All posts by Thirza Cuthand

Housing Sadness when You Have Stable Housing

I have lived in my apartment for five years. I moved into this co-op a year after moving to Toronto and I have stayed in this one unit ever since. It’s a one bedroom. I have a tiny kitchen, living room, sun porch, bathroom with a clawfoot tub, and a bedroom. No dining room. I’ve known if I got a partner I could move into a two bedroom unit and have way more space. And it’s kind of been gnawing at me, and I think actually if I was just able to move into a larger apartment without needing a partner, I would. Like, I think if I lived somewhere bigger I might not even care so much about getting a partner. I think I would be pretty content with my life.

My Mom has been single for a really long time, and I was always resisting the idea of my life playing out that way. But in a way it honestly kind of has. And yeah blah blah it would be nice to love someone who loves me back.

But I don’t like feeling like my life can’t start until I have a partner. It’s so frustrating, and I think probably off putting to people I want to date.

Also I just feel like society pushes us so hard to be in long term romantic relationships, and mine have never worked out. I mean maybe something could someday. But I’m just tired of waiting and trying.

ANYWAY. Realistically it’s true I can’t move into a larger apartment until I have a partner or something. And I don’t want to live with a friend. But my rent is ridiculously cheap because it’s subsidized housing, so I probably won’t move. SO I have to figure out a way to like where I am living.

I have toyed with the idea of painting my apartment, but I’m worried it will make it seem smaller in here.

There’s piles of assorted junk here and there tho, like by the TV, and in my bedroom by my printer, and in the living room by the lamp. And a pile of books and yoga blocks and things on my bookcase. If I moved those, and cleaned up, maybe I would feel better.

I could try moving furniture around. Not sure if I could really move the living room very much. But I could move my bed around so it’s facing a different direction. I could get rid of garbage stuff like plastic bags in my kitchen that I am not gonna use.

There’s been a portable air conditioner that just sat in the middle of the living room year round. But I found a place to tuck it away when I don’t use it, so I’m happy about that.

I mean the other thing to is to take advantage of the nice weather and start putting things on the curb. I could get rid of so many things. Or also there are also tons of little free libraries around this neighbourhood, so I could be taking out a couple books to give away every time I go out for a while.

I could try that anyway.

I don’t know what else I could do to feel happier here, but getting rid of the clutter would be a major improvement. Plus I wouldn’t feel like such a bachelor.

Questioning Racism and Dating

I am in a mood today. Not a bad mood. Just a feeling overwhelmed by feelings and thoughts mood. Not all bad. Some bad tho. I’m frustrated by feeling like I can’t let this one thing go that happened to me last year. I wish I could. It’s just a stupid girl thing. I can’t even accurately name what it is that makes me so upset about it still.

I think it’s being written off before someone gets to know me. I know I’m a shy reserved person when I first meet people. I don’t come across like a giant personality that’s for sure. So I guess people get to know me in other ways, like this blog or social media. I have trouble even with some friends I’ve known for a while because they seem to do all the talking and not give me much space to talk myself. It’s been a frustrating pattern in a few relationships. There are solid people out there tho, it’s just sometimes louder personalities drown me out.

Anyway, this one person didn’t care about getting to know me, and I dunno, for some reason that just rankled me. Like it’s really just that I think, that she never wanted to get to know me. And that I was ready to fall in love and she just wanted to use me for sex. I wish it didn’t bother me as much as it does. I guess I just feel like if she’d gotten to know me maybe she would have seen I have a lot to offer, and it hurts my feelings that she didn’t care. It’s weird too cause I can have casual sex, maybe not anymore, but I have in the past and it never bothered me like this does. I sometimes wish I never met her. It would have been easier, especially since she hangs out with friends and moved here this year.

And then I am trying to date again and I just don’t want something like this to happen again. And I can’t help it but whenever I get treated as disposable by someone, part of me always asks “Is it because I am Indigenous?” I honestly can’t help it, it’s a question I’ve asked myself a lot about white or white adjacent lovers. Especially when their next partner is white and they give that partner the serious relationship they refused to give me. I don’t want to say “my exes are racist” but I will say the majority of them have been Canadians and Canadians have racism baked into them. Soooooo… yeah. It might be unconscious. But there’s something going on there.

But yeah like if they have that much unconscious racism in them then it’s probably best nothing happened. Not to say this person is racist, or all my exes are racist. It’s just been a super peculiar pattern I’ve seen play out.

It might be that I come across super sexual? I dunno. I’m super into relationships tho. Like I love sex but I prefer all that emotional stuff to happen also. I don’t know it’s probably not me I just date the wrong people.

ANYWAY that’s just a downward spiral I shouldn’t get into. I mean the good point is I finally deleted her number today. It’s probably not even the same number anymore. I think I’m gonna block her too, just because it would be better for me. She wasn’t interested in getting to know me so she won’t even notice, and I won’t have the temptation to creep her profile and hurt myself anymore. Normally I don’t do this with exes, but she and I never had a friendship anyway, so it doesn’t seem like I should bother salvaging anything. And she was only ever a one night stand. I’m still shocked she did that much emotional damage for such a stupid thing.

