All posts by Thirza Cuthand

Spring Cleaning Times

I am doing my last push of spring cleaning today. Over the last couple of weeks I’ve been doing all kinds of things to make my home better. I did all that cleaning in my bedroom this winter, and most of that is still clean but it could use some going over again in the future. It still looks way better than before, I have a long string of white lights on the wall, some ridiculous Warhol dachshund print, I cleaned off the bedside table and originally it had a plant and crystals, and now it’s got crystals and dicks and play needles and a sharps container and a mini projector. So like, yeah a bit different. The plant got ants which is why it had to go, sad.

I need to tidy my books but MOSTLY they got tidied in the winter and the bookshelves are a bit better.

I have clutter on the entertainment unit and coffee table and bench to clean.

I washed the cushion covers on my couch and my bench, which makes them look almost new except I didn’t wash the GIANT cover on the couch cause it’s so unwieldy. So the arms are still a bit grubby. But overall the couch is great. And the bench was so gross before too cause I eat on it all the time. And yeah, I’m happy about that.

I set up the air conditioner, but honestly it’s not even hot enough to turn it on. I did have it on a couple times but it was just not useful yet.

I cleaned out the sun porch last weekend. I took out recycling, swept, threw out old shit I didn’t need. It’s looking way better, but I almost killed a plant so now there are dead leaves that need sweeping.

Over the winter I upgraded my bathroom so that I have a bidet and a handheld shower head. I haven’t showered much, but the bidet is like so amazing omg. I’m so glad I got it.

I washed the floor today, which I do almost every weekend anyway, but I also put away some stuff so I could wash the floor in the kitchen and by the fridge where the dog bowls are. And I washed under the garbage can. So it’s pretty good in here right now.

I really just have these cluttered spots to deal with, and to take out some more recycling, put away dishes, and clean the bathroom, and then I’m done. I’m so glad. And I’ll probably do deep cleaning a bit more in the future. But this is way way better.

I really like cleaning actually. I think because it’s a visually satisfying thing to do. Like when it’s done you see so many changes, and you feel like you’ve made a difference, and you want people to come over. It’s a really nice feeling.

There’s some fruit flies in here though which makes me think there’s something they are coming from. MYSTERY!

I dunno, what else? I’m mostly stoked about having a clean home again, for a while. I feel like I can have cuties over and not have them be distracted by like, I dunno, a bunch of plastic bags stuck to the floor or something.

ANYWAY I should go push on and finish up here. I’m FINALLY so close to the end of this! Exciting! ALSO I was kind of bummed out because The Distillers was my last concert ticket I’d been anticipating, and now the show is over. BUT now Sleater-Kinney are coming in November so I got a couple tickets and a friend and I are going! So that’s something to look forward to. I really love live music, especially now that I am in Toronto and bands I really like come here on a regular basis.

Ready for Magic

I think I’m ready for more magical things to happen in my life. I feel like I’ve concentrated on my career for so long. I mean I am still going to keep working hard and stuff. But I think I’m ready to feel things like love and desire and so on in a more concrete way. But it’s not even that, it’s more like wanting to feel more connected to nature, and plant life, and that sort of thing. And being open to the mysteries of life.

I quit doing spells this last year because I kind of fucked myself over with a couple of spells that brought in a confusing relationship and then ended it suddenly which I intended but not in a great way. And I just didn’t think I did it right, and I hadn’t intended it to be that person, I didn’t know who it was gonna be but it picked the wrong person, I don’t know. I guess it wasn’t meant to be. I’m trying to be more open to trusting that the universe has something better in mind for me. Like maybe I don’t need to do those sorts of spells that end up hurting everyone involved by accident. Like maybe there is something wiser and older and more experienced that I can trust to be helping me somehow.

I don’t think I need to do love spells anymore. And I haven’t. They always backfired in some spectacular way. I think I’m curious now about who is going to show up for me. My friend has a theory that weird shit happens because of these white women doing witchy spells without knowing what they are conjuring up and in a sense I understand that and think it’s a main reason I’ve been trying to bring my spiritual practices closer to Plains Cree beliefs than Euro-Pagan ones. I’ve got some white sage. But I’ve been reading about how harvesting is endangering it, and how it’s specific to the Indigenous people around that area anyway. So I’m going to be growing some prairie sage plants, and hopefully some sweetgrass too. And I’ve been trying to use sweetgrass more in my smudging. It’s part of my tribe’s medicines so I feel comfortable with it. It doesn’t smell as nice as the white sage but I think that’s just because I got used to white sage and have forgotten my connection with sweetgrass.

