Remember Why You Do This

I have been trying to come to peace with wild big themes of fame and attention and celebrity, and sort of who gets uplifted, and who doesn’t. And trying not to feel sore about not being famous or something I don’t know. I was talking with my Mom tonight on the phone because I hate having these feelings so I need to remember why I am an artist in the first place. She and I have both been making largely political work through our careers, and my father also. And Canada just doesn’t really have a system for art stars or anything. And when I tell people I’m in the Whitney Biennial a lot of people don’t know what that is. But then it’s like, do I really want to even be an art star? Like is that why I am making art? To be famous? I mean honestly that’s really not my intention with the work I do. I started making videos because I wanted to create representations of under represented communities, like teenage Indigenous lesbians, and then all the other multiplicities of marginal identities I picked up along the way and the people I grew to love and work with. Cause I remember growing up what it felt like to be a weirdo and alone and like I was the only one like me. And I didn’t want someone else to feel that way, like they couldn’t be complex and strange and having a sexuality that doesn’t involve men except in occasionally embodying feelings of transmasculinity. I’ve always said this in every artist talk I have ever done, I make representations of under-represented and under-served communities. I speak about and to 2S/Indigiqueer people. I’m really clear about it.

So I guess part of me thought the Whitney thing would be the big break, and I’d like finally be on the cover of something, I don’t know. But Canada is more excited about Venice because Canadians go to Venice and as a general rule Canadians don’t go to the Whitney Biennial because it was made for American Artists. But in a way this is good because it’s finally making me confront that old desire to be famous. I don’t know where it came from. Maybe it was some kind of ego compensation from when I was a bullied little kid or something. But does it really matter? Or is it really the art that matters?

When I think about my life and my future it’s not really like, driving around in a Mercedes or eating caviar or sleeping in king sized beds or even really doing interviews every week. I think about some really practical things like the stories I want to tell in my work, and visually arresting scenes I want to film, and children I want to raise and my home I want to live in and doing things in my community. I can still do all of those things without being famous.

And then again I think back to my under-represented and under-served communities and it’s like, yeah how can I even think I would be famous when I make work that not everyone can extend themselves to empathize with? Like some cishet people are just not gonna celebrate a kinky old fat NDN masculine lesbian. And it’s not that that’s okay, that’s just where they are in their personal evolution, and not much I can do about it.

But I was talking with Dayna Danger on Friday night in Kingston after our opening at Agnes Etherington Art Gallery and they were saying that they felt I made space for them and the other loud sexy challenging 2s artists coming up now. And when I think about it, maybe it’s true. And maybe that was the point. I was always trying to help people get video skills and encourage emerging 2s artists. I always kept it in the back of my mind that the reason I made videos with such DIY aesthetics was to subtly encourage other filmmakers and video artists that they could make something too without having the big production values and the big grants. And I guess it worked. And really that’s what I should be celebrating, that there’s a space for this work to be seen and embraced and people pushing the envelope.

People try to get famous in all kinds of destructive ways. And probably I could be more famous if I changed the type of work I make and made really consumable images. But I honestly didn’t want to be a celebrity, I wanted to change the world, and those are two very different things.

Devout and Out: Susan

I’m so pleased to be able to say I have directed this short doc episode in the CBC Gem series “Devout and Out.” It’s a series about Queer Priests and Ministers. My episode is about Susan Beaver and her nomination for Moderator of the United Church of Canada. It was such a pleasure to get to know her as we shot this episode.

I find a lot of people in my circle have triggers around Christianity, which is to be expected from a community/group of people who have been violently colonized by Christian Europeans. I tried to explore some of the tension between being Indigenous and Christian in this episode, and also being Queer. It’s a very complicated situation for a lot of people.

And yet my Grandparents were Anglicans, including my very Plains Cree Grandpa who was an Anglican Minister. And my Auntie Beth is also now an Anglican Priest. And for a time in my 20’s while I was sorting myself out I was also a Christian (although I didn’t talk about it much). So I have a different perception of Indigenous Christians than probably a lot of Indigenous people who really reject Christianity. And there definitely are Indigenous Christians who have found comfort in Christian teachings. And I’m not really going to tell them they are wrong for that because of the bloody history of Christianity. Just as I wouldn’t tell Indigenous Buddhists that they are less Indigenous because they believe in something that isn’t “traditional” spirituality.

