I’m in the unusual position of having some very smoking hot fantasies about . . . boys. But not straight boys, repeat, NOT straight boys. Only gay boys. And not as a girl doing straight girl things with them, but more as a transfag doing man on man smoking hot sex. And not romantic sex either, hot raunchy dirty anonymous bruising each other up sex.
Okay, maybe anonymous is going too far, because there are at least four gay men in my life currently who, if I get the chance, I would totally pounce on, even though I know their names. I’m not sure what to do about it. I probably WILL do something about it in the future, but I don’t know what. And I want to make sure it’s with a guy that’s going to have sex with me the way I want to, as a boy. I haven’t thought too much about what that will look like. Well, that’s not true, I’ve thought about it a lot. I have the diagrams, the plans, the whole thing is mapped out in terms of specific things I want to do, with variances based on the possibility that the dude won’t be biologically male.
Which brings me to this word that I’m really weird about applying to myself and I don’t know why. Bisexual. I don’t know if that’s me. I guess in technical terms it is, but I still feel REALLY lesbian identified. The thing is, I don’t feel like a girl when I scope out boys, I feel like a guy. I feel like a lesbian and a gay man in the same body. And I feel trans. I guess I’m defaulting to the grand umbrella of Queer, which makes the most sense. But besides negotiating labels, I just want to sometimes be a gay man and sometimes be a butch dyke, and mostly just be me having hot sex with people I think are hot, who tend to be femme and butch gay men, and femme bisexual women, and butch lesbians. Usually femme bisexuals. My favorite top when I was coming out as a pervert was a gay man, who was usually a bottom incidentally. I think the BDSM community gives more space for gender and sexuality variance than the vanilla queer and straight communities, at least the BDSM community I came out in, which was pansexual.
Lucky for me there are gay men who appreciate other gay boys in biologically female bodies. I remember when a trans friend of mine offered to hook me up with black market testosterone I was kind of tempted, but at the same time, I dunno. In some ways I feel like I can negotiate my masculinity better in the body I currently have. Of course there are still going to be gay men who go all squeamy about pussy, just like there are still lesbians who shudder when they accidentally see penises. But I don’t particularly want to play with them anyway.
So what the hell am I? I dunno. I don’t want to limit myself to one gender or orientation particularly. It’s kind of funny though, because the girl I currently like told me gay men keep chasing her, and now I’m wondering if part of my attraction has to do with my gay male sensibility towards over the top femmes in some kind of a camp way. Who knows!!!
Maybe really I just like fucking queers, irregardless of gender or sexual orientation. There really isn’t any type of queer person I haven’t had a crush on at one point or another. I’m sort of an equal opportunist. The only people who don’t interest me are straight men and women, which is good because I don’t think they want me either.
All I know is I’m thinking of taking the word “lesbian” out of my professional bios and replacing it with queer, or boi, or something. Except now straight people are poaching the word boi.
Do we have a corner on the boi word anyone? Like is that a queer trademark? I seem to see straight men using it without being aware of the queerness attached to it.
Am I just biphobic? That’s terrible. I guess I don’t want to call myself a bisexual woman because it implies I would actually consider dating a straight man.
I remember when I was a teenager David Harrison came to Saskatoon with the Fringe to do his one man play and he spotted me in a crowd and came up specifically to give me a flyer for it. God, was I that obviously trans? Sometimes I feel so wigged out when I realize how easily other queers can pick me out. I guess I’m obviously a whatever I am.
I don’t like this idea of having to leave girl on girl sex behind though to have hot boy on boy sex. I want it all dammit!
Okay, and now I really have interrogated my own gender/sexuality far too much for one day, with no answers. Although if there are any cute gay men reading this who want to take me on a date, leave a comment! I like twinks and bikers.