I was overdrawn this morning and checked and my cheque went through for my name change. I put borrowed money in it right away thanks to my Mom and then later the bank gave me a five dollar NSF PAID fee, so it’s fine now. I am relieved! It’s been a long time since I put the package in the mail and the postal code had issues and I was starting to wonder if some stranger in Thunder Bay had my long form birth certificate and this big package instead of Vital Statistics. BUT no, they got it, it’s fine! I also heard about how any tiny error in the form could make them send it back. So I was worried about that too, like what if I wrote something wrong? I had my friend who’s a lawyer look at it and sign it before it went off, but I was still nervous. It’s fine though! I am really a Theo Jean Cuthand now. Now I have to update all my other stuff. I need to change my gender on my birth certificate too. And I was born in a different province than I live in now so it’s a whole thing to do this. And Saskatchewan doesn’t seem to have easy options to speed up sending me a new birth certificate. Which means I am cutting it close for getting my passport in time for some work in NY in a couple of months. I really hope all goes well. I need to also get my doctor to sign a form and write a letter for the gender stuff but now I think I need it in my new name so that’s all confusing. It will get sorted. It’s just that there’s stuff I need to do. I do a lot of work in the USA and I haven’t been able to travel this fall/winter after Buenos Aires when I sent in this form. SO I just want it sorted so I can do gigs there again.

BUT I see the end of this process now. I have to update my stuff all in a specific way before I can get my passport, so I’m just going to methodically go through this process and by the end of it I will have a passport and drivers license etc with my real name on it and my real gender. I think it will help me out. Like border agents won’t side eye me for being trans. Or they still could but I pass more easily now so the goal is just to go through the border without much issue. I know things like TSA will still suck cause their magic machine is gonna alert them that I don’t have a cock. I DO but it’s petite and tucked away! It’s big for my demographic but small for cis guy demographics I guess. Although I know there’s a group of micropenis-having cis men out there so I’m probably not the only one getting dinged for not having a big enough penis. I don’t know, TSA is weird. I think something not being there shouldn’t trigger a patdown. Like what are they looking for? The invisible bomb in my pants? That doesn’t make any sense!

Anyway I’m really happy my name change went through. I gotta update it with my co-op too I guess. I’m gonna spend ages looking for all the places that still have my old name. It was a cool old name, like it had a Z in it that is pretty sweet I think. But it’s not my name anymore and doesn’t fit me. And now legally it really isn’t my name anymore. I kept most of my old name, like the first two letters of my first name and then the other two names are the same except I pronounce Jean in the masculine French way. OH my therapist can finally put my whole name on my receipts! We’ve been doing TJ Cuthand for a while in case CRA doesn’t accept the receipts. But now it will be fine!

I gotta do the bank and all that too, and Indian Affairs. And I don’t know if I also have to contact my rez to change my name or if Indian Affairs will do it on their end. I feel like my rez should know though because sometimes they give us money, and I don’t know if they will generate the band list all the time based on Indian Affairs. It’s confusing. I wish it was easier to change my name with everything. Once I get my birth certificate and passport issued in my new name and gender, I will feel better and not so stressed. Those are the main ones. I can change my drivers license and health card sooner because I just need to have my name change certificate and a letter from my doctor. My drivers license was gonna need to get renewed this year anyway. And ditto for my Status Card. Status cards take months to process though, so that will be a while. But I only use it at the pharmacy, and the pharmacy can probably still use my registration number until then.

I ordered some business cards in my final name also, so now I don’t have to give out all these TJ/Deadname business cards I had. I can put it on my baggage tag too.

Also once all that is changed I can change my Aeroplan account so I can use my points for a trip. If I do this right I still might be able to have a birthday vacation this year. That would be at the end of April and I’m sure by then I will have my passport, if not sooner.

I haven’t really thought about a birthday vacation destination yet. Everything has been so up in the air. I was almost hoping my name change didn’t go through, so that I didn’t have to do all this other work to update ID. BUT now the biggest hurdle is completed, I just gotta keep going and updating all the stuff.

I am Theo Jean Cuthand!

I’ve got a puppy coming! Next Monday I’m gonna pick up my new dog, tentatively named Todd after Todd Haynes, my fave director. He’s a cute little brown sable boy and so pretty and I met him last night and he was so small and sweet, but I don’t get my grant until Friday so I had to move Gotcha day to next Monday. PLUS I have a bunch of things to do this weekend out of the house and it wouldn’t be fair for Baby Todd to be left alone that much so young. But after that I am spending more time at home to be with Baby Todd and teach him things he needs to know. I am hoping Posey gets along with him and learns to share my affection again, like she did when Little Mister was alive. She’s seemed to like being an only dog but also I remember when my Furbo worked I would see her cuddling with Little Mister when I was out of the house and now she has no one to cuddle with when I am gone. So I think she would also like a new friend.

