A Shambles!

Ha ha I try not to write personal things here, especially about relationships, I have failed at that rule sometimes though. My romantic life is a shambles right now, and I’m not seeing anyone but things are weird. But I mean things are always weird for me. I quit my OKC and HER accounts, because HER was tricking me and being a shady app, and OKC was demoralizing because I’ve answered 700 questions and so when I see things people answer in certain ways I’m just turned off and I’m sure it goes both ways. And because I haven’t gotten a date from there since March. I’m still working at this Meeting People Through Life thing, and it’s definitely let me get to know people in a way better way than dating profiles ever could, or wayward first dates where I’m totally awkward and shy and unable to reveal my personality because I’m terrified. Like I think there is definitely some merit towards the Friends First philosophy of dating. It’s just getting beyond that that is hard for me.

It’s been so fucking hot ever since I came back. Boiling! Today it’s finally cooling off, but even my A/C wasn’t cutting it. It was brutal. Last night Little Mister refused to sleep in the bedroom with us because it was so hot (and he’s a longhaired dachshund!!!) so he slept in front of the air conditioner even tho I worried all night that This Was It! The night Little Mister died! He was fine, he just does his own thing. But as he gets older and older when he doesn’t come to bed I get nervous he fell asleep under the couch and died overnight. So every morning that he’s not in bed when I wake up, I worry and call his name and he comes running up wagging his little tail totally happy and ready to kiss me until I get out of bed and feed him. I wish I could guarantee that every morning he’s gonna be there for me.

I’ve been getting used to being back in Canada. It took almost a week to get back into working. I’ve made good progress on a grant, and I applied for another commission. I have to do a budget and I hate those and it’s a large budget and I feel really incompetent about the numbers I am using. I kind of know what I am doing, but also there are probably lots of people who could be doing this better than me. BUT I am good at all the other stuff in doing a production. Just writing budgets is like uhhhhhh! It’s right up there with my film dyslexia. Like which way do you wind it? Once I fucked up winding a super 8 and it was like, backwards AND upside down and I think weird in another way too and I was like “oh lord jesus how did that even happen and how do I fix it?” I did film school, I learned about actual Super 8 and 16mm film, like I am not an idiot, I know enough to load cameras in a black bag. BUT still video is my thing. I know my strengths and weaknesses!

I should bring that up if I ever have a job interview again. “What are your weaknesses?” “I cannot wind a reel of film to save my life!”

OH I KNOW I had my tattoo appointment last week! Tomorrow it will be a week exactly. It made me cry a bit when I finally saw it, I was really touched, and so were some people in my family. It was my memorial tattoo for my dead grandparents, and was an empty canoe with two paddles with a background of the boreal forest behind it. It really really really hurt getting done. It’s on my upper back, so I couldn’t watch it being created, I could only feel it. And it felt like everything sharp digging into me all over that section of my back, which basically it was. I’ve never made such terrible faces before, but they kind of helped. I normally chat with the artist when I’m getting done, but I was like, totally quiet, and she was chatting with another artist and client, so I just listened to them. But she was so fast! I was amazed. It was just over an hour and she was totally done. Like I told her I needed a break, and she literally only gave me two minutes then sprayed me with bactine and went right back in again and finished five minutes later. It was pretty amazing. And while it was getting done I had all those feelings I have sometimes gotten about tattoos, like can I handle this? Am I gonna wimp out? What have I gotten myself into? I can’t quit now or I’ll have a fucked up tattoo! How much longer omg? But I’m glad I got it done. It’s super itchy right now and scabs are peeling off, my least favourite phase of healing. And it’s a terrible location for applying lotion. I’m only supposed to put on lotion if it drives me crazy from itching, but it’s hard to reach and I don’t have a girlfriend to put it on for me!

What’s up? I got addicted to these Reese Big Cups, and then someone suggested I try the Reese Big Cups with Reeses Pieces and now I am going to the store everyday to get some until they run out.

I’m trying to be more direct, open, honest, and caring about my relationships, which are basically all friendships right now. I’ve worked things out with some friends I was worried would be gone for good. I’ve cleared things up. I’m still trying to be more honest about my feelings with people, and it’s starting to get better, but is also still scary for me. I’m seeing my therapist on Friday so I’m looking forward to that.

I’ve gotten a lot of work requests lately, along with this ongoing script writing. It’s pretty interesting. Like I am basically a full time artist now, I’m making some cash, I haven’t been on welfare for a while, and I think I’m busy enough that I legitimately cannot handle having a full time job in addition to being a practicing artist and stuff. There’s still a lot of voluntary work I do in the community, like sitting on the Charles Street Video board and my involvement with TQFF. But it’s been pretty decent, and I’m happy I got to make so much work this last year. I’m really happy that when people ask me my advice for different things related to the art world, I actually have a long list of good answers. It’s nice.

Anyway, that’s what’s up! I am seeing my psychic next week. I have a thing at Nuit Blanche in the Campbell House Museum which Cherish Blood is doing. I have some friends to hang out with and I am getting closer to people because I’m being more accountable and thoughtful (I hope!)! It’s been interesting.

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