There is an ex I am on a break with right now. Not like a “we’ll get back together” break, more like a “I wish you stopped telling me about your feelings we shouldn’t talk for a while” break. Like hopefully we will be friends again. I did really like her, she was probably the first date I had who treated me right, but it was so brief. BUT it did show me what I deserve, which was something I was unsure about after that negative experience. I mean in most of my relationships when I’ve told friends about them, they are kind of like “why are you even dating this person?” but with her when I told friends they really honestly liked her a lot and were sad for me when things ended.

Anyway ha ha. I do have good relationships with exes like they generally aren’t terrible people, we just don’t WORK I guess. Plus that question I always ask myself about my perceived value as a racialized person.

But then I also ask myself, why do I date so many white people? Like…I think it’s something I need to interrogate about myself. I’ve been getting more crushes on non-white people these days tho, which to be honest is a relief. But I think I have a date with another white person, though I don’t actually know what she is because we just met. And like, I am also lightskinned but Indigenous. So who knows. I won’t hold it against her tho! I mean really people have all kinds of histories and ideas about life. And like, another person of colour could also be anti-Indigenous, it’s not just a white thing.

There’s someone I casually play with and watch films with, and it’s really interesting because she’s Chinese and I have seen myself put my foot in my mouth so many times with her and I am not gonna really identify her or anything like that but I do notice even hanging out with non-Indigenous POC I realize there’s this huge gap I have in understanding cultures beyond white or Indigenous. And it’s not like they are particularly mysterious, I just never thought about it or something? I don’t know! It’s not like I’ve only had white or Indigenous friends. I sometimes wonder if it’s cause I was raised in Saskatoon when the major ethnicities were white and Indigenous and so I wasn’t exposed to more cultures for a long time. Which is kind of silly because then I spent my 20s in Vancouver where people come from all over.

LIKE OMG I don’t even know how to ask a non-Indigenous POC where their people come from because I know it’s such a bad question to ask “Where are you from” and they answer the obvious answer like “Uhhhh Mississauga?” or something. But like I am genuinely curious to know where people’s ancestors are from and I just don’t know how to ask in a way that isn’t offensive as a white appearing Indigenous person.

Anyway, even tho I probably majorly called out a bunch of white ex lovers in this post, I also know I have a lot of learning to do about all the people who have come to Canada or whose ancestors came here from non-white countries. And I want to date more non-white people, but I also don’t want to fetishize people for not being white. AND ALSO I might have a date with a white person or a light skinned person for sure so like obviously I haven’t shut the door on dating white people.

I just think being Indigenous and white and Canadian has made me see those two polarized groups so much, like that’s just what I know more and I kind of wish it wasn’t. I feel like even tho Canada was touted as this mosaic or whatever, we’ve still largely kept to our own communities and I think it can be detrimental. Like in the prairies there is this major schism between South Asian and First Nations people. And it’s hard to talk about because the accepted racist dichotomy is white/Indigenous, not South Asian/Indigenous. Like we just have a very specific story about how discrimination works in Canada and I don’t think we’ve figured out how to talk about discrimination between BIPOC groups. It’s complex.

ANYWAY now I probably sound like a jerk. It’s not like it’s HARD to learn about cultures I don’t belong to, it’s just that I need to practice it more. I also know there are continents I have never been to and assumed I could never go to because of being queer, but as I get older I am more curious about seeing the world outside of North America and Europe. Like, there is so much world out there. And so many people if I can stop putting my foot in my mouth.

NEW VIDEO GAME!

I’m not really a gamer, but I did finally get into Animal Crossing this summer.

Anyway, in 2016 I started making a video game called A Bipolar Journey. This year I got to revisit it and put on the last two levels that I’d wanted to include for ages. Four years! To be honest most of that time I wasn’t working on it. I would apply for arts grants to work on it, but for some reason I was too intimidated to go back in and relearn how to use Unity, and how to code in C# again. It just seemed like too much for me.

But this year DMG here in Toronto and the Digital Artist in Residence program at Mackenzie Art Gallery helped me finish it.

My goal ALWAYS was to end the story of coming to terms with having bipolar disorder with a level that described what it feels like to go back out into the community and have freedom and also try to stay stable on the meds they give you. So I wanted one pill that brought you up, and one that brought you down. It’s a simplistic look at my bipolar medications (I’m actually on three specifically for my moods, an antidepressant, an antipsychotic, and a mood stabilizer) but I didn’t want to get into having THREE types of meds fall from the sky. Plus I didn’t know what the third would do. So there are two.

Here is the final result!

I originally was gonna use the same bleeps that happen in the first level when antidepressants hit you, but this time around I wanted zaps in honour of the first side effect I ever had from psych meds. Paxil zaps are AWFUL and I don’t even know how to describe them to people who’ve never had them, but they really did suck. My medications now don’t really cause side effects, or if they do I am used to them. I am probably fatter because of them but it’s been almost 20 years and I don’t care so much.

