Yesterday was a weird day. I found out I had gotten my money from my reserve for graduating, so I did a happy dance and smoked a joint. Then this morning I checked my mailbox and ta da! A nice little artist fee. It’s like getting paid to be me.
But last night the weirdest thing happened, a friend told me she thought I sounded manic, and for some reason it made me really angry. I think because the last time she said that, next thing I knew cops were at the door. But I was manic then. And then I got really confused, and had to run over a checklist in my head of manic symptoms. Not talking too fast, not getting involved in big plans, I did feel happy, but that was probably mostly due to having some cash in my pocket. Either way, I did not feel like I was manic at all, actually yesterday I felt pretty sluggish and tired. And depressed. Until I got money.
Because in a capitalist society money = survival.
Another online friend said she gets pissed when her bf or mum tell her she seems manic because it feels like a form of control. I think that’s what made me mad, just that pointing out someone is manic is a lot like saying “Go to the Hospital you Subhuman fuckup!” I don’t know, no one ever tells you you seem crazy in a calm way. It’s never a normal event.
Man, I don’t even know what I am trying to say.
So I did do a thorough check in of me, and I can pretty much confirm that I’m not crazy. In fact, I feel pretty even, and I’m still faithfully taking all my medications, including a pretty heavy duty anti-psychotic that can knock a manic episode on it’s ass. I know there’s always the possibility of breakthrough episodes, but I just don’t think I’m having one of those. I think I’m pretty stable. Hmm . . .
Of course now that someone outside of me has mentioned it, now I have to do check ins on myself for the next week, which is a pain because people hate when you seem self absorbed and pre-occupied. At the same time, I probably was going to check in on myself just because of the T anyway, so it’s no big deal.