I was asked by a friend to send a recent pic of myself, so I fiddled around with the self timer on my new camera and came up with this beefy cheesecake photo. Forgive the white balance problems, I’m still learning my new camera. I also made my first packer last night, because usually I use bananas or socks, and I wanted to try something different, so I did the hair gel – condom – sock thing, but after being in my pants for a while it sprung a leak. I’m still woefully unable to do packing with dildos, because I have no idea how an erection fits into pants, and besides that it’s awkward and obvious. There really should be an FTM group in this town, but I haven’t heard of one yet.
This picture might get me into trouble, for really dumb reasons. I’ve always been a rather sexual person, even when I’ve been celibate, but Post-Diagnosis suddenly ALL sexuality that I have gets attributed to mania. Bipolar individuals sometimes go through periods of extreme concupicense (that’s a medical term for horniness) and so of course, like most other “behaviour” we engage in, it’s been pathologized. So I tried to be a “good” girl, ie, sexless and everything that psychiatrists and “caregivers” want the mentally ill to be, but dammit, I like fucking, like most people, and I don’t see why I should have to turn into a school marm just so people don’t start commenting on the possibility that I am entering a hypomanic phase.
Really, having periods of intense sexual desire is probably one of the more fun aspects of what has been called bipolar disorder. But beyond that, it’s just who I am, even before bipolar reared it’s ugly head. Some people have tried to say because I’m queer I think about sex so much, while others have tried to say it’s because I’m a sex addict (which is really silly because I haven’t had nearly as much sex as even the average person). The truth is, I think I’m so sexual because I’m Cree.
It’s true. Cree women are the only people who have consistently scandalized me and made me blush. If you want to hang around sex radicals, go make friends with Cree women. I’m not saying brown women are all trampy, at all, because that’s just creepy. And there are a number of Cree women who are school marm types. But still, raunch-o-rama! I won’t even get into the Rolling Head stories, but suffice it to say Cree culture has some very heavily sexual stuff going on in it. I like that. The sad part is that some goddamn colonialists came and raped most of our children, so the sort of outre sexual culture of Cree life has been demolished.
I am trying to reclaim it. I don’t particularly give a fuck if you want to fuck me or not when you look at this picture. Most people won’t, because most people have their own particular “types” or things they are looking for in sex icons and partners, and I don’t care if a 220lb butch dyke/transfag isn’t in their personal sexual iconography. But I’m in someone’s personal sexual iconography, so I made this image just to see if I could lure that person into my life, whoever they are. It’s for that one person, or a few persons, that I’m standing in my bathroom in a bra on a blog.
Mostly I made this for Valentines Day though. And mostly, since I am single, I just made this for me. So many people are getting upset over the sexuality of young females right now, including other women who identify as feminists. I don’t think anyone has any right to critique someone’s elses sexual self-expression. So girls are dirty dancing and taking the romance out of oral sex, whatever! Maybe that is an important evolutionary step in young female sexuality. My only concern would be that heterosexuals are emerging as the #1 HIV risk group and are still being tragically unaware of this fact. Globally 70% of HIV transmission is through heterosexual sex, and living in a developed nation isn’t a barrier to the virus.
But you can have healthy, safe, sexuality, and that doesn’t mean you have to be a schoolmarm or wait until you get married or anything like that. I think people should embrace whatever level of sexual activity they want to engage in. Just learn how to protect yourself.
And now I have to apologize to all the “schoolmarms” out there. As a matter of fact, the friend who brought me into the BDSM community when I was a baby perv was a schoolmarm.
It’s funny, I actually was just going to say Happy Valentines Day in the text of this blog, and instead I went on a defensive tangent around the viability of female sexuality. Happy Motherfuckin’ Valentines Day.