I redid the opener screen for my game too, and renamed it. It is not A Bipolar Journey anymore, now it’s just Bipolar Journey. Why have an A?

I’m pretty happy that I finally finished, AND on time too!

The shoot a couple weekends ago was TOUGH and intense! I don’t really want to talk about it online, but I did learn a whole bunch of stuff which was pretty cool. I also got to work with a full crew for the first time, and driving scenes, and stunts, and pyrotechnics. It was pretty amazing in retrospect, although I remember the last night just being anxious to get through as much of the shot list before dawn. It’s pretty nervewracking when time is tight like that. I don’t know how directors get away with extending shoots into eternity, like those ones where people are supposed to shoot for six weeks and end up doing three months. I guess that’s what money gets you.

BUT we are gonna find an editor and do some amazing work with this amazing footage and I am pretty happy about that.

So far this year I have finished a two channel video installation, a short experimental film, a webseries episode script, a multi level video game, and if things are on track I will be done a feature film script and this dramatic short we shot by the end of this year. Not bad for someone trying to work during a pandemic!

I didn’t get a recent grant I applied for, so I’m a bit leery of my income these next few months. There are two arts councils I can apply to for individual projects, so I am trying to think of something good to apply for. I’ve also managed to qualify for CERB because I did lose income with this pandemic (some of these projects this year were non-paying!) so now that CERB is done I might try to see if I qualify for the next iteration of income support. I also want to get gigs though, but things are really up in the air.

I am wondering if when we can travel again, I can turn more of it down and do online versions instead. I was REALLY wore out from traveling the last couple of years, even tho I went to amazing places, and this respite from getting on planes and being able to stay home has been REALLY NICE. I do still want to travel one day, but the way it was going before was unsustainable for both myself and the environment. So I dunno, I think the arts and entertainment industry needs to take this time to look at the way we treated travel before and how we can limit it in the future. Because it really doesn’t have to be this way.

I’m in the New York Film Festival this year, and all their programs are geolocked to the USA. SO that kinda sucks, but they are giving me an Industry pass so I can see films that AREN’T geolocked.

I’m not sure what I think about geolocking. I understand the impulse, wanting to keep film festivals local and stuff. But at the same time some of these film festivals are international, and yet the international artists showing in them can’t watch from overseas/over borders. I imagine it’s probably about wanting to limit the number of people logging on to watch something. But then why not sell limited tickets?

Anyway, that is a larger question for film fests and filmmakers these days to grapple with.

I am pretty happy these days, which is good. I was wore out from the shoot, but seeing the footage and then going back to my video game has made me feel creative again, which is nice.

ALSO the short film is based on the feature I am writing. And seeing the actress embody that role made me see my lead character in a more emotionally full way. I don’t know, for some reason at some point I just started writing this character like she was basically constantly dissociated. But I don’t see her that way anymore. So that was cool to realize.

What else? Eh, I have a fun crush right now, but it’s not going anywhere. I always have crushes tho. I do feel like I am ready to fall in love though, like the way I felt last fall before I got my heart stomped on. Like I am ready! I am there! I’m picky though. And a little timid sometimes too.

First Big Shoot!

Usually I read the last post I wrote before I write a new one. But I remember I was feeling maudlin in my last post and I don’t want that energy right now.

SO ANYWAY!

I’ve been working on this feature film project for a long time, and earlier this year we got production funds to make a calling card short based on the feature. Which is a chance for me to get actual directing experience and like, basically a dress rehearsal for me directing a feature on my own. Because I’ve made films VERY differently so far. Like usually I am my own crew, I shoot my own stuff, I make experimental stuff, my actors are friends, etc. Just low/no budget experimental videos really, and the odd larger budget doc. SO I am making a short drama with actual Actra actors. And we have a real crew, like the whole big thing. There are various producers and co-producers. It’s been really exciting and challenging but an amazing experience. So far it’s all been preproduction, but tomorrow we actually shoot!

Today we had stunt rehearsal which is like, the big tough fight scene. It went really well. I felt good about it. I think the actors did an amazing job as did the stunt coordinator. And there’s been people spending a lot of time on this which is great.

I haven’t had time to play Animal Crossing for a week tho, it’s just been constantly working. I’m finally taking it easy tonight in between answering emails about the production. I’m gonna stay up late and sleep in tomorrow because both nights we shoot we shoot from like, dusk to dawn. So it’s gonna be pretty heavy. PLUS there might be a thunderstorm tomorrow.

There’s been so many details to work out and a lot to think about. And a lot of communication and forgetting to communicate sometimes. And I’m learning things the actors need in a script that just seemed obvious to me but AREN’T because they aren’t written down. So that’s interesting. The script is basically a living document. I think we’ve finally finalized it tho, there’s nothing changing anymore, until we go and edit. I’ve been sending so many versions when things change and I’m sure everyone is tired of it. BUT hopefully everyone has it now.