I ordered some other things I need for him and now it’s just a matter of puppy proofing the house. I gotta figure out how to hide these wires. Or make them not so appealing. I am gonna try and have lots of things for him to chew on. And I gotta make sure Posey still feels loved.

To be honest I think part of the reason I waited so long to get another dog was because I was hoping a partner would show up and want to move in and already had a dog. But ALSO the timing just wasn’t great. I was traveling a lot, expecting to do lots of work, etc. But with my name change going through I’m not going anywhere for a while. So that’s ok, I can raise my little boy to be a good dog citizen. He’s so small I think his first jacket is gonna be a cut up sock. I’m nervous I will squish him so I’m gonna have to be careful keeping track of where he’s hanging out. Also Posey goes under the couch all the time so he probably will too and I gotta make sure nothing bad is under there.

AND ALSO I just discovered a lump on Posey’s face today, near her ear. She’s going to see the vet next week anyway but now they will probably also have to do a biopsy. Hopefully it’s just a weird old dog lump. Most dog lumps tend to be not an issue. Little Mister had a lipoma for a number of years that never did anything bad to him except make him feel lumpy. But I gotta check!

I also got my nails done on the weekend which was exciting. I was putting it off because I wanted more masculine dude points with naked hands. BUT whatever I like pretty sparkly things AND I’m a boy ok sue me for wanting to be pretty. Ha ha ha.

I think I wrote here about a realization earlier in my transition when I realized thinking I looked ugly before was my dysphoria talking because I was wanted to be more dude shaped than I was for most of my life. And now that I’ve transitioned further and had top surgery and feel more comfortable in my body, I notice I get a lot of attention on apps and stuff. Which is nice! SOMETIMES anyway (when it’s not unwanted or from weirdos). I mean I am sure some of them are chasers. But also a lot of them just call me handsome or hot and stuff and it feels genuine in a way. And there’s someone I like who calls me a hunk which is always super sweet to hear.

It might also be that I’m more confident now. Also I did get a gym habit last year, and started doing boxing classes again. So that’s fun! I actually never thought I would like exercising. I hated P.E. when I was a kid/teen. It was always learning how to play competitive sports which I suck at because I’m a loser and hate that feeling ha ha. But just doing weight lifting and cardio is cool, and testosterone made my body change which was amazing to watch. And boxing is fun because I do recreational boxing so I’m not actually whaling on someone. And I’m not putting myself at risk of head injuries. Plus I bought gloves a while back and finally get to use them.

My facial hair is doing a thing, but so so so wispy that I’ve been shaving it off more frequently. It’s just like, mostly in the places I was hoping it would be, but it’s just thin still. And I don’t like putting on make up on it because I still mask in some places like public transit and I don’t want it to smudge my face up. It could still be coming! I will probably throw a party the first time I notice one of them turns into a terminal hair.

I’m excited that Posey and I get to have a new friend move in. Todd! He might end up with a different name but when I met him he seemed like a Todd. Plus I already ordered his name tag, so he better be a Todd! He was so calm and sweet and friendly. I’m looking forward to the challenge of raising a puppy again.

PLUS He was born exactly TEN years to the day that Posey was born. So what does that mean?! They have the exact same birthday. I hope it means they were meant to be sibs. But also Little Mister was a Taurus and I am a Taurus and Posey is a Scorpio and now there’s gonna be TWO Scorpios in my house, the balance has shifted! Water sign dogs. And I’m dating a water sign. So many water signs!! My sister is one too so that’s probably why I like them. My Dad is ALSO a Scorpio. OMFG that’s a lot. My mom is an Earth sign so that is grounding.

Ha ha do you want to hear the cutest water sign story I have? When my sister was a kid she used to practice crying. Like she would get a mirror and look in it and make herself look sad. And then she would GET sad because she looked SO SAD that she would start crying for real. Ha ha omg.

