All posts by Thirza Cuthand

Bra Times Again

I am trying to get back into some kind of… I dunno. Feeling of normalcy I guess. I mean I know things aren’t normal. But I used to actually care about my appearance and dress, and it’s just been like, t shirt times for ages. I’m starting to wear button up shirts again when I do certain zoom events. But I am starting to think I might do it more often, just because. Just to feel like I care about myself again.

One way I have started to take care of myself is by wearing a bra again. It probably sounds silly, but I was wearing shirts without a bra for weeks/months, and I have kind of had enough of it. It was nice to feel free for a while. But there’s something that is kind of reassuring about wearing a bra. Especially having larger breasts, even tho it’s winter and I wear a coat outside, without a coat people can see me kind of jiggling and it makes me self conscious. I don’t want to get top surgery. And I like my breasts in particular. But I just feel more secure with a bra.

So strange.

I was talking with my therapist about my loneliness in our last session. I’ve been so strict for so long and other people have been visiting and having fun and I was wondering if I was being too safe. And wondering what damage I was doing to myself by being alone for this long. And she said the thing about trauma is it’s not really something you can process while it’s happening, and we are in a state of collective trauma right now. So I guess I won’t know until later this year when things are better, when most people have their shots. Canada is going to end up going right to September to get people inoculated, so it’s going to take a while.

I think it’s also a really weird time to be having a sexual awakening, when I can’t really do anything about it. Like I feel like all these kinky puzzle pieces are falling into place in my mind and I really want to find another play partner but one who can also have sex with me. And potentially to start a relationship with. And I’m really confused about how to find someone. Like there is porn about the things I like to do, so obviously there is a market of people into these things. And really it’s not outrageous kink stuff, like it’s pretty reasonable raunchy sexy kink. So technically there shouldn’t be such a difficulty finding someone. But I’ve been going about this the wrong way and having more vanilla sex with partners and hoping to angle it more into kinky sex and then it just usually doesn’t get there.

I belong to a BDSM subreddit and I tried to ask a question about how to find appropriate kinky play partners, but the auto moderation kept catching it and I gave up. I tend to be auto moderated out of any posts I’ve made on reddit so mostly I lurk there and it’s kinda frustrating. I know why they make things difficult but really, it’s frustrating.

It’s not even like I could go to a play party and find someone right now, because no one is running play parties (or if they are it’s a fucking bad idea). I mean technically I could make a personals ad and at least start talking to someone. But I feel like it wouldn’t make sense, when we can’t even meet up right now.

Anyway back to the being safe. I am tempted to take risks, BUT the situation is pretty bad right now, and from what I hear hospitals in Ontario are going to have to start making decisions about who to treat and who to turn away as soon as February. Which is really soon. And I am chubby, and Indigenous, and I know I’m not gonna be a high priority on any doctor’s list. Like I just know that. So, I’m in the stage 1 group for the vaccine, so it could be anytime between now and May that I am up to get vaccinated. And like, yes that is a long window of time. BUT in the worst case scenario I just need to hang on to being super strict until May. And yeah I know I gotta wear my mask and stuff for longer, but at least maybe I would go on transit again.

I am gonna wait to make a personal ad until I finish getting vaccinated. Whenever that is. I am thinking a lot about how to word it. Like, my therapist suggested looking for someone into the same kind of sex I am into, and then maybe a relationship will develop or not. And I only one time specifically looked for someone based on a particular kind of sex I wanted at the time, and it didn’t work out but the sex WAS really good. And my non-sexual play partner and I met based on the kind of stuff we both liked, it’s just she is not available as a romantic option, but we do have other things in common. So I know it COULD theoretically work starting with kink and getting to know each other from there.

Anyway, in the meantime I am trying to work on myself so I feel normal again. I was lifting weights but I fucked up my left arm and pulled maybe one or two muscles, so I’ve got to give it a rest for a while. And the bra thing. The bra thing honestly makes me feel better and I don’t know why it just does. I ordered a new nice button up shirt that is pretty cute. I have new suspenders. I’m waiting to get paid out for a grant.

AND that’s not the only exciting stuff, we are also almost done with the short film! I saw the VFX and colour on Friday and it looks amazing. I’m honestly pretty happy with it. We have a deadline this week to submit to a festival. And then the other festivals are gonna need submitting to. So many festivals! I should actually work on a synopsis this weekend. Tonight I hear the sound design. And then… I dunno! And then it gets married to the picture tomorrow and I get to show people. With a password. It’s funny to work for so long on something and then suddenly it’s just done.

I mean it’s not gonna be just done tho, cause then we have a festival run to do, and also because we have to go back and finish the script, and then apply for production funds for the feature this is based on.

I’m really happy with how the vfx and special fx turned out tho. I was a bit worried it could look cheesy, but it turned out awesome.

So many things to think about.

Shots shots shots

Super 8 Shot of old house from Homelands film

I am looking forward to getting vaccinated. I’ve been waiting so long. The Ontario government says Urban Indigenous people in areas like mine that have high COVID rates are supposed to get vaccinated later this January. So of course I started acting like I was gonna become the community fucktoy when all my shots are done and my immune system has kicked in. BUT to be honest that’s probably not a good idea (the community fucktoy part I mean) just because we still have to distance and stuff until the transmissions go down among the population. ALSO even tho I went through a super horny period this last few weeks, I honestly get too up in my emotions when I am having sex with someone to be the community fucktoy. Like I would prefer to be one person’s fucktoy, and I don’t know who that person is.

