Working Out Aggression

I got one of those Quiet Play punching bags that you fit in a doorway and go to town on, and did three rounds! It felt pretty amazing except I think I need better cushioned gloves, my old ones were not so great at keeping my fist from feeling like mush at the end. BUT I did it! I’m gonna try and incorporate more boxing workouts in my life again. I feel like I did so much work before the pandemic in boxing class and then the pandemic came and my gym closed and I hadn’t boxed since 2019. I realized I really miss it. It was one of the few exercises I did that I really enjoyed. And like, punching something repeatedly is such a stress reliever. It takes all that pent up aggression and gives it a healthy outlet. I should really box more instead of writing passive aggressive tweets.

But while I was thinking about bringing this exercise back into my life, I was also thinking about the pandemic in general, and the things about myself I have lost that I really miss. I have lost some friends. I have lost someone I was dating and then lost their friendship. I have lost the ability to walk a lot, and gained weight, and I think my confidence is a bit battered too. I’m finally getting back to my prepandemic weight which like, literally no matter how much or how little I exercised before the pandemic I always stuck to. But the pandemic made me rounder and I really wanted to be okay with it but I was so happy with the type of roundness I had before and any time my weight has changed I’ve felt unsettled. Anyway that sounds so fatphobic and is really not something I think a lot about. I’ve injured myself a few times too which made exercising difficult. There’s other things that have changed. I think I’m extremely conscious of other people’s opinion of me, and it comes from being on social media even more than before. I just see people shaming others for decisions they’ve made during the pandemic and that gives me anxiety. But like, I can’t be a perfect person for everyone, that’s just impossible.

There are things I’ve gained too tho, it’s not all bad. Like, I am a bit more confident about making plans with friends, and organizing hang outs. Not giant rocking parties but like my friends and I went to a swimming pool we rented and it was so much fun. Things like that. I am slowly beginning to do more things that I was avoiding before, like eating on patios more often. And being indoors with people. I went to see Zola at the Cineplex recently, alone, and had a good time. And I’m seeing a therapist who has really helped me out a lot and helped me see things about my life differently. And I have managed to NOT have a crush for like, a few months, which is a record for me. I’ve been one of those people who jumped from crush to crush but right now, nothing. That kinda makes me sad now tho cause I’m like omg am I just never going to fall in love again?

I also made a lot of films/videos. Like even just in the last couple of weeks I completed an experimental short, a five channel video installation, the background video for a performance AND THEN did the performance. And gave several notes on cuts of a film I am co-directing that should be done in two weeks. And in January we finished kwêskosîw (She Whistles) which was a HUGE DEAL and is now doing the festival circuit. So I’ve been super busy.

And sometimes I get irritated by having to work all the time. But there honestly are times when I have NO work to do and am fine. And it’s meant I haven’t had to have a day job in a few years, I’m totally a full time artist. I even make so much that I’m no longer on rental subsidy at my co-op. I feel really fortunate that I’ve been able to get to this point in my life.

And then I think too I also feel awkward when people make assumptions about me and my financial situation. Like, a lot of people still treat me like I’m poor, but I make way above the poverty line. And it makes me wonder like is this having an impact on my dating life? Do people think I’m not able to support a family or something? I’ve been super conscious of class issues ever since my income increased and it makes me feel weird, especially since I went through so many years being extremely poor.

When I look back at where I was in my early 30’s, living on welly, drinking and doing drugs, not really going anywhere in my life, I can see why it would have been hard for people to date me. But then I look at where I am now and it still feels hard dating.

I think maybe that’s what bothers me about the pandemic so much. People are so afraid. And I’m not gonna say they shouldn’t be afraid. I am gonna say that I haven’t been kissed since February 2020 and I’m really missing it and I just want to swap spit with someone else who is double vaccinated. I mean I want a relationship too tho. But it just seems like fuck how am I even gonna date when people don’t want to be “risky”? This fucking virus.

And I get it it’s a legit concern. My massage therapist was telling me someone from a hospital she went to said there were 11 people recovering from COVID there who were going to need double lung transplants because their lungs are absolutely massacred from COVID.

But then there’s these fucking dingdongs who refuse to get a vaccine and are stretching out this pandemic and it’s like FUCK YOU get your fucking shots you assholes! I want to get laid!

Anyway obviously I’ve been feeling a lot of feelings about this all. At least now I have a punching bag so I can work them out instead of writing shit.

Intergenerational Trauma

Well, I had therapy today and it kind of kicked off these thoughts around Intergenerational Trauma and Residential School and myself. My paternal Grandma was in Residential school and I never really heard her stories before and I’d not spent a lot of time around her growing up. Like yah I would see her but I guess I didn’t really expect her experience would have anything to do with me.

But then I’ve been seeing all these posts about Residential Schools since that mass grave was “discovered” (although most of us who know about residential schools knew about the graves and it was in the TRC report). And just, oh man. So many stories were being circulated, and some performative guilt and grief from settlers that really bothered me. I think I was just so angry because it’s like WE KNEW THIS why didn’t you believe us about how bad it was?

Anyway we talked about it in therapy today. And I think the main reason I didn’t want to see so much about the residential schools is because it hit too close to home in a way I’m still struggling to accept. I was like, going on Reddit instead and reading about people’s relationship problems because the residential schools stuff was so overwhelming.

And my therapist brought up intergenerational trauma. And like yeah I guess theoretically I know I probably have it but I didn’t sit down and start putting pieces together until after my therapy appointment.