But I think Susan talks about all of this way better than I can. So I hope you watch my episode, and the others which are also on Youtube and CBC Gem. The series is “Devout and Out” and I got to work with a great team and I hope we get to work together again!

Happy Easter!

Roundup of Blabby

So the doc I made has been released! I’m gonna make a separate post about it cause I want to go back to blabby about personal stuff without being too revealing. I dunno it’s a weird dance.

I DID go on a date, at least it had all the hallmarks of a date, and it was nice and we are gonna see each other again. So my No-Dates stretch is over. I had a few other interesting things happen that I won’t talk about here. BUT I’ll just say that it more than made up for being rejected by two femme tops in three hours a couple weeks ago or whatever. Ha ha omg. You know it’s not even like that was this awful thing that happened to me, I think I was just so surprised that TWO rejections happened in such a short span of time.

I seem to be polyamorous right now, or like solo polya maybe since I don’t have specifically defined relationships at the moment. Just sort of romantic/sexy intrigue with a few people. But the last few years I’ve been so “Rah rah rah I’m gonna be monogamous!” that this turn of events, which could be brief I don’t know, is a bit surprising. I’m going with it! I’m not gonna talk about who these people are here though cause they have their own private lives. I think I’d probably only talk about a partner if we were in a serious long term relationship, and even then it would be neutral stuff like “My wife and I got a new dog today” or something. And who knows, in the future I could wind up in a monogamous relationship, I’m not ruling anything out. I am just sort of exploring sexy dates and cuteness, and playing with folks in mutually rewarding ways.

I had a mostly quiet week this last week. I didn’t do anything majorly exciting. I saw some experimental films. My short doc in Devout and Out got released on CBC Gem. I got some fancy art mail. I dunno, that’s about it. I finally bought a plane ticket to Saskatoon to do some shooting in August. Seems so far away! It’s not really. It’s already nearer to the end of April, and then just May June and July and then I’ll be home. “Home.” I mean it’s not my home anymore. But I will probably always call it home.

I have to do some shooting here in Ontario this spring/summer too, and I’ve been SO SHITTY at planning it. Ideally we would shoot in two days. It’s complicated! I have to get my ass in gear because it’s been due to be finished for a while now. And I’m gonna do it I am!

The performance I did seemed to go well, except for a technical glitch that made the video stop for like, five or ten minutes. Awkward. We finished with the backup file, which didn’t have the best sound mix on it but at least it was something. I’m still going to turn it into a stand alone video.

Extractions Performance

Here is a photo from it!

The Whitney Biennial is coming up, so soon! It’s weird to be like, featured at the end of the exhibition, when all these people get to have their art scrutinized for months and months! Ha ha omg and my videos that are in it are temporarily down from the internet for contractual reasons. So I’ll be like, down there to party all sober like the teetotaler I am without even being able to point to some art and say “That’s mine!” at the openings. My friends ARE coming down to hang with me tho at the openings which is super exciting, I think we’re gonna be so cute. And I still have a plus one if I want to take a girlfriend but I don’t think any of my romantic/sexy intrigues are in a place where that is possible right now. BUT I will be going back to New York in September and who knows maybe something more serious will have developed by then.

OKAY now I will make a post for the doc episode I directed, “Susan.” Ha ha by the time you read this you will have seen that.

Trying Not to be a Whiny Babby

Ha ha omg I swear I’ve titled another blog post with the same title at some point. Ugh. OMG.

ANYWAY. Things are fine. I got interviewed by Canadian Art on Monday so that was nice. I got rejected by two femme tops in the space of three hours on Monday too which was kind of crazy. I think that is the most rejections in three hours I have ever gotten. I guess it’s a good thing though cause it means I am circulating or something. But I still haven’t had one date this year yet. I had like, two in the fall, and like maybe two in the spring and summer last year. But that was LAST year and this year has been mostly nothing.

Someone told me “You’ll get snapped up right away!” but no. I mean not this week I guess. Maybe next week?

I have a performance at CFMDC on Friday that I got ready for yesterday. I finished my sound mix on my video, and I bought my props. I have been answering emails about some other stuff, and only today realized someone we need to run something by for a doc being released soon is on medical leave. So that’s tricky. I have to do a test recording of audio from a phone call with my Auntie sometime this week so I gotta talk to her about that.