I know who I wish I could be with but I just feel really lost about hoping for that to happen again. AND also I am having super raunchy fantasies right now, but I still want to be all in love and stuff. Raunchy love. I don’t know why I feel like it can’t happen both ways. Like can someone just spit in my mouth and say I love you to me? It seems so simple when I write it that way.

And yet I know some really intense sexy/kinky stuff can happen with someone who is also respectful and kind because there’s someone I play with who is like that with me (we are not dating tho) so it’s not this totally unreasonable thing to want. And like, ok yeah I could get into all my kinks but they are complicated and there are a lot of them and that’s not even what this post was supposed to be about.

This post was supposed to be about getting vaccinated.

I keep checking online for when it will be my turn to go in and be immunized. But people are worried the vaccines aren’t getting done fast enough, which made ME worried they won’t get to us by January. But who knows. I just have to trust the process I guess.

I want to go home and visit Saskatchewan when I get immunized, because I haven’t been there in well over a year, and I miss my friends and family. And I want to take a few more risks. I mean, I will probably still wear a mask because it makes people feel safer and also because we don’t know if vaccinated people can transmit it still. BUT I would at least start taking transit again. And seeing friends when lockdowns ease up.

I am trying so hard to be careful and I just want to do what I want again. Like, I miss Tinder dates even tho they were kinda getting shitty because of the pandemic. And I think it would be nice to be able to date other vaccinated people. and kiss people again. And see now we are getting back to my crazy fantasy of being the community fucktoy which is definitely preferable as a fantasy for me than reality.

Why did I name this post “Shots Shots Shots” instead of “Community Fucktoy”? To be honest I didn’t see this going this way when I sat down to write this. But I guess it is so I may as well lean into it.

I got a crush on a porn star I have never met this month. Like, I just saw this really hot psych ward role play scene she did and then ended up subscribing to the company she did a lot of work on. And she’s just this super cute super hot tall femme with a really regular body. And pubes which I like. And her breasts are just the usual, but nice, but not like giant or anything. OMFG yes also she has short nails, most of the time. For sure in her lesbian scenes anyway cause she likes fisting. I’ve never actually been a fan of a porn star before. She doesn’t even work in porn anymore, she went off to have a family. But anyway, I realized I really like lesbian FemDom porn, which I mean it’s kinda shitty I never thought to go looking specifically for it since that’s ACTUALLY the kind of sex I like. Mostly I was watching straight porn which is visually interesting and readily available, BUT not as sexy as this stuff I’ve finally started watching.

Also a lot of other lesbian porn I tried to get into was just not kinky enough for me, to be honest.

ALSO this porn star likes to talk a lot while fucking, which is really appealing for me, in real life as well. So it’s nice hearing the things she says. I think I actually learned more about myself by watching a lot of her lesbian scenes. Sometimes she subs too, which is also cute AND ALSO makes me feel toppy.

I think I might be a part time sadist which is INTERESTING because I never thought of myself that way before. But if this year has taught me anything it’s that there is definitely a toppy side to me that I haven’t explored as much as I would like to.

I still need to bottom at least half the time tho.

Anyway, I probably will never meet this porn star, BUT I definitely have more ideas about how I want to have sex in the future. Which is kinda cool. I like having new ideas.

ALSO the porn scenes always have a beginning where they talk with people about what is gonna happen in the scene, and then they have a part after where they debrief and check in. And it’s just really good communication. I’m learning that I need to be more specific about what I want to do, and that I need to just straight up ask if people want to do such and such. Cause I am sure I have been with lovers who are honestly as kinky as me, but we didn’t communicate a lot about it so we didn’t know that we could go there with each other.

That’s kind of an issue with a lot of my past relationships though. I’m getting better at communicating but it’s hard and sometimes it triggers other people, especially things that seem like conflict. And sometimes I get triggered, especially around rejection. I think I have trust issues too. And I need to forgive certain exes. And I AM forgiving certain exes, which is good.

This fall I got a new therapist who has been amazing for me. We talk a lot about my recurring issues with chasing emotionally unavailable women. Because fuck does it ever happen a lot. Anyway, I finally feel like we are getting somewhere. I’m actually deliberately trying not to date because I know I need to work on this stuff. So in a way, waiting to be vaccinated before going on dates again has given me a good window to just work on myself.

And discover new more interesting porn I guess.

plus if I have to wait for other people to be vaccinated too before dating, maybe it will give me an even longer window of just working on myself.

ALSO I have realized even though intellectually I know I am a masochist, I have a hard time putting it into words, and I have a hard time being honest with people that I am looking for a sadist, or that I play with a sadist. It’s so ridiculous, I think it’s just that people have a lot of baggage when it comes to those words. And sadists sound like people who go out non-consensually hurting people BUT THAT’S NOT TRUE. Consent is still all a part of that, or the dynamics I am involved with are consenting anyway. So yeah, I think it’s also related to what I mentioned earlier about feeling like raunchy sex and love can’t go together. Like, I want a sadist who will fall in love with me. But also I guess a switch so that I can be a sadist sometimes. I don’t know why these conversations are so hard for me to have with potential lovers. it’s complicated.