I’m feeling more confident about directing now that the rehearsal is over. It seems easy for me to talk about beats or what the characters are feeling or thinking. And I think the actors are great!

So tomorrow we just add ALL the equipment and ALL the crew and we make a film! While staying up allllllll night! And then do it again on Saturday and then Sunday morning we wrap and all go home and sleep.

It’s pretty ambitious, because there’s a car scene on the first night, and a fight/pyrotechnics thing on the second night. We get to “burn” a dummy called Mr. Crispy. And a fake arm. And have flame bars! It’s gonna be cool! SO COOL. I’m excited!

I’m feeling really lucky to be making something like this. I know people are always telling me to just make experimental films forever and not do Industry shit. Which is kind of a shitty thing to hear. Cause as much as I like experimental films, I ALSO want to make drama and some day comedies that are more Industry. And also I’ve been working on a feature for years and I want to direct it. And also I am constantly getting new ideas to make films about, and not all of them are well served by experimental film. Some of them need huge crews and real actors and stuff. And yeah I will probably always pop off some experimental films. I got convinced by a friend to make an experimental Super 8 to submit to a festival this fall and that’s just gonna be a short fun thing.

That’s right! I just bought a Nizo Super 8 camera in MINT condition from some person in Germany. I’m pretty stoked about that too. I ordered six rolls of super 8 for it too so I have all that to play with these next few months. When Quarantine starts again.

We are also being careful about COVID on our set. I got a test the other day, came back negative! I took a COVID safe sets certificate thingy. We have to distance and when we can’t we are wearing PPE. There’s rules around how the actors have to do things. It’s tricky!

BUT people think a second wave is coming this fall, so I really just want to get this shot before we have to shut things down again. PLUS a fight scene outdoors, hopefully weather permitting it will be warmish on Saturday night for our fight scene.

ANYWAY I got distracted so I should finish this post now. YEAH things are exciting right now!

Love Life after No Eggs

So I’ve been thinking what to write about here. And I think there was this pressure I felt under for a few years with biology and when can I fertilize these eggs and who is gonna carry them and there’s only so many years until I can’t do this. And then that choice got totally taken away this summer and I’ve just been like, hmm. Interesting.

I think it is changing how I am seeing dating for one thing. Like before I felt like “I must find the mother of my children like RIGHT NOW before it’s too late!” And since all this happened I’ve been looking into adoption which has NO age limit. And that really changes things. Cause it could be years before I find the right person and like yeah it’s not ideal to have small children when I am 50 but also maybe I don’t have a choice about that. Anyway, I am trying to put aside making a family and focus more on falling in love with someone. Cause I have very little control over things right now.

I do want to settle down. But like, most of my relationships expire after two months so I don’t really know what to do about that. Is it who I’ve been choosing? Do I need to get off Tinder? I feel kind of alienated from love just because of my previous life history, which isn’t a great feeling to take into new relationships. I think there’s just been this ongoing feeling of unrequited love that has dogged me for years and it’s like, ew. Gross. I mean there was someone I love who still says I love you to me, we just didn’t work out. But most relationships, I dunno. I mean the thing is most relationships weren’t even really relationships. They were more like one or two night stands. Which is really fucking boring sex cause I like like 100 ways of fucking but in one or two nights you can only get through like, four or five ways. And then also just having someone being emotionally present, like that would be nice. Also I haven’t cum with a partner until like, very recently and that was a Skype date. I’m just someone who needs time with someone before I can be fully there. So that’s also frustrating.

I dunno. It’s also the worst time to date because of COVID. Like normally I’d be going on a bunch of first dates (and I rarely get second dates cause I’m too shy) but now it’s not really safe to spend time with a bunch of different people. So I do have a hang out with someone cute coming up, like it’s not all doomy around here. But it’s just changed things a lot. I feel sometimes like dating is a numbers game and you just have to meet a bunch of people until you find someone with a spark. But now I can’t do that. I dunno it’s weird.

And then I find I have unresolved emotions about past lovers that really need to be felt so they can get put behind me. Like, one of them didn’t want to get to know me, and it hurt, and I’m still trying to understand that so I can get over it. And I can’t understand it, she just wasn’t interested in knowing me so there’s nothing that would make her miss me or want to be with me. I’m literally just someone famous she had sex with in a sleazy hotel. And I know cause I’ve heard stories from friends about famous people they fucked that it’s not like they were really interested in getting to know those people either, they are kind of just a good story for later. So it’s weird being that person for someone. I’m sure she doesn’t even talk about me though. And it’s also awkward because we have some of the same friends. So now I feel weird being around those friends.

Very strange.

And then there’s just other random heartbreaks that have happened with other people and I can kind of understand that Spotless Sunshine Mind thing because I almost wonder if it’s better to have that zapped out of your mind so you don’t still try to send them texts to see how they are doing. But then there are good things about having been with those people too. I don’t know. I have friends who will delete all the photos and all the numbers and block them on all social media and I’m just not one of those people. But would it be better if I was? I don’t know.