I got an email from one of my current employers that they are paying me in the next couple of days and I was like oh thank god. Not like I have no money in my account, I just like keeping it full.

I got over being sad about that Canada Council grant I didn’t get because I heard it’s harder for contemporary artists in the particular Indigenous stream I applied to. So I am not applying to that stream again.

Anyway I wrote another grant for the same project to somewhere else and we’ll see if they fund me. If not I’ll apply for something else I guess.

I have to look at some notes I got on a feature script, and then talk with my producers about next steps.

Ha ha fuck this blog just turns into like, career to do lists. I don’t know if that is helpful.

There’s a Queer Slow Dance this Saturday, so I am looking forward to that. Maybe I can find the next femme who will reject me. Ha ha omg that sounds awful. No I mean the thing is the people who have been rejecting me don’t really know me. So it’s not really awful. Not like getting rejected by someone you let deep into your soul who still didn’t find you lovable. That really sucks and stings. Being rejected by people who don’t know you really at all is fine, it happens.

My Mom was like “OH maybe they are going to your facebook and finding out you want kids and it makes them run away.” And I was like “Well, I’m turning 41, if they don’t want kids someday and it makes them run away maybe they SHOULD run away.” But I mean I really don’t know the reasons.

There was someone who asked me on a date a few weeks ago and then just never got back to me again. I wonder whatever happened to her? Kind of lousy.

ANYWAY I do have some hope on the horizon it’s not all bleak. I’m going to the Whitney Biennial openings next month and a bunch of friends are coming with me. And I am seeing Metric on my birthday. And I am going to Lizzo when I get back from New York. And in June a cute friend is coming to see me. And the Distillers are performing then! And I am doing other work, like I am the camera operator for a video about 2 Spirit concerns geared to Service Providers, and later this month we start the Indigiqueer Video Workshop series so that will be fun. Hopefully we get more applications. Because right now I keep hearing people say they want to apply, but no one has emailed us an application. HURRY UP!

I’m glad spring is here. Winter in Toronto was brutal this year. So many snow storms. So cold! I want to see leaves on the trees again. And wear less clothes.

Trying Not To Think About It

I think I need to write a press release or something before any media organizations are going to be interested in me being in the Whitney Biennial. And it kind of sucks. I hate writing press releases. And I feel like there were so many press releases about it anyway. But no news organization or magazine or anything has asked me anything about my involvement. And it feels like a big deal and people keep telling me it’s a big deal but I’m just you know, still that weirdo queer NDN who no one knows what to do with. I don’t know. UGH I hate writing press releases. PAY ATTENTION TO ME! Ugh. And it’s not like I’m hard to find, this blog and website are the first things that come up when you google me.

It feels like people should just be interested in writing about me on their own. But I guess no one is. And it kind of sucks.

Art careers are so weird. There’s this whole cult of personality that goes with artists and I dunno, maybe I do too much art for free or something. Like this blog. Like a bunch of videos I made with no grants (one of which is going to screen at the Whitney Biennial in September). Like people are always being “Make sure you get paid for your work” but to be honest if I’d waited for grants I wouldn’t have even started my career back in the 90’s. And I am still underpaid now for a lot of things. I’ve decided I’m not talking in classes for less than $150 though, because I am so tired of it.

ANYWAY I actually did make a whole new video this week, which is a fucking relief and weight off my mind. It still needs editing, but at least it’s done for my performance at CFMDC next Friday April 5. At nine pm! Be there! Anyway, I have a bunch of videos to make this year and that was one of them. I also need to finish my video I got an OAC grant for, and another video I got a TAC grant for. And another video I want to make in response to some things. So I guess that means I got three more to do this year? I can do it! I need to do some serious writing. I have some script rewrites I gotta do too. SO that’s a whole thing.

OH FUCK NO there’s another video I am making! I just forgot about it! I have a phone call with the producer later for it. SO that brings me up to what? Four! Five altogether if you count the one I just finished, cause I still actually have to edit it down a bit more before I put it into distribution. OH MAN.

I mean it’s really good I am making so much work right now. I am glad I am staying on top of it. And I feel like it’s been helping me grow as an artist every time I work on a new project. And I’ve been figuring out some ways to fix my script while I work on unrelated projects.