I haven’t talked with my therapist much about my kink issues. But she does know I am looking for a Femme top so I think she is aware, and she is queer also soooooo. yeah. Maybe this is something to bring up in therapy. I think it definitely cockblocks me at times. Like, what if these people I’ve had one night stands with don’t know there are also these dozens of other things I like doing and we just never got around to it, so they think I am terribly vanilla? Or what if they think I must be into poo eating or something super extreme that I am not into, and go “Oh man she’s too much for me.” AHHHHHHH.

Lmao I don’t think poo eating is COVID safe.

I am sorry you were lured to this post with the promise of discussing vaccination.

Prints for Sale!

I got locked out of this site, and kinda got lazy about getting around to getting it fixed. But I am back!
It’s really late at night so I’m actually going to bed. Maybe I will finish writing this in the morning.
Ha ha so a whole day went by and I didn’t get back to this until now.
anyway, I guess things are fine. We are selling a print of COVID 19 #3, a beading my Mom did which is now available as a 7 colour screenprint printed by Michael Peterson. They are $200 each plus shipping but you can also pick up in Saskatoon and Toronto. It’s a limited edition of 50 and 30 have already sold. So please email me at thirzacuthand@gmail.com if you would like one and I can arrange it. It’s raising funds for my short film “kwêskosîw (She Whistles)” which we are trying to finish post on this month.
Here is what it looks like:

Ha ha sheesh the embed code for this is so freaking ugly it’s good you can’t see it.
I feel weird talking about my personal life while also trying to hype up sales of this print. How is my personal life? It’s fine I guess. I mean I often feel like nothing is happening in it, and then I realize I am learning something new every day in my interpersonal sphere. I had a brief sexual awakening for a week which was pretty intense and then I think I just started constantly working again so I couldn’t enjoy it.
I have an hours worth of work tomorrow and then I finally get a break until Monday. I am so stoked. I’ve been working every day for a month, like NO WEEKENDS at all and it was wearing me out.
We also mailed out about 17 prints yesterday and today, so that feels good too, just knowing that Sera-Lys and I can get these prints into the hands of people who bought them to support us. They are really nice prints! I’m getting one framed myself.
The dogs are ok. Little Mister seemed to have a seizure or something, he’s been to the vet and now he’s on a medication for his thyroid. So far so good. We’ll see how he does. He isn’t on metacam anymore either, now he is on gabbies which is funny cause that’s a drug one of my relatives used to use recreationally. But these are such tiny doses and he already adjusted to them.
He’s dirty right now, he dipped his ears in brown bean sauce and I gotta wash him in the morning. Long haired dachshunds get the most messy. I think I have washed Posey like, once in seven years, but Little Mister gets washed every other month or so because he starts collecting blobs of food. Poor kid.
I’m good. I’m very thoughtful of a lot of personal things though, like failed relationships and that kind of thing. It’s ok tho. I will survive.

Productive but Maybe Not For the Important Things

Today I upgraded my Patreon so that I could offer higher tier members merch. I never really thought much before of doing merch, but it’s actually kind of a good idea and I have enough images from my video game and from my videos that it didn’t take TOO long to add something to five different products. So now there is a Less Lethal Fetishes poster (image above!), a hot dog sticker from my video game (image below!) and a Reclamation tote of the lesbian couple in gas masks and a coffee mug with the psychiatrist from my video game. So hopefully people line up! Also offering a shirt at the 30 dollar tier of me and my banana.

Anyway my criticisms of my productivity is of course that yeah I got all this work done this year BUT my script ALSO needs work and attention and I just kind of am lollygagging on that. Apparently I can’t spell lolligagging. Or it’s not a real word. But neither is my name.

Merch is not a real word either.

I’m feeling hypomanic which might look weird cause I’m just laying around. Maybe hypomanic is not the word. Maybe I just have ADHD brain today and things are very busy in there.

I discovered ants are living in my furbo, which is the camera that watches the dogs. I think I might have to chuck it. Ack. The thing is I need to be able to see what the dogs are doing when I am not home. But I’m starting to think it’s not working anymore, PROBABLY because it has ants in it. Yuck. I tried to scoop them out with a paper towel but they are like, deep in there.

It’s the election in the USA tomorrow which I am sure we are all painfully aware of, and probably most people reading this will already know the outcome. Anyway lez hope for the best!

I’m doing ok. I did clean up my apartment more and feel comfortable here again without so much clutter. But the clutter creeps up fast. I gotta figure out a way to keep mice from getting in my dry goods, because the more they can eat my food the less they will eat the poison. But it doesn’t help that the dogs are leaving kibble in their bowl. Those dogs!

