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Avoiding My Blog Like The Plague

I’ve had a rough month. I mean maybe most of it was fine, but the last week and a bit got SO STRESSFUL and I felt like if I came back and wrote something here about what was going on it would get quoted in some Art Mag and then people would pile on me on Twitter and I just honestly didn’t know how to deal. I can see why people hire publicists. I did make one statement to Art News and part of it got quoted, I mean it seemed to be a good quote, the part they picked. But it all felt immense and mostly I was concerned about presenting a unified front with other artists who were reacting in various ways.

ANYWAY yeah, as I had mentioned in a few posts I am in the Whitney Biennial this year. And I was asked to be in it last year, around November. And after I said yes the stories started coming out about Kanders, and WAGE and Decolonize This Place asking artists to withdraw from the Biennial. And it’s a really hard decision to make. I don’t have a lot of high profile shows I have been in. It’s such a huge platform. And also my work was going to be in an Indigenous film program near the end of the exhibition. I would have two screenings and have 12 minutes of video screen in each screening. So out of this exhibition I’m showcased for about 24 minutes altogether. And in many ways I was hoping if I held out I could see how this all plays out on it’s own. And I have mostly screened in Artist Run Centres and in small festivals all over the world. So to be in the Whitney was a big deal.

Anyway obviously the Kanders thing was looming over this. And I don’t think anyone wanted to be associated with a war profiteer. And the places where Safariland teargas has been used are places a lot of the artists including myself felt allied with the protestors it was used on. And then there were people bringing up the point that there are many galleries and museums and universities who are getting funds from all kinds of unethical places. Capitalism is never an innocent force.

So I had been thinking about this for a while and knowing I would probably do something to make my feelings known. There was a letter Verso put out asking Kanders to step down that I and a lot of other Biennial artists signed. And I think there was still potential for other actions to happen. But then more recently this letter came out in Artforum shaming the artists who were still in the Biennial for not pulling out.

It really stressed me out because a lot of what was going on seemed to deflect anger at Kanders into anger at the artists, and artists are generally disenfranchised people anyway. And 8 artists withdrew from the exhibit. Which I was in solidarity with but I wasn’t going to withdraw because I still wanted to figure out another way of protesting. I did come up with something I was going to do which I won’t mention here because now it’s a moot point. But I made the mistake of looking at what people were posting on social media, including Twitter, and a lot of it was really reflecting this idea of a binary of the good artists who withdrew like people have been asking us to since November/December, and the bad artists who were going to be judged by art history and have our reputations ruined. And this whole time I had been worrying that the Kanders controversy was going to destroy my career no matter what decision I made. If I pulled out I’d be like, hard to work with, and lose my big break, and if I stayed in I would have shitty politics even though I still tried to be vocal about my feelings on his participation in the board. I don’t feel like I have a lot of clout, and since my video was gonna screen at the end of the Biennial, if I pulled out no one would have seen my art at all, while other artists had shown for half the exhibition.

So I was trying to keep it from being about myself, but it was starting to feel like my work didn’t matter anyway compared to this massive political art world scandal, and I was being selfish by seeing how complicated this was and not withdrawing. I also didn’t feel like I had a lot of friends to talk to about it. My closest friends mostly aren’t in the art world and didn’t really even know what the Whitney Biennial is. And I was snoozing people on social media who were posting in favour of artists withdrawing because even tho I understand it’s a powerful political statement, it felt like more pressure I didn’t want to see in my facebook feed at that time. I did have a few people to talk to but it was starting to put me in a tailspin and I felt sometimes that people didn’t see the full ramifications of the whole situation, especially for individual artists who all have different situations in their lives. And just the fact that it was a biennial of artists who were mostly BIPOC and half women being sort of demonized for not reacting the way the narrative wanted us to felt shitty. Like taking it out on BIPOC and women artists when the real enemy was this white cis male war profiteer felt like a shitty and convenient deflection.

Anyway I was stressed and if anyone asked me how I was doing there was like, a long sigh. I felt really worried about making the wrong statement, and I was going to write one with a friend who knows media better than I do (I mean press media). And also I just felt really concerned about the artists in the show, both the ones who withdrew and the ones who were staying for now. I felt that I wanted to be supportive of any way that people protested or didn’t protest or spoke out or didn’t speak out. I know people’s careers were at stake no matter how we responded, and it was a really awful situation to be in.

So right, I was waiting to see how this would play out, but I was getting pretty depressed, and my mental health is not tip top anyway, it can really vary according to whatever the hell my brain chemicals are up to. And at the same time I know it was all way bigger than me, I was like a dust mote in this tornado. And I was feeling hopeless, people were telling me he probably wouldn’t resign anyway, that there were other people on the board who also had shady dealings, etc etc.