I grew up going to sweatlodges a lot as a kid. I was doctored by my Uncle and Auntie when I first started getting depressions. I am not in my territory though, so I’m not sure how to connect with my ceremonies beyond maybe attending some when I go home this summer. I’ve never been great at praying, like I just think good thoughts when I do it but I don’t have like, specific words I say or anything. I dunno, my connection to spirituality is wibbly I guess you could say. I believe in the Plains Cree spirits and beings that I know of. But besides getting messages in dreams, I don’t do a lot of stuff. I suppose I put out offerings though.

I don’t really know what it would look like to be more spiritual in a Cree way without seeing an actual medicine person. I’ve just been smudging and putting tobacco down sometimes. Maybe I should ask my Uncle. It’s not like I don’t know Cree medicine people, they are just far away from me. I’m sure there’s someone in town though, Toronto is huge and there’s Crees everywhere.

I feel like someone is going to love me for the rest of my life. And there is even someone who loves me right now. I’m just trying to figure out my relationship with magic and destiny, and how the Plains Cree worldview ties into all of that. I know who my spirit animal is, I’ve spoken with ancestors in dreams twice in the last few months. I feel like I am safe to explore this. I think Indigenous magic is something we don’t talk about a lot outside of our communities because settlers ridicule us when we do because they are colonizers. OR they try to take it and recreate it without us. It’s very strange.

Anyway, I remember when I was in some really dark periods I felt supported by Plains Cree spiritual beliefs and practices. I just want to get in touch with it again. And not to do some crazy love medicine shit. More to feel aligned with my soul’s purpose.

Indigenize my Garden Patch

Work day today, which was really nice actually. I was reworking a second draft of an article. I feel like I got closer to where I want it, but also added like 300 more words than the initial word count we are aiming for and didn’t want to cut until the editor sees it. Honestly I could write a lot more about it but I know there’s limits to this particular article. I’m liking writing for magazines, I haven’t done a lot until a couple years ago when I started being approached to write for Canadian Art, and then Inuit Art Quarterly, and now another magazine (details to come!). I also have another article I am working on but the deadline is twelve days away. They’d probably like to see a version now tho.

I’ve also got to start working on another draft of my feature. I have an idea for the opening scene that is even more terrifying than the initial opening scene I’ve been using. It’s something I wanted to put in a film years ago, and maybe this is the right one.

It’s a hard day for a lot of people, the MMIWG2S Inquiry report came out. And of course there’s a lot of racism in Canada that’s on display online, so it’s kind of disheartening to see assholes on twitter/comments/etc. People generally in favour of what has happened to women/girls/2S people here, even tho they will pretend it’s just about the terminology used in the report. I’m so sick of Canadians sometimes.

I’m just doing my part by making art that hopefully makes people think. It’s really my only weapon.

I got an email from my webhost that my website is taking too much space on the server and they might cut me off if I don’t upgrade to like, a stand alone server. I’m so reluctant, this didn’t even seem like it was gonna be a big website. I guess 15 years of blogging and google indexing will do that. I’d be annoyed if I didn’t have this site, just because it gives me control over my words and my art practice. Ugh. I hope it doesn’t cost a lot of money.

People have been telling me for years to monetize this blog but nooooo I don’t want to! I always thought of writing this blog as being more of an outlet, like letting steam escape from the pressure cooker that is my brain. I feel like if I tried to put ads on this thing I’d feel interference, or some shit like that. And really this blog does get me work because it’s helped me get those writing gigs, and people can see my videos on this site (some of them anyway), and people contact me for artist talks and stuff.

I really hate living under capitalism. I know it’s falling apart, but not soon enough.

Anyway, I was gonna make sure it’s okay with my neighbour to dig up a lily next to my steps and plant some sweetgrass there instead. I was reading about the rhizomes tho and how they are very aggressive and take over patches of land. And I know it would be great to have a lot of sweetgrass, but also a little embarrassing if my attempt to Indigenize my garden patch ended up choking out her other plants. I guess I could just keep digging out the errant sweetgrass and keeping it in a specific area. I also want to plant some milkweed so that the monarchs have something to eat or whatever they do with it. I’d only grown up in a setting that had white and yellow moths in the summer, so it’s kind of been magical every summer to see the Monarchs come to town. I haven’t seen fireflies in my whole life yet either. It would be nice to see those, I think they are in Ontario.