I’m learning scrying. I’m kind of all over the place these days but learning scrying has been interesting. I learned so much about tarot the last 18 years and now I need a new thing. So I have these small crystal spheres, and an obsidian ball, and I tended to like the clear quartz sphere the best but I’ve gotten images and impressions from all of them. The obsidian one is really hard to make things out, I need to work with it more. The clear quartz was more open. And the sodalite I tried gave me an accurate prediction about snow falling in the night. But I want more! The obsidian ball was giving me all this sexy romantic stuff and I’m not sure about that. Who knows tho. It’s very hard to tell who people are in the impressions I’m getting. Like I can guess but I am never really sure. And I probably will have sex again someday so that’s not a real amazing prediction.

Ha ha ha slamming the psychic predictions!

I’m thinking of getting into drawing more once this script rewrite is in. I really need to put aside quality time to work on the script. And so many things have distracted me but like this is my DREAM to make a feature and like would open the door to a lot of other things. Like maybe I could do a tv show. Or something.

OH MY GOODNESS yes also Justin Ducharme and Lindsay Nixon and I won the APTN/ImagineNATIVE Web Series Pitch Competition, so we have over $40,000 to make a five part webseries for APTN Lumi. I am excited. That is gonna be a lot of fun.

How can I have a relationship when I am hustling all the time so I don’t ever have to work in a call centre again?

OH MAN I should do a drawing about call centres and post it on my Patreon. Those places are brutal. UGH so soul destroying. Never never never!

Anyway I did post some stuff on Patreon for the beginning of the month so it’s fine if I work on my script, my REAL JOB right now, and then start adding more Patreon content next week.

OH MAN do I need to give myself a deadline? What if I got this script rewrite done for the end of the week? It’s already partially done. And right now I’m just adding some old stuff to the new stuff and then going through and connecting some plot lines to a larger more interesting more neglected plotline. Even if I had to work all weekend, that would be fine.

I’m getting tattooed on Wednesday! Jeremy Hillary Boob PhD! If you know the Yellow Submarine you know the character. I am getting him put on my lower calf.

ANYWAY there’s my blab for right now.

And here is my hotdog! Go support me you can get a sticker and stuff!

Housing Sadness when You Have Stable Housing

I have lived in my apartment for five years. I moved into this co-op a year after moving to Toronto and I have stayed in this one unit ever since. It’s a one bedroom. I have a tiny kitchen, living room, sun porch, bathroom with a clawfoot tub, and a bedroom. No dining room. I’ve known if I got a partner I could move into a two bedroom unit and have way more space. And it’s kind of been gnawing at me, and I think actually if I was just able to move into a larger apartment without needing a partner, I would. Like, I think if I lived somewhere bigger I might not even care so much about getting a partner. I think I would be pretty content with my life.

My Mom has been single for a really long time, and I was always resisting the idea of my life playing out that way. But in a way it honestly kind of has. And yeah blah blah it would be nice to love someone who loves me back.

But I don’t like feeling like my life can’t start until I have a partner. It’s so frustrating, and I think probably off putting to people I want to date.

Also I just feel like society pushes us so hard to be in long term romantic relationships, and mine have never worked out. I mean maybe something could someday. But I’m just tired of waiting and trying.

ANYWAY. Realistically it’s true I can’t move into a larger apartment until I have a partner or something. And I don’t want to live with a friend. But my rent is ridiculously cheap because it’s subsidized housing, so I probably won’t move. SO I have to figure out a way to like where I am living.

I have toyed with the idea of painting my apartment, but I’m worried it will make it seem smaller in here.

There’s piles of assorted junk here and there tho, like by the TV, and in my bedroom by my printer, and in the living room by the lamp. And a pile of books and yoga blocks and things on my bookcase. If I moved those, and cleaned up, maybe I would feel better.

I could try moving furniture around. Not sure if I could really move the living room very much. But I could move my bed around so it’s facing a different direction. I could get rid of garbage stuff like plastic bags in my kitchen that I am not gonna use.

There’s been a portable air conditioner that just sat in the middle of the living room year round. But I found a place to tuck it away when I don’t use it, so I’m happy about that.

I mean the other thing to is to take advantage of the nice weather and start putting things on the curb. I could get rid of so many things. Or also there are also tons of little free libraries around this neighbourhood, so I could be taking out a couple books to give away every time I go out for a while.

I could try that anyway.

I don’t know what else I could do to feel happier here, but getting rid of the clutter would be a major improvement. Plus I wouldn’t feel like such a bachelor.

Questioning Racism and Dating

I am in a mood today. Not a bad mood. Just a feeling overwhelmed by feelings and thoughts mood. Not all bad. Some bad tho. I’m frustrated by feeling like I can’t let this one thing go that happened to me last year. I wish I could. It’s just a stupid girl thing. I can’t even accurately name what it is that makes me so upset about it still.

I think it’s being written off before someone gets to know me. I know I’m a shy reserved person when I first meet people. I don’t come across like a giant personality that’s for sure. So I guess people get to know me in other ways, like this blog or social media. I have trouble even with some friends I’ve known for a while because they seem to do all the talking and not give me much space to talk myself. It’s been a frustrating pattern in a few relationships. There are solid people out there tho, it’s just sometimes louder personalities drown me out.