And then Thursday morning I woke up to news Kanders resigned. I’m still absorbing it. I know it was largely those eight artists withdrawing and the question of if more would withdraw that finally forced his hand. And that’s great, I’m glad it happened, I’m glad those eight artists felt like they could take that risk on and that their gamble paid off. I’m still kind of reeling though at how much infighting happened in the art world, and I’m still wondering if people are going to take it out on the artists who didn’t withdraw. And I’m wondering when this will happen again, because pretty much every major institution is being funded by dirty money.

In some way I am a little bit sad that I never got to do my action. But that’s really just political vanity so I’m not dwelling on it. My friend Maria Hupfield was one of the protestors at the opening who got a lot of art news press when her and her friend did their action, and she got in on my invitation which was pretty sweet but also like yeah that was all her I didn’t talk about it with her besides her giving me a heads up she was gonna do an action. There was a lot of stuff going on behind the scenes, and a lot of stuff, like actions, no one will see or know about because finally the situation has been resolved in a positive way.

I think however that my own conflicted feelings are starting to go away, and now I’m really thinking about how rapidly change can happen when you don’t expect it. I know it’s a big deal that he resigned, but it also gives me hope on a larger scale for change to happen overnight. For instance I have been thinking a lot about climate change and the end of the world and how politicians including in Canada are all in the pockets of the dying fossil fuel industry. And at times it feels hopeless, and like our planet really is just gonna die and we have all accepted this. But then I think fuck, maybe something will happen and one day I will wake up to news that capitalism has fallen or something. You never fuckin’ know.

So I guess besides learning change can happen fast, and that direct action like withdrawing work from a show works (even though I didn’t withdraw), I’ve also learned that sometimes you really do just have to hang on and see how things play out. I still don’t feel out of the woods yet personally in terms of how I will be judged by others who weren’t in the Biennial. But I guess I just have to find out.

In the meantime I did get a Canada Council grant to make a documentary installation. So that perked me up. And I do have work offers coming in still. And I don’t know if I will make it in the American art world, but also I’m a Canadian Indigenous Artist, and I’ll be around for a while longer in Canada at least.

Ha ha omg this probably sounds so much more personal than people would like. This is a pretty personal blog. I know it’s a big issue and not all about me. But this was how it affected me this last while, and I didn’t want to come back to my overshare blog and not be honest about what was happening for me. And I hope there is a diversity of viewpoints about how this situation played out for everyone. I still feel nervous breaking away from the group to tell the story the way it happened for me, and all the things I was worried and anxious about. But this is my blog and I was avoiding it for like, a damn month, and I guess now you know.

Into the hole

I wrote a post, but I probably put too much personal information in it, so I shut the tab it was in and anyway now I’ve come back to try again. Just stuff that one down into my drafts, never to see the light of day.

It’s Canada Day weekend which doesn’t mean much to me except that I need to avoid going out on Monday when all the drunk white Canadians are roaming this stolen land. Mostly I have gotten away from being targeted for street based racist violence, but I’m not as cocky as a light skinned NDN now that I’ve got Plains Cree facial markings. I don’t think I was ever really cocky about being able to disappear in public, people could clock me for Indigenous if they cared to look closely. Lots of people asked me “what are you” even before I got tattooed on my face. Anyway, still probably gonna stick close to the neighbourhood on Monday. And the dogs hate fireworks anyway.

I felt kind of sad yesterday and today. It was a whole bunch of personal stuff, I don’t know. I’ve got a lot of insecurity I need to work on with my therapist, about love and career and those sorts of things. I don’t really feel like I’m undeserving of good things or anything, I think I just get bummed out when I consider my social status as someone who is gender non-conforming, Indigenous, Queer, Disabled, Fat. Like it’s a lot of things that are very vocally unvalued in contemporary society for it’s own fucked up reasons, and sometimes it gets to me. I know I have some kind of cultural capital as someone with two degrees, and a mostly successful art practice, and having things like stable long term affordable housing is even some kind of advantage in a place like Toronto. I guess I’m still sort of hurt when I get slighted by people who brush me off because I am a lesser person in their eyes by virtue of the identities I carry. I know intellectually that says more about who they are as people/institutions/society, but it still kind of sucks.

I mean there’s really no fixing it except to stop thinking about it I guess. It’s very frustrating. Sometimes I wish I was born into a better more loving world. Instead of this colonial shit.

But I still have my dogs, and I guess I’m healthy, and there are good things happening. Sometimes I feel like I should be further along in life than I am. Like having a partner and a family and be done my first feature already and not have to worry about my finances after October. On the other hand, I have work until mid October, and I get to travel to some places in the next few months. And next winter I’ll get to go to the East Coast a couple of times for work.