I might end up growing sage instead though, because I know someone who has some sage seedlings.

It was a beautiful sunny day today. I woke up and went to Pet Valu to buy the pups some wet food. Then Little Mister pouted around because he wanted me to buy him some lamb ears cause the tendon we have is too hard, and so is the yak milk. So I went all the way back to Pet Valu and bought him his damn lamb ears. He’s so funny. Now he’s sleeping against the wall in his favourite spot on the floor. I love him so much, he was being super adorable and cuddly today. And I know my time with him is going to come to an end in the future so I kept stopping work just to kiss his face and cuddle him. Mostly when he wants a cuddle tho it’s a ruse, to get onto the coffee table and look for food.

A Man on a Pony

I’m chilling at home. I’ve been watching Chernobyl and FUCK IT IS SCARY omg. I’m only finished the second episode. But it’s like, so overwhelming to think about. At least episode 2 wasn’t as grisly as Episode 1 where people’s bodies were disintegrating from the radiation.

I was also watching Gentleman Jack and I watched an episode last night and was like “Wait why is she beat up?” “When did her girlfriend go nuts?” “Last time they were just hanging out and she was hitting on her whut whut whut?” Ha ha yeah anyway HBO just automatically plays the most recent episode for you, so I skipped ahead like, three episodes. Missed the courting almost entirely. Total bummer. Gonna have to go back and BE MORE CAREFUL next time when I watch an episode.

That’s a good rule for life really, for me anyway, BE MORE CAREFUL! I’ve found myself sort of crashing through situations and people more recently. And sometimes saying shit when I should just shut up. Like especially around/about cuties. I did have a breakthrough in communicating with someone I am going on dates with tho, because I really realized I FUCKING SUCK at texts/messages/chats. I’m like a million times better at talking with people in real life, face to face. I mean not when there’s a crowd around, but like one on one getting to know people or being cute with them and being able to read their signals goes way better in person than through these fucking texts. Like I have had people tell me in the last year that I am overwhelming in messages/texts, or sometimes I don’t know if someone is happy to hear from me and get worried BECAUSE of those people who told me I was overwhelming them, so then I fuck off and feel shitty about myself and probably make them feel shitty too if they actually did like hearing from me. I’d really just like to go back to talking on the phone honestly, that was a million times better. Or handwritten perfumed letters sent with pressed wildflowers inside delivered by a man on a pony. SOMETHING! Omg I need like, a wax seal or something, with a wiener dog on it.

I mean honestly tho if someone doesn’t want to see me face to face hardly ever that should be enough for me to know not to carry on. Although to be fair one of these people lives far away. Ughhhh.

I DID have my _personals_ ad come out on Instagram tho, which was cute. There were some cuties following me. I’m trying to be open to the future. Who knows what will happen. Maybe I’ll fall in love with someone far away who will send me perfumed letters with pressed wildflowers and four leafed clovers inside. God I love that shit. I used to be like, such a romantic, and now I just feel like I’m looking in the wrong places. Like, maybe play parties and bathhouses are not the right places to look for a wife. Ha ha omg I feel like a butch Carrie Bradshaw writing these sorts of blog posts. I’m sure my career is more interesting than this.

My career is fine. There’s some press coming out now about the Indigenous film program I am in at the Whitney, because you can see it now if you go to Yale Union in Portland Oregon. I got a check from them the other day (obligatory American spelling) with a gerbil and a chinchilla on the stamps, so cute.

I love mail. All my mail is bills and artist fees. The artist fees are lovely, I always love those. But handwritten perfumed letters with pressed wildflowers and four leafed clovers delivered by a man on a pony would be really appreciated.

Been a Long While

I haven’t written here for 8 days, that seems like a long time. Anyway, I don’t really know what to write today. I have some work I need to do and I slept in because I was having an interesting dream about being in a crashing dirigible with my Mom and Steven. And then dreaming of being at this lesbian breakup ceremony/party where one of the people busting up accused an audience member of murdering their love by tempting their partner away from them. And I was just like “Yikes drama” and left the party and woke up.