HA HA HA OMG! SO I just got an email from Canada Council that I didn’t get my big grant. Which is fine and all. It’s just a bummer and another year of poverty. I can apply for another grant right away I’m just not going to apply for that one again with that project. I don’t know what I’ll apply for.

That’s like expert level for parenting

SO ANYWAY ha ha I guess since I wrote like, ONE PARAGRAPH about babymaking in the last post, I have been thinking more about it and I kind of wanted to give a bigger update on what is happening.

SO originally I went to get my eggs retrieved and frozen last year because I wanted to someday soon have a baby. And that’s still the goal. But also a big part of me was just so fucking tired of waiting for a partner who would take me seriously enough to have a baby with me and raise it and be with us for the rest of our lives, when I couldn’t even get someone to change their facebook relationship status to “In A Relationship” with me the entire time I have had Facebook (since 2007). So yeah I was all FUCK IT I’M DOING IT MYSELF! And got that referral to CreATe fertility clinic from my G.P. And yeah that whole process of getting massive hormonal injections and then eggs retrieved happened. And while I was going through that process I couldn’t help but compare my solitary situation to all these couples who were you know, doing it TOGETHER and in it TOGETHER and helping each other out and getting coffee for each other and discussing next steps TOGETHER. And I’m like, alone. Finally the fertility clinic said I needed to bring someone with me for the very last step which was when I got the eggs retrieved, because I would be under conscious sedation and not totally tip top and able to get home on my own. And so a friend did come and help me get home.

BUT all the rest of my appointments were all by myself. And I usually can do things by myself, like I eat dinner in restaurants by myself quite frequently. I go to movies on my own. I live alone. I have had sex alone MOST OF MY LIFE. But I don’t know, after going through the process of doing fertility stuff I realized I felt woefully unequipped to have a baby by myself.

AND if no one comes along I will still have a baby. I know this about myself. But it’s so weird, there’s this situation that made me kind of panic when I thought about it and really made me worry. I was like OKAY so what if the baby pooped EVERYWHERE and I’m like cleaning him up (I have a feeling I’m gonna have a son but I could be surprised) and then I realize I used the last diaper and I need someone to run to the store and get me diapers AND ALSO some pop because I’m stressed and thirsty. I mean logically I know I could wrap up the baby in a cloth diaper or a towel or something and run there and back with him. BUT I just think damn it would be easier if there was one more person doing this with me. I don’t know why it’s that specific situation that made me stop and think.

BUT like I said in the last post, this year I am banking sperm from my donor for future use to create this small being. So that’s still steps that are being taken to get from No Baby to Maybe Baby. I’m not going on the adoption list because I have bipolar disorder and I think it’s going to disqualify me to adopt. At least from what I could gather reading about adoptive parent requirements, that seems to knock me out of the chances of raising a baby that way. Which yeah it sucks. Anyway, making a baby this way is the most logical that I can see. So that’s what I am doing. I still need to find a surrogate. Which is potentially expensive. UNLESS…

See and this is why I’m like oh fuck who is gonna want to date me now because I could have my future partner carry our baby. I mean I don’t know, maybe I am just hanging around the wrong people. It seems like a big dealbreaker. And it’s not like she would HAVE to, because we could still get a surrogate. It’s just very convenient if the other mother carries the baby. So yeah fuck.

I guess at least I know what I want???

See when I was younger I was mostly looking for partners based on kink compatibility. But now it’s shifting into some totally different thing where I’m not like “Ooooh how toppy is this Femme?” it’s more like “Would she be a good parent?” I’m sure there must be Femme tops out there who want to parent ALSO though. Oh god I hope so.

I think I was ruined as a teenager by anti-parenting propaganda. There was all this panic about teen pregnancy rates, so my generation was taught oh you have to be responsible and ready and making X amount of dollars to have a baby and have a partner. You need to be So Grown Up which is fine when you are a teenager, but when you sail through your 20’s and 30’s still feeling Not Grown Up enough to have a baby because of poverty, that kind of sucks. It’s classism really. And I’ve never even lived with a romantic partner. So yeah, having a baby got put off until I had enough money to pay for fertility stuff. And had just gotten tired and old. And now I don’t know the egg quality I actually have, and I won’t know until we go to fertilize them. So who knows how this will turn out.