But I was reading about it and they said descendants of people who had been in residential school had higher rates of psychological distress and suicide. And I started thinking about when I was a kid and the suicide thoughts started showing up. And they were SO STRONG. And like, so automatic. Like I didn’t feel I had much control over them. And I came so close to trying so many times. And my family had to have me doctored and then of course as an adult I got on psych meds to deal with it. But my therapist said something about how sometimes we are carrying things that don’t belong to us, they belong to our ancestors.

And I think if I was in a residential school yeah suicide would seem like one of the only ways to escape. My Grandma didn’t do that, she’s still alive today. But like, I can see that kind of distress and hopelessness feeling like a legit way to feel in that situation.

And the way I dealt with my suicidal feelings was to learn how to problemsolve, because usually that’s what they were in reaction to, all kinds of problems, like work or career or love or whatever. And it really did help (my meds help too) and I haven’t been suicidal in years. But like, you can’t problemsolve your way out of residential school. My Grandma and her sister ran away when they were 10 and some men on horses just brought them back. And I think that also relates to my feelings of hopelessness at times when facing oppression or even interpersonal conflict, like I just kind of accept shit because fighting only means you’ll be punished even worse.

But it also makes me wonder about all those Indigenous youth who have been dying by suicide, if it’s ALSO an automatic thought that is just living in their bodies because their mom or dad or grandparents were in residential schools.

It really makes me rethink my history and my feelings and my mood disorder. Cause I think I felt like if I had those feelings I must be so broken. Who would feel like they needed to kill themselves because things got hard? And then I also wonder about my drug and alcohol abuse and if that ties in somehow as well. I mean probably.

So there’s lots going on in my head and I’m trying to pull out the pieces and find out what is me and what is inherited trauma. Cause I feel like I would be such a different kind of person if I didn’t have this in my body. And like, would I have been able to form more solid relationships and deal with conflict better? Would I be able to stand up for myself more? Would I have been a happier person and not needed to waste so many years doing drugs and shit?

And it’s not even just the schools but also all kinds of trauma that my Mom’s family went through way back when the bison all got killed and they were being starved and fighting the government and being trapped on reserves and the smallpox and all of that shit. Like what did that do to our family? Is that why we have so much bipolar disorder and ADHD?

But also I was thinking about what it would feel like to be trapped in a residential school and not be allowed to leave. And like, I’ve spent 12 weeks altogether in my life involuntarily committed to psych wards. So I know what it’s like to not be allowed to leave an institution and to have rules put on you and to be traumatized in those spaces by the workers and the patients. And I was thinking about how that was like a recreation of the kind of trauma being stuck in a residential school would feel like. One hospital I was in was fine, but the first one in Montreal was so awful that I had intense PTSD for four years afterwards. And I think it’s so interesting that I would have that experience and it would be similar to what my Grandma had (although yeah way shorter and I got to leave and not come back). Having your freedom taken away is a horror that I think is very difficult to describe. It’s traumatizing really. And then to have to go through that for years as a child? Ugh!

There are graves at the school my Grandma was at, she remembers them digging them up to move them because they were too close to the playground. So awful.

I don’t know. My therapist is Jewish tho which I just found out today and which makes me feel better because she knows intergenerational trauma. It’s such a weird particular thing. And like how do you heal from that?

Anyway, she says we can talk about it more as we go along which is great for me because I want to figure this shit out and not have it negatively impacting my life in the same ways it has been. I also got to cry a lot in therapy which was good for me because I hadn’t cried about this stuff until today.

Free Elf!

I got my second shot yesterday! I’m a free elf! Ha ha not really I need to wait 13 more days before I can be safe. But, that’s pretty good. I’ve been trying to get outside more this last month, mostly just walking the dog but also I went to a couple places outside my neighbourhood to visit friends who had both also been vaccinated. Like, on transit. I’m not as scared on transit, I still wear my mask tho.

But right now we are on a Stay At Home Order, so I guess I have to stay at home, though I think we’re allowed to go out for exercise, and I still walk my dog.

I had my house cleaner come two times since the last time I wrote here. It’s really amazing he does a really good job. He whipped my kitchen and bathroom into shape, and the second time he got rid of cardboard for me and cleaned up two bookshelves and half the living room, along with going over the bathroom again and some of my bedroom. I have one really really bad area that needs work next time so I’m looking forward to that.

It was just really overwhelming me, the cleaning. I’m a single person and there’s no one around to help me with the house, so having the money to pay for someone to come over is just really nice.

I am dipping my toe into the stock market and crypto and I was kinda looking at the subreddits for that but it’s so bro-ey, can’t handle it. I don’t know what I’m doing tho and most of this just has to sit around and be longterm investments. I did actually go to the bank and get a legit RSP tho. It was a very mature conversation with my financial advisor and we talked about what risk level I was comfortable with, and already it’s made 26 dollars which is kinda cool. I’m invested in three cryptocurrencies also which is like, toxic money. But I admit I was curious so there it is. One is a joke currency but also might end up giving me a few hundred dollars who knows.

I got a COVID 19 cheque from my reserve so I bought some clothes, a new button up and a few plain tshirts and a few masks. Ha ha so boring.

I also bought new shoes from overseas so I hope they fit, they might be really sexy I’m excited, they are black brogues. I was going to buy the same style from a queer shoe place but they had VEGAN leather which is just plastic and more environmentally toxic than real leather since they’ll be around forever. No one needs my old shoes in a hundred years.

