It’s a week after the verdict. It’s been a rough week for a lot of us I think. A lot of my friends got pissed at the silence and indifference of white settler Canadian friends and unfriended a bunch of people. In some regards I think I probably overdid it, even tho I only unfriended 34 people. But in another regard I was really fucking pissed off and needed to do it for myself. I didn’t want to be an indifferent white Canadian settler’s Indigenous friend. Like you know, “I’m not racist, I have an Indigenous friend.” Anyway, I will probably friend a few of those people again. But I was done. DONE.
I had a really hard time sleeping the first few days after the verdict, the weekend really. I felt my mind just going a million miles an hour feeling like the worst kind of angry mania. SO ANGRY. I was rehearsing fights with people and thinking of a lot of the shitty things people were saying online. It got to the point I was scaring myself and worried I would need to check into the hospital. I was out of town Sunday until Tuesday and it kind of calmed down then. I was going to come home and start taking my Ativan again. But it turns out I didn’t need it, because I was finally able to get some decent sleep.
I felt really non-sexual most of the week too, which is super unusual for me. Like it just all shut down. It’s coming back though, and I am feeling a bit more human.
I’m also really sad these days. That also started getting hard, and I was again worried I might have to check into the hospital.
I can’t imagine a worse place to be right now than a psych ward though. A bunch of unstable white people with no filters? No thank you. There’s enough of that in the comments section without having Racist Tiffany spitting on me while I try to eat mushy grey green beans. Racist Tiffany can stay somewhere else. I’m just gonna stay in my lil apartment doing my things.
Yesterday I finally had time to do laundry and clean. It’s a million times better in here. I smudged the house down and had a cry. I’ve been crying off and on really. BUT the funny thing is I have also just been crying off and on anyway before all this. I feel like I’m purging something. I was gonna buy corner store flowers yesterday for myself, but they were sold out cause it was after Valentines Day. They just had these really sad plants. Nope. None of those.
I am getting groceries today. I’ve been eating poorly. A lot of snacks.
I got a passport renewal application yesterday. Mine runs out next month, and I just have a feeling I am going to want to go somewhere soon.
Yeah, I don’t have a real good analysis today. It’s been a frustrating week, and my mental health is right now the main thing I am trying to focus on. I think a lot of us are recognizing we need to look after ourselves. I felt burnt out yesterday. Just soooooo sick of it all. And seeing how many white Canadians support Colten’s murder, that is fucking sick. It’s been hard. On some level I knew this was what Canada was about, killing Indians, getting rid of us so they can have the land and no more problems. It’s been going on for hundreds of years. In another sense, seeing people so proudly state that is their intent is chilling. Like do you hear yourselves? How can you look in a mirror and feel any kind of goodness about your immortal soul?????!
Anyway yeah. Sometimes I feel okay. I can look at funny memes and laugh, make jokes. Other times it’s soooooooo dark. Things are very polarized in Canada right now. And when I think about it, they always were. At least now we know who these people are. I’d be curious to see the statistics on Facebook of how many Canadians unfriended people this past week. It’s been a lot.