I’m kind of tired of getting crushes on partnered people. It’s a special kind of hopelessness, even in polya situations, to know that the person you like has already centred someone in their life and there’s never going to be space for you as a serious partner. Ugh fuck so depressing. Even if I am a good catch, that person has already caught someone. And especially not productive when you are someone who has access to affordable housing and wants to move into a larger unit already and have a family. Cause no one wants to do that with someone they see on the side. And also none of these crushes I have had actually want children anyway. Which is also a pretty big issue. And my time is running out for government funded assisted reproduction, because it ends at 43 and I am 41.

I know lots of other people feel pressure to find The One for having a family with. And last year I was all fuck it I’m not gonna wait anymore. But now I’m back to waiting. It’s a weird life.

Anyway I have a fancy film gig I am working on right now but you won’t know what it is for like, another month, when they announce it. Which is fine, I guess. But it’s what I have to work on today. And I got tickets to go see the Distillers tonight, but I’m going alone. Which is whatever. I don’t mind going to concerts alone because it’s fine to watch things like that without someone next to me. But it’s like, maybe not as fun, and I was surprised when I was looking for someone on FB to come with me that none of my friends were interested. I was like omg but it’s the Distillers how can you not be into this? I dunno.

I’m glad that since I have moved to Toronto I have seen a lot of live music. It wasn’t always like this, in Saskatoon I saw a lot of small bands that came through places like Amigos. But like some of the bands I was a super fan of, they wouldn’t really come through. And definitely not bigger musicians like PJ Harvey and Tori Amos. And Janelle Monae.

Anyway I mean overall life is fine. I’m sure that family thing will work out eventually, just probably not with the people I am talking to.

Sober Birthday And Boy Feelings

It’s kind of a strange day today. For one thing, it’s my 7 year Sober Birthday, which is super exciting. I ordered a lemon chiffon cake for myself and ate a slice, gonna slowly work my way through it the next few days. Being sober for seven years is a long time. I didn’t even know I was gonna quit drinking until the day I did quit. I kind of knew it was not going well for me. I’d quit pot like, a few months previously. And I just sort of substituted booze for weed, and it was not a great scene. I’m kind of a messy pukey drunk. So I do blood tests to check my liver because of the medications I am on for bipolar, and during the liver check they said it was kinda fucked and I needed to stop drinking immediately. So I did. I don’t know what made that so easy. I mean I really did “party” hardcore for my whole 20’s and part of my 30’s. And it wasn’t really so fun, more like embarrassing. And dangerous.

I remember when I first got sober and was around drunk people I realized how vulnerable they were for the first time. I mean also they can be very annoying. But there’s something that sort of makes me think of them as large rowdy children and it makes me worry for my friends in altered states. It also made me think about my own history as a drunk stoned person and the situations I would find myself in, some of which were dangerous.

Some things I haven’t been able to figure out as a sober person, and it makes me feel some things. Like, I haven’t kissed anyone these last seven years as a sober person, because I realized I really relied on substances to be brave enough to ask to kiss someone. And sex has been right out. It’s actually been longer than seven years, but the being sober thing complicates all of this. At this point I’m not even sure I will remember how to kiss someone properly, and I remember I was once a really exceptional kisser and I just don’t know if I have that in me yet, or if the first person I kiss will be patient enough not to write me off right away for being rusty. It’s not really like I am saving myself for someone to be with the rest of my life, it’s just that making advances is really complicated. Probably falling in love with unavailable women over and over didn’t help either. Also right now I have Invisaligns and although kissing is supposed to be fine, I’m still self-conscious of it. I don’t really feel undesirable though, that’s not really it. And I don’t feel like “OH GOD I’m never gonna kiss anyone again” cause I know someone wants to kiss me and it’s gonna happen soon. It’s just that the last seven years were filled with hesitation and being drawn to the wrong people, and I guess probably figuring myself out too. I didn’t realize I would want to parent children, for one thing, which changes my long term plans for people.

I’ve gotten sort of better at my career in terms of making things happen. That’s a good feeling. I’ve been slowly getting better at meeting new people. I’m more productive, which sounds like a capitalist trap and maybe it is, but also it feels good being able to create so much more work than I did when I was wasted all the time.