I kind of hate too this pressure not to wallow. It’s like I’m not allowed to feel sad about being marginalized in the mainstream society. Like I’m oppressed but I should be fucking happy about it because at least I’m not on the street or something, or still abusing substances to escape reality. Why do we put that on people? This expectation that people should perform happiness and gratitude to mollify any feelings of guilt more privileged people might feel? Like yeah if you have more privilege than me you should be fucking aware of that. Things don’t come as easily to me, I’ve had to work fucking hard to get where I am. And even then people are like “Why don’t you have a partner?” “Why don’t you have a teaching job?” Ugh. Leave me alone. The fact that I didn’t die in my 30’s is like, a mark of success for me.

Anyway. I guess I could talk about career stuff here but I don’t want to today. I’m still doing things, I have a couple articles coming out, something is gonna be in THIS Magazine about my fertility clinic stuff. I’m finishing post on a film. I have two more films to make. I’m waiting to get turned down for a grant. I’m just sort of doing things as much as I can to keep making money and stay relevant. I can have a pissy day. I earned a pissy day!

Mostly I’m feeling okay, I just had a weird couple of days. I’m still taking my meds, I think it’s honestly just my big fat bipolar feelings. They get messy. And people get irritated. And then I get irritated and more messy. And then I’ll go have a nap and be fucking fine in an hour. I really can’t give any specific guarantees on my mood at any point in the day, or how things will affect me. Sometimes something happens and I am like whatever. And then other times I’ll like suddenly remember someone never gave me my favourite book back after borrowing it and I’ll like just spiral into some weird thing.

I have to think about what I am gonna eat for dinner. That would probably be enough to pull me out of this slump. I mean at least the good thing about being manic depressive is that it never stays just one mood forever. I at least have some diversity of madness.

exhausted

So last night I went to bed at 9:23. Like, I’ve been working the last three days in a row, it wasn’t horribly long hours but we were editing a film so it was a lot of cerebral work and like super concentrated. Anyway, I left around 6:30pm yesterday while the editor did some VFX stuff. But I was like, exhausted. And I’ve missed ALL of Pride weekend because I was so tired and yeah… no flirting for me. Which I am bad at anyway so whatever.

Anyway, I thought I’d just sleep early. But it took so long to fall asleep. I think I finally had a short period of light sleep between 1 and 4:30am. And then I got up to pee and I was like “OH SHIT” cause I realized I forgot my night meds. And the fact I even slept for three and a half hours WITHOUT night meds is saying something, because honestly I could have not slept at all. Anyway, took my meds, slept in. Got the producer and editor asking about notes and I was like late responding because I was just waking up around 11:30.

I’m still exhausted, but I do feel better.

Saturday night I had a hard time, everyone was posting Pride pics and videos, I was home totally wiped. And it’s not even like Church street is far from me, it’s literally 14 minutes away by streetcar. But I couldn’t go without energy. And I had major FOMO. Which is hilarious because I don’t even really go to Pride, not into it most of the time. Pride is something different in a place like Saskatoon, it’s still very community based there and means something else. But I never got into big city Prides. I don’t like crowds normally.

Anyway, no Pride for me!

But the work we did this weekend is really good. It’s still a rough cut but working with the editor was amazing.

As I’ve grown older I’ve grown to appreciate editors. All kinds of editors. Magazine editors, script editors, film editors. I’ve felt for so long when I’ve created things I’ve shown it to the wrong people in the process stage. Like friends who just want to say “yeah it’s great!” and I don’t know if they want to keep from hurting my feelings (tbh I am guilty of this too with friends looking for crits) but it’s not very helpful. Like I want to know if something confuses someone, or if something sticks out that doesn’t fit, or things like that. I want to know so I can make my things more awesome. Like I know there’s technical issues with my writing that don’t stand out to me but an editor will catch them. I know if I have been writing a script for too long it stops making sense to me and someone else needs to look at it and be like “I don’t think this character doing this thing makes sense for who she is” or “this scene is coming in at the wrong spot.” And working with a video editor is awesome too because the two editors I’ve worked with the last couple of years are really good at leaving space for beats and breaths, and they spot things that don’t work that I don’t see at all until they fix it and I’m like “ooooh yes better!” Anyway…

It probably sounds weird to be getting older and finally find editors useful. I mean I’m sure they always could have been useful. I’m just doing projects now where I get to work with them more, and it’s really making me hit a higher level, which is nice.

And the editors aren’t close friends, which probably also helps. Cause they don’t worry about my crappy ego and not hurting it even if that means the project suffers. Like I did do film school, I am used to crits. And some crits in film school were really mean, but not many and MOSTLY people just want to help each other out. Like it’s just a mindset thing I think, you need to hear what needs help to make it better.