Anyway, this one person didn’t care about getting to know me, and I dunno, for some reason that just rankled me. Like it’s really just that I think, that she never wanted to get to know me. And that I was ready to fall in love and she just wanted to use me for sex. I wish it didn’t bother me as much as it does. I guess I just feel like if she’d gotten to know me maybe she would have seen I have a lot to offer, and it hurts my feelings that she didn’t care. It’s weird too cause I can have casual sex, maybe not anymore, but I have in the past and it never bothered me like this does. I sometimes wish I never met her. It would have been easier, especially since she hangs out with friends and moved here this year.

And then I am trying to date again and I just don’t want something like this to happen again. And I can’t help it but whenever I get treated as disposable by someone, part of me always asks “Is it because I am Indigenous?” I honestly can’t help it, it’s a question I’ve asked myself a lot about white or white adjacent lovers. Especially when their next partner is white and they give that partner the serious relationship they refused to give me. I don’t want to say “my exes are racist” but I will say the majority of them have been Canadians and Canadians have racism baked into them. Soooooo… yeah. It might be unconscious. But there’s something going on there.

But yeah like if they have that much unconscious racism in them then it’s probably best nothing happened. Not to say this person is racist, or all my exes are racist. It’s just been a super peculiar pattern I’ve seen play out.

It might be that I come across super sexual? I dunno. I’m super into relationships tho. Like I love sex but I prefer all that emotional stuff to happen also. I don’t know it’s probably not me I just date the wrong people.

ANYWAY that’s just a downward spiral I shouldn’t get into. I mean the good point is I finally deleted her number today. It’s probably not even the same number anymore. I think I’m gonna block her too, just because it would be better for me. She wasn’t interested in getting to know me so she won’t even notice, and I won’t have the temptation to creep her profile and hurt myself anymore. Normally I don’t do this with exes, but she and I never had a friendship anyway, so it doesn’t seem like I should bother salvaging anything. And she was only ever a one night stand. I’m still shocked she did that much emotional damage for such a stupid thing.

There is an ex I am on a break with right now. Not like a “we’ll get back together” break, more like a “I wish you stopped telling me about your feelings we shouldn’t talk for a while” break. Like hopefully we will be friends again. I did really like her, she was probably the first date I had who treated me right, but it was so brief. BUT it did show me what I deserve, which was something I was unsure about after that negative experience. I mean in most of my relationships when I’ve told friends about them, they are kind of like “why are you even dating this person?” but with her when I told friends they really honestly liked her a lot and were sad for me when things ended.

Anyway ha ha. I do have good relationships with exes like they generally aren’t terrible people, we just don’t WORK I guess. Plus that question I always ask myself about my perceived value as a racialized person.

But then I also ask myself, why do I date so many white people? Like…I think it’s something I need to interrogate about myself. I’ve been getting more crushes on non-white people these days tho, which to be honest is a relief. But I think I have a date with another white person, though I don’t actually know what she is because we just met. And like, I am also lightskinned but Indigenous. So who knows. I won’t hold it against her tho! I mean really people have all kinds of histories and ideas about life. And like, another person of colour could also be anti-Indigenous, it’s not just a white thing.

There’s someone I casually play with and watch films with, and it’s really interesting because she’s Chinese and I have seen myself put my foot in my mouth so many times with her and I am not gonna really identify her or anything like that but I do notice even hanging out with non-Indigenous POC I realize there’s this huge gap I have in understanding cultures beyond white or Indigenous. And it’s not like they are particularly mysterious, I just never thought about it or something? I don’t know! It’s not like I’ve only had white or Indigenous friends. I sometimes wonder if it’s cause I was raised in Saskatoon when the major ethnicities were white and Indigenous and so I wasn’t exposed to more cultures for a long time. Which is kind of silly because then I spent my 20s in Vancouver where people come from all over.

LIKE OMG I don’t even know how to ask a non-Indigenous POC where their people come from because I know it’s such a bad question to ask “Where are you from” and they answer the obvious answer like “Uhhhh Mississauga?” or something. But like I am genuinely curious to know where people’s ancestors are from and I just don’t know how to ask in a way that isn’t offensive as a white appearing Indigenous person.

Anyway, even tho I probably majorly called out a bunch of white ex lovers in this post, I also know I have a lot of learning to do about all the people who have come to Canada or whose ancestors came here from non-white countries. And I want to date more non-white people, but I also don’t want to fetishize people for not being white. AND ALSO I might have a date with a white person or a light skinned person for sure so like obviously I haven’t shut the door on dating white people.

I just think being Indigenous and white and Canadian has made me see those two polarized groups so much, like that’s just what I know more and I kind of wish it wasn’t. I feel like even tho Canada was touted as this mosaic or whatever, we’ve still largely kept to our own communities and I think it can be detrimental. Like in the prairies there is this major schism between South Asian and First Nations people. And it’s hard to talk about because the accepted racist dichotomy is white/Indigenous, not South Asian/Indigenous. Like we just have a very specific story about how discrimination works in Canada and I don’t think we’ve figured out how to talk about discrimination between BIPOC groups. It’s complex.

ANYWAY now I probably sound like a jerk. It’s not like it’s HARD to learn about cultures I don’t belong to, it’s just that I need to practice it more. I also know there are continents I have never been to and assumed I could never go to because of being queer, but as I get older I am more curious about seeing the world outside of North America and Europe. Like, there is so much world out there. And so many people if I can stop putting my foot in my mouth.

