In which I say I’m not gonna talk about therapy then do it anyway

Therapy day was today. YAY! Ha ha! I am not gonna talk all about here what I talk about there. Obviously. And I don’t really talk about here what I talk about in my very secret diary, because really it’s just interpersonal stuff there. BUT I will say that I’m relieved I have gotten a therapist who is open minded about things like me being at the bathhouse and polyamory stuff and all kinds of random queer shit I have going on at any point in my life. It’s easier to work through things when someone is non-judgemental about that stuff.

I remember once I had a counselor I was trying to talk to about a relationship I was in at the time, and I mentioned someone else that person was dating. I forget if their other partner at the time was a woman or a man, but ultimately it doesn’t matter, because the fact they were dating someone else made everything really suspect. And it turned into this very uncomfortable lecture about how the only healthy relationships are monogamous. And I realized then and there I suddenly COULD NOT talk about my relationships with this counselor, because she just wouldn’t understand. And that is a pretty major part of anyone’s life.

To be real, I could do monogamy as easily as polyamory. I’ve only ever done polyamorous relationships so far though, just because they tend to be more common in the circles I run in. BUT YEAH I would like to be able to talk about things like this with my therapist. So I am glad I have one who is decent about it.

She’s not even judgey about psychics. I was trying to to say something about visiting this psychic and wondering if it was real and maybe I’m just in control of my destiny because not everything she said would happen has happened. And my therapist was just like “Maybe psychics have some good points AND you are in control of your destiny.” I dunno, she’s just a really good therapist for me.

She always gives me goals after and I write them down and then lose the paper. I’m worried someone’s gonna find it someday and be like “Why do you have to talk to these two people? Why are you needing to write letters to exes? Why do you need a reminder to eat breakfast and go to bed? What is this about?” And I’d probably grab it and eat it in front of them just to throw them off asking such invasive questions.

Or I’d yell “It’s therapy homework, Nosey!”

The funny thing is one person has been therapy homework for almost three months about trying to repair a wounded relationship with them (non-romantic). And I tried a few times and it really failed in a sad way, not a complete Door Closing way but more like a go away for now way. And so anyway, they are on the therapy homework list again so I have some kind of accountability to continuing trying to repair this otherwise lovely friendship with someone I like. EXCEPT I think to repair it I have to dredge up unpleasant things, and that’s what’s holding me back because I’m like “Fuck that feels like a shitty thing to do to someone.” Like to bring up this painful thing and then be like “Let’s talk about it because I miss being your friend, even tho this is way more painful to you than it is to me.” I’m not an emotional sadist in any way, so it’s difficult.

I’m heading off this weekend for Montreal. So I’ve got to think and write my script. Which was my other therapy homework, to keep writing and finish by the end of the month. So that’s what I’m gonna do.

The dogs have already gone to the sitter. And I’ve been pretty sedentary the last few hours so I think I’m gonna do a pick up/sweep/floor wash to cap off my day.

Don’t Buy PC Brand “Raspberry Temptations” instead of real Peak Freans

Ha ha that’s not a hard and fast rule tho. BUT I did buy these off brand peak frean like cookies and they are very disappointing. The cookie crumbles too much instead of the satisfying snap of a Peak Frean. The raspberry jelly centre is too weird. 0/10 would not buy again. I also had a disappointing dry weird Jamaican patty today.

I wonder if it would make sense to talk about my relationship to food in this blog post?

I’ve got a weird relationship to food, in that I am PRETTY sure I have an eating disorder, or if not that then at least some kind of disordered eating. It’s somewhat related to my ADHD. Like I’ve just spent years where I have days that I forget to eat until later in the day. I’ve been trying to get better about it. I’m trying to eat breakfast, but there are still too many days where I start off the day with coffee and don’t get around to real food for a few hours. I will also have energy level problems, probably related to my bipolar disorder (and prob a couple other reasons like not eating right away!) and it makes it hard for me to buy and prepare food. I made accommodations for that by ordering out a lot, but it chews through my cash really fast, and I actually like my own cooking better than take out most of the time.

The thing is I LIKE food and eating and don’t really have issues with what I eat. I used to be heavy on the chips and things, but I’ve grown over the years to appreciate more proteins and things, like snacks of cheese and yogurt and stuff. I can have gluten fine, not really any allergies. I’m prediabetic so I have to watch my sugar intake, but I’ve been drinking diet drinks and stopped taking sugar in my coffee, and that seems to have helped make my blood sugar pretty normal. I don’t really have a lot of candy anymore. I still have pastries sometimes. Anyway, all of this is to say that the things I eat are fairly average and my grocery shopping has finally evolved to involve a decent spread of the food pyramid. I don’t know if the Canada Food Guide really knows what it’s talking about, but I’ve become a boring adult who likes meat and veggies and grains and things. I’m not counting calories, not deliberately not eating. I just got in a bad habit of not eating until later in the day.