Anyway, YAY for editors! I wish I had funds to always work with them!

Breaking Hearts And Unaware

Ha ha this a ridiculous post, I just haven’t written in a while.

I have been spending time with an editor for a project and we were having this interesting conversation about romances in our lives, and she said something like “oh you must have broken hearts.” And I was like “No, not really.” But then I’m like geez, maybe I am just SUPER UNAWARE of doing shady heartbreaking shit. I mean breaking hearts is not always shady, sometimes it just happens and you can’t avoid it. Like if you just aren’t interested in someone and they really like you.

It sort of reminds me of this one time I body slammed a white man.

I didn’t mean to. I was walking in a crowd on Robson Street, and I saw him coming, and he was half turned talking to his friend, just walking without looking. I had too many people around me to get out of the way. So I just kept walking and braced myself and totally body slammed him. Like I guess I could have shouted something like “look out!” or “beep beep!” but I am a shy person so honestly body slamming him felt easier than opening my mouth to warn him. He was fine, he bounced off me and kept going. I don’t think he even said “HEY!” he was so surprised I didn’t automatically get out of his way.

Anyway, sometimes breaking hearts is like that, I think. Like you just sigh and have to keep it in motion even though you know you’re gonna hurt someone by not being into them too. And it’s not like people can get their emotions out of the way, so you can’t go like “Look out!” or “beep beep!” and save them. They just have to go home and do the same thing I do when my heart is breaking, write in their diaries and cry a lot. Ugh no one likes that, even if it is some kind of tragic romantic thing to process your feelings. Even if you can be relieved that at least you have the potential to love someone that much.

OR WORSE sometimes you are TOTALLY NUTSO into someone and things just get miscommunicated, or they don’t put enough effort in, and the moment slips through your fingers even if they are also down for it. I feel like that happens with me sometimes. Like I try to be really clear when I am into people, but at a certain point I honestly have to give up for my own dignity. Like it just feels suckass to chase people all the time. I like being met halfway. But honestly if they let it get to that point, they probably aren’t as into me as they would need to be to have a healthy relationship anyway. And I don’t really want to date people who could do without me. Lacklustre feelings are not the ones I want someone to have for me.

ANYWAY point being, I guess I probably have broken hearts, just because life goes that way. It’s funny though cause I really do want to have a long term relationship with someone I can live with and have a family. So like, having people be into me and not feeling it back must look like a waste or something. But I would hate to be with someone who isn’t excited to be with me, and so I don’t want to be with people I’m not excited about either. That’s not fair. And there are so many bad long term relationships where people hang on even when they aren’t in love or being treated well anymore, and I’m just like, not gonna have one of those.

Ha ha Thirza’s theories on love.

BUT I did realize something recently from our conversation today. There’s a weird dynamic that happens if you are a successful person in your career and you date someone who is not also successful at the same level in their career. Not like you need to be in the same line of work, but I’ve been in relationships where I was more successful than my partner, and it breeds resentment, and sort of an unpleasant competitiveness. It can be bad. I am sure not every relationship with differences in success have those problems. But I have had those problems, and it’s depressing when you realize your lover feels threatened because of your career. Like it’s just, ugh. Be happy for me! I want a relationship where someone can tell me some cool thing they are doing and I can be happy for them, and they can be happy for me because I did some other cool thing. I think maybe this is where power couples come from. It just makes sense.

I have been going on dates the last while, but I am still looking for the other half of a grounded power couple I can be in to raise babies with. Who will be interested enough to watch rough cuts of my films, and come with me to premieres, and do whatever interesting exciting thing they love for work. I dunno, maybe they are a lawyer and can bring me to their office Christmas party. Who knows! Ha ha I was gonna write “maybe they are a musician” and then I thought about how much those people tour for their work and I was like NOOOO maybe not. Aww ha ha so of course now it would be hilarious if my future partner is like, taking a break from recording her breakout single, reading this and being all “AWwwww dammit.”

I’m trying to be open to life! I don’t know what’s gonna happen! Maybe my future partner is a nerd with a PhD who teaches string theory, I honestly don’t know! Or maybe she’s a cool PhD who wrote a dissertation on 70’s lesbian communes! I don’t know! Life is always full of surprises.

Hopefully I don’t get body slammed by more heartbreak, but yeah it’s probably coming soon anyway. By accident.

Look out! Beep beep!

Spring Cleaning Times

I am doing my last push of spring cleaning today. Over the last couple of weeks I’ve been doing all kinds of things to make my home better. I did all that cleaning in my bedroom this winter, and most of that is still clean but it could use some going over again in the future. It still looks way better than before, I have a long string of white lights on the wall, some ridiculous Warhol dachshund print, I cleaned off the bedside table and originally it had a plant and crystals, and now it’s got crystals and dicks and play needles and a sharps container and a mini projector. So like, yeah a bit different. The plant got ants which is why it had to go, sad.