Anyway, it’s been a good seven years of growth. I have a drivers license, live somewhere else, did a degree, had some career achievements. My psychic says the love thing is just gonna take time cause I guess this woman I end up with is someone I meet while traveling, so it’s not even gonna happen here. But I still want to put out the intention of wanting to form a longterm relationship someday.

The boy stuff is sort of always around, and not really related to being sober but was also something I was thinking of today. I’m really reluctant to say I’m not a girl, cause part of me is, I’m genderfluid. I’m not gonna do hormones or surgery and I like she/her pronouns. And I even still ID as a lesbian cause I exclusively date queer women. I like that my skin is really soft even compared to other women, so I don’t want to change that, or get hairy, or lower my voice, or read like a cis man. I like my body basically and don’t have dysphoria. But damn do I feel like a boy. There are some things that all point to me being happy with my gender, but still my gender presentation is fairly masculine. I still do my nails. I have pink hair but it’s short. I’m really contradictory but basically I still like being seen and recognized by femmes who call me handsome or say something about me being a boy while they run their fingernails across my skin. I’m colourful by traditional boy standards, but that’s just who I am.

A while back I saw an article about lesbian boys and I kind of scoffed at it. But now I kind of see their point. It’s a confusing thing. I like all my soft parts. But sex with me is sort of a fluid adventure and even as a bottom it involves sort of taking turns having the dick and stuff, and like treating my body certain ways that to the outside observer might just seem like cis lesbian sex but there’s something just a bit boy about how I like to be treated. I still need to explore it more, and like I said above the last seven years have been solitary. I like having my breasts touched and not every boy is into that. I like being penetrated too. But also there’s some interest in femmes who are fluid with the way they fuck too. And even tho I’m mostly a submissive I still like strapping it on and pleasuring my partners. I’m not sure where this idea that all subs/bottoms do is take and not give comes from. Anyway, ha ha it occurs to me this blog post is mostly about sex as a sober boy than as just being sober and also a boy.

I don’t want to say I’m not a woman though. I think because I’m never gonna have the cis guy experience. And also because I’m not gonna pass as a man. And I don’t want to. BUT DAMN I appreciate when people see the boy in me and recognize it and let me know.

Post Biennial Feelings

Thirza At Whitney Biennial

I am back from the Whitney Biennial 2019! I went down for the parties/openings. I don’t have work showing in it until Sept 20 and 21st when I am screening two videos (2 Spirit Introductory Special $19.99 and Just Dandy) but I wanted to meet some artists there and see what people were showing. And yeah of course the chance to see the fancy stuff! It was overall a positive experience for me, I met new people, felt respected by the people who worked for the museum and appreciated by my cohort of artists even tho they didn’t get to see my videos yet. I think some of them looked me up though, so that’s nice. I felt like it was mostly a positive space as a 2 Spirit Indigiqueer person to be in, although I have something else that conflicts with that which I will mention later here.

New York itself was kind of a new experience this time, even though it was the third time I’ve been there. I found the people I met really friendly and open and I hope to return more often. Some people offered me spare rooms to stay in next time, which was sweet of them. I might do a workshop with another group of artists down there. I went to the Cubbyhole which I have heard about for a long time. And omg of course we went to Stonewall Inn for a drink, which was small but being such a historically significant part of a queer collective past made it feel really important and almost emotional to be in. Above is a picture of my friend Elwood, my Mom Ruth Cuthand, and I in front of the bar in the rain. Mom made a weird face cause it was rainy and she didn’t know what camera to look at ha ha.

I felt like most of my time there was trying to get some place or another. But maybe next time I’ll stay closer to Manhattan and not all the way in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn. Riding the ferry was sweet tho.

OKAY so like I had said I felt mostly safe as an Indigiqueer artist at the Whitney, and I think a couple other Indigiqueer/2S friends I’d gone with both nights felt that way too. But I put a bunch of other mostly Indigiqueer/2S/Queer/Trans artists who are friends on the guest list, and when they came they like really went looking fucking amazing and fierce and they were great. But the security at the Whitney followed them around the whole time they were there and made them feel uncomfortable. And in Canada, well Canada sucks but in places like the National Gallery and so on they would be a lot more respected by the security instead of being treated like a threat. They were gifting blankets to myself and the other Indigenous artists in the exhibition which was so sweet, but the blankets sort of threatened security, and some medicines they put down for the late great James Luna got confiscated. So sort of have some mixed feelings about that. I mean there is so much to be unpacked there but I really just got home yesterday and haven’t sorted it all out in my head yet.