But I really do want to have a baby with a partner now, and that’s made things difficult again. Because now I’m like how long am I willing to wait for this to happen? I already turn 41 next month. At least my eggs got frozen at 40. Ugh. I come from a line of long living people, like nineties minimum, one great grandma actually lived to 103. So it’s not unreasonable to bet I can do another 50 years and make sure my kid grows up okay and is stable before I disappear.

Life is fucking complicated. And my Mom was a single parent with special needs kids. Like it is POSSIBLE and I know cause I’ve seen it. But it’s the biggest difficulty setting on the parenting game and I just don’t know if I can do it or not.

There are things I think about having a kid that I really want though, like just the sort of emotional care that goes into it, and making sure they grow up with decent values and social skills. And being aware that they might have some of the same things I have, but being more prepared than my Mom was because I know how to live with those things. And kids are so weird and interesting and unpredictable. I kind of love that about them.

Anyway who knows!

I’m not gonna do it…. I’m not gonna do it….

I promised I wouldn’t talk about dating on my blog, because it makes dates paranoid. And so I promise I still won’t talk about dates on my blog. BUT I am in a situation where I have at least one person who likes getting flirts from me, and maybe someone else to hang out with which could be a date or maybe she just thinks I could be a neat friend I don’t know but she’s super cute. And then there’s someone else who asked me on a date and then vanished so who knows what is up with that, if she will ever show up again. Hello??? ANYWAY I feel a bit more positive about dating these days. I’m still technically a single person, so that’s fine. But I feel like there are some dates coming, or at least hang outs with cute people. AND better yet none of these people come from OKCupid, except kind of one, who disappeared. Maybe she will return. I deactivated my dating profiles though because I got sick of advertising on there. Now I just post cute selfies on Instagram.

MOSTLY I just want to get to know people these days and feel cute. BUT ALSO I’ve kind of put aside this pressure to find The One, the Perfect Person who is gonna be my partner FOREVER. I think right now I’m just kind of exploring what chemistry I have with people and if I feel safe and trust them then having some fun sexy times. I don’t know what’s gonna happen to me anymore. I do know I’m tired of waiting for the stars to align to have the kind of sex I’ve been hungering for.

I kind of know EVENTUALLY I’m gonna end up in a relationship with someone who genuinely wants to build it up to something serious. But for now I’m just trying to maintain my curiosity and openness towards cute smart kind people. Cause it’s kind of heavy if I come out on first dates going “I WANT A BABY AND A WIFE!” it makes people panic. Which is fine, it’s a scary thing to ask for commitment and first dates are not the time for that anyway. Like there are some steps to get to that point. And I know some dates won’t get there, and that doesn’t mean I don’t still want some cute good times with them.

Speaking of babies, I’m also moving into Phase 2 of Babymaking this year, which is banking sperm from my donor for Future Baby. I still need someone to be a gestational surrogate, or a reciprocal surrogate who is my partner (whoever that is but I won’t tell her about this on the first date at least!). But right now we need to do this whole long process and because of Canada’s wonderful semen regulations he has to have his sperm go into quarantine for six months. Which is a fucking drag. BUT ALSO I am pretty sure I won’t find someone who wants to be impregnated before the quarantine is up ANYWAY. So fucking complicated. SCIENCE BABY! I’m relieved the donor is still interested in letting his DNA live on in some Lesbian’s baby! ALSO Yeah I know it sounds like it should be easier, BUT MY UTERUS DOES NOT WORK remember. Otherwise this would have been way cheaper and quicker.

ANYWAY with frozen sperm and eggs, I will hopefully be able to make a new being in the future who has good looks, a great sense of humour, a cute sarcastic personality, and is smart and kind. And who doesn’t have to save the world, they just have to be a good person who feels community responsibility like I do and like my Mom does.

And hopefully after dating some people for a while, I’ll have a solid foundation with someone who wants to do The Thing with me and have a life together. BUT right now I just want cute sexy times with interesting good people.

Butt Washing Plumbing

I ordered a bidet before I got sick, like an attachment for my toilet. Not a whole bidet on it’s own. BUT ANYWAY I was sick for a long time so I didn’t have the energy to put it together. Also I admit I was intimidated by the idea of undoing plumbing and flooding the neighbour below me. So I left it for a while. A long while. It was sitting around in it’s box and I was having some kind of plumbing anxiety as I got healthier and had more energy.