I think I have to talk to my therapist about the parasocial relationship people have with me. Usually I don’t think about it much. But sometimes people get kind of obsessed and I have to unfriend/block/whatever. I generally am fine. But I felt really sexually harassed over the last few weeks by a fb “friend” I had to unfriend and I was just being super avoidant and shut down in how I was responding to the situation because it made me so uncomfortable. I should have unfriended them sooner to be honest. So far I haven’t had to block them. But out of curious I checked who was on my block list on FB and it was a lot of people including a lot of women who were behaving sexually inappropriately with me. And it’s not like they were exes, my exes have all generally been kind enough to be respectful and not harass me after break ups. They were mostly women who knew my social media presence and got kind of obsessed and behaving in ways that made me uncomfortable, especially because the obsession seemed to be romantic in nature, and based purely off my online persona and not who I am as a person in real life.

I know parasocial relationships are just a thing people with big online/media presences have. But I wish people would be cooler about it and not try to insert themselves into my life in creepy ways. If I’m open to a romantic connection with someone meeting me online I would much rather be approached in a respectful way and it seems a lot of people just are too horny to be respectful. I don’t know. I don’t know why this happens. I guess I am revealing a lot of information that makes people think we are acquainted when really the reality is it has to go both ways for that to be reciprocal.

I don’t know. I hope my therapist can help me work out my feelings about that. Talking about things like fame in the context of also constantly waiting to get paid seems kinda weird. I think my prayers when I was a kid to be rich and famous focused too much on the famous part and not enough on the rich. What luxury it would be to be rich and obscure! All that money and not one DM trying to get in my pants.

Someone told me that when Quentin Crisp was alive he was listed in the phone book and was amenable to people just calling him up and going to visit him. Like strangers. WOW! I can’t imagine that now, but at the same time it is kind of true for a lot of us because social media is frequently how people find me for work gigs and stuff. Like yeah I guess technically you could just message me on Instagram and ask something. BUT ALSO I get a lot of messages and can’t always keep up, or sometimes I just log in to send cute memes to a cutie I like and then go on with my day.

I’m not constantly available and even the times I am totally single I am not romantically available to just anyone. It’s very frustrating to have people make me uncomfortable because they feel close to me when I have no idea who they are and have no previous interactions with them.

I think I also worry about introducing partners to The Internet. I had one girlfriend who didn’t want any acknowledgement of our relationship online because she didn’t want The Internet to know. At the time I was kind of hurt, but she is also someone with a higher profile in terms of Queer world fame, so it makes a lot of sense now. I know people would have Thoughts to express about it and that would be weird. It’s over with her now and I’m still not going to name her because that’s our business.

But also I would like to be able to share a cute couple pic someday with me and whoever, when someone is ready for The Thoughts that people might have.

I had one girlfriend I mentioned on my FB and 200 people liked that post and I think it weirded her out so she broke up with me a couple weeks later. See I don’t want that! I’m almost tempted to do a slow reveal someday where this person is just kind of always lurking in the background of my posts and then finally one day surprise this is my sweetheart!

I wish I could talk to more people about what it’s like dating as a famous but poor person, or even just what it’s like to have so many people so familiar with so many things. I know in some ways I did this to myself because I wanted to see what it was like having personal things in public like this. But I still deserve respectful messages when people message me. And I still deserve to date people who aren’t overwhelmed by the people who think they know me. I’ve spent a lot of time with this blog specifically and my friends and family trying to figure out ok boundaries and stuff and I do my best. It’s why this blog has such a naval gazing feel to it, because people don’t like it when you talk about them online.

I held off on posting a new post at the end of the year because one, I was trying to get more people to hit the link to download my video game, and two, I was very high most of New Year’s Eve. Having all kinds of thoughts that I thought would probably cause problems if I freely wrote about them here while high.

So I am high again BUT not as high because there’s no edibles today and my thoughts are a bit more ruly than they were at NYE/NYD.

I made myself a Dutch Baby pancake for New Year’s Day breakfast and some beef tenderloin and au gratin potatoes and broccolini for dinner. It was a nice chill day but a lot of dishes needed to be washed. Maybe I can stay on top of that chore this year. 30% of my domestic problems would be solved if I washed the dishes on a more consistent basis. I would feel free to cook more for one thing, instead of ordering in all the time. I would like to bake more too. I was gonna bake a pie on Christmas but I had no flour. So I got flour for NYE but when I went to make the crust I didn’t have white vinegar. And then I thought I would make myself a consolation Baked Bannock, but I had no baking powder so that idea was destroyed too. Basically it’s just been a very long time since I have baked and I need to sort myself out again with supplies.