I had deleted my dating apps and profiles a while back because I just didn’t want to go there again trying to find someone to date, and thought it would be better to meet someone in real life. Then after I got my last shot I was suddenly like “OMG I SHOULD GO BACK ONLINE!” No. No one cares. I do not have great luck on dating apps, or if I do get lucky then it turns out that person just wanted a hookup and isn’t serious. Bad places to look for love. When I think about it, the last lover I had that I was saying I love you to and hearing it back was someone who had been a friend for a long time (and a date a couple decades before that) so honestly real life is more emotionally resonant for my relationships. Plus I’m an Indigenous person with a tattooed face and people don’t check their racism before swiping left on me. But do I want to date a racist anyway? No not really.

ANYWAY blah blah whine whine. I am doing good with my work stuff, have a few projects going on. This vaccine is gonna allow me to go back to Saskatchewan and finish filming a video that will be a multichannel immersive installation. It’s tackling the racism that’s in Saskatchewan by using the stories told by five (or six?) Indigenous women and people who lived there and dealt with shit. Anyway I am going to go around to some of the places and film video that will be used to illustrate it, not so much like, actual actors or anything, just scenes from Saskatchewan. I guess it’s a documentary. It’s long overdue to be finished and I need to finish it so that I can get my next grant in August to make a video game about a lesbian vampire.

Sometimes I talk about my work to people and I forget that it’s interesting because so often it just becomes WORK and things I need to complete. But it is really nice to work on this stuff. I think I faltered on the immersive installation not only because of COVID but also because I was like “Is there anything radical about talking about racist trauma?” But fuck life is not all triumphant. Shit happens, this is the life we are living. Even my short that we are trying to get out there is about racist trauma and I’m like “Do I have any right to talk about trauma?” but things are hard and these are real stories that happen in Saskatchewan.

Anyway. I have a steak I need to cook, I thawed it a couple days ago and I don’t want to chuck it even tho I’m fairly full from an early supper of leftover noodles.

I’m also close to being done my feature script and then I can start work on another!!! For a while. Until we get some more help finishing or something I’m not entirely sure!

Not another COVID 19 Birthday Coming

So I got my Pfizer-BioNtech covid shot on Thursday! It’s been interesting seeing my immune system react to it. Nothing super alarming, I was super sleepy for a couple of days though. My arm was also sore, not like a muscle soreness tho, more like a soreness at the injection site. I’ve been feeling pretty good otherwise. This morning for an hour my nose was constantly running, and then it stopped. I don’t know if that’s the vaccine though or my allergies I have been struggling with for weeks. It did seem weird that it only happened for an hour tho.

I was reading something promising that although they call it a 95% efficacy rate, actually only 0.04% of vaccinated people got coronavirus. So it works really well. I’m feeling more confident.

This seemed like it was gonna last forever. And I know to some degree it will, because it will kind of float around for a while until we have herd immunity. But I guess I can finally see the other side of this and it’s a relief.

I have had amazing sleep since I got it. I think part of that is just for the last year during this pandemic, I’ve been super stressed out and maybe in denial of it. But I slept like a baby the last few nights. Just a really deep restful sleep. It’s kind of amazing. I haven’t slept that well in months. I would love to be able to sleep this unbothered forever.

Today I finally had enough energy to do a bit of a tidy. Nothing super amazing, but my house cleaner is coming tomorrow, so I wanted him to at least have a basic jumping off point that doesn’t involve needing to ask me where a bunch of junk goes. I think I need to buy more garbage bags tho. I’m really excited to see what having a house cleaner does for my life. I’d love to feel unashamed of my house again ha ha. Especially if I start being able to date again after I am vaccinated.

I am thinking more about dating. I think I might be ready. I wrote something kinda bitter on facebook this week tho, so hopefully no one I like is reading that and going “Yikes! Not ready yet!”

More of my friends are getting vaccinated too since all Indigenous Adults in Ontario are up for our vaccines right now. So I’m hoping I can at least have a couple buddies to hang out with, especially for my birthday.

The vaccine clinics for Indigenous people seem to be word of mouth right now. I think it’s to keep fakers from getting in line. Ha ha Joseph Boyden getting a vaccine. OMG. But I do feel bad for people who don’t have the insider scoop for where to go. I only knew where to go because someone said he would message me when he heard about the next clinic happening. So that’s what happened. And I stood in the cold for two hours, it was miserable but no way was I gonna leave my spot in line. I didn’t go to the bathroom or anything. I just waited and waited and waited. And it worked.

Anyway that’s about it. I’m excited for when I get my next shot and my immunity goes up to nearly fully protected. I think it’s going to change my life. I’ve been living a very small quiet life for a year. Being as careful as I can. I’m not gonna run around with a bare face or anything, but I’ll probably take transit again. And go to the grocery store by myself. And probably go to other stores too. It would be nice to get out of the neighbourhood.

My next shot is near the beginning of April, so I should be more immune by my birthday. MY BIRTHDAY! It won’t be another COVID 19 Birthday! It will be a Vaccine Birthday ha ha. I will probably just hang out with a couple people I will know have had their shots by then too.

Optimistic

It’s not very long since my last post, not as long a time as some of these posts anyway. I’m such an irregular blogger. I can’t promise a new one every Sunday, or that it will have even a coherent point to it. Mostly I just hop on here to ramble.

Recently I got smart bulbs, so that has been fun. I didn’t realize I would like them so much, but they have much improved things in here. And they have a “party” setting that is pretty cute for zoom parties.