I celebrated last night by going to Lizzo here in Toronto with some of them and that was super fun. I’m glad I got to see her perform in a smaller venue because I think it’s gonna be the bigger places from now on for her.

I did one media interview while I was in New York, which was nice. I know I am supposed to be capitalizing on this opportunity, but not sure it’s gonna totally work out that way for me, for various reasons. I’m just going to continue trying to do the work I do, which I feel is important. There’s a core part of me that is still basically making videos for a teenage queerdo that I was living in Saskatchewan in the early 90’s not seeing myself anywhere. I know someday I’m gonna find out someone kept hanging on because they saw some outlines of who they were and who they could be in my work. Some isolated Indigiqueer/2S youth somewhere in the prairies wanting some sign that they aren’t a freak. Or that maybe if they are a freak, that it’s a good thing. I don’t think that’s such a weird reason to make art.

Remember Why You Do This

I have been trying to come to peace with wild big themes of fame and attention and celebrity, and sort of who gets uplifted, and who doesn’t. And trying not to feel sore about not being famous or something I don’t know. I was talking with my Mom tonight on the phone because I hate having these feelings so I need to remember why I am an artist in the first place. She and I have both been making largely political work through our careers, and my father also. And Canada just doesn’t really have a system for art stars or anything. And when I tell people I’m in the Whitney Biennial a lot of people don’t know what that is. But then it’s like, do I really want to even be an art star? Like is that why I am making art? To be famous? I mean honestly that’s really not my intention with the work I do. I started making videos because I wanted to create representations of under represented communities, like teenage Indigenous lesbians, and then all the other multiplicities of marginal identities I picked up along the way and the people I grew to love and work with. Cause I remember growing up what it felt like to be a weirdo and alone and like I was the only one like me. And I didn’t want someone else to feel that way, like they couldn’t be complex and strange and having a sexuality that doesn’t involve men except in occasionally embodying feelings of transmasculinity. I’ve always said this in every artist talk I have ever done, I make representations of under-represented and under-served communities. I speak about and to 2S/Indigiqueer people. I’m really clear about it.

So I guess part of me thought the Whitney thing would be the big break, and I’d like finally be on the cover of something, I don’t know. But Canada is more excited about Venice because Canadians go to Venice and as a general rule Canadians don’t go to the Whitney Biennial because it was made for American Artists. But in a way this is good because it’s finally making me confront that old desire to be famous. I don’t know where it came from. Maybe it was some kind of ego compensation from when I was a bullied little kid or something. But does it really matter? Or is it really the art that matters?

When I think about my life and my future it’s not really like, driving around in a Mercedes or eating caviar or sleeping in king sized beds or even really doing interviews every week. I think about some really practical things like the stories I want to tell in my work, and visually arresting scenes I want to film, and children I want to raise and my home I want to live in and doing things in my community. I can still do all of those things without being famous.

And then again I think back to my under-represented and under-served communities and it’s like, yeah how can I even think I would be famous when I make work that not everyone can extend themselves to empathize with? Like some cishet people are just not gonna celebrate a kinky old fat NDN masculine lesbian. And it’s not that that’s okay, that’s just where they are in their personal evolution, and not much I can do about it.

But I was talking with Dayna Danger on Friday night in Kingston after our opening at Agnes Etherington Art Gallery and they were saying that they felt I made space for them and the other loud sexy challenging 2s artists coming up now. And when I think about it, maybe it’s true. And maybe that was the point. I was always trying to help people get video skills and encourage emerging 2s artists. I always kept it in the back of my mind that the reason I made videos with such DIY aesthetics was to subtly encourage other filmmakers and video artists that they could make something too without having the big production values and the big grants. And I guess it worked. And really that’s what I should be celebrating, that there’s a space for this work to be seen and embraced and people pushing the envelope.

People try to get famous in all kinds of destructive ways. And probably I could be more famous if I changed the type of work I make and made really consumable images. But I honestly didn’t want to be a celebrity, I wanted to change the world, and those are two very different things.

Devout and Out: Susan

I’m so pleased to be able to say I have directed this short doc episode in the CBC Gem series “Devout and Out.” It’s a series about Queer Priests and Ministers. My episode is about Susan Beaver and her nomination for Moderator of the United Church of Canada. It was such a pleasure to get to know her as we shot this episode.

