Bear Cub

So I read this story today that someone had copy-pasted to Facebook about the Crees and smallpox. I was looking around and found it online too. It’s about my Great Great Grandfather Mistatimwas and how he survived a smallpox epidemic, as told to my Grandpa by his father. I will link to it here.

Basically he talks in very symbolic terms about how they could see this coming, and arriving at a camp of dead Blackfoot, and how his men were dying as they went home and how he collapsed on the way and some boys ran to get his father who doctored him under a bear cub robe. They even talk about where the bear cub robe had come from, his father (my Great Great Great Grandfather) had tamed this bear cub, I assume they had to kill it because it was too dangerous to keep as it got bigger and was too tame to go back to the wild. But they kept this cub’s robe, and this is probably the second time I’ve seen a description in a historical document or oral story about that robe being used to doctor Mistatimwas by his father. His father’s name was Macinam which means The Handsome One. And his father’s wife’s name was Wehwew which my Cree dictionary app says means small goose. This is the first time I’ve seen one of my women ancestors on that side’s names. Anyway, this bear cub robe was used to cure him of smallpox in a ceremony, and then again during the 1885 rebellion when he fought at the Battle of Cutknife Hill he was doctored under a bear robe. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was the same one, it would make a lot of sense, especially since his father was doctoring him that time too. Both times he was saved from death. I guess that bear cub really loved our family.

The thing is, before I knew about this bear cub robe, I had a dream I was being doctored by a bear cub. It was small and cute and totally non-threatening, it didn’t look like a teddy bear though, it looked like any black bear cub. It was leading a sweatlodge ceremony I was in. Part of that dream was kind of ridiculous because I kept hearing a doorbell like someone was interrupting us and I had to go deal with this door not being answered by my relatives. BUT the part about the bear cub leading the sweat really stayed with me.

There was another time this bear cub showed up. I remember when I was very young and beginning to deal with my depression (which was pretty scary and intense and sad) and my Auntie and Uncle were doctoring me. And I remember my Auntie said she saw a bear cub roll into the room.

White people have pretty much cheapened the concept of spirit animals with all their bullshit “Wine is my spirit animal” shit. BUT it is a real thing for Indigenous people, and bears have been part of our family as guardians for a really long time. I don’t talk a lot about my spiritual side to people who don’t get it, because cynics can be really irritating and that whole racist “You Indians and your woo woo talking animals” thing is so tired. But I’m kind of feeling a bit better about my destiny with this bear cub hanging around. It’s interesting that it’s continuing to do medicine for our family.

The bear cub robe is buried with my Great Great Grandfather, in an unmarked grave so that grave robbers can’t get it. I guess it doesn’t really matter that we can’t hold it or put it over ourselves or use it in ceremony, since that bear cub is still following us and doing something. I don’t know what. I do know I wasn’t depressed for most of high school, after getting doctored a lot for my depression. I do know I’ve managed to avoid death in some really weird fluke ways.

I’ve seen bigger bears in my dreams too though, more often big powerful mother bears who seem to be confronting me like they want me to take something. I’m nervous that I’m being called to do medicine, I don’t know if I can handle that. Maybe there is something else this big bear is wanting. I am always terrified of the bigger ones. I know I have to confront my fears in my dreams and just see what this bear wants. Instead I just keep running and hiding.

But the bear cub, I can deal with that one, that one seems to be able to get close to me.

I’m getting a bear tattooed on my chest. I am waiting to heal and then do the chrysanthemum around it, but right now it looks like this:

Permission

Oh man. I’m having some work troubles. Not script troubles thank god, OTHER work troubles. I’m not gonna talk about it here, it’s just weird being in a position where I need to ask permission to advance myself. ANYWAY no one needs to hear me bitching about that…

I did work on my script today! It felt really good, I felt like I was in the zone! I think there’s some big changes this time around, not MAJOR plot point changes, but like, other things. I cut about 17 pages this whole time I’ve been rewriting, so I have to build it up again after I finish dealing with specific notes tomorrow. I’m starting to get the hang of what is totally useless dialogue. Like repetition, or expository things, etc. I’m feeling more connected to the world I’ve created. I also think the main character is gonna be more active this time. At least I hope so, it’s been an ongoing problem that she doesn’t take her future into her own hands and make things happen. And no one really wants to watch a film where things just HAPPEN to a character. So yeah, it’s been a lot to think about and figure out. This is really my only work this week, so I am hoping to finish by Friday. Actually not HOPING, like I AM gonna finish by Friday. And I can see that being a goal that is finally within reach. And then I can get paid yay!

I’m so excited to have this done, it’s been making me feel guilty all summer while I’ve been dealing with being out of town or having a broken foot and broken foot related mental health crisis and on and on. I wanted more time, like not to stretch this into the fall, more like just more hours in my month, a few more days, a little less work. BUT on the other hand all this work has helped me get to this place where I can afford a risky chance to see if I could pass my genes on to the next generation. It’s very strange. I think I feel like a grown up finally. It only took 40 years. I feel like my financial situation has improved, I feel like I have enough momentum that I can start getting more work for next year. I feel fucking relieved that my creative output only needs to make a performance this fall that I perform twice. OH WAIT Ha ha I have another video to do.