I need to tidy my books but MOSTLY they got tidied in the winter and the bookshelves are a bit better.

I have clutter on the entertainment unit and coffee table and bench to clean.

I washed the cushion covers on my couch and my bench, which makes them look almost new except I didn’t wash the GIANT cover on the couch cause it’s so unwieldy. So the arms are still a bit grubby. But overall the couch is great. And the bench was so gross before too cause I eat on it all the time. And yeah, I’m happy about that.

I set up the air conditioner, but honestly it’s not even hot enough to turn it on. I did have it on a couple times but it was just not useful yet.

I cleaned out the sun porch last weekend. I took out recycling, swept, threw out old shit I didn’t need. It’s looking way better, but I almost killed a plant so now there are dead leaves that need sweeping.

Over the winter I upgraded my bathroom so that I have a bidet and a handheld shower head. I haven’t showered much, but the bidet is like so amazing omg. I’m so glad I got it.

I washed the floor today, which I do almost every weekend anyway, but I also put away some stuff so I could wash the floor in the kitchen and by the fridge where the dog bowls are. And I washed under the garbage can. So it’s pretty good in here right now.

I really just have these cluttered spots to deal with, and to take out some more recycling, put away dishes, and clean the bathroom, and then I’m done. I’m so glad. And I’ll probably do deep cleaning a bit more in the future. But this is way way better.

I really like cleaning actually. I think because it’s a visually satisfying thing to do. Like when it’s done you see so many changes, and you feel like you’ve made a difference, and you want people to come over. It’s a really nice feeling.

There’s some fruit flies in here though which makes me think there’s something they are coming from. MYSTERY!

I dunno, what else? I’m mostly stoked about having a clean home again, for a while. I feel like I can have cuties over and not have them be distracted by like, I dunno, a bunch of plastic bags stuck to the floor or something.

ANYWAY I should go push on and finish up here. I’m FINALLY so close to the end of this! Exciting! ALSO I was kind of bummed out because The Distillers was my last concert ticket I’d been anticipating, and now the show is over. BUT now Sleater-Kinney are coming in November so I got a couple tickets and a friend and I are going! So that’s something to look forward to. I really love live music, especially now that I am in Toronto and bands I really like come here on a regular basis.

Ready for Magic

I think I’m ready for more magical things to happen in my life. I feel like I’ve concentrated on my career for so long. I mean I am still going to keep working hard and stuff. But I think I’m ready to feel things like love and desire and so on in a more concrete way. But it’s not even that, it’s more like wanting to feel more connected to nature, and plant life, and that sort of thing. And being open to the mysteries of life.

I quit doing spells this last year because I kind of fucked myself over with a couple of spells that brought in a confusing relationship and then ended it suddenly which I intended but not in a great way. And I just didn’t think I did it right, and I hadn’t intended it to be that person, I didn’t know who it was gonna be but it picked the wrong person, I don’t know. I guess it wasn’t meant to be. I’m trying to be more open to trusting that the universe has something better in mind for me. Like maybe I don’t need to do those sorts of spells that end up hurting everyone involved by accident. Like maybe there is something wiser and older and more experienced that I can trust to be helping me somehow.

I don’t think I need to do love spells anymore. And I haven’t. They always backfired in some spectacular way. I think I’m curious now about who is going to show up for me. My friend has a theory that weird shit happens because of these white women doing witchy spells without knowing what they are conjuring up and in a sense I understand that and think it’s a main reason I’ve been trying to bring my spiritual practices closer to Plains Cree beliefs than Euro-Pagan ones. I’ve got some white sage. But I’ve been reading about how harvesting is endangering it, and how it’s specific to the Indigenous people around that area anyway. So I’m going to be growing some prairie sage plants, and hopefully some sweetgrass too. And I’ve been trying to use sweetgrass more in my smudging. It’s part of my tribe’s medicines so I feel comfortable with it. It doesn’t smell as nice as the white sage but I think that’s just because I got used to white sage and have forgotten my connection with sweetgrass.

I grew up going to sweatlodges a lot as a kid. I was doctored by my Uncle and Auntie when I first started getting depressions. I am not in my territory though, so I’m not sure how to connect with my ceremonies beyond maybe attending some when I go home this summer. I’ve never been great at praying, like I just think good thoughts when I do it but I don’t have like, specific words I say or anything. I dunno, my connection to spirituality is wibbly I guess you could say. I believe in the Plains Cree spirits and beings that I know of. But besides getting messages in dreams, I don’t do a lot of stuff. I suppose I put out offerings though.