I don’t know if I was avoiding baking because I didn’t think it was masculine. I know I was avoiding some things I like because it makes it easier to pass as a man without them. Like I miss my gel nails but I haven’t done that partially because of poverty but also because I’m a faggot and not used to being hated as a faggot instead of hated as a dyke. So I AM going to do them but I’m just not ready yet. I do like baking though and also it has a great byproduct, being baked goods. Which are always great! Even a consolation bannock would have been amazing. But I just haven’t baked much this last while. BUT ALSO baking is just like, not a gendered thing. It’s ridiculous that people even go there with it. What makes putting dough in a hot oven and cooking a pastry feminine? It could be a real butch little pastry for all you know, like a tourtière is pretty butch isn’t it? It’s a goddamn meat pie, Sweeney Todd made them out of people. How much more masculine could you get than a little Québécois meat pie?

I wasn’t gonna make a meat pie tho, I was just gonna make a cherry pie.

BUT on the other hand, I still have almost all the ingredients for a cherry pie that I could make at any time. And not so much toxic gender ideology like “You’re a fag for baking!” Although I am a fag but because I suck cock sometimes, not because I bake.

I went to the gym today for the first time this year. It went pretty good, I upped my weight on a few exercises, and tried the declining bench press with dumbbells, which is supposed to be good for the lower half of my pecs. I’m trying to get some perky muscleboobs. I am gonna go to the gym again this week and then on the weekend I am going to boxing class. Which has been going well, I am getting into the groove of it again. I’m not sure lifting weights and boxing goes together. I don’t want to end up all musclebound and not able to throw a decent punch. I don’t know I suppose if things go awry I will notice. I don’t really know if muscles would hinder me, it’s not like I box competitively.

Posey and I have been hanging out all holidays. It’s not really been 100% Holiday time over here. I had work to get through over the holidays, along with trying to post my video game different places to get downloads. And I don’t know if Christmas is a good time to launch a video game, probably a lot of people didn’t have money because of Christmas. Although it is free. But also people were busy. I did appreciate the people who downloaded it though! Thanks so much for playing it!

I need to make another gameplay trailer because I realize some of the features that ended up being in it aren’t in the current trailer. Like there’s a noise when she bites people that is kind of cute. So I gotta redo it, but I’m just like UGH my computer slows down so much when I record my game play in Unity and it’s really aggravating. Also just because I have to play the game doing all the cute things to show how fun it is. But also because it’s so slow, I don’t get accurate time reading the text dialogue, so when I play the recording back the text changes too fast to read. But it works fine in the game. Anyway I guess I will try to record this again tomorrow.

So I have work, video game marketing work, and a meeting tomorrow. That’s all just work. I feel jelly of the people who still have this week off. At the same time I needed to make money! At the same time I’m not getting paid until the third week of January so I’m living on fumes until then trying to continue plugging away at eventual money making work. BUT ALSO maybe tomorrow I will go get baking powder and vinegar and make a pie or a bannock or both! I have to do my laundry tomorrow too. SO MUCH WORK. I guess I have skills so that’s nice, but they need to be compensated in a better way. A more timely way!

If you want to download my video game it is here:

You can now download my video game Carmilla the Lonely!

It’s free but honestly donations are great in this increasingly more and more capitalist world. Especially because you know it will all go to me who is usually broke!

Have so much fun playing it!

I didn’t get my artist fee from my distributor which makes me wonder if my bank information is even correct over there. They could be sending it to someone else’s account, I don’t know! I sent them an email and got an autoresponse that they won’t be back until the middle of January. So that sucks. I have been asking my mom for money and I’m just tired of it and FINALLY my rent cheque went through and didn’t bounce, but with all the things autopaying out of my account I can’t reliably be sure I am going to have the rent at any time. Like I will have it sit in there and all these things autopay and take it. It’s frustrating. I was hoping to get paid my first payment from a gig, but found out today I won’t get it until late January. My Toronto Art Council grant likely won’t be deposited until January so that’s not gonna save me either. I also have to find money for rent again soon for January.

I made an appointment with the bank for Thursday so I can take out what is left of my RSP, but that won’t go through for like, a week. But at least it would give me hopefully enough to pay my rent. Which isn’t even a lot compared to Toronto rents, but I’m still dead broke and no one is in a hurry to pay me.