NEW VIDEO GAME!

I’m not really a gamer, but I did finally get into Animal Crossing this summer.

Anyway, in 2016 I started making a video game called A Bipolar Journey. This year I got to revisit it and put on the last two levels that I’d wanted to include for ages. Four years! To be honest most of that time I wasn’t working on it. I would apply for arts grants to work on it, but for some reason I was too intimidated to go back in and relearn how to use Unity, and how to code in C# again. It just seemed like too much for me.

But this year DMG here in Toronto and the Digital Artist in Residence program at Mackenzie Art Gallery helped me finish it.

My goal ALWAYS was to end the story of coming to terms with having bipolar disorder with a level that described what it feels like to go back out into the community and have freedom and also try to stay stable on the meds they give you. So I wanted one pill that brought you up, and one that brought you down. It’s a simplistic look at my bipolar medications (I’m actually on three specifically for my moods, an antidepressant, an antipsychotic, and a mood stabilizer) but I didn’t want to get into having THREE types of meds fall from the sky. Plus I didn’t know what the third would do. So there are two.

Here is the final result!

I originally was gonna use the same bleeps that happen in the first level when antidepressants hit you, but this time around I wanted zaps in honour of the first side effect I ever had from psych meds. Paxil zaps are AWFUL and I don’t even know how to describe them to people who’ve never had them, but they really did suck. My medications now don’t really cause side effects, or if they do I am used to them. I am probably fatter because of them but it’s been almost 20 years and I don’t care so much.

I redid the opener screen for my game too, and renamed it. It is not A Bipolar Journey anymore, now it’s just Bipolar Journey. Why have an A?

I’m pretty happy that I finally finished, AND on time too!

The shoot a couple weekends ago was TOUGH and intense! I don’t really want to talk about it online, but I did learn a whole bunch of stuff which was pretty cool. I also got to work with a full crew for the first time, and driving scenes, and stunts, and pyrotechnics. It was pretty amazing in retrospect, although I remember the last night just being anxious to get through as much of the shot list before dawn. It’s pretty nervewracking when time is tight like that. I don’t know how directors get away with extending shoots into eternity, like those ones where people are supposed to shoot for six weeks and end up doing three months. I guess that’s what money gets you.

BUT we are gonna find an editor and do some amazing work with this amazing footage and I am pretty happy about that.

So far this year I have finished a two channel video installation, a short experimental film, a webseries episode script, a multi level video game, and if things are on track I will be done a feature film script and this dramatic short we shot by the end of this year. Not bad for someone trying to work during a pandemic!

I didn’t get a recent grant I applied for, so I’m a bit leery of my income these next few months. There are two arts councils I can apply to for individual projects, so I am trying to think of something good to apply for. I’ve also managed to qualify for CERB because I did lose income with this pandemic (some of these projects this year were non-paying!) so now that CERB is done I might try to see if I qualify for the next iteration of income support. I also want to get gigs though, but things are really up in the air.

I am wondering if when we can travel again, I can turn more of it down and do online versions instead. I was REALLY wore out from traveling the last couple of years, even tho I went to amazing places, and this respite from getting on planes and being able to stay home has been REALLY NICE. I do still want to travel one day, but the way it was going before was unsustainable for both myself and the environment. So I dunno, I think the arts and entertainment industry needs to take this time to look at the way we treated travel before and how we can limit it in the future. Because it really doesn’t have to be this way.

I’m in the New York Film Festival this year, and all their programs are geolocked to the USA. SO that kinda sucks, but they are giving me an Industry pass so I can see films that AREN’T geolocked.

I’m not sure what I think about geolocking. I understand the impulse, wanting to keep film festivals local and stuff. But at the same time some of these film festivals are international, and yet the international artists showing in them can’t watch from overseas/over borders. I imagine it’s probably about wanting to limit the number of people logging on to watch something. But then why not sell limited tickets?

Anyway, that is a larger question for film fests and filmmakers these days to grapple with.

I am pretty happy these days, which is good. I was wore out from the shoot, but seeing the footage and then going back to my video game has made me feel creative again, which is nice.

ALSO the short film is based on the feature I am writing. And seeing the actress embody that role made me see my lead character in a more emotionally full way. I don’t know, for some reason at some point I just started writing this character like she was basically constantly dissociated. But I don’t see her that way anymore. So that was cool to realize.

What else? Eh, I have a fun crush right now, but it’s not going anywhere. I always have crushes tho. I do feel like I am ready to fall in love though, like the way I felt last fall before I got my heart stomped on. Like I am ready! I am there! I’m picky though. And a little timid sometimes too.

First Big Shoot!

Usually I read the last post I wrote before I write a new one. But I remember I was feeling maudlin in my last post and I don’t want that energy right now.

SO ANYWAY!

