I would get the hardest assignment, wouldn’t I?
Kate had already drafted a battle plan by outlining the forces at work keeping in a police state and the binaries. And I knew even though I was the most boy of boys, I was still trans, and that meant my natural enemy was the police state. And like anyone, I wanted to be free. But I knew if I transitioned soon, I could get co-opted into upholding the police state through my own arrogance and ignorance of the true meaning of women’s lives. And I watched trans guys get co-opted by that force, not all, but enough to decide to avoid it until I could work out the puzzle. But this was a tricky puzzle, because now to liberate my friends I had to take on fascism in any form. And that was fucking scary because I knew I would be alone for most of the time. And I had no idea what torture I was courting, although I knew I was courting it. I made the assumption that I would be tortured in psychiatric care, so I started asking people about that just so I would know what to expect. But the mundane details still don’t adequately convey the horror, ever, and the pills were something different all together. I had not thought of myself before as someone who had an advantage because both sides of my brain could work at once.
The psychiatric care I recieved WAS torture, because it imposed an identity that wasn’t mine and I knew wasn’t mine. But it was so vast, that branch of power, and then I had to find out where it came from and how it operated and how to trump the mental health act, which was enormous.
I think by the end of my struggle to get out of it, I had forgotten I was on my trans liberation mission. Because when I started switching back into guy I was still on anticonvulsants, which meant I went through Asshole territory, something I’d been hoping to avoid. And my natural 2 sided brain wasn’t able to give me my morals yet, because I didn’t have my own female empathy to keep it even keeled. It was horrible, and I was like, fuck, guys really are jerks.
A number of trans men are on anticonvulsants by the way.
Men aren’t jerks if they know how to use both sides of their brains at the same time, but so few do, because that one sided brain makes it seem like you actually have power, even when a bunch of women are talking about trying to take you down because you’re being a dickhead. And they will take you down. I mean, I grew up with women, I know how intensely fierce they are, especially the generation I grew up with, because I helped them take insane risks and land safely on the ground. And they taught me to look for hidden messages, because that’s how girls talk since they can’t talk openly about a lot of things.
And believe me, sometimes when I was studying shit I would be like “Fuck, I could just be having sex right now, I SHOULD just be having sex right now.” But then I would see all my friends being terrorized and it let me put my own needs aside for years and years. And I would go back to researching something I didn’t even know existed for sure, but I operated on the leap of faith that something that crazy WAS possible. Because if someone as wild as me could exist on the planet, then obviously this shit had to as well. And I knew it did because every time I tried to make friends they would all start saying “Triggers, triggers.” And I’d be like, what the hell? I was just being silly. Why do I keep hurting you? What the hell happened to you guys?
I mean, a global Stonewall is pretty intense. But I think we have help now because lots of people hate that system, not just the trans folks. I mean, EVERYONE knows it sucks, and most of them forgot what fun people do live on the planet all over the place.
Anyway, I am a guy. And I think now that we know what guys can do when not properly supervised, maybe we can go back to fighting for equality across the board instead of just drips and drabs. I mean, you DO know who the enemy is now don’t you? They’ve been so obvious.