I did talk about this on my facebook though and some friends sent me enough money that I could get some groceries. Which is good because I was like, down to eggs and cheese. But I’m still poor and there’s still things I need to do. I have some money on my transit pass at least, so I don’t have to worry about that yet. And a goodfood box is coming for me on Thursday and it has nice things in it, so hopefully that helps. I still need to get a chicken for Christmas dinner, but I’m hoping to do that on Saturday so it doesn’t sit around for too long. I also need a panetone. Is that how many n’s pannetone has? I feel like it’s wrong. Maybe it needs two t’s. I don’t know I’m hungry and can’t spell. I did have cheesy eggs tho so I’m not like, as miserable as I was earlier today.

I HATE POVERTY! And I hate when people take weeks to process payments. And I hate poverty Christmases! I called the food bank and made an appointment, hoping I could get something soon, but I can’t go until January 12th. So I’m glad my friends sent me money but also it really shouldn’t be like this. People/Corporations/Funders legit owe me thousands of dollars but I can’t access it at all until mid to late January. What’s the point? Even fucking welfare makes sure to pay people just before Christmas, even tho that usually fucks them over when January comes. It just is all awful and I’m bummed out that I supposedly have a career but at the same time was gonna research where to get a free Christmas dinner, and was wondering about panhandling just so I could afford to eat something.

ALSO of course I have to pay this ridiculous developer membership so that Apple will notarize my video game, and it just seems like a cynical money grab. All it has to do is process something ONCE and that is it. I’m probably going to cancel it as soon as I’m done with it. But it’s causing me to wait to release my game and it pisses me off. AHHHHH. I hate it. And I hate that I have to get rid of the last of my savings just so I can pay January rent. And I hate that I’ve been working on a feature film for years and no one is funding it. It just feels unjust. I’ve also been sidelined in a project I did this past year because the producer was laterally violent towards me and I had to cut them off from accessing me. So now the co-director of that project gets all the credit in all the publicity, even though I wrote and directed almost half the project. But I just can’t let people be violent towards me in my work life, I will not accept it. It’s too bad because it was a good project. But whatever, I can’t fix the world. I can just struggle lol.

I guess this is where I should write that I’m grateful for something because Christmas blah blah blah. I am grateful for my friends and family. But also really disappointed and tired of struggling and tired of lateral violence. So yeah if you wonder “Theo worked on that project I wonder why he’s not in any of the publicity?” It’s because I’ve been excluded on purpose.

I am in this weird twilight period of being poor but also expecting thousands of dollars to be deposited. It’s coming I swear to god! Today I walked to the corner store and got two cans of beans so I have something to eat with my wieners, and I remembered Lumpy Space Princess and her beans. One time when I was also poor (ha ha funny how common that experience is for me) I was partying with this guy I met through his girlfriend I was Livejournal friends with and we were up all night (on drugs) and then walked to the gas station to get something to eat and he like, bought a can of kidney beans. That is poor! I also ate those kidney beans. Poor people.

But these beans are great (also baked beans which is better than kidney beans) and also amazing because I will eventually have access to enough money to get groceries. But I checked my old emails and the last time I got a TAC grant approval in Dec, it didn’t get deposited until late January. AHHHH fuck. I mean for tax reasons maybe that’s good, but also my accountant knows how to transfer a grant to the following year so it kind of doesn’t matter. Ahhh did I pay his retainer? Shit I should check!

I am getting closer to releasing my video game. I have three things to do: Fix the credits, get App notarized by Apple, and make an app Icon so it is more visible as an app than that little blank App icon you automatically get. I know how to do the credits but I don’t know how to do the other two things. But I’m gonna learn I guess! The same as all the other technical things I had to relentlessly google to solve.

I took a break to go do work and I’m happy to say there is now an app icon for my game, and also I’m on the way to figuring out how to get this notarized, and also the credits are done! I just need to import these files again and replace the old files and then also figure out how to use these Unity DevOps tools to finish notarizing. And then build my app and test it and see if I can break it. I kind of don’t worry about glitchy things. Like I think you might be able to kill someone if you get to the door before the stake gets to you, which I have done accidentally. It’s a good trick I’m not pressed about it. That person just shows up again when you come back to the level. I also need to make the door triggers smaller so you don’t get automatically sucked in so easily. BUT I think after that it’s ready. I missed the Halloween window of releasing a game, but hopefully some people want to buy their loved one a weird video game for Christmas or Hanukkah. It’s not gonna be ready for Hanukkah though. BUT maybe Christmas.