I’m trying to improve myself. I don’t know, maybe that’s a value judgement. I just know I gained some weight with quarantine and lost some of my ability to walk a lot, I don’t mean I can’t walk, I just mean I get overwhelmed when friends take me on hikes. I used to walk a lot more before this last year, I think even just walking to transit and back helped a lot and I don’t do that now. Anyway I am starting with more regular dog walks. Posey loves it. I am trying to get a better harness for her tho so she doesn’t pull so much. Today I also started adding going down and up a set of stairs by the dog park. it’s A LOT of stairs. Like, to explain, my average for going up and down the stairs was 2 flights a day. Today just adding going down and back up these stairs once bumped it up to ten flights a day. It’s like, the Exorcist level stairs ha ha, except more windy. Anyway I was sure I’d be like, coughing up blood or something from going down and up these stairs, but it wasn’t bad. I’m gonna keep doing it once a day until next Monday when I might increase it by doing it twice.

My heart felt a lot better after I did it today, which was interesting. It felt like, clear or something, like it had been dusty before and now that it was getting used it was happier. I hadn’t really solved my cardio problem because I live on the second floor and most cardio exercises for apartments seem to involve jumping up and down or otherwise banging the floor repeatedly. And I am not wanting to bother my downstairs neighbour like that. So maybe doing stairs in the park is gonna help improve my cardio levels. I think even walking with Posey more often is helping. I already lost a couple pounds so that makes me feel better. Literally all I wanted was to lose seven pounds so I can go back to my usual average weight. There’s one weight that I just hover at, even when I was doing a lot of exercise back when the boxing gym was open I hovered at that weight. So that’s all I want.

OH YES also I want to be able to fuck more, I just mean, not get winded before I can fuck someone long enough that she can cum. I guess I could word that more delicately ha ha but that’s not me. Anyway, yeah, being able to have sex for longer without being wiped would be great for me.

Not that I am having sex with others right now.

I’m trying to get a vaccine soon. Indigenous people are up for them here, but it’s not completely available yet, so I’ve been sniffing around trying to find the next Indigenous vaccine clinic. I just keep checking. I hope it happens soon, a friend of mine got hers on Friday so I hope that org does it again.

I’m also reading a lot more. I’ve read three novels this year already, which probably doesn’t sound like much but is a lot better than last year. I’m not gonna win the Good Reader club or anything. But it’s nice that I can focus that much that I can read a book. Having ADHD used to mean reading things online was more doable for me. Shorter pieces. That sort of thing. But now I can read a novel and remember what I am reading. I’m trying to stick to novels because stories are more interesting than non-fiction I guess, although I did read a creative non-fiction novel this year.

I’m also trying to get rid of some books. Last night I finally selected seven books I knew I would never read again, and walked them over to a nearby Little Free Library. It felt good! I’ve been a notorious book and paper hoarder, and reducing it is really nice. I don’t want to hoard everything anymore. OK not everything, but I think the fact I’ve held onto nearly every book I’ve ever bought this long is an echo of my tendency to hang onto lovers much longer than they should be in my life. I mean its great to have ex lovers in my life, it sucks when I am hanging onto the hope of rekindling something. So maybe this process of letting go of some of my books will encourage me to let people go when it’s their time. I’m having a really hard time letting go of the last two lovers I was with, and it’s just…ugh. Sucky. I know neither of them want to be with me again and in fact neither of them talk to me either. But it still lingers and it’s just not healthy for me and it’s not fair to anyone in my life right now who might be wanting to date me but feels they have to wait until I’m more obviously healed from this stuff.

I feel kinda bad about all the times this year already that I have talked about my broken heart. Like yeah, I did have a broken heart. But I feel like that’s keeping people out. New people. People who could give me something better. I don’t want to be chasing people away like that anymore.

I had a dream last night that I went to a country which was like Australia but not quite Australia. And there was a huge chunk of the middle of the continent that was labeled on the map as Indigenous land (and yes all land in Australia is Indigenous land, I know!). And I was taken to this land and the sky was orange and there were tall tall trees and it was dry and brittle. And I don’t know what it means or why I remember that part so vividly.

I’m trying to build up muscle again now that my radial nerve is pretty much healed. I’m doing free weights twice a week now. Well, I mean this will only be the second week doing it twice a week. But I feel pretty good about it. I’ve finally memorized which dumbbell exercises to do. I was told by my physiotherapist that I was really strong and she could feel the muscles in my back and I guess it came across like a compliment to me so I’m trying to keep it up. I think I built up good back muscles when I was doing boxing. So I am glad they are still there. Not all withered. But yeah, I just want to keep my strength up. I also got a proper back cushion to support my posture when I work on the couch.

Ha ha I sound like a wannabe jock in this post. Oh well. I’ve also been watching tv shows and movies this whole last year, like, way more than before. I used to feel so guilty by my lack of watching things, I mean considering I am a filmmaker. But it’s getting better!!! I still watch something or another every day besides the news, maybe not always a whole movie, but usually something.

I don’t know how to end this post. Lol anyway I AM doing good and feel optimistic. I’ll feel even more optimistic when I get my first shot.

She lived her life like a candle in the wind

Well, what is new? Ahhh, not a lot. I have been growing amaryllises this winter, one fell over and died which was sad cause it was so gorgeous. It lived it’s life like a candle in the wind! Ha ha aww remember when Elton John kept dedicating that song to various people who died young? It was getting to be a bit much. Like first it was Ryan White, which was really sweet, then suddenly Princess Di died and it was HER song. And then I think he dedicated it to someone else after that. Just slutty with the song dedications.To be fair it’s not like there’s a rule only one person can have that song.