I don’t really know what it would look like to be more spiritual in a Cree way without seeing an actual medicine person. I’ve just been smudging and putting tobacco down sometimes. Maybe I should ask my Uncle. It’s not like I don’t know Cree medicine people, they are just far away from me. I’m sure there’s someone in town though, Toronto is huge and there’s Crees everywhere.

I feel like someone is going to love me for the rest of my life. And there is even someone who loves me right now. I’m just trying to figure out my relationship with magic and destiny, and how the Plains Cree worldview ties into all of that. I know who my spirit animal is, I’ve spoken with ancestors in dreams twice in the last few months. I feel like I am safe to explore this. I think Indigenous magic is something we don’t talk about a lot outside of our communities because settlers ridicule us when we do because they are colonizers. OR they try to take it and recreate it without us. It’s very strange.

Anyway, I remember when I was in some really dark periods I felt supported by Plains Cree spiritual beliefs and practices. I just want to get in touch with it again. And not to do some crazy love medicine shit. More to feel aligned with my soul’s purpose.

Indigenize my Garden Patch

Work day today, which was really nice actually. I was reworking a second draft of an article. I feel like I got closer to where I want it, but also added like 300 more words than the initial word count we are aiming for and didn’t want to cut until the editor sees it. Honestly I could write a lot more about it but I know there’s limits to this particular article. I’m liking writing for magazines, I haven’t done a lot until a couple years ago when I started being approached to write for Canadian Art, and then Inuit Art Quarterly, and now another magazine (details to come!). I also have another article I am working on but the deadline is twelve days away. They’d probably like to see a version now tho.

I’ve also got to start working on another draft of my feature. I have an idea for the opening scene that is even more terrifying than the initial opening scene I’ve been using. It’s something I wanted to put in a film years ago, and maybe this is the right one.

It’s a hard day for a lot of people, the MMIWG2S Inquiry report came out. And of course there’s a lot of racism in Canada that’s on display online, so it’s kind of disheartening to see assholes on twitter/comments/etc. People generally in favour of what has happened to women/girls/2S people here, even tho they will pretend it’s just about the terminology used in the report. I’m so sick of Canadians sometimes.

I’m just doing my part by making art that hopefully makes people think. It’s really my only weapon.

I got an email from my webhost that my website is taking too much space on the server and they might cut me off if I don’t upgrade to like, a stand alone server. I’m so reluctant, this didn’t even seem like it was gonna be a big website. I guess 15 years of blogging and google indexing will do that. I’d be annoyed if I didn’t have this site, just because it gives me control over my words and my art practice. Ugh. I hope it doesn’t cost a lot of money.

People have been telling me for years to monetize this blog but nooooo I don’t want to! I always thought of writing this blog as being more of an outlet, like letting steam escape from the pressure cooker that is my brain. I feel like if I tried to put ads on this thing I’d feel interference, or some shit like that. And really this blog does get me work because it’s helped me get those writing gigs, and people can see my videos on this site (some of them anyway), and people contact me for artist talks and stuff.

I really hate living under capitalism. I know it’s falling apart, but not soon enough.

Anyway, I was gonna make sure it’s okay with my neighbour to dig up a lily next to my steps and plant some sweetgrass there instead. I was reading about the rhizomes tho and how they are very aggressive and take over patches of land. And I know it would be great to have a lot of sweetgrass, but also a little embarrassing if my attempt to Indigenize my garden patch ended up choking out her other plants. I guess I could just keep digging out the errant sweetgrass and keeping it in a specific area. I also want to plant some milkweed so that the monarchs have something to eat or whatever they do with it. I’d only grown up in a setting that had white and yellow moths in the summer, so it’s kind of been magical every summer to see the Monarchs come to town. I haven’t seen fireflies in my whole life yet either. It would be nice to see those, I think they are in Ontario.

I might end up growing sage instead though, because I know someone who has some sage seedlings.

It was a beautiful sunny day today. I woke up and went to Pet Valu to buy the pups some wet food. Then Little Mister pouted around because he wanted me to buy him some lamb ears cause the tendon we have is too hard, and so is the yak milk. So I went all the way back to Pet Valu and bought him his damn lamb ears. He’s so funny. Now he’s sleeping against the wall in his favourite spot on the floor. I love him so much, he was being super adorable and cuddly today. And I know my time with him is going to come to an end in the future so I kept stopping work just to kiss his face and cuddle him. Mostly when he wants a cuddle tho it’s a ruse, to get onto the coffee table and look for food.

A Man on a Pony

I’m chilling at home. I’ve been watching Chernobyl and FUCK IT IS SCARY omg. I’m only finished the second episode. But it’s like, so overwhelming to think about. At least episode 2 wasn’t as grisly as Episode 1 where people’s bodies were disintegrating from the radiation.