I honestly thought making the app icon would be too hard, but it was ridiculously easy. Just like the other day when I put captions on some videos and also discovered that was easy. This is the icon:

I think it looks awesome. Originally I was going to go with Carmilla’s Head, but I think the fangs look way better. The fangs were the first things I drew for the game. And they only show up on the start/quit scene. And also more immediately identifiable as a Vampire mouth. Also it’s a sexy vampire mouth. Also the design is just really nice. ALSO I just hope it makes people want to play it. I think my Bipolar Journey video game got taken offline, so I think I’m going to try and do a new release of that in an easier place to download. Also I can also finally make an app icon for it which would be nice.

I’m making a few newish but older videos public, so you can go check my video page if you want to see the others. But anyway I thought I should try and hype this video up a bit because it is really popular on the festival/class talk circuit and I am pretty proud of it. Spoiler: the eggs never became embryos, which I talk about in another video called 13 Eggs (which is on private but if you want a password to see it please ask). But this is still an important video even though time has passed.

Anyway today I finally started putting captions on my videos. I hadn’t done it for so long! And I had a bunch of srt files just hanging around waiting, YEARNING, to be put on my videos so more people can access them. Unfortunately they aren’t ALL there, and some of them are really random. Like captions in German or Spanish and not English captions. Things like that. I am getting grant money soon tho and I’m going to try and make more English captions with REV because it’s built into Vimeo now if I want. The translations really depend on where my videos get screened and if the org makes subs for them. Often they do, and I do play in a lot of different countries, so it’s gonna be an ongoing project to include them now that I know how fucking easy it is to add captions to Vimeo. Also a lot of newer work was translated into Spanish when I was in Buenos Aires, so I’m hoping to get those srt files.

I also started a Ko-fi, which is definitely helpful because I think people are amenable to tossing a few dollars my way if they see one of my videos and like it, but less into signing up for a monthly Patreon subscription. I think five dollars is cheap though, I wish people could pay more. I know there’s the option though if they really want to send more money. And putting in five dollars makes people not feel so cheap I guess because it’s framed as a tip. I don’t know I guess I’ll see how it goes! So far no donations, but I’ve been seeing people follow me on Vimeo more recently so I tried to put the Ko-fi link on most of my videos.

I also figured out how to finally change my name in all the places on Vimeo so it’s a little less sketchy when I go there. Because dragging around the history of my deadname feels like being weighed down. So that’s good. I don’t really care if I see it lots of places, but the places I have control over I would like to be accurate.

I was gonna go to the gym today, but I don’t have money for my YMCA membership because I’m waiting for grant money to get deposited and also trying to keep my rent money in there so the rent cheque doesn’t bounce a SECOND time this month. It already bounced because I was 71 dollars short. And then I borrowed money from my mom and Visa took all of it by force with the banks permission, so I had to borrow AGAIN. Omg. It’s hell. I know money is coming but this just sucks. FREAKING HELL.

I also decided against continuing to write a grant for Ontario Creates. It was just a lot more work than I was prepared for, and also I want to apply for Canada Council money for that project later and I don’t know if that is still eligible or if it turns into a Corporate project. And I much prefer making video games that are art projects more than corporate projects. So yeah, that took a bunch of work off my schedule and frees me up to do my actual creative work and a short term gig I have.

Carmilla the Lonely is much closer to being able to release. I just need to finish the credits and then figure out how to notarize it with Apple so it will open on Macs instead of triggering the automatic Apple Malware alert. So yeah, a lot of work but honestly much less than before. I resolved most of the issues that came up in testing so I think it plays better. Also it’s harder to get blood because you need consent which was important to the idea of the video game.

Also Christmas is coming! I am spending it alone. Well, not totally alone, my faithful little hound will be with me. I’m looking forward to cheese plates and chocolates.

Anyway here is my Ko-fi!
https://ko-fi.com/theocuthand

I went to the Governor General Awards this weekend to see my Mom and my Auntie Lori get their Governor General Awards. It was a pretty cute scene. They had four years of awards to get through because they paused doing the in person awards ceremony during the pandemic. We got to sit in Rideau Hall and the award winners went up and someone read part of the nomination for them and then they got to see the Governor General Mary Simon who gave them their award and took a photo. It was in this wild room that was made to look like a tent, a pink and white tent. And there was a big painting of the Coronation of Queen Victoria at the front of the room.

My Mom asked permission to hug the Governor General and then they hugged which was really sweet. It’s not against protocol apparently. It took a while to get through everyone but the whole event was very joyful which was nice. Then we got fed some fancy foods. There were all kinds of little desserts too. And then we did a tour of Rideau Hall, except for the upstairs because that’s where the private residence is. But we got to see the rooms they would meet people in or keep their art works. And we got to see the Greenhouse which was also very cool. So many orchids! Doing way better than my orchids.