I have to say though, I’m starting to get a bit better since I got on ADHD meds. I remember that food exists and I should probably use it to keep myself alive. I’m eating more often in the mornings (but not every morning yet). There aren’t any more days where I realize I have forgotten about dinner completely. Sometimes I eat dinner late at night, which I could still work on, but mostly I’ve been pretty good.

I’m a chubby chub, for those of you who don’t know what I look like, and I’ve been shrinking since I got on ADHD meds, but I still have a soft round tummy. It means a lot of people discount me when I try to talk about my disordered eating patterns. Because fatties don’t have eating disorders! That’s a thing for skinny people! And if you are a fatty with an eating disorder, it must be that you binge! But no! I’ve been my chubbiest when I’ve been really starving, it really doesn’t reflect what kind of calorie content I’m consuming. People are really ignorant about stuff like that. And even worse I have heard some doctors encourage fat people to exacerbate their eating disorders “to get healthier.”

Anyway. I can say my relationship to food is better. I’ve gone from having an abstract realization that I need to feed myself sooner in the day to more often being able to do that. Of course still lunches have been late, and I need to work on that. I snack but my snacks are less often chips and more often fruit or raisin toast or whatever. It’s also really important for my prediabetic body to have a more consistent blood sugar level. I’m not quite there yet, the part where I need to monitor it. But I still know I feel shitty and dizzy if it’s been too long since I ate.

Eating disorders/disordered eating are a really weird thing to talk about. Half the time when I mention them I just wait for the shitty comments to start. I’m trying not to take it personally, I know a huge percentage of the population has varied relationships with food that aren’t really positive/”healthy.” God can I just say I hate the word healthy when it comes to food and eating??? It’s really a shamey dichotomy where you either are or aren’t healthy. And people use it especially against fat people. And it has some class connotations. Like “poor people aren’t healthy” (which has a lot to do with not having the finances to purchase more expensive foods like vegetables and meats, and food deserts) but seems really like, putting a value judgement on them/us. And the fat shaming of people often uses the ideas of “health” as like “Well if they were healthy they would be allowed to have dignity and respect but they don’t obviously because they’re FAT so they don’t get any!” UGH so gross! So Health is a really shitty word in my opinion. If it didn’t have all this negative baggage I wouldn’t feel so bad about it.

What could I use instead of healthy to describe a good relationship with food and my body? Maybe positive? Or something about loving?

I like using the word loving to describe community and personal aspirations. I’m trying to divorce it from only being for romantic relationships and allow it to describe my care for my friends and community and the world and myself. And I think it is a bit more active of a relationship between my soul and all of those things than just having a “good” relationship. A loving relationship.

Anyway, I need to keep fostering a loving relationship between myself and my body and food. I’m not really outcome oriented about getting my eating to a better place. Like I don’t want to lose/gain weight (although if I do that is fine). I just want to feel like I have energy and didn’t forget to eat.

I literally have nothing to say today

You know, most of the time I come here to write as part of an exercise just to get things out of my head and onto a page so I can then go on and write scripts and things. It really does help, I recommend blogging to anyone who needs a dumping ground for words now and then. I know some people write really thoughtful blogs that have like, a thesis statement and an actual point, and sometimes I feel badly I don’t do that. These really aren’t essays, except for the few that are. Mostly I just like talking about things on my mind here, not really trying to make a salient point.

I’ve got until the end of the summer to get this draft of my script done, which is exciting and I know I have the time to do it, because I deliberately didn’t plan any other projects or things at this point in the year. I’ve got full time writing days ahead of me and it’s pretty cool.

I’ve been thinking about feeling like I have to justify being a big old weirdo these days. I’m sure no one really expects that of me, but it’s this weird abstract pressure I feel and I don’t know where it’s coming from. My old close friends definitely aren’t bothering me about needing to be something other than I am. And I am pretty sure newer friends are more interested in knowing me as I am other wise they wouldn’t be around either. And yet sometimes I feel deeply uncomfortable with this life I am living and the things I say and my weird dreams (as in actual dreams of the future, not my sleepy time dreams which are also weird anyway). And it’s not that I DON’T like this life I am living. I’m pretty lucky that I’ve been able to be a full time artist/writer. I have this totally enviable schedule that is so flexible, and yet also involves me doing a lot of work. I think it’s that my life does not match up with what society thinks people should be doing.

Like, I don’t have a burger flipping job I go to. I don’t have any kind of job with set defined hours and a physical location I have to go to. I don’t even do office work like I used to. People really hate that, because if THEY have to do it, you should too. BUT my work is different. It’s still work. It’s just not THAT kind of work. And I do have this sort of safety net of social assistance, BUT I haven’t had a payment in a few months because I’ve made enough on my own to be ok.