I find a lot of people in my circle have triggers around Christianity, which is to be expected from a community/group of people who have been violently colonized by Christian Europeans. I tried to explore some of the tension between being Indigenous and Christian in this episode, and also being Queer. It’s a very complicated situation for a lot of people.

And yet my Grandparents were Anglicans, including my very Plains Cree Grandpa who was an Anglican Minister. And my Auntie Beth is also now an Anglican Priest. And for a time in my 20’s while I was sorting myself out I was also a Christian (although I didn’t talk about it much). So I have a different perception of Indigenous Christians than probably a lot of Indigenous people who really reject Christianity. And there definitely are Indigenous Christians who have found comfort in Christian teachings. And I’m not really going to tell them they are wrong for that because of the bloody history of Christianity. Just as I wouldn’t tell Indigenous Buddhists that they are less Indigenous because they believe in something that isn’t “traditional” spirituality.

But I think Susan talks about all of this way better than I can. So I hope you watch my episode, and the others which are also on Youtube and CBC Gem. The series is “Devout and Out” and I got to work with a great team and I hope we get to work together again!

Happy Easter!

Roundup of Blabby

So the doc I made has been released! I’m gonna make a separate post about it cause I want to go back to blabby about personal stuff without being too revealing. I dunno it’s a weird dance.

I DID go on a date, at least it had all the hallmarks of a date, and it was nice and we are gonna see each other again. So my No-Dates stretch is over. I had a few other interesting things happen that I won’t talk about here. BUT I’ll just say that it more than made up for being rejected by two femme tops in three hours a couple weeks ago or whatever. Ha ha omg. You know it’s not even like that was this awful thing that happened to me, I think I was just so surprised that TWO rejections happened in such a short span of time.

I seem to be polyamorous right now, or like solo polya maybe since I don’t have specifically defined relationships at the moment. Just sort of romantic/sexy intrigue with a few people. But the last few years I’ve been so “Rah rah rah I’m gonna be monogamous!” that this turn of events, which could be brief I don’t know, is a bit surprising. I’m going with it! I’m not gonna talk about who these people are here though cause they have their own private lives. I think I’d probably only talk about a partner if we were in a serious long term relationship, and even then it would be neutral stuff like “My wife and I got a new dog today” or something. And who knows, in the future I could wind up in a monogamous relationship, I’m not ruling anything out. I am just sort of exploring sexy dates and cuteness, and playing with folks in mutually rewarding ways.

I had a mostly quiet week this last week. I didn’t do anything majorly exciting. I saw some experimental films. My short doc in Devout and Out got released on CBC Gem. I got some fancy art mail. I dunno, that’s about it. I finally bought a plane ticket to Saskatoon to do some shooting in August. Seems so far away! It’s not really. It’s already nearer to the end of April, and then just May June and July and then I’ll be home. “Home.” I mean it’s not my home anymore. But I will probably always call it home.

I have to do some shooting here in Ontario this spring/summer too, and I’ve been SO SHITTY at planning it. Ideally we would shoot in two days. It’s complicated! I have to get my ass in gear because it’s been due to be finished for a while now. And I’m gonna do it I am!

The performance I did seemed to go well, except for a technical glitch that made the video stop for like, five or ten minutes. Awkward. We finished with the backup file, which didn’t have the best sound mix on it but at least it was something. I’m still going to turn it into a stand alone video.

Extractions Performance

Here is a photo from it!

The Whitney Biennial is coming up, so soon! It’s weird to be like, featured at the end of the exhibition, when all these people get to have their art scrutinized for months and months! Ha ha omg and my videos that are in it are temporarily down from the internet for contractual reasons. So I’ll be like, down there to party all sober like the teetotaler I am without even being able to point to some art and say “That’s mine!” at the openings. My friends ARE coming down to hang with me tho at the openings which is super exciting, I think we’re gonna be so cute. And I still have a plus one if I want to take a girlfriend but I don’t think any of my romantic/sexy intrigues are in a place where that is possible right now. BUT I will be going back to New York in September and who knows maybe something more serious will have developed by then.

OKAY now I will make a post for the doc episode I directed, “Susan.” Ha ha by the time you read this you will have seen that.