I’m glad I’m off substances. This seems like the kind of maudlin train of thought that would have lead me to drinking a six pack and smoking so much weed I couldn’t move. Oh man. Today I had a sense memory of smoking cigarettes while drinking coffee and then I’ve just been trained so much by all the concurrent disorders groups I went to to “play the tape to the end” and then I’m remembering my desk with an overflowing ashtray and the haze of smoke and the yellow stains of nicotine everywhere. Oh man gross!

If I can think that way about physical addictions, I don’t know why I can’t start thinking that way about my romantic failures. Like, yeah that person didn’t want to get to know me. But also she was threatened by me being honest about being hurt by something, and that’s not the kind of person who is safe for someone with a mood disorder to date. Like just think about that, that is such a logical reason to move on. I don’t know why I end up making it all complicated.

I think another thing is not being loved by someone who DID get to know me really well. I feel like a little kid being like “But I’m loveable, I don’t understand why you don’t feel this too.” I mean I can’t MAKE people say I love you or anything. And maybe she just doesn’t say that to exes. Like what am I trying to prove? I am still loveable whether she felt it or not.

It is also weird going through all these thoughts and trying to be open to new romance cause I’ve felt like people don’t understand that I could be sad about an ex but still very much capable of falling in love with them wholeheartedly. Like these are not BRAND NEW heartbreaks. They’re just old shit I am writing about so I can work through it and move on.

OH GOD but writing this post about looking for love again makes me cringe too cause I can hear all the unsolicited advice I am going to receive like “You have to stop looking and then you’ll find it!” First of all shut up. That’s the worst advice! I’m 42, I’ve tried not looking, I’ve tried dating apps, I’ve tried looking for people in real life, like I just don’t think someone can give me advice that is gonna work. And I’m not looking for advice either. I’m just writing a post about my complicated emotions these days. Unsolicited advice is the bane of my existence. And it’s also really patronizing for me to hear and makes me feel like you think I’m an idiot.

I was trying to talk about a break up a few months ago with a friend and she started giving me unsolicited advice and I told her I didn’t want it and then she told me I couldn’t talk about my break up then. So I stopped talking to her. I mean we’ve talked since, but I know I can’t process my feelings with her anymore.

Most of the time I just write through stuff here. I’ve avoided it recently because I didn’t know what to say. And because my career is taking off so people are coming here more for my film stuff. And this experimental blog is like, kind of treated in a weird way by people when they find it. Like, some people think I’m gonna tell all their secrets on it or something, even tho I’ve tried to keep it very naval gazey.

There is a lot of really interesting stuff going on in my career but it seems like a bad move to tack it onto the end of this complicated emotions post. Maybe I will post career stuff later.

And then there were none…

Ugh I’ve been dreading writing this post on here cause I feel like I need to update the embryos situation. I mean because I have been so open about it.

SO I got my eggs fertilized, and basically they were growing until they stopped. They didn’t get to blasts. Which means they didn’t work. Which is sad. So I’m not trying again. It was thousands of dollars to just do the one cycle, and I’m not so wealthy that I can keep doing it. So I’ve been absorbing it for a while now, the ramifications. If they had worked I still would have needed to find a surrogate, which is complicated and expensive. And so now I don’t have to.

I signed up for a webinar to find out about the adoption process in Ontario later this month. I’m relieved that there ISN’T an age limit here on adoption. It gives me more time than the surrogate option would have.

But mostly I’m just trying to let this redirect me in another way children might come into my life. I’m trying to be open minded. It might be totally different than I expected.

ALSO I’m kind of glad I’ll have space and room to form a healthy romantic relationship with someone before bringing children into the mix, or without pushing my ideas of how I want to bring them into our relationship. Like, maybe we can have a solid two years together before adopting someone, which would be nice. It would be nice to have that space to grow together without the pressure of a biological clock. Or who knows maybe I will end up dating someone who is a parent.

Lol someone left a whole message on this site just to tell me I was a bad speller today I deleted it but I was thinking wow fuck you.

Emerging Strawberries

So I did another ill advised thing the other day and went to a beach. On a day that it turned into some kinda mega dance party with shitty social distancing. There were hundreds of people there. Yes we were outside BUT it was about as bad as that day at Trinity Bellwoods that made everyone on Twitter shit a brick. AND THEN of course today I’m texting with friends and one of my friends who knew about me going to that beach sends me an article in BlogTO about how there were HORDES of people there and so many complaints. And I’m just like omg I know it was so bad!

The good news is that after the Trinity Bellwoods fiasco, there WASN’T a massive COVID spike like everyone thought there would be. So it might be safer if it’s in the outdoors. But still ill advised. And I wanted my friend to hug me in the near future and now I don’t want to accidentally infect her if I DID get it yesterday. So I am isolating until I can get a test. Like a week? Maybe Thursday even? I don’t know I gotta find out how long I need to wait before the test.