I was also watching Gentleman Jack and I watched an episode last night and was like “Wait why is she beat up?” “When did her girlfriend go nuts?” “Last time they were just hanging out and she was hitting on her whut whut whut?” Ha ha yeah anyway HBO just automatically plays the most recent episode for you, so I skipped ahead like, three episodes. Missed the courting almost entirely. Total bummer. Gonna have to go back and BE MORE CAREFUL next time when I watch an episode.

That’s a good rule for life really, for me anyway, BE MORE CAREFUL! I’ve found myself sort of crashing through situations and people more recently. And sometimes saying shit when I should just shut up. Like especially around/about cuties. I did have a breakthrough in communicating with someone I am going on dates with tho, because I really realized I FUCKING SUCK at texts/messages/chats. I’m like a million times better at talking with people in real life, face to face. I mean not when there’s a crowd around, but like one on one getting to know people or being cute with them and being able to read their signals goes way better in person than through these fucking texts. Like I have had people tell me in the last year that I am overwhelming in messages/texts, or sometimes I don’t know if someone is happy to hear from me and get worried BECAUSE of those people who told me I was overwhelming them, so then I fuck off and feel shitty about myself and probably make them feel shitty too if they actually did like hearing from me. I’d really just like to go back to talking on the phone honestly, that was a million times better. Or handwritten perfumed letters sent with pressed wildflowers inside delivered by a man on a pony. SOMETHING! Omg I need like, a wax seal or something, with a wiener dog on it.

I mean honestly tho if someone doesn’t want to see me face to face hardly ever that should be enough for me to know not to carry on. Although to be fair one of these people lives far away. Ughhhh.

I DID have my _personals_ ad come out on Instagram tho, which was cute. There were some cuties following me. I’m trying to be open to the future. Who knows what will happen. Maybe I’ll fall in love with someone far away who will send me perfumed letters with pressed wildflowers and four leafed clovers inside. God I love that shit. I used to be like, such a romantic, and now I just feel like I’m looking in the wrong places. Like, maybe play parties and bathhouses are not the right places to look for a wife. Ha ha omg I feel like a butch Carrie Bradshaw writing these sorts of blog posts. I’m sure my career is more interesting than this.

My career is fine. There’s some press coming out now about the Indigenous film program I am in at the Whitney, because you can see it now if you go to Yale Union in Portland Oregon. I got a check from them the other day (obligatory American spelling) with a gerbil and a chinchilla on the stamps, so cute.

I love mail. All my mail is bills and artist fees. The artist fees are lovely, I always love those. But handwritten perfumed letters with pressed wildflowers and four leafed clovers delivered by a man on a pony would be really appreciated.

Been a Long While

I haven’t written here for 8 days, that seems like a long time. Anyway, I don’t really know what to write today. I have some work I need to do and I slept in because I was having an interesting dream about being in a crashing dirigible with my Mom and Steven. And then dreaming of being at this lesbian breakup ceremony/party where one of the people busting up accused an audience member of murdering their love by tempting their partner away from them. And I was just like “Yikes drama” and left the party and woke up.

I’m kind of tired of getting crushes on partnered people. It’s a special kind of hopelessness, even in polya situations, to know that the person you like has already centred someone in their life and there’s never going to be space for you as a serious partner. Ugh fuck so depressing. Even if I am a good catch, that person has already caught someone. And especially not productive when you are someone who has access to affordable housing and wants to move into a larger unit already and have a family. Cause no one wants to do that with someone they see on the side. And also none of these crushes I have had actually want children anyway. Which is also a pretty big issue. And my time is running out for government funded assisted reproduction, because it ends at 43 and I am 41.

I know lots of other people feel pressure to find The One for having a family with. And last year I was all fuck it I’m not gonna wait anymore. But now I’m back to waiting. It’s a weird life.

Anyway I have a fancy film gig I am working on right now but you won’t know what it is for like, another month, when they announce it. Which is fine, I guess. But it’s what I have to work on today. And I got tickets to go see the Distillers tonight, but I’m going alone. Which is whatever. I don’t mind going to concerts alone because it’s fine to watch things like that without someone next to me. But it’s like, maybe not as fun, and I was surprised when I was looking for someone on FB to come with me that none of my friends were interested. I was like omg but it’s the Distillers how can you not be into this? I dunno.

I’m glad that since I have moved to Toronto I have seen a lot of live music. It wasn’t always like this, in Saskatoon I saw a lot of small bands that came through places like Amigos. But like some of the bands I was a super fan of, they wouldn’t really come through. And definitely not bigger musicians like PJ Harvey and Tori Amos. And Janelle Monae.

Anyway I mean overall life is fine. I’m sure that family thing will work out eventually, just probably not with the people I am talking to.

