Oh what the hell. I think, actually I know, I am going through some kind of massive spiritual transformation. I don’t know when it started, but I know it kicked off the Psychosis. I think there were things that could have been done for me around that time specifically which would have made it an easier transition, but obviously that didn’t happen.
I never really paid much attention to stuff about kundalini or chakras, but I didn’t pay much attention to Bipolar Disorder or Temporal Lobe Epilepsy either. Still, I’ve been reading about kundalini rising because a lot of the symptoms are corresponding to what I’ve been going through, particularly some of the things which people maybe haven’t heard me talk about. In the past year my capacity to see spirits has grown exponentially, to the point where seeing something out of the ordinary is, well, ordinary. I know during my hospitalization I had some INTENSE heat coming out of the top of my head, and I was practically shaking and trembling the entire time I was there, not to mention feeling electrical energy roar through my body. Not only that, but I had God realization, which if you’re not ready for does flip one out. I think it’s tempered a lot, I have some more humility around it so I can deal with it. But having a bunch of doctors follow me around pathologizing everything I did did not help me figure this out at all.
In fact, a lot of people warn folks away from kundalini awakenings because there’s a high chance of ending up in psychosis or psychiatric wards, etc. Oops.
I am thinking of all the people I know personally who have gone to the bin in manic states, and how they can all tell you some really advanced theological ideas that they’ve learned solely from going nuts. Something is there.
There are other physical symptoms which have been coming up. There was a week where I kept vomiting up phlegm, I mean HUGE amounts of phlegm, which would then mostly vanish except for small blobs. It was really weird. Then I heard sometimes that happens when a blockage in the solar plexus is being cleared. And then in the last couple of days I got this knot in my throat, which corresponds to vishnu granthi talked about with kundalini rising, it’s kind of a block that keeps energy from going up.
I don’t know what I think of all this. But a lot of people out there are noticing people having spontaneous kundalini awakenings these days, even people who aren’t spiritual at all. I can’t even eat some of the things I used to really like. My body is totally changing on me, and so are my thoughts. In a lot of ways it’s good, because I know I have a lot of healing to do and it can help with that. In other ways it’s not so good, people already think I’m a freak and if I also say I’m having a spiritual emergence then they’ll get even more strange. My mom herself is a die hard born again atheist, so I feel particularly vulnerable around her just because I don’t think she’s safe.
It’s still a health issue essentially, except that it involves spiritual, mental, and physical health all together. And essentially, while it’s a different name with different theories behind it, I’ve already started to discover what works for me. I guess the only big thing is that over the past year it’s really affected my physical health, and that’s been really hard. I could deal with the funny brain stuff, that’s been around for ages, but these die offs keep pissing me off. It feels really crappy.
I’m not interested in becoming only a spiritual person though, like, hmm, maybe you know what I mean. I don’t want to lose sight of the real world and actual human suffering. And I think in that regard it’s actually been a very different kind of spiritual growth than one would think. I think it’s been more about grappling with the fact that I need to learn to take care of or help other people to the best of my capacity. I know I need to spend a lot of time taking care of myself, maybe not so much in the future but right now, but I still want to create work that will improve the lives of millions more people than just myself.
I’ve also realized that I have to put aside thoughts of fame in regard to my film practice. I know it will happen anyway, but I think it’s an illusion that can trap people in their artistic growth. It can be a pitfall, where the desire to be loved overwhelms the desire to tell the truth. I guess I want to focus more on the work itself and spend little time indulging the Persona.
So there are a lot of things I am coming to understand, along with my body evolving, and I think ultimately it’s a good thing. HOWEVER, I would also give a warning to people trying to jump start a spiritual evolution without doing the ground work that it can put you through YEARS of hell and has the potential of destroying everything you ever knew, particularly for those of us living in the colonized West.
I also don’t think it would necessarily have taken this long if I hadn’t been on heavy duty psych drugs for eight years. Detoxing from the meds is what is scaring me right now, but it seems the only other option from withdrawal is death, and I’m not ready for that either.