My mom asked the guards about the guards out front with bearskin hats and apparently it’s Grizzly bearskin and they dye the fur black. I always wondered! Because Black Bear fur is not as thick as those hats seem to be.

I got to see lots of friends and my cousin Bianca also and it was just a nice occasion. Also I got to see my Mom which was nice.

After there was a party but we were too tired so instead we went to LL Bean where I got a new winter coat and Mom got some winter fleece lined pants. But I discovered later that LL Bean didn’t take out the security tag! So blahhh I got back to Toronto and didn’t want to look for my receipt (I don’t even know if I still have it) so I wrecked a fork trying to take the security tag out of the pocket and then finally gave up and cut a small hole to remove it. I am meaning to sew the hole shut (and it’s in my pocket so it’s not visible) but we’ll see how the executive dysfunction works and if I can get to it in a timely manner before losing an airpod into the lining.

Anyway now I’m back in Toronto. I am very tired because I got up early this morning and went to boxing class for noon and I exercised real hard and now I feel all achey. I used a heating pad to try and soothe myself but I think I need to do it again. I really want to be able to go back to the gym this week too because I like lifting weights.

People were pretty good about my name and pronouns at the Governor General Awards weekend which was nice, and people who messed up apologized which was kind. I actually misgendered myself when I introduced myself to the Governor General. I said “I’m Ruth’s daught-SON!” and she was just like “Ok” and I said nice to meet her and then I think I ran off because I was hungry. Even me!

Also I got to wear a suit at the Governor General Awards and it was really interesting. I was always so sure it would be way too hot, but it was fine. I could have wore it all day but I changed when we got back to the hotel. This was the first time I wore the suit for an actual event so that was nice. I have a grey suit jacket too but not the pants. I think I’m gonna try and get the pants tho so I have two full suits. The pants in my blue suit though are too big.

Most of my clothes are too big now, since my body shape changed and I lost some weight. A lot of my shirts are 2X and I’m XL to L now. Also a lot of shirts were deliberately baggy to hide my chest and now I want my chest to be more visible as a flat and hopefully soon to be muscly chest. I spent a LOT of money when I was in the Whitney Biennial and upgraded my wardrobe, and now I have to slowly build up my wardrobe in the right size again.

I got a Toronto Art Council grant to make a video about my transition and how political trans issues have gotten recently and so hopefully that will let me get some new jeans so I have pants that fit. Tight shirts are also on the list!

I’m going to Ottawa tomorrow to see my Mom and my Auntie Lori both get their Governor General Awards in Visual Art. There’s a lot of people getting them because they have to get through all the people who won them during the pandemic. So it should be a time. I think it’s a luncheon. I hope they have fancy sandwiches. Or something! I’m gonna wear my suit for the first time. Although I wore it for a documentary, but only because they specifically asked me to wear the suit. BUT this will be my first official event wearing it. I also am gonna have to spend some time Friday morning learning how to tie a tie again. I meant to learn and practice (and I have done it a few times in my life) but I didn’t practice. Because to be honest other things seemed more pressing. But now I will probably look a little lopsided in the photos. Unless I get it perfectly, you never know.

Side note of fun thing before I get into sad things: I’ve been noticing this cool thing when I touch my nipples where they are still numb but the memory of what my nipples felt like just comes to mind, so it kind of helps feel like there is sensation. Like a ghost sensation! It’s not an actual physical sensation, it’s more like a memory of a sensation. But it’s nice, I hope someday to feel more but also hope lovers don’t stay away from them because it could help me reconfigure the way I feel in my body. If that makes sense.

I’m doing a lot of internal processing about my life and also the things happening in the world and also concerns about friends of mine and their safety. Every time I open Instagram there’s some new sad video from Gaza that breaks my heart in a new way. Today I saw a video of a mother holding her small dead son and saying she had 580 injections to have him. It was heart-wrenching. I only did one round of IVF and that was so hard on my body and emotions, I can’t imagine going through that so many times and then finally having a long sought after child only to have him be murdered by a brutal war. And this was just one video today, there’s so many other videos of so many other heartaches, thousands and thousands.

AND I watched a report about sexual violence and murder on Oct 7th and that was brutal too. You can look it up if you want but the details are really disturbing so be warned. I feel a responsibility to be conscious of the events which lead to all this. And yeah I know there’s a long history of occupation behind this as well so the events go way back. But if I was a survivor or close to someone who died or was assaulted or kidnapped in that attack I think I would be really upset at how there wasn’t really space to grieve it before all kinds of hellish things started happening to the other side. None of it has been okay.