BUT today my goals for the day were to take my recycling out, do my taxes, and install this bidet. My taxes are almost all done, I just need to figure out some more expenses and deduct them. BUT ANYWAY I decided to tackle the bidet finally. Because I want a clean butt! And I think I’d use less toilet paper.

SO the first thing I did was very wimpy, I tried to turn off the water supply to the tank. And I did a bad job, the knob was really stuck, so I had to put on a glove and then cushion it with another glove and finally turn it off. Then I screwed some pieces into the hose and the toilet. Then I had to take off the toilet seat to put the bidet on. That took a long time because I didn’t realize I needed to hold onto the bolts under the toilet to get it unscrewed. But google saved the day, then I cleaned the toilet because it was grubby. THEN I put things on, screwed the toilet seat bolts back in. Screwed the hose onto the bidet. And then tried turning the water on. It leaked right away. It took me a good hour of screwing and unscrewing and putting on rubber tape before I read the instructions and realized I didn’t put a crucial washer in. THEN it took me another few tries of screwing and unscrewing before I realized the instructions were wrong and I needed to flip the washer the other way, AND THEN it finally didn’t leak.

SO I tried it of course, and my butt feels clean. Like, remarkably clean. I haven’t had a poop yet though so obviously that’s gonna decide if it’s really this revolutionary new thing for me. But yeah, I like it! It’s not a fancy bidet, it isn’t electric, literally just a lever that shoots cold water at my ass, or cleans its own nozzle. It was forty bucks off Amazon. But I’m hoping it kicks my life up a notch. Like I’ll have a clean butt for butt stuff, or I won’t need so much toilet paper and it will be better for trees.

I dunno! We’ll see.

I scraped my knuckle when I was doing all this screwing and unscrewing tho, which kinda sucks.

ALSO doing plumbing sucks, I hated the way my body was all contorted while I was crouching or bending trying to screw things in properly. And it got frustrating when I was dealing with the leaks. BUT ALSO very satisfying to actually install it and have this thing now.

So I guess I’ll do my recycling and taxes next. These are just things that seem like a drag but have to get done.

The Cheese Stands Alone

SOOOOO I order groceries from Instacart ever since I broke my foot last summer, originally because it was the only way I could get my groceries while I had limited mobility, and eventually just because it was the easiest way to get a large volume of food into my house without needing to call a cab to bring it home. ANYWAY I had ordered my groceries last week or whatever and the order was fine you know, it went as planned. I had ordered .2kg of Irish Porter Cheddar which is my favourite cheese. The last thing I pull out of the bag is this fucking 1.2kg HALF A WHEEL of Irish Porter Cheddar. And it’s great cheese, but I can’t eat THAT MUCH in a timely manner before it goes bad. ALSO I didn’t really WANT to spend $92 on cheese.

So Instacart was great and gave me a credit on my order of $92 so I didn’t have to pay for this error. I lowkey felt bad for the delivery guy tho cause I’m sure he got dinged for it, EVEN THO I know it was his responsibility not to upgrade me to a whole kilo more of cheese.

ANYWAY I started trying to give it away on Facebook, and friends sort of offered to take some but no one actually did and I was getting pressed for time. I brought it to the TQFF meeting we had and thank god they took half of it. I ate some more also and had been joking with friends about going to an art event and leaving it on the cheese and cracker table. And then yesterday Andrew Paterson was having this Yay Celebrate kind of fancy get together at Trinity Square Video because he’s getting the Governor General award. So I went and left a very big block of cheese there also, and I think it got eaten although I left before the end of the event so who knows. It was a more manageable chunk by that point.

ANYWAY I was thinking back to my time in the DTES of Vancouver and how there was this ongoing joke about the cheese at this dive bar the Ivanhoe. People would come in and go from table to table trying to sell these wheels of cheese. It was frequent enough to become something of a joke like going to the Ivanhoe for cheese. I’m sure they were stealing it from somewhere and trying to sell it. I don’t know where I would go to sell a wheel of cheese here. Wing Machine? Oh god. I mean it was hard enough to give it all away.