I watched It’s A Sin last night and today and cried like a baby. I’ve been crying a lot anyway these days because I’m finally working through some emotions I was putting off because I was busy Surviving A Pandemic. And anyway, it was kind of nice to cry about something that WASN’T about me or some lady I missed. I think too it really struck me, now as a nearly 43 year old, that these people were youth. Like, so young. I guess something about being so young when the AIDS epidemic struck in the 80’s made me kind of think of the people dying as like, fully adult people. And I mean in this series yeah they are technically adults but also still 20 somethings. And I just thought about what I was doing in my 20’s and how I was still figuring myself out, and imagining that AND this mysterious pandemic unfolding. It’s kinda weird to realize even though I was born before HIV and AIDS was really hitting the scene, I still grew up with it.

Once I saw this astrologer who said since I was born in the space after the pill was invented and before HIV hit, I had this aspect in my chart that would make me be extremely sexually free at random moments in my life. Like not always, but definitely I do see times in my life where I’m way more active than other times. It’s because Uranus was in Scorpio at that time, and Uranus is a generational planet, so it kind of applies to a lot of people born around the same time as me. Like between 1975 and 1980 or something.

I found out recently about a really intense play party I secretly wanted to go to but didn’t attend because I was nervous about it. But this person I’ve been talking to happened to go to it once and told me how it went down, and now I kinda wish I had gone. Because all the things I was worried about were very much non-issues in the end. Anyway, I don’t even know when I will be able to go to a play party again. I’m still doing kink events when I can. Mostly on Zoom.

I did a speed dating event for 2 Spirit people recently, mostly I talked to Americans, but they were really interesting to talk to. I also went to a kinky lunar new year event, which was mostly watching performances. I am gonna go to a discussion group about flogging tomorrow. I dunno, just trying to keep myself out there. I have been talking to someone recently which was potentially a date thing. Not sure how that will turn out but it’s been nice getting to know someone.

I’m not sure how I feel about this pandemic hitting at this particular time in my life. Some people are pointing out that this is really hard for elderly people because it’s like, their last two years on earth might be them being totally isolated. Other people point out that this is really hard for children, because of developmental phases and all of that. I think for myself it’s really disappointing because I had such an extended celibacy in my 30s, and then started having sex with people again and getting dates, and then the pandemic hit and I got dumped and dating just really hasn’t been much of a thing since this started. A friend of mine told our other friend that if someone asked her why she didn’t have kids in the future she was going to point to this pandemic and say it’s because her last childbearing years had a pandemic going on. It’s really awful.

I do feel weird about the kid thing. I’m starting to wonder if maybe I shouldn’t have kids. I’m wondering if I am gonna be too old by the time I’m in a place where I can do that. I don’t want to be a single mom. I don’t know how I can expect someone coming into my life to suddenly have a family with me. I’m really confused about it right now. I also am kind of relieved right now that I DON’T have kids. I can’t imagine parenting in a pandemic. I can’t imagine what that would be like with children. There’s lots of thoughts in my head right now.

It’s funny cause I remember people were always talking about five year plans, you gotta have a five year plan. And at most I was only able to have like, two or three year plans. And I don’t know why, it was just hard to see five years into the future. And now it kind of doesn’t matter. I think I have a one year plan now. Like it’s really reduced. And even then I don’t know what is gonna happen when the vaccinations are all done, like where we will be at that point. Will I be able to travel again?

I think my goal for so long was to get into a two bedroom here and have kids, and for that I needed a partner. But now I’m like, I dunno. Not sure about the kids thing. I’m not even totally sure I would want to live with someone. I mean maybe? I would need to know it was a good idea. And I just haven’t had much luck with roommates.

ANYWAY ha ha now I am listening to this song and feeling weepy. Not an Elton John song tho.

Student Loans PAID!!! WoooOOO!!!

I paid off my student loans yesterday! It was down to like, $2800, and I just wanted to finish it off already so I paid it off in one lump sum. But there was still this one loan from 2003 that was just over 2000 that said it was in collections. Anyway I went on a kind of roundabout phone search to find the loan so I could rehabilitate it and pay it off too. But eventually I found out from the student loans people that they’d just rolled that debt into the newer loan I’d had, so they were ALL paid off.

I want to celebrate! I can’t drink booze or do drugs. I wish I could have oysters maybe. Or a celebratory spanking. Fuck I don’t know! I didn’t even eat anything particularly delicious today.

It’s not like I had a HUGE loan, but it was still like, $18,000. And it’s paid. IT’S PAID! What do I do now? Save up for a house? All the houses in the neighbourhood I live in cost upwards of one or two million dollars tho so that would be a LONG time of saving. Anyway I have stable co-op housing so I don’t REALLY need to own property right now.

Maybe if there weren’t COVID times going on I would save up for a trip. I could still save up for a trip. A trip way into the future. Maybe I could go somewhere sunny. Maybe I could go to New Zealand finally. I dunno.

Anyway, that’s the big exciting news of right now, besides the fact we finished the short film and that’s done. Now we are submitting the film to festivals. I’m doing other work. I finished my draft of the feature which was a big relief and now it’s gone back to the Story editor for any more notes. It was hanging over my head making me bummed out, so I’m glad it’s done for now.

I ordered a new macbook pro! I actually got Applecare with it this time, because I have learned my lesson. No more getting laptops that turn out to need constant servicing. Or not stuff I have to pony up the money for myself.