It’s weird to think summer is almost over. It went by so fast. I know September is technically still summer but no one really believes that. It will still be beautiful weather tho. And TIFF will be on so there will be movie people around.

I already know what the next feature script I want to work on will be after this. I have an idea for a tv show rumbling around in my head. I’ve been glad I am lucky enough to have so many ideas these last few years.

BUT MOSTLY I am looking forward to having a breather next week, when this script is in. Just chilling. Maybe I’ll find a beach. Ha ha oh man and my egg retrieval is next week sometime too so that’s gonna be happening.

Sunday is gonna be six weeks since I broke my foot, and then I can go get an Xray. I haven’t booked a doctor appointment yet because I don’t know what day Egg Retrieval happens. Next week could be a really great or really bummer week, depending on if I have to keep wearing the boot and how many/any eggs we get. The good thing is next Friday is my next therapist appointment, so I can let it all out then!

Orgasm Intensity

One side effect of one of my medications (not the FSH meds, the prolactin lowering Ergot derived med) is increased orgasm intensity. I was kind of like “Yah right!” cause that just sounds too good to be true.

But then last night I was exhausted and in bed early but kind of flipping and flopping so I decided to have an orgasm because that’s usually what I do when I can’t sleep. AND HOLY SHIT! Omg. First off, it was a fucking LONG orgasm. Like I’m usually a few seconds, but this went on for a while, not like crazy crazy long like an Annie Sprinkle half hour orgasm. But like, a noticeable increase, maybe 30 seconds. ALSO I swear I saw a colour when I came. I only saw a colour while I was having sex once before, and it was when I was fisting one of my favourite girlfriends. I remember I saw this light sweet pink. But this orgasm was not pink, it was like an electric blue shooting across the sky. It was kind of crazy! I was like woah.

Again tho I kind of wish I had a partner because these orgasms would be fun to share with someone else. I mean I’m fine taking things into my own hands. But you know.

My meeting yesterday went well, I felt like I was handling my hormones pretty well. But then when I got home I got SO TIRED. Like I just crashed, a crazy amount of crashing. I should have just gone to bed at 9:30, but I wanted to make my spaghetti before I slept. Ugh. I’m glad that’s done.

Anyway, I have writing all this week, and I’m going to try concentrating on that. I usually write after 1pm. I don’t know why that’s my schedule but it is. I’m going to be finishing this draft of my script. I did a lot already, but I’m making another couple of passes over it this week to change some of the dialogue to make it more individual, and resolving some other problems, making it more visual. It helped doing programming this weekend because we’ve been watching films and I’m like, noticing so much how important the beginning is to hooking people, especially to get into festivals. Like there were so many films that really needed to get to the good shit right away and were kind of lingering on extraneous things that weren’t helping their case. It’s interesting to be a filmmaker and also a curator/programmer because it really shows you what works and what doesn’t.

Anyway, that’s gonna be my week! Also obviously doing some mornings at the fertility clinic. They open at 7am, and to be honest it’s better to get there early, especially since my blood tests always take so long. I’m glad I get someone else to do the shot tomorrow. I mean I assume, maybe they’ll just send me home with my new prescription and instructions tho. Its not so hard doing the shots. I learned that you need to inject air into the saline vial to get the fluid out. It was driving me crazy the first time because it was like, creating a vacuum, and then sucking the saline back into the vial over and over. Anyway, THAT’s fixed. So it should be fine now. I realized I wasn’t alcohol wiping the vials tho so I have to remember to do that. I do have the video she let me take of how to mix. I was worried for a while it needed to be a subcutaneous injection and not an intramuscular, but then I saw a couple other videos and realized they would have given me a shorter needle and a different place to inject if it wasn’t intramuscular. The needle this morning was fine. Yesterday I was nervous and my hands shook. It hurt more today than yesterday though. Anyway, I’m sure it’s the reason I get so sleepy later in the day.

Shot in the Butt

So today I basically spent all morning at the fertility clinic. I got there just after 8am and did blood right away, ultrasound also right away, saw the doctor around 9:30 and he hadn’t gotten my blood results back. Waited around for an hour and a half when it was supposed to be 20 minutes, but as it happened today WAS the day we started IVF injections. So the doctor said I was not a very big egg producer, and we might not get many at all. He said we could get donor eggs tho and those would be funded by the government. I’m really not sure about that, then again I read some adoption requirements and they are maybe too strict for me, which I’ll explain in a second.

