of the 2 weeks with a new tray seems to involve a hard time getting the top tray off. It’s where my overbite is obviously, so I guess that is part of it. Sucks to be me! Ha ha. I hope I can figure it out this time around without my tray falling apart.

I dunno, 23 trays! 21 left! And then possible adjustments. And then retainers for the rest of my life to wear at night. I had this procedure called “IPR” which is where they file down between your teeth to make room for them when they are overcrowded. I had it on my bottom teeth. It was fucking SCARY! She had basically a circular saw that was really tiny that she was using to cut between them. And then she would measure to see if she got the right spacing between them. I’d never heard of it before. I heard other people get all bloody when it happens but I didn’t. And I was so sick at the time. And it took like, three hours, so long. I was so sick omg.

I guess it sounds kind of self-involved to get Invisalign or something, I dunno. I know I wanted to get it last year when I got the REVEAL award, but instead we used that money to go to England and Scotland. Which to be honest, was more fun. I’ve just been lucky enough this year to get enough work to cover this and the egg freezing. And I had really liked having straight teeth in my youth, and as time went on they shifted back because I wasn’t wearing a retainer. I kind of ran away from my orthodontist to be honest. He was awful, he didn’t even wear gloves. And he was always so mean. OMG that orthodontist office was awful. There was one who was really nice, but of course I didn’t get that one. Anyway, yeah, I should probably figure out how to wear these trays more hours in a day. And I just might have to give up coffee for a while. I’ve gone from two cups a day to one. Which bums me out but it’s something at least.

ANYWAY yeah that’s the scoop! I have to clean my apartment today because tomorrow I finish my tattoo (HOPEFULLY!) and the day after go to the fracture clinic and then Mom comes in the afternoon. I’m nervous about the tattoo, I so want to finish, it would look so beautiful, and I want to finally have a break from going in until my next big tattoo idea. But it hurts so much. Last time I took a T3 when I went in, but to be honest it probably worked even worse than if I had gone in without a T3. So I’m just gonna go in without any painkillers, no numbing, back to my usual thing of having eaten and having some kind of sweet drink with me for breaks. She’s really good at talking me through the pain, so I am just gonna go as hard as I can and see what I can get done. I know it probably seems weird for someone with so many tattoos to say this, but they fucking HURT! I think it’s just that they are worth it when you have a good artist, they look SO GOOD! They make me feel like I belong in my body more each time. But yeah they fucking hurt. Definitely more painful than Invisalign. Maybe not as painful as two years of braces tho.

Cautiously optimistic

It’s thanksgiving weekend here in Canada and like a chump I didn’t line up a turkey dinner at all. It’s too bad. I know the whole politics around it and why would an Indigenous person celebrate thanksgiving and blah blah blah but I still miss the turkey and cranberry sauce.

I performed Love Is The Only Socially Acceptable Psychosis at 7a*11d this past week, and I had a HUGE crowd and a lot of positive responses. I was so sick this past week though, like if I could I would have just laid in bed all week, but the show must go on! I was worried I was gonna pass out on stage. And I don’t know why I am so honestly shy and socially anxious in “real life” yet still fine with stripping in front of dozens of Torontonians. It’s just weird.

I’m getting better, not so sick. Still snuffly though. I had a sore throat the very first night I got sick but it went away thank god, and turned into mostly a runny nose/sweaty cold. It’s been brutal. I miss my health ha ha. It sometimes feels like I’ll never be freed of it, even though I can feel myself getting better every day.

I finally walked the dogs today and my foot didn’t hurt. It wasn’t healing for the longest time, but something tells me it’s actually healing now. I have an appointment with the fracture clinic in a week and a bit, and I am hoping I get some good news. By then it will be just over 12 weeks since I broke my 5th metatarsal. I am so busy and out of town so much the next few months that I’m worried if we do have to do surgery it will need to wait until January. I’m going home for a month at Christmas, and I am going to Australia for two weeks in November, and generally busy with other things besides all of that. ImagineNATIVE is coming up and I am screening a video there. And TQFF is in the very beginning of November and I’ll be busy with that.

I still think about doing another IVF/egg retrieval cycle while I have youngish eggs. Like younger than they will be when I am 41 anyway. I don’t know. I know I have really unknown chances of making a baby with my eggs and part of me wishes I could just already try it and see what happens. But I don’t have a surrogate figured out yet. And I haven’t even taken the sperm donor to the clinic to leave a specimen and get it checked out. And I know they have to quarantine that for a few months still. It’s such an involved process.

I’m not really sure what my future will bring in terms of my family I want to have. I have noticed my priorities have changed in the last several months, especially in terms of what I am looking for in a partner. I’m still on OKCupid and someone liked me and sent a message but it’s the second woman to like and message me looking for a date who says very clearly in their profile that they are not looking to have children. So I’m not even sure why they are messaging me. Like it straight up says in my first paragraph of my bio that I want kids. I dunno, people are weird. Maybe they think they can squeeze some sex out of me anyway or something. I’m really into sex but also I am really tired of dating people who only want a good time. And I don’t want to get attached to someone who is gonna devalue me in the end anyway so they can dump me and move on to the next good time.

I’m finally I think having some decent realistic self esteem, which is good. Like I can see my good qualities and things. And when people treat me kind of shitty like they don’t see those things, it just really makes me shake my head and move on. I’m trying to break some old patterns. It’s hard, I have certain situations I keep falling into and getting really involved with. But I think I’m more able to see it and redirect.

I dunno, what else? The dogs are in a good mood. Little Mister has been dancing around a lot. He’s a pretty happy guy these days. Posey loved her walk today, she hasn’t seen the park in a while. I finally stopped crying over someone a couple of weeks ago and it’s been way better. I think I cried for like a year and it was intense and so ridiculous and I was starting to worry people in the courtyard of my co-op could all see me crying everyday. Ha ha omg. ON THE OTHER HAND crying is very healing and I guess I was going through larger issues. I’m feeling cautiously optimistic about life right now.