There’s one day left of my four day weekend! It’s been awesome.
Work went well last week, I know I can handle three full days. But more than that would definitely stress me out too much. Having four days off three days on is a good balance for me. Especially since I have some other work to do.
I was gonna apply for a Canada Council grant, but I can tell that is not happening this round. I just don’t have it in me, I’m really unsure of what to apply for, I don’t want to send in a half baked idea and then be committed to something major with lukewarm feelings about it.
I did WAY less crying this weekend, so that was nice. I’m also sort of avoiding thinking about what was making me cry tho, and I know the avoiding is not a great strategy and I gotta deal with it.
I am also realizing I do not trust very many people in my life. Like, maybe two? No, three. Out of my entire social sphere, that is not very many. I don’t completely distrust everyone else, I just notice there have been very specific patterns with friends and lovers in my life that involve intense intimacy (even platonic intimacy) for a limited period followed by completely being abandoned. And it’s happened enough times that I think there is something to be said for figuring out why I attract those kinds of people into my life. Like, I do have LONG TERM best friends, like my friend Laurel and I have been best friends for 37 years and still tell each other mostly everything. And my friend Robin and I have known each other for 15 years and it’s good and I don’t see us stopping. So there are people I can form long term friendships with and feel safe with and be really close to, even if we temporarily drift or aren’t in as much contact. Like I know they are only a phone call/text/email away and will be there for me. And my friend Riki is someone I have been close to for a shorter period, but I can tell she and I have that kind of long term friendship potential. Like it’s there, it’s just that we haven’t been as close as we are now for as many years as the other two. OH and my friend Lynn and I are still really close. Okay maybe a couple other people, but they are far away.
But yeah, there have been a number of people I’ve been super close to and then it just like, gets kind of cold and chilly and weird and they are off to the next thing and have new friends and not really any more time for me or my needs. Like it’s weird, that that is a recognizable pattern in my friendships. I kind of know why this is happening, I think learning how to deal with this ongoing pattern is something I need to figure out though. Like, I definitely need to let go way sooner. I think I hold on and try to make things work when really I should just accept that I’ve been discarded and move on.
And there are good things about knowing I have a small number of friends I know for sure I can rely on. Like at least I have that, and I know they aren’t gonna mess with me or abandon me. And I think what I like about them is that they can argue with me and we know it doesn’t mean the end of our friendship. And vice versa. And that’s comforting, in a weird way. I don’t mean like I always fight with my friends tho, I just mean if someone is doing something that might hurt themselves, the other can be like “Don’t do that thing again! Or do it but don’t say I didn’t warn you.” Which is kind of useful in a friendship.
But anyway, it’s really not so bad if someone doesn’t want to be my friend. I would rather know sooner than later. I think what makes me laugh tho is that according to my facebook I have 800+ friends. But according to me, I would say maybe 5-6 people I actually call when I am sad. Which is still a good number. It could be worse. Maybe there are levels of friendship, and I just need to learn when someone is going to be a Level 10 friendship or maybe they are more of a Level 3 or 1 like further away from me and not as involved and knowing very little about me and my interests and what makes me happy and sad and upset. Like I would say most of my facebook friends are a Level 1. And then family is just in a whole other category.
But yeah, maybe my sadness comes from trying to fit a Level 1 or 2 into a Level 10 slot. Like they just don’t have that kind of commitment and interest. Which is fine, whatever. But like, I’m tired of fighting to get attention from these people when I could call up one of my best friends I’ve known for years and talk about my dogs and cuties and find out what is happening in their neighbourhood.