I’ve been thinking a lot these days about peer pressure, which probably sounds funny for a 40-something to be thinking about. But I think I’ve been pressured by certain friends about who I should or shouldn’t date. And it’s gotten to the point where I’m actually really quiet about who I would genuinely want to date. I’m just tired of being judged, or people I like being judged. One time I really liked someone and ALL my fucking friends had an opinion about her and it was just honestly the worst, I wish I had just not told any of them about her. And there’s a few people on my radar right now, and one in particular, although I just know if we date people are ALL going to have an opinion about it and my feelings will be second to their shitty ideas of who we are or what it means. And then I also wonder about people I like who have mutual friends with me and I wonder if they are being told shitty things about me. Like, I just don’t think the whole queer community needs to be involved in my relationships.

I was dating someone a couple years ago who told me she didn’t want us to talk about it openly online, and it kind of stung at the time even tho she said it was just because she didn’t want The Internet involved. But now that I think about it more, she kind of had a good point. Why do so many people think their opinions matter in someone else’s relationship?

My last date and I had like, no friends in common, and it was actually really nice. No one told her shitty things about me and no one told me shitty things about her. Oh except one person but they say shitty things about a lot of people. Anyway, yeah.

You know, sometimes I have liked people who my friends have never met and know nothing about AND STILL they have an opinion about them. It’s kind of shocking how confident people can be about their limited knowledge of others.

Ahhh shit I want garlic bread.

Anyway besides thinking about how I don’t want to be peer pressured any more or given terrible unsolicited advice, I am doing good. I have been relaxing more these days. I don’t answer work emails on the weekend anymore, which is nice. but that doesn’t stop people from sending them to me.

Little Mister is blind and deaf, or his senses are very different now anyway. He’s got a good little sniffer tho, he can get around a lot just by using his lil nose. I notice him sniffing the ground more when he is looking for a snack or something. He’s a sweetheart tho.

I went to a shiatsu masseuse to work on my shoulder, but she thought it was actually a nerve issue. So she sent me to a physiotherapist who does dermaneuromodulation. It’s this thing I never heard of but was invented by someone in Saskatoon. Anyway, it involves applying light pressure in different directions on the skin, and it does something to the fascia. She also showed me two exercises to do for physio. She thinks it’s a radial nerve injury, like I overextended my radial nerve. So I’ve been diligently doing these exercises and its making a difference. My body isn’t in such sharp pain so often. And my finger is getting feeling back. And I’m able to lay on my stomach for short periods of time during sleep. And yeah, I don’t have the same sensations in my arm as I used to. So I think it’s improving. I hope I can keep it up, I would like to be healed up.

There was a point where my shoulder/nerve felt so bad that I didn’t even think I could have had sex even if I wanted to. But now I think I could have sex again. Not bondage tho. But like, regular sex.

I’ve been having romantic images or something come into my life. The first was a dream I had that this woman got down on one knee and presented me with a giant pink diamond engagement ring and asked me to marry her and I said yes. And then this weekend I was waking up one morning and could feel someone’s body holding me from behind like the big spoon. I don’t know what is up or why these little premonitions are showing up. I hope it does mean something tho.

Again tho I’m gonna have to protect any new relationships from opinions of my friends. I just cannot start dating or not dating people because of other people’s opinions of me or them.

Bra Times Again

I am trying to get back into some kind of… I dunno. Feeling of normalcy I guess. I mean I know things aren’t normal. But I used to actually care about my appearance and dress, and it’s just been like, t shirt times for ages. I’m starting to wear button up shirts again when I do certain zoom events. But I am starting to think I might do it more often, just because. Just to feel like I care about myself again.

One way I have started to take care of myself is by wearing a bra again. It probably sounds silly, but I was wearing shirts without a bra for weeks/months, and I have kind of had enough of it. It was nice to feel free for a while. But there’s something that is kind of reassuring about wearing a bra. Especially having larger breasts, even tho it’s winter and I wear a coat outside, without a coat people can see me kind of jiggling and it makes me self conscious. I don’t want to get top surgery. And I like my breasts in particular. But I just feel more secure with a bra.

So strange.

I was talking with my therapist about my loneliness in our last session. I’ve been so strict for so long and other people have been visiting and having fun and I was wondering if I was being too safe. And wondering what damage I was doing to myself by being alone for this long. And she said the thing about trauma is it’s not really something you can process while it’s happening, and we are in a state of collective trauma right now. So I guess I won’t know until later this year when things are better, when most people have their shots. Canada is going to end up going right to September to get people inoculated, so it’s going to take a while.

I think it’s also a really weird time to be having a sexual awakening, when I can’t really do anything about it. Like I feel like all these kinky puzzle pieces are falling into place in my mind and I really want to find another play partner but one who can also have sex with me. And potentially to start a relationship with. And I’m really confused about how to find someone. Like there is porn about the things I like to do, so obviously there is a market of people into these things. And really it’s not outrageous kink stuff, like it’s pretty reasonable raunchy sexy kink. So technically there shouldn’t be such a difficulty finding someone. But I’ve been going about this the wrong way and having more vanilla sex with partners and hoping to angle it more into kinky sex and then it just usually doesn’t get there.

I belong to a BDSM subreddit and I tried to ask a question about how to find appropriate kinky play partners, but the auto moderation kept catching it and I gave up. I tend to be auto moderated out of any posts I’ve made on reddit so mostly I lurk there and it’s kinda frustrating. I know why they make things difficult but really, it’s frustrating.

It’s not even like I could go to a play party and find someone right now, because no one is running play parties (or if they are it’s a fucking bad idea). I mean technically I could make a personals ad and at least start talking to someone. But I feel like it wouldn’t make sense, when we can’t even meet up right now.

