I think this is something that’s slowly been developing in my life over the last whatever many years, so it’s not a surprise to me at all. But I have decided to start taking testosterone and to ID as a trans man. I’m just honestly so tired of feeling like a liar every time I get gendered as female and let it go. I’m not a cis woman at all, probably not a Butch anymore either (although I still feel very connected to Butch communities since that’s where I spent my adult life so far). I think I just got tired of not being real about myself. And when I was in New Orleans my friend Tanya used he/him pronouns for me and I was like fuck yes, finally this fits.
I think most people knew I was some flavour of trans for a long time tho. Like I’ve identified as non-binary for a LONG time. I’ve been packing a dick sometimes for a long time too, like well over a decade. I was really particular about getting masculine clothing when I did my wardrobe glow up a few years ago. And so for me it’s not such a huge leap anymore to just be like “OK Honestly I’m a guy.” I think it’s always been there though. Like yeah I tried all kinds of different genders on, but even when I look at pics of myself when I was three years old I’m like yeah that’s a boy.
OMFG actually the irony is I think way way way back in this blog was the last time I tried to transition to male.
The last time was disadvantaged in a lot of ways. For one thing, the last time I came out as a man I also had a manic episode, so people back then were more weird about the idea of people being trans and mentally ill. Like they don’t go together. But I mean a huge cross section of any population is mentally ill so really it’s just that it was bad timing for my debut as a man. ALSO it was in Saskatoon, and I wasn’t as confident to be my actual self instead of following a more strict masculinity. Like, I dutifully bought clothes in the mens section, but ugh the colours suck. SUCK. Beige and burgundy and grey and navy blue and black. SO BORING. This time I am allowing myself to be a colourful man. Because I was bummed out in those more gender conforming colours. And also I think I just didn’t know who I could date or who would want to date me as a trans man. And I still don’t know who to date or who will want to date me, but at least now I know way more trans men who are having fun sex and love lives, so it doesn’t feel like, as depressing as before. Also I have more of a support network of other trans masculine people who are taking testosterone and it’s not so lonely.
Like, I got to ask my friend a ton of questions about hormones and transitioning and find out all kinds of things I could never find out in my googling. So that was really nice.
Also tbh I’ve been watching and reading about medical transition for like, maybe as long as I have been using the internet.
So on Monday I got a diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria from my GP and I didn’t want hormones at that moment. But then I realized nothing was really stopping me anymore either. Like, I’ve given up on my exes coming back, so it’s not like I’m worried about turning into someone my lover isn’t attracted to. And my grandparents are all dead, so no one can tell me my grandparents won’t understand. And really I thought about the last time I tried to transition when I changed my mind, because I kind of did it since someone I liked told me they liked butch women and not trans men. And I was remembering that even after she told me that and I DIDN’T transition, she still didn’t date me so I mean what even was the point of telling me that? So I’m kind of like, ugh, I just want to live my life and if someone is attracted to me then great but I don’t want to constantly be trying to meet someone else’s expectations of queer masculinity.
So yeah that’s the scoop. I was ambivalent about the name Thirza Jean, cause in some ways I like it. I didn’t want to go by Sarain again which is what my name would have been if I was born a boy. But I don’t totally feel comfortable with Thirza either. So right now I am going by TJ. Which people called me even when I was a little kid so it has historical consistency. My pronouns are just he/him/his now. I tried a triple pronoun combo for a while but yeah I know what I want now.
Anyway. I also have no idea what my sexuality is going to be when I’m on testosterone, because it can change. And I’ve heard a lot of anecdotes about T making guys think about cock all the time. So I’m prepared to be surprised. It’s better than a gender reveal, it’s a sexuality reveal! SURPRISE! You’re gay AGAIN but for boys! I don’t know honestly, I still love Femmes a lot. But also I wasn’t treated super well by Femmes when I was dating them as a Butch. I mean yeah there was sweetness but also some sad hard feelings. I think people forget masculine people have hearts that break.
OH MAN And also I don’t know what I’m gonna do about all this crying. I am like, crying so frequently on the current level of hormones I live with. It could also be menopause going on for me, so I don’t know how menopause and puberty is gonna be like at the same time. I’m hoping the T helps with my emotions though cause they are HUGE like the ocean and overwhelming.
It’s kind of a shitty time in the world to be trans, but also I feel like I’m prepared finally. I feel like, LET’S DO THIS!!! JAB IT IN MY THIGH! I’m just finally ready.
When I get sad it’s cause I think of how long I kept myself from making this decision, and how much of it was because of pressure from different people. I can’t live like that anymore, living for other people’s comfort.
Also I think internalized misandry fucked me up. Like, men can be awful, and I know this. And so after being aligned with women so much of my life, it’s weird to be one of Them, one of those Men people. But then I think of my life and like, when I was a kid I played with boys, when I grew up my friends were often trans masculine people, like it’s not like I haven’t been moving in masculine circles. So yeah, I’m trying to just accept myself as I am.
When I originally decided to take testosterone, I was gonna do microdosing and go super slow and all that. But as the days have gone by since making this decision, I’ve grown way more comfortable with the idea of things testosterone changes.
I also remember those face app gender switch filters I used to try, and how they would secretly give me a thrill when I would see myself with facial hair and a squared jaw, cause I looked like a super hot guy! I want to allow that guy to exist finally. I think the world could use one more sexy trans man.