I think the other things that make me uncomfortable are just related to whatever weird shit I am doing on social media. Like sometimes I take it really seriously, and other times I am reposting memes and laughing my ass off at home over it. I don’t know, I know some people like whatever I do there, but then some people I am sure find me annoying. I sometimes worry I post too much, but then fuck this thing is really funny I can’t NOT post it right?

And also advice giving. People have been giving me a lot of advice lately, and sometimes I really like it, and other times I’m like why are you telling me this? It’s just weird. And some of it has to do with taking emotional risks and it makes me really second guess myself and get depressed over it. And some of it is just ridiculously not an issue, like about something I should try eating. I don’t feel grumbly about that kind at all. I just feel stressed when I have six different kinds of advice about one interpersonal thing and it’s all different and I know no matter what I do someone’s gonna be like “Oh oh oh! You should have listened to me or this terrible thing wouldn’t have happened!”

And the terrible things. The terrible things in the future. UGH! And it’s not even like they have happened yet, or even will happen. But they still loom, these shadows of possible misfortunes. Like getting the tower in a future position of a tarot reading and the reader going “ummmmm well now…”

The funny thing is that the first paragraph of this blog post is a total lie. I did have a point to this blog, which was to try and write my way into feeling a little better about my life and where it has ended up. Because I did end up in a good spot. I have this amazing career that has taken me places and gotten me an income at times and made me feel very fulfilled.

BUT I have had a career for 22 years. Which is a long time. Like it’s the most important thing in my life, and I’ve been doing it a long time, and gone to university to advance it, and created a lot of films and videos (mostly videos to be technically accurate), and won awards, and am making the step to features after wanting that for a long time, and doing this video game. And that’s all really good. But part of me is like Jesus I just wish I also had like a relationship to go along with this. And then I wonder if that’s kind of ridiculous too, like women’s ambitions as taught through Disney cartoons are always to get into a long term forever relationship with some perfect stranger. BUT they never show what happens after they meet. Which I find really suspicious. All that indoctrination for girl children into marriage culture, but they never show how a long term relationship works after that. It’s a little too convenient for me.

So I both want and am suspicious of relationships.

In truth, most of my relationships were really short lived. And I think part of the reason is that I didn’t want to stick around if it wasn’t working out. I also got dumped a lot though. But also those were early 20’s relationships. And then my 30’s relationships were these really abstract things, where we didn’t specify that they were real things. They were to some degree, but no one ever changed their Facebook relationship status over it. So strange. I think the actual last relationship where someone explicitly called me their girlfriend was Amber Dawn, which was a long time ago. Other women and I had these weird things. Like giving flowers and going on dates and making out and sleeping in the same bed and doing some sexy stuff and like, all kinds of really emotionally intimate things, BUT not actually calling me their girlfriend. It’s been a confusing decade of that. And the break ups were usually not even so specific either, like we’d just slowly stop hanging out. Or the hang outs would become friend hang outs and not we’re gonna go do this thing then come home and roll around for a while making out.

I kind of miss when things were spelled out more specifically. Like asking people on dates instead of ambiguous queer hang outs. Ha ha now I sound like an old lady talking about the old timey days. I’m sure people still go on dates.

My dogs are barking at nothing right now.

But who knows, maybe someday someone will want a girlfriend/partner/whatever I would be, with someone with a weirdo career that is so established. I’m sure there are women who find that kind of thing appealing. And dogs that bark. And stable housing. And my winning personality that posts so many ridiculous memes on Facebook. And kink! Don’t forget the kink.

Where is this coming from?

Ugh I feel sad all of a sudden and it’s not even tied to anything except I started thinking about how I need to go down to legal aid and talk to someone about my upcoming ODSP tribunal. What a pain in the ass. I don’t know why they keep disagreeing that I am disabled. Like I literally have a disability that is severe enough that other people with the same diagnosis are already accepted on ODSP.

I think it’s because I haven’t gone crazy in Ontario yet. WHICH SUCKS because I don’t want to have to get really sick again to prove I really have a disability. Like just trust me. JUST BELIEVE ME! When I went mad the first time, I came back down to earth and moved away back to Vancouver and some of my friends there kept saying things like “Oh you’re not crazy” blah blah blah. And it’s like, ok, I’m not ACTIVELY trying to drink the Nivea, BUT I have this happen in certain times of my life and it cycles. And it’s not even just the mania, like more often it’s depression I deal with and it’s not normal. Like very rarely is it situational depression. I could be having a perfectly nice life and suddenly my brain will be like “time to die!” and I’m like “wtf brain why are you doing this to me?”

I’m doing pretty good now. Which is probably what the ODSP people will point out. Like I am not institutionalized, I have a good grasp of reality, I’m able to currently feed myself and keep the house clean and look after my animals and wake up in the morning and be able to get out of bed. BUT that’s not a permanent state. I work really really hard to keep it as permanent as possible, but it would be nice to be on disability so I at least don’t have to panic that I could suddenly need to stop working for a while because my mood would get all weird, and not starve or get evicted. Sheesh.

