You know, I always planned to switch this blog project from lowbrow to high brow, so if you can’t understand a word I’m saying, give up. It’s not going to happen. I’ve been saying the same thing in various ways, but at this point I don’t really care about talking to anyone except other profoundly gifted people. And they are a funny breed of people, so intense, I love them. I wish I could show you some of my older blog writings when I was more bitter, but I don’t know what disc they are on. All I can say is that I’m unable to talk about only trivial things anymore. If you want to have a conversation with me you need to be able to talk about at least one deep thought. I don’t care what it is about, I just need that one deep thought so I can actually carry on a decent conversation. Otherwise I feel drained, it’s taking from me and not giving back, and I’m tired of always giving. So if I’m being bitchy it’s because certain people have become dreadfully boring these days.
I don’t know why people are willing to throw in the towel on the world itself, I can understand throwing in the towel on certain people with no emotions, but the world? Come on! There are some gorgeous things in the world. Like sun rises, and the sound of the ocean, and being kissed by someone you’re truly in love with, and music and dancing and passion and art and those intense people who can’t abide less than genius. The only thing I dislike about the world is being judged by people who don’t understand. I can’t help that I naturally need to spend huge amounts of time alone, I quite like being alone actually. That’s the only time that I get to play with all my deep thoughts, because otherwise I end up trying to make dumb chit chat. Honestly, sometimes I have considered making cue cards to talk with “normals.” It would go something like:
1. That is a nice sweater.
2. It is very chilly today.
3. Don’t you love olives?
4. I think Britney still likes K Fed.
5. Did you see this cup?
Oh man, that is so freakin’ boring!!!! No wonder people are going on a rampage, this is a world of boring nothingness now. Who can handle that? Honestly, who can ever be content with the world of the mundane? Obviously a lot of people. Being boring drives me to insanity, I cannot abide it in any form! I think one of the reasons I liked Vancouver so much is because for quite a while the video art there was intensely personal and political, and that kind of artistic drive and passion was damned addictive. And some really amazing art has come out of that part of the world, it’s phenomenal really. Plus Emily Carr is there, and I always wanted to go there. I miss that, it’s one of the few places I felt normal, in a weird way. There was nothing wrong about being an intensely creative person.
I’m starting to realize that to do the intensely brilliant work I intend in my life, I might have to let a lot of people go. I don’t know, that’s sad. But I am pretty much at secondary integration in my positive disintegration process, and that means I can’t be the little fuck up they got used to having around. I don’t think they can let go of that for some reason. I wish they could. Everyone changes. Change is a good thing. I was more understandable when I was drugged for four years, because finally I was at an IQ more common to people. But god that was awful!! Oh man, I can’t ever not be profoundly gifted again for anyone. It’s worth way too much to me. And I refuse to be a sacrifice for anybody. Go find some other sacrificial lamb.