Sober Birthday And Boy Feelings

It’s kind of a strange day today. For one thing, it’s my 7 year Sober Birthday, which is super exciting. I ordered a lemon chiffon cake for myself and ate a slice, gonna slowly work my way through it the next few days. Being sober for seven years is a long time. I didn’t even know I was gonna quit drinking until the day I did quit. I kind of knew it was not going well for me. I’d quit pot like, a few months previously. And I just sort of substituted booze for weed, and it was not a great scene. I’m kind of a messy pukey drunk. So I do blood tests to check my liver because of the medications I am on for bipolar, and during the liver check they said it was kinda fucked and I needed to stop drinking immediately. So I did. I don’t know what made that so easy. I mean I really did “party” hardcore for my whole 20’s and part of my 30’s. And it wasn’t really so fun, more like embarrassing. And dangerous.

I remember when I first got sober and was around drunk people I realized how vulnerable they were for the first time. I mean also they can be very annoying. But there’s something that sort of makes me think of them as large rowdy children and it makes me worry for my friends in altered states. It also made me think about my own history as a drunk stoned person and the situations I would find myself in, some of which were dangerous.

Some things I haven’t been able to figure out as a sober person, and it makes me feel some things. Like, I haven’t kissed anyone these last seven years as a sober person, because I realized I really relied on substances to be brave enough to ask to kiss someone. And sex has been right out. It’s actually been longer than seven years, but the being sober thing complicates all of this. At this point I’m not even sure I will remember how to kiss someone properly, and I remember I was once a really exceptional kisser and I just don’t know if I have that in me yet, or if the first person I kiss will be patient enough not to write me off right away for being rusty. It’s not really like I am saving myself for someone to be with the rest of my life, it’s just that making advances is really complicated. Probably falling in love with unavailable women over and over didn’t help either. Also right now I have Invisaligns and although kissing is supposed to be fine, I’m still self-conscious of it. I don’t really feel undesirable though, that’s not really it. And I don’t feel like “OH GOD I’m never gonna kiss anyone again” cause I know someone wants to kiss me and it’s gonna happen soon. It’s just that the last seven years were filled with hesitation and being drawn to the wrong people, and I guess probably figuring myself out too. I didn’t realize I would want to parent children, for one thing, which changes my long term plans for people.

I’ve gotten sort of better at my career in terms of making things happen. That’s a good feeling. I’ve been slowly getting better at meeting new people. I’m more productive, which sounds like a capitalist trap and maybe it is, but also it feels good being able to create so much more work than I did when I was wasted all the time.

Anyway, it’s been a good seven years of growth. I have a drivers license, live somewhere else, did a degree, had some career achievements. My psychic says the love thing is just gonna take time cause I guess this woman I end up with is someone I meet while traveling, so it’s not even gonna happen here. But I still want to put out the intention of wanting to form a longterm relationship someday.

The boy stuff is sort of always around, and not really related to being sober but was also something I was thinking of today. I’m really reluctant to say I’m not a girl, cause part of me is, I’m genderfluid. I’m not gonna do hormones or surgery and I like she/her pronouns. And I even still ID as a lesbian cause I exclusively date queer women. I like that my skin is really soft even compared to other women, so I don’t want to change that, or get hairy, or lower my voice, or read like a cis man. I like my body basically and don’t have dysphoria. But damn do I feel like a boy. There are some things that all point to me being happy with my gender, but still my gender presentation is fairly masculine. I still do my nails. I have pink hair but it’s short. I’m really contradictory but basically I still like being seen and recognized by femmes who call me handsome or say something about me being a boy while they run their fingernails across my skin. I’m colourful by traditional boy standards, but that’s just who I am.

A while back I saw an article about lesbian boys and I kind of scoffed at it. But now I kind of see their point. It’s a confusing thing. I like all my soft parts. But sex with me is sort of a fluid adventure and even as a bottom it involves sort of taking turns having the dick and stuff, and like treating my body certain ways that to the outside observer might just seem like cis lesbian sex but there’s something just a bit boy about how I like to be treated. I still need to explore it more, and like I said above the last seven years have been solitary. I like having my breasts touched and not every boy is into that. I like being penetrated too. But also there’s some interest in femmes who are fluid with the way they fuck too. And even tho I’m mostly a submissive I still like strapping it on and pleasuring my partners. I’m not sure where this idea that all subs/bottoms do is take and not give comes from. Anyway, ha ha it occurs to me this blog post is mostly about sex as a sober boy than as just being sober and also a boy.

I don’t want to say I’m not a woman though. I think because I’m never gonna have the cis guy experience. And also because I’m not gonna pass as a man. And I don’t want to. BUT DAMN I appreciate when people see the boy in me and recognize it and let me know.