Since I had to isolate, AND ALSO because today is my week off from GoodFood, I ordered groceries so I would have some side dishes and snacks. And I dunno, there is an option for item, and an option for kilos, and yeah long story short I ordered four tomatoes and ended up with like, TWENTY TOMATOES (ok at least 16) and I am sure I picked item. Cause I knew it was a risky choice. I picked 0.2 kilos of cheese once and ended up with a full kilo. So I know it happens. I’ve ordered one garlic and ended up with seven. It’s a risk you take with Instacart! Anyway, now I gotta figure out what to cook with 16 or 20 tomatoes. Sauces? Salsa? Tomato and bacon sandwiches? Do I can them? Oh man. I could freeze them but my freezer is packed because of that issue I had where I kept getting orders of fresh farm meat and didn’t realize I could go on a 12 week schedule instead of a 4 week schedule. I am the only one here who is eating (besides the dogs but they have their own food) so it’s not really like, I am serving a family of four food. And even if I was they wouldn’t eat 16 tomatoes in the time between now and when they go bad.

So yeah. Bummer. I did get baklava tho, and nuts, and hot rods, and some other things. Many things. Things I don’t get from the farm. Potatoes. A whole bunch of potatoes. I might also have trouble with that.

I’ve been growing strawberries. I have been pollinating them by hand with a qtip, and it must be working because every blossom as erupted into a small cute green strawberry. Emerging strawberries. I won’t get very many, but it’s nice growing them, and the plants are ever bearing so they will grow all summer.

I joined a Glad Day movie watching thing and watched San Junipero on Netflix (Black Mirror season 3 episode 4) and OMFG I cried so much! I was a blubbery mess. I kind of like crying like that but also the blinds were open and it was dark so my neighbours could see me crying again.

I do so much crying in private. Like, when I have a broken heart (which is frequently) I’ll just cry everyday while I’m writing in my diary. My heart is not broken right now. But I’ve lived here for five years this summer, and I can tell you there were definitely a couple years where crying EVERY DAY was a thing. Like, EVERY DAY! EVERY DAY! I can’t usually cry in front of people. So I do it alone, and I live alone, so I cry a lot in my day to day. And I sit near the window so I’m sure neighbours know me as that crying lady. Like Homer when he is spying on the neighbours from the second floor, only picture him crying. BUT I was doing pretty good, until this San Junipero episode ha ha. AWWW MY GOD. I’m such a sucker for queer lady love stories. Probably because for all intents and purposes I am a queer lady. Ha ha “lady” ha ha ha. I’m not really. I’m in that sapphic continuum for sure tho, so aww my heart! My withered queer heart!

Anyway. I’m on Tinder again. I’m trying to take it seriously although I would like to meet someone in “real life” and know we have things in common. I mean the thing is I met my last two lovers on Tinder so like??? I shouldn’t knock it? I dunno. I just don’t like it’s association with players, cause I am trying to find something long term FINALLY and it’s just not worked out for me so far. I hate that.

ALSO I have a lot of work to work on these days, and I’m falling behind. We are having a heat wave here, and I feel really loggy and unintelligent when I’m hot in a heat way. SO I’m just kind of, sitting around snacking and having ice cream and drinking pop and trying to figure out what to do with twenty tomatoes.

I also have a bag of lemons. BUT I was expecting a bag of lemons, and I am honestly gonna make lemonade, so it’s not an issue.

When life gives you tomatoes tho? OH man. I suppose I could chuck them at politicians.

Cough till you piss!

It’s been really exciting seeing so much push to defund the police in the States, and here, but I don’t know if Canada is gonna take that seriously. I mean the white majority.

FUCK I am so used to self censoring the word white because you get your posts taken down on Facebook if you talk about white supremacists or white people being racist and it’s just always made me use various other ways of saying white like yt mostly, or wypipo, or I’ve seen () or #ffff. But it’s amazing how white supremacist Facebook moderators can basically forbid criticism of racism and racist actions by deleting entries by BIPOC about white people. It’s so frustrating. And I realized WOW this is my page I can say it as much as I want! I pay for this space.

I remember one time these terfs came here to bully me and I was deleting their comments and they were complaining about me censoring them and I was like “It’s my website for my words go make your own fucking website bitch” anyway yeah that was kinda funny. I wonder if they ever did make a dumbass terfy website? I know I had to block some ip’s because they just kept coming back for more like wow you’re a little obsessed there Patty. Gross!

ANYWAY.

I am doing okay I guess. I didn’t do any real exercising this last week besides walking my dog. She loves her walks. Little Mister went out for a toddle in the courtyard today, he never wants to be out very long but he looks cute running around. He bounces. His legs are so tiny. I had a roast this weekend but it did NOT taste as good today as yesterday. That’s ok. I’m roasting a chicken tomorrow. I’m not sure what to cook with it. Maybe some rice, I ate all my potatoes. I did finally do weights tonight, so that was good. I was doing them twice a week but yeah, missed Wednesday this week. And I normally do it Saturday but instead I did it today.

I had a distance visit with someone today, it was nice. I also talked to my friend on zoom, which was nice too. I’m trying to remember to keep being social in some capacity, because I get weird when it’s just me and my feelings.