It’s not even like it’s a lot of money. Like they are not saving the province so much money by keeping legitimately bipolar disordered people off of disability. And I have been reporting my income pretty truthfully to ontario works, so I’m not trying to scam anyone here.

ARGH and people are so judgey about social services. Like that people shouldn’t be on it, like I should go work at Popeye’s making biscuits or something even tho there’s a bunch of reasons I can’t do work like that.

Ahhhhhhhhhh I hate this.

BUT that’s really just this thing I’m thinking about. I am thinking about lots of other things. Like my work I have now writing. Like how I need to start feeding myself better. Like how I have to figure out what I am doing at Christmas because I don’t know if I want to be gone for a month but also the dogs and ahhh.

I really should stop writing today’s pity party blog and go write a grocery list while I have the cash for a big grocery shop. And feed the dogs. The dogs always need food.

Maybe if I get some fruit I will feel less randomly bummed out. Ha ha! So weird. Mood disorders! FUN! Ha ha

As terrifying as it is comforting

I got notes back on my outline so it’s back to writing a whole bunch. And I have a little bit left to do on the Animation. But I’m thinking weekends were a good idea, I think that should be something artists look forward to also. I am trying to limit my workload today and tomorrow to just reading all the notes and thinking while I also do fun things like dip back into Netflix and also dig out my copy of Mulholland Drive and watch it again. Yesterday I went to a barbecue which had like, I think, about five kinds of meats. Pretty amazing! Today I just walked Posey and looked at stuff online, but it gets slow on the weekends because people are out living their lives and doing fun things. Which is good, I guess. I need to do more fun things.

Although this last week was pretty amazing, I got to go to my cousin’s wedding reception and see a bunch of friends and my other cousin. I bought tickets to Tori Amos on Wednesday or something and it was like, so exciting, we didn’t get great seats, BUT it’s Tori Amos and I have wanted to see her play live for like, more than half my lifetime. Like I’ve been a fan ever since Under the Pink. Which probably came out when I was a young teenager. And my first manic episode I was fucking OBSESSED with Scarlet’s Walk. It’s pretty cool because Tori’s show is this fall and I saw PJ Harvey this spring and my second major manic episode I was obsessed with PJ Harvey’s album Stories from the City Stories from the Sea. And this year is the ten year anniversary since the last episode, and I feel like I’m in a pretty good place and won’t go manic again for a while. Hopefully by now I know when to get help before things go too crazy.

The first time I went manic I had fallen in unrequited love with a soon to be best friend and it was a mess. My psychiatrist actually told me then that falling in love is a major stress and it could have been totally likely one of the contributors to me going nuts. It’s a little scary, there was an antidepressant which I think was the main reason it happened tho. It just happened to coincide with this love event. BUT ALSO the last time I went manic I had also fallen in love. And that was another big mess. What the hell? I have had some fond feelings towards people since, and some of it felt like love but I wonder if it was really that serious? Is love going to make me flip out again? BUT also I went off my meds the last time, which is really probably the biggest reason it happened. Like I just can’t function without meds anymore, I don’t know if I ever really could though. Life’s a lot better on them though. Like normal.

A hallucination once told me I would live a normal life, which was as terrifying as it was comforting. It had a weird voice actually. You know what it sounded like? It sounded totally like those voice changers they do for people who are trying to be anonymous on TV and tell stories about like, some dangerous gang like the Hells Angels or something. Like a male version of that. So trippy. And when it happened I was already medicated again and coming down from psychosis and actually I think it was the last “symptom” of that I had. Which was a relief. But yeah I already knew by then it was not normal because I had a better grasp on reality at that point. Once I was talking to someone who had lived through psychosis and she said she knew she was okay when she walked down the street and saw a card on the ground, like the jack of hearts or something, and she was like “That means nothing to me!” ha ha! OMG it’s so true. Like things all seem to have huge meaning behind them in psychosis, and when I’m sane I can see something and not make a huge story around what it means and how it’s telling me something.

Anyway, besides that, life is pretty good. I have money in my bank account, probably the most important thing for surviving in this capitalist system. I need to get some groceries actually, I’ve been eating out a lot and it’s not good for being frugal. I hung out with someone really fun this last week for ice cream. I also went to the witch store and got a book called Gay Witchcraft. I haven’t bought a witchy book since I was 14 (besides Tarot card books) so it’s kind of exciting. I did some work on this animation.

I caved and got the Adobe Creative Cloud membership for the next year, which is like, a bunch of money, BUT ALSO really really good for me and I hadn’t realized what a game changer it would be. I’ve been limping along with FCPX and GIMP and it’s just not enough. But these programs all work together really well and as long as I have the membership they will be current programs, and I dunno, it’s kind of amazing. I also found out I’m getting trillium payments every month this year, which will cover most of the cost of these monthly fees for Creative Cloud. I was gonna rip it off, I admit, but I get sketched out by pirated software. So I’m actually glad I’m paying for it.