Anyway back to the being safe. I am tempted to take risks, BUT the situation is pretty bad right now, and from what I hear hospitals in Ontario are going to have to start making decisions about who to treat and who to turn away as soon as February. Which is really soon. And I am chubby, and Indigenous, and I know I’m not gonna be a high priority on any doctor’s list. Like I just know that. So, I’m in the stage 1 group for the vaccine, so it could be anytime between now and May that I am up to get vaccinated. And like, yes that is a long window of time. BUT in the worst case scenario I just need to hang on to being super strict until May. And yeah I know I gotta wear my mask and stuff for longer, but at least maybe I would go on transit again.

I am gonna wait to make a personal ad until I finish getting vaccinated. Whenever that is. I am thinking a lot about how to word it. Like, my therapist suggested looking for someone into the same kind of sex I am into, and then maybe a relationship will develop or not. And I only one time specifically looked for someone based on a particular kind of sex I wanted at the time, and it didn’t work out but the sex WAS really good. And my non-sexual play partner and I met based on the kind of stuff we both liked, it’s just she is not available as a romantic option, but we do have other things in common. So I know it COULD theoretically work starting with kink and getting to know each other from there.

Anyway, in the meantime I am trying to work on myself so I feel normal again. I was lifting weights but I fucked up my left arm and pulled maybe one or two muscles, so I’ve got to give it a rest for a while. And the bra thing. The bra thing honestly makes me feel better and I don’t know why it just does. I ordered a new nice button up shirt that is pretty cute. I have new suspenders. I’m waiting to get paid out for a grant.

AND that’s not the only exciting stuff, we are also almost done with the short film! I saw the VFX and colour on Friday and it looks amazing. I’m honestly pretty happy with it. We have a deadline this week to submit to a festival. And then the other festivals are gonna need submitting to. So many festivals! I should actually work on a synopsis this weekend. Tonight I hear the sound design. And then… I dunno! And then it gets married to the picture tomorrow and I get to show people. With a password. It’s funny to work for so long on something and then suddenly it’s just done.

I mean it’s not gonna be just done tho, cause then we have a festival run to do, and also because we have to go back and finish the script, and then apply for production funds for the feature this is based on.

I’m really happy with how the vfx and special fx turned out tho. I was a bit worried it could look cheesy, but it turned out awesome.

So many things to think about.

Shots shots shots

Super 8 Shot of old house from Homelands film

I am looking forward to getting vaccinated. I’ve been waiting so long. The Ontario government says Urban Indigenous people in areas like mine that have high COVID rates are supposed to get vaccinated later this January. So of course I started acting like I was gonna become the community fucktoy when all my shots are done and my immune system has kicked in. BUT to be honest that’s probably not a good idea (the community fucktoy part I mean) just because we still have to distance and stuff until the transmissions go down among the population. ALSO even tho I went through a super horny period this last few weeks, I honestly get too up in my emotions when I am having sex with someone to be the community fucktoy. Like I would prefer to be one person’s fucktoy, and I don’t know who that person is.

I know who I wish I could be with but I just feel really lost about hoping for that to happen again. AND also I am having super raunchy fantasies right now, but I still want to be all in love and stuff. Raunchy love. I don’t know why I feel like it can’t happen both ways. Like can someone just spit in my mouth and say I love you to me? It seems so simple when I write it that way.

And yet I know some really intense sexy/kinky stuff can happen with someone who is also respectful and kind because there’s someone I play with who is like that with me (we are not dating tho) so it’s not this totally unreasonable thing to want. And like, ok yeah I could get into all my kinks but they are complicated and there are a lot of them and that’s not even what this post was supposed to be about.

This post was supposed to be about getting vaccinated.

I keep checking online for when it will be my turn to go in and be immunized. But people are worried the vaccines aren’t getting done fast enough, which made ME worried they won’t get to us by January. But who knows. I just have to trust the process I guess.

I want to go home and visit Saskatchewan when I get immunized, because I haven’t been there in well over a year, and I miss my friends and family. And I want to take a few more risks. I mean, I will probably still wear a mask because it makes people feel safer and also because we don’t know if vaccinated people can transmit it still. BUT I would at least start taking transit again. And seeing friends when lockdowns ease up.

I am trying so hard to be careful and I just want to do what I want again. Like, I miss Tinder dates even tho they were kinda getting shitty because of the pandemic. And I think it would be nice to be able to date other vaccinated people. and kiss people again. And see now we are getting back to my crazy fantasy of being the community fucktoy which is definitely preferable as a fantasy for me than reality.

Why did I name this post “Shots Shots Shots” instead of “Community Fucktoy”? To be honest I didn’t see this going this way when I sat down to write this. But I guess it is so I may as well lean into it.

I got a crush on a porn star I have never met this month. Like, I just saw this really hot psych ward role play scene she did and then ended up subscribing to the company she did a lot of work on. And she’s just this super cute super hot tall femme with a really regular body. And pubes which I like. And her breasts are just the usual, but nice, but not like giant or anything. OMFG yes also she has short nails, most of the time. For sure in her lesbian scenes anyway cause she likes fisting. I’ve never actually been a fan of a porn star before. She doesn’t even work in porn anymore, she went off to have a family. But anyway, I realized I really like lesbian FemDom porn, which I mean it’s kinda shitty I never thought to go looking specifically for it since that’s ACTUALLY the kind of sex I like. Mostly I was watching straight porn which is visually interesting and readily available, BUT not as sexy as this stuff I’ve finally started watching.