I’ve been working on this feature film project for a long time, and earlier this year we got production funds to make a calling card short based on the feature. Which is a chance for me to get actual directing experience and like, basically a dress rehearsal for me directing a feature on my own. Because I’ve made films VERY differently so far. Like usually I am my own crew, I shoot my own stuff, I make experimental stuff, my actors are friends, etc. Just low/no budget experimental videos really, and the odd larger budget doc. SO I am making a short drama with actual Actra actors. And we have a real crew, like the whole big thing. There are various producers and co-producers. It’s been really exciting and challenging but an amazing experience. So far it’s all been preproduction, but tomorrow we actually shoot!

Today we had stunt rehearsal which is like, the big tough fight scene. It went really well. I felt good about it. I think the actors did an amazing job as did the stunt coordinator. And there’s been people spending a lot of time on this which is great.

I haven’t had time to play Animal Crossing for a week tho, it’s just been constantly working. I’m finally taking it easy tonight in between answering emails about the production. I’m gonna stay up late and sleep in tomorrow because both nights we shoot we shoot from like, dusk to dawn. So it’s gonna be pretty heavy. PLUS there might be a thunderstorm tomorrow.

There’s been so many details to work out and a lot to think about. And a lot of communication and forgetting to communicate sometimes. And I’m learning things the actors need in a script that just seemed obvious to me but AREN’T because they aren’t written down. So that’s interesting. The script is basically a living document. I think we’ve finally finalized it tho, there’s nothing changing anymore, until we go and edit. I’ve been sending so many versions when things change and I’m sure everyone is tired of it. BUT hopefully everyone has it now.

I’m feeling more confident about directing now that the rehearsal is over. It seems easy for me to talk about beats or what the characters are feeling or thinking. And I think the actors are great!

So tomorrow we just add ALL the equipment and ALL the crew and we make a film! While staying up allllllll night! And then do it again on Saturday and then Sunday morning we wrap and all go home and sleep.

It’s pretty ambitious, because there’s a car scene on the first night, and a fight/pyrotechnics thing on the second night. We get to “burn” a dummy called Mr. Crispy. And a fake arm. And have flame bars! It’s gonna be cool! SO COOL. I’m excited!

I’m feeling really lucky to be making something like this. I know people are always telling me to just make experimental films forever and not do Industry shit. Which is kind of a shitty thing to hear. Cause as much as I like experimental films, I ALSO want to make drama and some day comedies that are more Industry. And also I’ve been working on a feature for years and I want to direct it. And also I am constantly getting new ideas to make films about, and not all of them are well served by experimental film. Some of them need huge crews and real actors and stuff. And yeah I will probably always pop off some experimental films. I got convinced by a friend to make an experimental Super 8 to submit to a festival this fall and that’s just gonna be a short fun thing.

That’s right! I just bought a Nizo Super 8 camera in MINT condition from some person in Germany. I’m pretty stoked about that too. I ordered six rolls of super 8 for it too so I have all that to play with these next few months. When Quarantine starts again.

We are also being careful about COVID on our set. I got a test the other day, came back negative! I took a COVID safe sets certificate thingy. We have to distance and when we can’t we are wearing PPE. There’s rules around how the actors have to do things. It’s tricky!

BUT people think a second wave is coming this fall, so I really just want to get this shot before we have to shut things down again. PLUS a fight scene outdoors, hopefully weather permitting it will be warmish on Saturday night for our fight scene.

ANYWAY I got distracted so I should finish this post now. YEAH things are exciting right now!

Love Life after No Eggs

So I’ve been thinking what to write about here. And I think there was this pressure I felt under for a few years with biology and when can I fertilize these eggs and who is gonna carry them and there’s only so many years until I can’t do this. And then that choice got totally taken away this summer and I’ve just been like, hmm. Interesting.

I think it is changing how I am seeing dating for one thing. Like before I felt like “I must find the mother of my children like RIGHT NOW before it’s too late!” And since all this happened I’ve been looking into adoption which has NO age limit. And that really changes things. Cause it could be years before I find the right person and like yeah it’s not ideal to have small children when I am 50 but also maybe I don’t have a choice about that. Anyway, I am trying to put aside making a family and focus more on falling in love with someone. Cause I have very little control over things right now.

I do want to settle down. But like, most of my relationships expire after two months so I don’t really know what to do about that. Is it who I’ve been choosing? Do I need to get off Tinder? I feel kind of alienated from love just because of my previous life history, which isn’t a great feeling to take into new relationships. I think there’s just been this ongoing feeling of unrequited love that has dogged me for years and it’s like, ew. Gross. I mean there was someone I love who still says I love you to me, we just didn’t work out. But most relationships, I dunno. I mean the thing is most relationships weren’t even really relationships. They were more like one or two night stands. Which is really fucking boring sex cause I like like 100 ways of fucking but in one or two nights you can only get through like, four or five ways. And then also just having someone being emotionally present, like that would be nice. Also I haven’t cum with a partner until like, very recently and that was a Skype date. I’m just someone who needs time with someone before I can be fully there. So that’s also frustrating.

I dunno. It’s also the worst time to date because of COVID. Like normally I’d be going on a bunch of first dates (and I rarely get second dates cause I’m too shy) but now it’s not really safe to spend time with a bunch of different people. So I do have a hang out with someone cute coming up, like it’s not all doomy around here. But it’s just changed things a lot. I feel sometimes like dating is a numbers game and you just have to meet a bunch of people until you find someone with a spark. But now I can’t do that. I dunno it’s weird.