Since I got the new Macbook Pro I also had to get a new Microsoft Office, a new Final Draft 10, and these Adobe programs. Which isn’t too bad for new software. Apparently my old Final Draft software is incompatible with the current OSX, and crashes when you try to save to PDF. Which makes it pretty useless, since my editor and producers and other people need to read my scripts on PDF if they don’t also have Final Draft. And the new Macbook itself is a dream. It is so responsive and hasn’t crashed and multiple programs can work at the same time and it’s fine with heavy graphics programs and basically I am in love with it. AND even better is it doesn’t get as hot as my old laptop used to get (which is probably one of the reasons it kept having issues). The fans are just really good and quiet and it isn’t like, burning my legs.

Anyway, I don’t have a good ending for this post. It’s been a rambly post. Mostly I’m going to enjoy this weekend and work hard this week and I need to make some deadlines for some things and it will all be good! I’m sure there are other things going on that I’m not going to talk about here. But basically I am pretty happy these days. Not manic happy tho. Just pretty pleased.

But you gotta have friends…

My outline is handed in! I had a really intense go of it finishing up the ending to make it even more horrific. I was writing all these really violent things and being like “Holy shit where is this coming from?” and some of it is like, defensive “righteous” violence and some of it is like, perpetrator stuff, and all of it is disturbing. But I finally got closer to where I think it needs to be as a horror film, because I felt like I was pulling punches before and just skimming over the truth of the subject matter. So I feel happier with it. Next I get more notes and get to work on the script again. I’m really under pressure but for me that is good. I feel like people are kind of going to be surprised at how uncomedic it is. ALTHOUGH I dunno maybe I am funny anyway. Some people think I am funny when I am being serious. it’s a curse.

I’ve been enjoying air conditioning, meanwhile. It’s great! It’s such a relief to be outside during a hot day sweating away and knowing when I get inside that suffering is over. I’ve just been coping with it for two years and now it’s finally done! I can chill out and even sleep under my duvet again. The dogs are happy too. And I am happy they won’t die of heatstroke. AND I am happy I won’t die either, because my meds might make me unable to regulate my body heat. I don’t know if that’s true for me in particular, but it’s a possibility and every time there’s a heat warning, it says something about how children, the elderly, and people on psychiatric medications need to stay cool. I think there’s a couple other people they include in those warnings but I don’t remember now. Either way, I like staying inside and not having to go lurk around Loblaws freezer section anymore to chill out.

I’ve got a bit more work to do on this animation since I got some suggested changes to make. So I’m taking a break the rest of today, but tomorrow I’m going to try and get back to it. I need to find a missing line, and make some things move and change a thing and add some things. So I’m gonna do that and then hopefully it will be ready for them to keep as a resource. I’m basically a technician on this project, which is pretty interesting, and it is volunteer work which makes me feel good. I’m glad my skills are handy.

I’ve been in a pretty good mood lately. I had therapy yesterday, and it was interesting to talk about that one fucked up weekend and how I got over it in like 48 hours. It was such a weird blip. And a little bit scary. But also underscored that I need to further develop my friendship/support network here so I can reach out to a couple more people. It was unfortunate because one of my best friends here happened to be out of town when I was really in distress, and my Mom who I normally reach out to was one of the people I was crabby at. So, I think rather than burden one or two people with my emotional labour needs, if I could spread it out in a more mutually reciprocal way that would be good. Like obviously I know I can’t just take from a friend without giving back too. So finding the right people I can do that with is important. And I’m having some fluctuating closeness/distance with a few friends right now, erring more on the “distance” side unfortunately. So I’m trying to work that out with a couple of them at least. I’m not the greatest at trying to smooth things over with friends. Like have you seen that NFB animation “The Big Snit?” Sometimes I feel like that guy, like when his wife is crying because of the scrabble fight, and she’s in a room by herself, and he comes along to stare at her, and then he pokes her and she bursts into tears and runs away. I feel like that guy! Like so inept. I don’t have really good opening lines for discussing interpersonal issues with friends. I think I’m more upfront with lovers, but that’s like, a long time ago. And friends and I are just like, oh man. Like you don’t really think about how much work goes into maintaining healthy friendships until you hit a snag and realize you don’t want to lose your pal and also don’t know what combination of words and actions is going to make them feel better/trust you/accept that things might be changing in your life but you still love them. It’s hard! And I’m not talking about passing acquaintances either, these are people you have poured some amount of secrets and love into and really enjoy being around and feel better for having them in your life. Like they aren’t just “friends” they are like, the type of people you would be lovers with if you had that chemistry too. So it’s difficult.