Speaking of feelings I’ve just finished two weeks of heavy solo processing about a break up and another past ex lover/one night stand and it was SO HARD. But like, also healing. I had a lot of stuff I needed to let go of, including some anger issues. I’m not a fighty person or anything, I just mean the kind of anger that makes you seethe alone in bed at night and not be able to sleep cause you feel done wrong. I don’t know, it’s not something I can resolve because that person doesn’t talk to me and never apologized the first time I said she did something hurtful, so it’s one of those situations where closure isn’t going to happen with that one person. I mean closure often isn’t freely given by ex lovers tho. Like some people just don’t know how to apologize, or are just jerks. So many jerks. So it’s kind of been me trying to find closure myself and release myself from thinking about this person. The other recent ex and I are on good terms tho. It’s just this one jerkface I was kinda hung up on. Everyone meets that kind of person tho. And it’s not like I even spent very much time with her at all. I don’t even really know her except the things she likes doing in bed. I’m sure she’s a nice friend for people who aren’t me. Just yeah, weird history that I dragged around into my next relationship. So I’m trying to let it all go.

Cause I DO want to have a serious relationship with someone who isn’t a jerkface and doesn’t mind communicating hard stuff and knows how to apologize. I’m sure it’s possible. And I just feel like it might be coming soon and I want to be ready so she’s not also being like “You’re hung up on Jerkface still.” UGH NO no more jerkface!

I’ve been hung up on exes for a long time before, but those were actual relationships with long histories, not ill-advised one night stands. Kinda odd. Maybe it’s because of social media, before if someone was gone and you had no pictures of them they were just sort of mysteries and you’d look around at queer events for them and write in your diary. But now you can see them comment on shit, or post things, or blah blah blah come up in your People You May Know and make you paranoid. What are you saying Facebook why do you think I know this person what do you know?! Ha ha ha. See that actually really dates me that I remember dating before social media made it all messy.

Anyway. Things are good. I did do a lot of processing. And I was able to put my complex feelings aside long enough to finish the most recent draft of my feature script Evil Fire. I am hoping to finish rewriting this year, and then we will apply for production funds. It’s kinda ridiculous tho because productions are on hold while people figure out COVID or wait for a vaccine or something. So even tho we might get production funds for next year, we could still be waiting another year before being able to shoot. I dunno. It is all a mystery!

My dogs are good tho. And I’ve been using my sun porch more which is helping me think about my space differently. It’s basically another room that I barely use, so having the extra space be somewhere I can spend time in now is great. If I was still a smoker I’d smoke so much out there. But I am not. I get urges still, eight years later, but I don’t smoke. I’m keeping quit! I think about smoking weed sometimes too, but then I remember coughing until I’d piss and how shitty that was so I’m glad I don’t do that either.

Restless

I’m outgrowing my apartment/home. I’ve lived here for five years this summer, definitely a long time. I really love my apartment, it’s been a good safe place to live, and super affordable. But I REALLY want to get into a two bedroom, and I can’t do that until I have a partner to move in with. I’ve seen a couple two bedroom units in my co-op and they are really nice. Also not HUGE but like, they have dining rooms. I don’t have a dining room, just a living room, bedroom, teeny kitchen, and bathroom. ALSO the kitchens seem to have way more cupboard space. I would love more cupboards. I feel like that point in Alice In Wonderland when she’s eating food that makes her giant and her arms and legs are sticking out of windows in the house she’s bursting out of. Only I also have dogs!

I know I also need to lose some things. Like, I have a lot of tshirts I never wear. They could definitely go. I have books I really don’t need or want to read again, those could go. I have some DVDs I just don’t need. You know, just junk. I have cds that could go to the street. This stuff is all taking space and I don’t have to let it.

At the same time a pandemic really does feel like a shitty time to leave things out for people to pick through. Like who is gonna trust it to not have COVID? I can’t even guarantee it doesn’t have COVID because I don’t know maybe I am asymptomatic.

I’m not sure how to cope with this urge to move to a new place, since I definitely can’t move right now. I’m not leaving the co-op. My apartment gets great sun. I just want a bigger one. But I have been thinking maybe I could work on making my home more appealing. I’ve been cleaning rooms in a more substantive way. Like, I got rid of a lot of junk in my bedroom and put things where they were supposed to go. So it seems a lot more reasonable in there. And I’ve been thinking about painting my apartment. Not a HUGE paint job, but like, I could paint the trim in my living room, and the door to the stairs. Just a few things. I like the plants I’ve gotten, they make me feel more in touch with life and nature.

I don’t know. I am restless. And not like I want to leave town, and I definitely don’t want to leave the co-op. I think I am just antsy to get to the next part of my life where I’m living with someone and starting a life together and making each other dinner and having baths together and lazy morning sex and calling home to see if my partner wants me to pick something up from the store. And like, MORE SPACE! A kitchen with more cupboards. A place to have a dining table that we can eat at. I think what is also distressing is that this part of my life is completely out of my control until the right person comes along.

