This neighborhood would be perfect if there was a 24/7 Cinnabon within walking distance. Not all the way at fuckin’ Eglinton Station!
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I’m sleepy. Fuck why am I writing a blog post at 1am? It’s the worst idea.
Because I had a weird day with my gender today.
First of all, I hadn’t shaved my legs since 2007. Then this past spring for whatever reason I got into it again. I was shaving once a week and I only had one razor and I was poor so I hung onto it for a long time. Then finally I came into some money so I went to Shoppers today and got two super girly nailpolishes and some refillable razors and the refills. And it came up to A CRAZY AMOUNT OF MONEY! Like, way more than I had expected. I could have bought so much Indian food instead.
BUT at the same time I had wanted them for a long time, so I sucked it up and came home and was putting on this pale pink nail polish and I had to do about three or four coats to get it looking like anything.
And as I was doing this I was realizing my gender presentation is shifting from what I thought was a pretty solid butch to more futch. Like I really don’t want to go buy dresses or grow my hair or do dramatic femme stuff, but I’ve been teetering towards the middle of the spectrum for a while now and it’s been interesting. It actually pretty accurately represents my gender because I feel like I’ve been going back and forth between man and woman for a while now but I don’t think I’m ever gonna put real roots down in one or the other. But it’s just interesting to be adding more femmey aspects to myself over the last few years and seeing how that changes how I see myself. Like I still feel masculine a lot of the time, but now I have more pink in my wardrobe and do a couple of more femme-identified things like shave my legs and paint my nails.
I don’t have a good name for myself. I feel like whatever I am I want to actualize it, and I guess I am. I don’t know how far I want to go. Being between binaries is a funny way to live.
I have this butch dragon on my right arm, and these super femme flowers on my left, and I think it’s pretty much just me trying to find some kind of balance in my life. And also at the same time I have to accept that being more gender fluid means things will shift probably a few more times in my lifetime. Maybe when I am 50 I will go through a stone butch thing. Ha ha ha probably not I really like being penetrated.
BUT YOU NEVER KNOW!
OMG I can’t believe I am almost 40. I’m looking forward to it. It’s just longer than I expected to live, because you know, depression. But it’s awesome. I am looking forward to growing old.
Maybe my 40’s will be my personal Futch renaissance.
Or maybe that is my late 30’s. I mean, I am only 38.