People devalue friendships, I think. Like they consider them less-than romantic relationships. It’s why dudes get so mad when a woman they like wants to be friends instead of lovers. Like, dude, you can have a fulfilling friendship with a woman too. Actually a few of my best friends started out as crushes. But you know, they change when it’s established there’s not feelings from the other side. Like one of my best friends started out as a massive crush. And now she and I have been friends for 14 years. I haven’t been in a romantic relationship for a long time, so having close friends really helps me get my emotional needs met. It’s kind of nice anyway. Except for when I screw up and end up trying to figure out how to bridge the divide again.

Anyway, blahhh! I’m going for dumplings with my cousin Steven soon, who is visiting from Saskatoon. He drove me nuts as a roommate but that’s long over since I moved here, and he is my cousin and I do love him and he does love dumplings so I’m excited to take him to my all time favourite dumpling place.

Cis or Trans?

So I’ve had this longstanding thing where I don’t really know if I am cis or trans. In some ways I feel that I come across as cis, because I’m DFAB and have no dysphoria and like my body as it is so I’m not doing a physical transition and I use she/her pronouns. But in other ways I feel trans because I’m Butch (although Butches can definitely be cis) and also non-binary and have a lot of boy feelings sometimes. It’s been really confusing. I talked in my video Boi Oh Boi about when I was going to transition to male and how I changed my mind because I still feel like I have a lot of girl in me too. Like there are aspects of femininity I like, like wearing pinks and nail polish and stuff, but also just woman feels and things, and there’s a comfort in having a foot in women’s identity stuff. So staying with the body type and characteristics I have now is totally fine for me. I like my breasts, I don’t really want to bind. I know I give off masculine vibes and lovers are hesitant to touch my chest in case it sets of some kind of dysphoria for me, but that’s really not an issue for me. Sometimes I like packing but not often. It’s just a whatever Butch gender that is pretty fluid and shifts from time to time. Like sometimes I go through really more masculine phases than other times.

But I’m pretty sure non-binary genders fall under the trans umbrella, which means so do I. I’m sure there are truscum who would disagree because I don’t have dysphoria or any intention to transition medically. It seems weird to call myself trans, because sometimes I feel like there are people who have more of a right to that title. And I know some trans people really don’t like non-binary folks because of whatever reasons they have for not liking people who don’t fit in the binary. AND I still use she/her pronouns which seems to go against the fact that part of the time I feel like a man. But I don’t know, it’s weird, to feel like both genders are present and operating together in me. And I’ve been going back and forth between cis and trans because to most people I seem like a masculine woman. BUT I also really think the internal gender stuff I’ve got going on does not fit with the cis label. Which only leaves me with trans.

It’s funny too because the other identity labels I really relate to are two-spirit, Butch, and Lesbian. And sometimes I wonder if those all fit together. I know Lesbian is a sexuality and not a gender, and since I do feel non-binary (and with some definitely female gender stuff) and only attracted to women, it seems to still fit for me. Two spirit fits because of being First Nations AND queer and my non-binary gender. And I think Butch just fits as like, a gender all it’s own. I was trying to change my gender on Facebook to Butch when they brought out the varied gender options a few years ago, but the closest I could get was two-spirit, which was disappointing.

Once I was dating someone and we were walking down the street and she suddenly turned to me and demanded to know if I was a boy. Like it was kind of funny actually, she sounded really suspicious. And I said no I didn’t think so. But you know, for a long time I’ve felt like it just floats through my body now and then. But it’s still not present enough for me to go get hormones or even change my pronouns. People always check in with me to see what pronouns I am currently using and they’re still she/her, but I appreciate that my gender gets noticed.

So anyway, this blog post was just about me finally conceding the fact that I am not cis. I had a friend who I used to talk about this with, and he always kind of suggested that I seemed to land on the trans spectrum. And I was never sure. But transgender isn’t the exact same as transsexual (although they overlap), it’s more of an umbrella term. So yeah. That’s where I stand at the moment.

Like last time, TERF comments are gonna be deleted.

Lez cause some trouble

It’s not gonna be Canada Day anymore by the time I hit publish on this post. So I may as well talk about other things. Canada and Colonialism kind of absorbed me this last while anyway, like all my fb feed was anti-Canada Day and anti-Canada 150 and it’s important and all but also wears me out. But thank you, friends, for being so upfront about how problematic this day was. And is. And thanks to the allies who raised up issues also. The resistance salutes you.

I’ve spent almost a whole week doing work AND being with my Mom. But soon she is leaving, like in less than 48 hours. So I’ll be alone with the dogs again, and more productive. I’m looking forward to it. I need my space back, and as much as I love her I hate sharing a bed with her because she snores and makes weird huffly noises. And takes up space in the bed. And yeah, it’s just weird. I might actually sleep on the couch tonight. I slept on the couch last night after I had to admit I could not fall asleep next to her. It was uncomfortable, I wasn’t laying on the full length of the couch and my head got turned to an awkward angle. So, at least I slept, which is better than what was going to happen if I stayed in bed with her. I’ve only got two more nights of this and I’m back to having the space all to myself! No one telling me to make them coffee!