Also a lot of other lesbian porn I tried to get into was just not kinky enough for me, to be honest.

ALSO this porn star likes to talk a lot while fucking, which is really appealing for me, in real life as well. So it’s nice hearing the things she says. I think I actually learned more about myself by watching a lot of her lesbian scenes. Sometimes she subs too, which is also cute AND ALSO makes me feel toppy.

I think I might be a part time sadist which is INTERESTING because I never thought of myself that way before. But if this year has taught me anything it’s that there is definitely a toppy side to me that I haven’t explored as much as I would like to.

I still need to bottom at least half the time tho.

Anyway, I probably will never meet this porn star, BUT I definitely have more ideas about how I want to have sex in the future. Which is kinda cool. I like having new ideas.

ALSO the porn scenes always have a beginning where they talk with people about what is gonna happen in the scene, and then they have a part after where they debrief and check in. And it’s just really good communication. I’m learning that I need to be more specific about what I want to do, and that I need to just straight up ask if people want to do such and such. Cause I am sure I have been with lovers who are honestly as kinky as me, but we didn’t communicate a lot about it so we didn’t know that we could go there with each other.

That’s kind of an issue with a lot of my past relationships though. I’m getting better at communicating but it’s hard and sometimes it triggers other people, especially things that seem like conflict. And sometimes I get triggered, especially around rejection. I think I have trust issues too. And I need to forgive certain exes. And I AM forgiving certain exes, which is good.

This fall I got a new therapist who has been amazing for me. We talk a lot about my recurring issues with chasing emotionally unavailable women. Because fuck does it ever happen a lot. Anyway, I finally feel like we are getting somewhere. I’m actually deliberately trying not to date because I know I need to work on this stuff. So in a way, waiting to be vaccinated before going on dates again has given me a good window to just work on myself.

And discover new more interesting porn I guess.

plus if I have to wait for other people to be vaccinated too before dating, maybe it will give me an even longer window of just working on myself.

ALSO I have realized even though intellectually I know I am a masochist, I have a hard time putting it into words, and I have a hard time being honest with people that I am looking for a sadist, or that I play with a sadist. It’s so ridiculous, I think it’s just that people have a lot of baggage when it comes to those words. And sadists sound like people who go out non-consensually hurting people BUT THAT’S NOT TRUE. Consent is still all a part of that, or the dynamics I am involved with are consenting anyway. So yeah, I think it’s also related to what I mentioned earlier about feeling like raunchy sex and love can’t go together. Like, I want a sadist who will fall in love with me. But also I guess a switch so that I can be a sadist sometimes. I don’t know why these conversations are so hard for me to have with potential lovers. it’s complicated.

I haven’t talked with my therapist much about my kink issues. But she does know I am looking for a Femme top so I think she is aware, and she is queer also soooooo. yeah. Maybe this is something to bring up in therapy. I think it definitely cockblocks me at times. Like, what if these people I’ve had one night stands with don’t know there are also these dozens of other things I like doing and we just never got around to it, so they think I am terribly vanilla? Or what if they think I must be into poo eating or something super extreme that I am not into, and go “Oh man she’s too much for me.” AHHHHHHH.

Lmao I don’t think poo eating is COVID safe.

I am sorry you were lured to this post with the promise of discussing vaccination.

Prints for Sale!

I got locked out of this site, and kinda got lazy about getting around to getting it fixed. But I am back!
It’s really late at night so I’m actually going to bed. Maybe I will finish writing this in the morning.
Ha ha so a whole day went by and I didn’t get back to this until now.
anyway, I guess things are fine. We are selling a print of COVID 19 #3, a beading my Mom did which is now available as a 7 colour screenprint printed by Michael Peterson. They are $200 each plus shipping but you can also pick up in Saskatoon and Toronto. It’s a limited edition of 50 and 30 have already sold. So please email me at thirzacuthand@gmail.com if you would like one and I can arrange it. It’s raising funds for my short film “kwêskosîw (She Whistles)” which we are trying to finish post on this month.
Here is what it looks like:

Ha ha sheesh the embed code for this is so freaking ugly it’s good you can’t see it.
I feel weird talking about my personal life while also trying to hype up sales of this print. How is my personal life? It’s fine I guess. I mean I often feel like nothing is happening in it, and then I realize I am learning something new every day in my interpersonal sphere. I had a brief sexual awakening for a week which was pretty intense and then I think I just started constantly working again so I couldn’t enjoy it.
I have an hours worth of work tomorrow and then I finally get a break until Monday. I am so stoked. I’ve been working every day for a month, like NO WEEKENDS at all and it was wearing me out.
We also mailed out about 17 prints yesterday and today, so that feels good too, just knowing that Sera-Lys and I can get these prints into the hands of people who bought them to support us. They are really nice prints! I’m getting one framed myself.
The dogs are ok. Little Mister seemed to have a seizure or something, he’s been to the vet and now he’s on a medication for his thyroid. So far so good. We’ll see how he does. He isn’t on metacam anymore either, now he is on gabbies which is funny cause that’s a drug one of my relatives used to use recreationally. But these are such tiny doses and he already adjusted to them.
He’s dirty right now, he dipped his ears in brown bean sauce and I gotta wash him in the morning. Long haired dachshunds get the most messy. I think I have washed Posey like, once in seven years, but Little Mister gets washed every other month or so because he starts collecting blobs of food. Poor kid.
I’m good. I’m very thoughtful of a lot of personal things though, like failed relationships and that kind of thing. It’s ok tho. I will survive.