Where is this coming from?

Ugh I feel sad all of a sudden and it’s not even tied to anything except I started thinking about how I need to go down to legal aid and talk to someone about my upcoming ODSP tribunal. What a pain in the ass. I don’t know why they keep disagreeing that I am disabled. Like I literally have a disability that is severe enough that other people with the same diagnosis are already accepted on ODSP.

I think it’s because I haven’t gone crazy in Ontario yet. WHICH SUCKS because I don’t want to have to get really sick again to prove I really have a disability. Like just trust me. JUST BELIEVE ME! When I went mad the first time, I came back down to earth and moved away back to Vancouver and some of my friends there kept saying things like “Oh you’re not crazy” blah blah blah. And it’s like, ok, I’m not ACTIVELY trying to drink the Nivea, BUT I have this happen in certain times of my life and it cycles. And it’s not even just the mania, like more often it’s depression I deal with and it’s not normal. Like very rarely is it situational depression. I could be having a perfectly nice life and suddenly my brain will be like “time to die!” and I’m like “wtf brain why are you doing this to me?”

I’m doing pretty good now. Which is probably what the ODSP people will point out. Like I am not institutionalized, I have a good grasp of reality, I’m able to currently feed myself and keep the house clean and look after my animals and wake up in the morning and be able to get out of bed. BUT that’s not a permanent state. I work really really hard to keep it as permanent as possible, but it would be nice to be on disability so I at least don’t have to panic that I could suddenly need to stop working for a while because my mood would get all weird, and not starve or get evicted. Sheesh.

It’s not even like it’s a lot of money. Like they are not saving the province so much money by keeping legitimately bipolar disordered people off of disability. And I have been reporting my income pretty truthfully to ontario works, so I’m not trying to scam anyone here.

ARGH and people are so judgey about social services. Like that people shouldn’t be on it, like I should go work at Popeye’s making biscuits or something even tho there’s a bunch of reasons I can’t do work like that.

Ahhhhhhhhhh I hate this.

BUT that’s really just this thing I’m thinking about. I am thinking about lots of other things. Like my work I have now writing. Like how I need to start feeding myself better. Like how I have to figure out what I am doing at Christmas because I don’t know if I want to be gone for a month but also the dogs and ahhh.

I really should stop writing today’s pity party blog and go write a grocery list while I have the cash for a big grocery shop. And feed the dogs. The dogs always need food.

Maybe if I get some fruit I will feel less randomly bummed out. Ha ha! So weird. Mood disorders! FUN! Ha ha

2 thoughts on “Where is this coming from?

  1. Hi Thirza! I just want you to know I’ve actually had these same thoughts! Not even kidding a little bit. I’ve never been diagnosed. I don’t plan on going to get things figured out in that way. I’m just going to keep going the best I can.
    I love your writing style and your way you embellish your life with loving! Do glad I found you!

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