AND ALSO just the two sides thing is weird because so many other countries are involved in this situation, like Canada itself supports Israel and I really criticize that because this bombing is relentless and genocidal. I know some people don’t like the words genocide or colonialism but it does look like that from my position as the survivor of a long range genocidal and colonial project. But really like why is Canada supporting this? (And side note why did we send military gear to Saudi Arabia a while back?) Why are we totally enabling brutal war crimes and repression? I know the real answer is that those are Canadian values according to how our government operates. Like yeah we pretend to be a polite country but there’s also military and police repression of Indigenous activists here. So it’s not an innocent country. Not to mention what our mining companies do abroad.

And I also see that there are things governments of countries want, and things their citizens want, and those things are often not aligned. And we have this pretence of democracy but really governments aren’t going to listen to their citizens, they are listening to larger forces like war profiteers who have good lobbyists and fossil fuel CEOs who give money to their campaigns and so on. It’s just frustrating. We’re also at this point in history where large quantities of money are concentrated into a small group of people, some of whom have batshit ideas like Elon Musk and his exploding cars and his “let’s not have safety glass” decisions.

AND it probably sounds so weird but really I’m just thinking fuck this would be the worst time ever to go manic.

I haven’t been manic since 2007, unless you count the mild hypomanias I’ve had which were just me being unusually happy. BUT MANIA omg. First thing of all is that I almost always try to start a revolution when I am manic, and that just ends up a big mess. Especially because no one wants to follow a revolutionary who is getting messages from pop songs and the television. Or I don’t know maybe they do now. Maybe people just want someone to take the wheel because Jesus isn’t cutting it. Ha ha omg. NO really though I am often embarrassed afterwards by my manifestos and all that ephemera from mania. I once had a burning where I burned all my stuff from my first mania. AND THEN three months later I was manic so yeah. Made more memories! Wheee!

But so far so good, haven’t been manic, going to sleep at a reasonable hour, I’m not sending tons of emails to people. I haven’t tracked down exes to send them mix tapes or whatever. I am being responsible and trying to stay aware of current events and hopefully not spin off into another world much to the chagrin of my friends and family. I have never had a psychosis in Toronto and I really hope I don’t. It’s just that people look at you different, or sometimes they think you’re like, forever broken and always gonna be manic. But really it usually resolves with meds and an unfortunate long depression. But being depressed AND embarrassed by all the things that happen while manic is a horrible feeling.

So yeah, trying to stay sane right now which I feel is something most of us are feeling. It’s a very distressing time. And then the rise of Islamophobia and Antisemitism is extremely disturbing. That war is far from Canada and yet it really is impacting people here. And also I just think about white supremacists and how much they must love this moment and how much recruiting they are trying to do. I’m trying to be more conscious of things I share on social media because I don’t want to share straight up propaganda for either side. I don’t know, I know things are going in a really bad direction and I have a lot of friends who are more directly affected by antisemitism and Islamophobia that I want to keep safe. I also think about how activists are getting criminalized here in Toronto specifically but also broadly in the world.

I’ve been called an activist. I don’t know if I feel like one. I think I have Opinions but I don’t know if they are helpful. They’re really not helpful here except now you know how fucked up I feel by this situation. I do know I have a bit of a public figure standing which means more people hear my Opinions. But it’s just hard for me, I am a questions person more than an answers person. And hopefully other people have answers but I really don’t, except that there should be a ceasefire and Palestinians deserve to stay in their lands. I do not have answers about how to resolve this though, it’s bigger and older than me.

I’ve been talking with my therapist about it all and she helped me get some new perspectives. Which I appreciate.

I just want a kinder more just world. And some days that seems very out of reach.

Anyway tomorrow I am going to Ottawa to see my Mom and my Auntie get their awards, and wear a suit, and maybe I can shake my fist at Parliament Hill as we go past it. My dog has a friend coming to stay with her. I’m generally safe and secure and warm and things do generally work out for me. I got a Toronto Art Council grant to make a video about my transition and how political things have gotten around trans people. So that’s good, I feel supported by my community. I have another grant I am working on now, and am going to hear from another grant next year. Just a lot of struggle trying to get my money situation back in a good place. I’ve been dodging calls from CRA but I have to call them next week and make a payment plan again. Being responsible! Ugh. How did I become an adult?