The fireworks tonight freaked out my pups. When we came back from a movie, fireworks had already been happening in the neighbourhood and the dogs were nowhere to be seen. Eventually they came running out from under the bed. Little Mister came and got snuggles, but Posey hid under the couch until the fireworks were over. I’m glad I didn’t take them outside this evening. And on these pet groups I belong to, all these run away dogs are getting posted. Poor things.

I’m in a strange mood these days. Like hopeful and dubious at the same time, if that makes sense. I can’t really talk about the whys on my blog though because it involves privacy issues, ha ha mostly about me and my feelings. I sometimes wonder if someone likes me, and it makes me feel hopeful, and then I get really really dubious and am all like maybe not, maybe it’s just gals being pals. Awkward! Like I know I should take subtle hints better, but sometimes I’m just like “nooooo that’s too much to hope for!” And my dating history is so weird, with a lot of really lukewarm attention from lovers who were really just, I don’t know, wasting some time until they found someone better. I mean I am doing therapy about it.

Ahh shit I still have therapy homework to do. Which I haven’t been able to get down to because of all this visiting and having a guest and stuff. Like I’m trying to see the big picture and just be a really together honest loving girlfriend for someone some day, and so I have been trying to consistently work on myself at least so at least one thing is good. I can’t control all the variables but I can control me. And when I think about where I was even just six years ago versus where I am now, there’s been major improvements and upgrades. Like that addictions thing has been under control for five years, and because of it I’m way more in touch with my emotions and I try to be more considerate and my career is better, blah blah blah. I would have been a shitty girlfriend back then and I know it because I’ve seen how much my life has changed. And not that I’m an awful person, or was an awful person, more that dealing with my addictions helped me get my life and mental health back to a really healthy baseline. God I don’t even smoke anymore. That was the hardest to give up! And I even have tobacco in my house for offerings and ceremonial reasons and I never feel like I’m gonna go light it up and smoke it away.

So anyway, it’s just weird trying to be cute and also being me and doing what I do for a living and having this tell all ongoing autobiographical art blog that they could easily reference, including my upset posts interspersed with like “today I wrote a page of script and toasted a bagel.” And I also got a tinder match and I’m like yeah I should probably answer that message it is probably good karma for my dating life to not just leave things hanging even when they aren’t going anywhere. Or maybe they will I don’t know I’m not a psychic!

I did see a psychic a few times, and every time it got to my dating life they kind of said some things that made sense, but ultimately didn’t always get it right or saw women showing up sooner than they did or weird things like just, not quite being solid predictions. And I kind of think now it’s really up to me and maybe no one can predict what is going to happen for me romantically. I guess that’s okay. There was one really interesting comment they made about “moths” tho and how there were these people drawn to me but not really like, into doing a serious thing or taking me seriously as a partner or being able to give me what I want. It actually made a lot of sense for what was going on at that period in my life. That was a weird period. OH and one consistent thing they have been saying is I AM going to eventually find someone I will be in a really good, happy, stable relationship with for the rest of my life. Which is hopeful for sure. The timeline has been off about that though, sometimes they’ve said it’s sooner than other times they have seen it happening.

Oh god I’m tired. Am I really going to hit publish on this? I hope my contemporary crush doesn’t read it and figure out it’s her and feel weird. I try not to talk about crusholas and dating in anything but the most vague ways here. Because I really don’t want someone to read this and think if they date me I’m gonna be like writing intimate details of their life on here too. Ha ha fuck I am gonna hit publish on this. They should change the “publish” button to one that says “Lez cause some trouble!”

Vancouver! 2017

Last night in Vancouver! I’m so tired but I had a really good time. I saw a whole bunch of friends and my ex sweetie Amber Dawn and it was nice remembering this community and feeling like I hadn’t been forgotten or anything. I did live here for nine years, most of my 20’s, it was a major fundamental place while I grew into an adultier adult. Things have changed, a few things are the same. My friends are getting more grey hair, but have the same sweet funny crazy personalities they always did. Amber Dawn is married and I finally FINALLY met her wife which was nice because I’ve only seen pictures of them online. My friend Lynn took me for a drive with her pack of shih tzus and that was fun, also she made me this spectacular boobie/barbie cake and let me draw my tattoos on her. I had a good screening, I wasn’t sure how it would be received but I got a lot of people coming up to say they liked it, and good feedback, and it’s always interesting being able to see how the audience reacts. So that was good.

I had some good one on one times with friends too, and it was a pretty good longish weekend. The only thing was I was so social that I kept feeling social overload. I’m fairly introverted, so I like having a few hours alone everyday and that just didn’t fit in with the schedule for seeing everyone. So I tried my best to avoid being crabby, which is what happens when I get overwhelmed with social stuff. But I think I did pretty good. Tomorrow I’m flying back, so I won’t have to visit anyone on the plane. And then I get one night to myself and Mom comes to stay for a week. I’m gonna take a couple breaks apart from her tho so we don’t overwhelm each other with mother/daughter stuff. I have friends to see in Toronto too when I get back so it’s not gonna be ALL Mommy ALL the time. And she has beading to do and I have to animate something AND write.