And then I find I have unresolved emotions about past lovers that really need to be felt so they can get put behind me. Like, one of them didn’t want to get to know me, and it hurt, and I’m still trying to understand that so I can get over it. And I can’t understand it, she just wasn’t interested in knowing me so there’s nothing that would make her miss me or want to be with me. I’m literally just someone famous she had sex with in a sleazy hotel. And I know cause I’ve heard stories from friends about famous people they fucked that it’s not like they were really interested in getting to know those people either, they are kind of just a good story for later. So it’s weird being that person for someone. I’m sure she doesn’t even talk about me though. And it’s also awkward because we have some of the same friends. So now I feel weird being around those friends.

Very strange.

And then there’s just other random heartbreaks that have happened with other people and I can kind of understand that Spotless Sunshine Mind thing because I almost wonder if it’s better to have that zapped out of your mind so you don’t still try to send them texts to see how they are doing. But then there are good things about having been with those people too. I don’t know. I have friends who will delete all the photos and all the numbers and block them on all social media and I’m just not one of those people. But would it be better if I was? I don’t know.

I’m glad I’m off substances. This seems like the kind of maudlin train of thought that would have lead me to drinking a six pack and smoking so much weed I couldn’t move. Oh man. Today I had a sense memory of smoking cigarettes while drinking coffee and then I’ve just been trained so much by all the concurrent disorders groups I went to to “play the tape to the end” and then I’m remembering my desk with an overflowing ashtray and the haze of smoke and the yellow stains of nicotine everywhere. Oh man gross!

If I can think that way about physical addictions, I don’t know why I can’t start thinking that way about my romantic failures. Like, yeah that person didn’t want to get to know me. But also she was threatened by me being honest about being hurt by something, and that’s not the kind of person who is safe for someone with a mood disorder to date. Like just think about that, that is such a logical reason to move on. I don’t know why I end up making it all complicated.

I think another thing is not being loved by someone who DID get to know me really well. I feel like a little kid being like “But I’m loveable, I don’t understand why you don’t feel this too.” I mean I can’t MAKE people say I love you or anything. And maybe she just doesn’t say that to exes. Like what am I trying to prove? I am still loveable whether she felt it or not.

It is also weird going through all these thoughts and trying to be open to new romance cause I’ve felt like people don’t understand that I could be sad about an ex but still very much capable of falling in love with them wholeheartedly. Like these are not BRAND NEW heartbreaks. They’re just old shit I am writing about so I can work through it and move on.

OH GOD but writing this post about looking for love again makes me cringe too cause I can hear all the unsolicited advice I am going to receive like “You have to stop looking and then you’ll find it!” First of all shut up. That’s the worst advice! I’m 42, I’ve tried not looking, I’ve tried dating apps, I’ve tried looking for people in real life, like I just don’t think someone can give me advice that is gonna work. And I’m not looking for advice either. I’m just writing a post about my complicated emotions these days. Unsolicited advice is the bane of my existence. And it’s also really patronizing for me to hear and makes me feel like you think I’m an idiot.

I was trying to talk about a break up a few months ago with a friend and she started giving me unsolicited advice and I told her I didn’t want it and then she told me I couldn’t talk about my break up then. So I stopped talking to her. I mean we’ve talked since, but I know I can’t process my feelings with her anymore.

Most of the time I just write through stuff here. I’ve avoided it recently because I didn’t know what to say. And because my career is taking off so people are coming here more for my film stuff. And this experimental blog is like, kind of treated in a weird way by people when they find it. Like, some people think I’m gonna tell all their secrets on it or something, even tho I’ve tried to keep it very naval gazey.

There is a lot of really interesting stuff going on in my career but it seems like a bad move to tack it onto the end of this complicated emotions post. Maybe I will post career stuff later.

And then there were none…

Ugh I’ve been dreading writing this post on here cause I feel like I need to update the embryos situation. I mean because I have been so open about it.

SO I got my eggs fertilized, and basically they were growing until they stopped. They didn’t get to blasts. Which means they didn’t work. Which is sad. So I’m not trying again. It was thousands of dollars to just do the one cycle, and I’m not so wealthy that I can keep doing it. So I’ve been absorbing it for a while now, the ramifications. If they had worked I still would have needed to find a surrogate, which is complicated and expensive. And so now I don’t have to.

I signed up for a webinar to find out about the adoption process in Ontario later this month. I’m relieved that there ISN’T an age limit here on adoption. It gives me more time than the surrogate option would have.

But mostly I’m just trying to let this redirect me in another way children might come into my life. I’m trying to be open minded. It might be totally different than I expected.

ALSO I’m kind of glad I’ll have space and room to form a healthy romantic relationship with someone before bringing children into the mix, or without pushing my ideas of how I want to bring them into our relationship. Like, maybe we can have a solid two years together before adopting someone, which would be nice. It would be nice to have that space to grow together without the pressure of a biological clock. Or who knows maybe I will end up dating someone who is a parent.

Lol someone left a whole message on this site just to tell me I was a bad speller today I deleted it but I was thinking wow fuck you.