I’ve had a cold the last week or so. It’s been a real drag. It only got super bad on Sunday. And then it was bad Monday but kind of got better but it’s still there. I’ve been upped to 40mg of Vyvanse which has been great for me, more focused and productive. But for a few days I was taking cough medicine and being like “Wow I feel high what the hell?” There was one day I didn’t take my Vyvanse until a few hours after I took the cough medicine because I had to go pick up my prescription. Anyway the Vyvanse kicked in an hour before the cough medicine wore off and I was like “WOW I feel fucked up and high.” And it was like, speedy ecstasy or something high, except without the lovey vibe, just the sweaty high feeling. It was fucking gross. I didn’t take that cough medicine again, it had pseudoephedrine in it and another druggy thing and anyway it was totally interacting with my Vyvanse. Major problems! I guess I can’t take that kind of medication anymore.

The good thing is I realized after almost seven years of sobriety I PREFER being sober. I don’t like mind altering shit like that. Ugh gross. The Vyvanse is treating my ADHD so I don’t get high off it, I just feel normal. But mixed with pseudoephedrine it’s a whole different horrible story.

And that’s what I have to say about cheese and cough medicine.

ALSO I did notice a little bit of a difference in how people treat me last night at this arty event. It was probably the first time I went to an art event since the Whitney news came out, and I dunno I just noticed people had this weird kind of awe. Aw man it sounds snotty. I don’t know how I feel about art star status. I’m just the same person I always was. Ha ha oh god does this mean I’m gonna start listening to Jenny From The Block on repeat and going “YEAH MAN!!!”?

Whitney Biennial Here I Come!

So it’s finally public! I am in the Whitney Biennial! I’ve been sitting on it for ages and just like, amassing a large collection of nice shirts while I wait for the news to come out. Unfortunately I didn’t also collect many nice pants, so right now my wardrobe is like, nice button ups and shabby jeans. BUT I am going to New York in May when they do the opening receptions and so maybe I will go to Macy’s and get something decent from the plus section.

This past weekend I was at OUTsider Festival in Austin Texas and it was amazing. I got to see so many old friends, and be with an old girlfriend of mine I had dated when we were way young. It was nice seeing so much amazing art and meet amazing artists. I showed an early career retrospective of my work, 9 of my videos from Lessons In Baby Dyke Theory to Reclamation. People loved it. I was so nervous, I don’t know why I still get nervous. I think maybe because I was at the end of the festival on the last day, and everyone was doing amazing work. I admit I still have some insecurities.

Anyway, I was in the cab on the way back from the airport yesterday when they announced the artist list for the Whitney Biennial and I was like “OMFG FINALLY” because I kept waiting and waiting and WAITING to be able to talk about it. And now I can!

I have so many feelings about it. I think the audience reaction to my work at OUTsider Festival kind of made me feel a bit more secure like “OHhhhh maybe it’s time, maybe people are ready.” I mean I have had a LOT of opportunities, I don’t want to sound like I have been toiling in obscurity. But my work is weird, and because it uses a lot of comedy (sometimes but not always) people often kind of dismiss it I think, especially as experimental film. Like I’m not really a formalist of any kind, I just like making weird videos with political points about my communities and because I don’t know what other genre to put them in I say they are experimental. Some of them are WAY experimental tho, like not all of them are laugh fests. Although the two videos that will be in the Whitney are pretty funny.

I think maybe I was worried when I first found out I was in the Whitney about sort of, professional jealousy from friends. I don’t know why I worried about it. Mostly people have responded really enthusiastically and are happy for me. I’m trying to remember that we really do want to see each other succeed. It’s not a competition. Although admittedly sometimes it feels that way.

I think the other thing I was worried about was like, getting ungrounded and turning into a diva or something. But it’s been public for over 24 hours now and even though my name is out there and I am getting congrats from people, I also did all my laundry this afternoon, and I think I gotta clean the house, and I still have an ant infestation to deal with. I found another nest they are living in, in my cactus, and so I gotta use diatomaceous earth on it. I’m trying to get back into my work because I do have a couple of short scripts to write, a video/performance to make by the beginning of April, rando paperwork from other things that needs to be done. I need to update my bio and my C.V. Just art junk ha ha.

I’m a little worried about the public scrutiny that comes with things like this. But mostly I am trying to just enjoy what is happening for me. I’m in the screening so my work won’t be seen at the Whitney until the end of the Exhibition, in September. But I am gonna go down for the opening receptions and stuff. I want to meet the other artists. And see it in all it’s glory! And wear some of my super nice shirts. Hopefully I can get better pants by then.