And I can’t go dating until this pandemic is over or under control or SOMETHING. It’s a very strange time in my life. I didn’t have this in my life plans.

Who Knows What The Future Will Bring

Well I haven’t written here in a long time! OMG! So, some things have changed.

I was super concerned that I wouldn’t be able to fertilize my eggs this year because COVID shut down the fertility clinic. But they are reopening, and on Tuesday I am going to message them and see if I can get my donor to go in and just finally fertilize these guys. Cause I just want to get it over with, take a gamble. If we get good embryos that have a chance then great! If not… well I still tried. So yeah. I can’t afford to do another cycle because $6000 worth of medication is just not in my budget. Especially since I have to pay $4000 to also do genetic testing.

BUT hey there is still a chance!

I’m realizing I really don’t know what my future has in store for me. I know people try to have five year plans and my plans have usually only ever been two year plans at best. But this whole thing has thrown everyone for a loop. And I still don’t feel able to have a baby by myself. I need someone to help me parent, even if I am adopting. Plus I don’t know how I can get into a two bedroom if I don’t have a baby yet. It’s really complicated. Like do I need to get a partner to move into a two bedroom so that I could be eligible to adopt? Cause I can’t just move into a two bedroom by myself right now, not by the co-op rules anyway.

I’m confused.

Also I am just kind of taking a pause when it comes to dating. I do want a partner, but I am also deeply introspective right now and trying to understand what I really need from a relationship in the future. And what I can give. And the sort of attentive kind partner I want to be with. AND like I don’t know how to date with this pandemic. It seems like a big obstacle. If I could kiss anyone I would kiss my last lover because I still trust her, but she is not with me anymore. And I am trying to promise myself I won’t chase people anymore. I don’t think it’s ethical to try and convince someone to give me a chance. If they don’t freely want to give me a chance and date me then I don’t want it. And it doesn’t feel good to always be the chaser. Ugh.

Anyway. I have been cooking with the goodfood box, I made some really amazing dinners. Some other not so great dinners. I really don’t like bokchoy. If I could skip everything that has bokchoy I’d be happy. Bokchoy. ANYWAY, they look great in pictures so my instagram is like, dinner photos. Not real inspired but they make me happy anyway.

I also got a huge four foot windowbox for my sunporch and some pepper and strawberry plants, so I am growing those. They make me happy, just going outside every day, sometimes watering, checking their progress. I had lettuce too but some mice found the seedlings when I was still keeping them inside and ate them, roots and all! So no lettuce for me. I might get some herbs planted out there too tho, basil would be good. And who knows what else. I also got some succulents so I am trying hard not to kill those, but I have a bad history with succulents so we’re just gonna have to see.

I don’t go out much. I go to Shoppers for my meds, and toothpaste and stuff. I try to limit my NoFrills trips to once a week or sometimes once every two weeks. I’ve not needed to get much since I started getting the goodfood box tho. And I had signed up for a farm to deliver meat but I’m not eating it fast enough. ALSO today I just got an order of game from Antler so I am eating some pricey cuts of meat this next while. Bison and boar and duck and cornish hens. And venison. SO FANCY.

I’m actually kind of sad cause the bison came with like, two ribsteaks. And I was thinking tonight how nice it would be to cook them for dinner with someone. And then I started thinking about how I would have a physically distanced dinner with someone. I don’t know if it’s possible, especially if I am touching their food. I could wear gloves and a mask I guess. I dunno. I am going to have to plan my romantic dinners for the future.

I do like being part of a couple if the other person is serious about it. Like, if they get weirded out by romantic gestures like me cooking them dinner or writing them a love letter then it’s not fun. Like I think those are mostly the people who just wanted sex tho. But like, I like planning things for someone. I like writing love letters. I like being foolish and trying to play a song for them, or learn a song. I like making dinners. I like planning sexy escapades and adventures. I like spontaneously going to some event to hold hands in the audience and maybe kiss when no one is looking. Just real basic relationship things that I haven’t really had a chance to do much in my life. I did do some of those things. But not enough. It would be nice to lay next to someone and talk about the future and tell them I love them and hear it back. I don’t know why that has been so elusive for me but it has.

Anyway, I’m not really looking for it right now, since I don’t know how to date with a pandemic going on. And I don’t know if there will be a vaccine. But nobody knows really.

I saw two friends today in the flesh, which was kind of amazing, they both stopped by my house and visited from a distance. I miss visiting. It was nice. I went to a screening I was in on Femme Power TV on Twitch and it was really fun, really reminded me of fun queer events we can’t go to anymore because of the pandemic. It felt very intimate and yet also like a community, it was great.

Some days are easier than other days. I still watch a movie every day, or some shorts in a festival or event if that is going on. I watched an Agnes Varda film last night that was super beautiful, Cleo 5 to 7. So amazing! I watch some bad films too, like hollywood cheesy ones, or old crap movies, anything I feel moved to see that day. It’s been a good practice and I’m glad I started it.