I did pick up my air conditioner before I left town, so it’s sitting in a box in my unit. Mom promised to help me install it, so it’s just waiting there. My friend Candie says I should tell women I have air conditioning to entice them to come over. Ha ha! It is a draw tho for reals.

I miss my dogs, but I was too busy to worry about them much, and this is the second time they have stayed with my cousin and her family, so I feel better about it and like they aren’t being hellions. Posey is the one I worry about the most, she’s such a weirdo, but I guess she is fine without me. She feels defensive of me and it sets up weird things. Amber Dawn and I were talking about this actually because she had a weirdo dog once, and I haven’t had a sleep over guest while I’ve had Posey, and I’m probably going to have to put her in a crate. Even when Riki stayed with me after my surgery I had to crate Posey because she was trying to defend me. Someday I hope to get a girlfriend who’s willing to put in the time to make friends with Posey and have a decent doggy friendship with her. Because honestly she’s the most adorable sucky baby dog once she trusts you. And she does trust new people, in the right circumstances.

I’ve got two things with two deadlines coming up, then one of them will roll over into a new bigger deadline and then I’m not sure what’s on my schedule after that. But I’m glad so many of my commitments are finished now. It’s stressful.

I was gonna try to go to Montreal in July, but I think it’s not gonna happen. My friend WAS gonna let me stay with her, but she got too many AirBnB bookings and has no room. Another friend was gonna check if she has space in her guest room but never got back to me. August I am doing something. What the hell am I doing? Maybe nothing. September I go to the UK with my Mom and Auntie for two weeks, and in October I need to go to Northern Ontario to help lead a workshop for a week or something. SO BUSY!

SO I guess I’ll be in Toronto for July and August. I’m glad I have an air conditioner. It’s brutal otherwise. So brutal!

There’s actually a heatwave in Vancouver right now, but it’s not so bad for me. I don’t know why. Maybe I am used to horrible Toronto heat.

Anyway, I should probably crash and stop writing this rambly blog post. I was happy to see all my old friends. I’ve missed them. Tomorrow morning I’m heading off to the airport and back home.


I was busy with TQFF the last few days, which was fun. I saw most of the films before, but it was nice being around and sometimes helping and sometimes feeling deeply socially awkward because that’s the kind of person I am! 😀 Ha ha you have to own that kind of stuff I guess.

I’m going to be working on my Canada Council Research/Creation grant application to try and finish this video game I was working on. I was going to get back to working on it anyway, BUT if I could get living allowance while I do it and some bucks to throw at some helpers that would be nice. Also having Photoshop would help for making assets. I toy with the idea of getting a Cintiq but I am totally not that involved in illustrating normally, and also the beginning of my video game is already made with scanned in drawings that are processed so it would kind of ruin it in terms of continuity.

My head hurts. It’s warm again today. I curse it! Ha ha jk.

I have an extension on my writing, so I’m going to work more on it and give it space to breathe a bit and then polish it up for my editor in July when he is free again. I need to be a bit more ruthless, it’s on the borders of being a thriller or a horror but it’s not horrific enough for horror although it definitely could go that route. I don’t watch a lot of horror is the thing, I am sometimes surprised I’m even writing about this topic, although I feel like I know the story intimately now after working with it for so long.

The pups are fine. I am fine. I am doing WAY better than last weekend and feel more like myself and safer. I’m glad that was over so quick.

I’m going to Vancouver this week! Just for a few days. I get to see old friends and old girlfriends (ha ha ok only one old girlfriend) and do arty job things like show my newest experimental video Thirza Cuthand is an Indian Within the Meaning of the Indian Act. And I guess do some press. My friend Lynn has promised to make me a cake! 😀 Looking forward to a whirlwind trip! The pups are going to my cousin’s house.

I’ve been so busy I’m down to boxer briefs. Which I hate. I don’t know if I have spoons or time to do laundry today, so I might be down to Pilsbury Doughboy Boxers tomorrow which is when I know it’s gone way too far. I am running out of my nice tshirts too, everything else is political and confrontational and I try to avoid wearing them just wandering around my neighbourhood because I don’t want to get hassled. I’m a chicken!

Things are nice though, I am feeling like I have more connections to people, and a friend and I might see each other tonight, and I have an air conditioner on order so this summer should be miles better than last. Mom is coming next week, after I get back from Vancouver. She has an opening at the AGO she wants to be at, and then just some mother-daughter visiting. With air conditioning. Can you tell the air conditioning is very important?

Anyway, every thing has been super gayyyyyyyyy around here. I’d say Queerrrrrr but that doesn’t look as good as Gayyyyyyyyyyyyyy.