So anyway, the nurse showed me how to do my injections. I have to mix my medications, which seems simple enough, then swap the big mixing needle with a smaller injection needle and put it in my butt, kind of like the upper side of my buttock, and like switch sides everyday. I can see why, because after she gave the shot today it was kind of like, sore. I hope I don’t put it in too far or too shallow. I’m just gonna do my best really. I do this every morning until the egg retrieval, which will be sometime between September 3rd and September 6th. I go back on Monday morning for some monitoring and to see how I am doing, get more medications, and they will adjust the dosage. I paid for my medications in advance today too, and got to see the bill for the procedure. It’s about what I expected. Not cheap that’s for sure, but around what I had anticipated and budgeted for.

I think I am probably only going to do this one cycle. I know a lot of women go through multiple cycles to get eggs, but I’m really feeling discouraged that we might not get many anyway. I think I’m going to leave it up to the hands of fate. In many ways I’m glad I’m at least trying this, like the doctor said it’s better than zero eggs. And I really don’t know, something might happen to tip this in my favour. There might be one magic egg that is destined to be a human. There might be none that work out. And even if we did manage to get ten eggs (probably the top number if I was SUPER lucky) the odds of those working out is still low.

ALSO I keep saying WE when I talk about this fertility thing, even tho it’s just me, on my own, ALONE. So dramatic. Lots of women at the fertility clinic are there alone, I’m not sure if they are single or if their partners are just somewhere else. Probably a mix honestly. For the most part I am fine doing this on my own. Other times I admit I feel super jealous of women with their partners there. Like, there was a couple I saw this week and the guy had brought her some coffee from downstairs and they were talking about the next appointment they had with their doctor in September and I was like “Aww I wish I had someone to bring me coffee.” Today I just went and found the coffeeshop on my own and brought my own coffee up to the clinic. But then when she was showing me how to do injections in my butt I was like “Aww, I wish I had someone to do this injection on me.” And not even because I’m afraid of putting a needle in myself, more because it’s an awkward position to inject yourself. Today they gave me a sheet that had my IVF Cycle Plan on it, and my medical info sticker was at the top with my name, gender, age, birthday, address, phone number, and then at the bottom it said “Partner: XXXX.” Like ummmm okay thanks. I know that means I don’t have a partner. I don’t know why they didn’t write “N/A” in it, or “TBD.” Or even just “Single.”

Anyway it’s a slim chance, and I knew that going into it. Like they are 40 year old eggs. And there aren’t many left. I really do want a baby, and ideally I would like a baby that is genetically related to me and my ancestors so I can tell that child where they come from and have a good idea what sorts of medical things could happen in their life. But yeah, I am also open to adopting. I went on an adoption website for Native children and I feel like I meet most of the qualifications they ask for. What worried me was asking for sound mental health. I’ve been fairly stable for over a decade and haven’t been to the hospital in a really long ass time. But I do have a disability, and I’m worried they are just gonna look at that and make a snap judgement about my parenting capabilities. It doesn’t seem fair, when so many people just have accidental pregnancies and end up with kids they don’t want or they treat badly and no one is stopping them from being abusive or neglectful. And I want a kid and there’s all these hoops to jump through if I go that route. So yeah, it’s been a bit of a discouraging day, which is funny because I’m honestly in a really good space and I have been waiting for this to happen since the spring.

The other option of course is that through some kind of fluke I manage to fall massively in love with a woman who is fertile and wants to bear children. I’m really not sure, it takes me back to what I was frustrated about when I was seeking out fertility clinics in the spring, not wanting to wait for a partner anymore to have a baby. Because if that’s what it takes then I definitely DO still have to wait for a partner. It’s a big circle that leads back to the beginning of this whole journey.

There’s more I could write about my situation as it stands. Like the consent forms are a whole other ethical quandary I need to consider this weekend of what happens to my eggs if I die and they haven’t been used yet.

But I have other things I need to do right now, because life still goes on, I still have a script due, I still have a programming meeting tomorrow, I still have a doc rough cut to look at this weekend. I’m nervous about all these follicle stimulating hormones and if they are gonna make me moody. So far so good. If I cry in my meeting tomorrow I’ll know something is up. BUT ALSO this IVF cycle is so short, it won’t be forever, and after this hopefully I can just go on until I’m ready to see if these eggs work.

Hopefully we get eggs.

We ha ha ha.

Ergot

I’ve been to the fertility clinic twice now? Wait…YES twice. Last week and this week. I need to get blood tests and ultrasounds to find out where in my cycle I am, and today the doctor said I was post-ovulation so I am going back on Friday to have more blood tests and ultrasounds and talk about next steps. But he thinks this week we can start injections for my IVF cycle. And then in 9-11 days, egg retrieval. I ASSUME! I guess I’ll find out. I have to leave in mid September so I’m nervous, but if all goes as planned I should have enough time. He said it really depended on my body. I don’t know how much I am Post Ovulation, I hope it’s enough that we get this cycle in time.

Anyway, he gave me a prescription for cabergoline to bring my prolactin levels down. He said take it at night because it might make me dizzy and nauseous. So I can sleep through that part. I only take it twice a week. Of course being someone INTIMATELY ACQUAINTED with adding new medications to my life, I went and researched the side effects. Some of the worse ones were psychosis, hallucinations, farting, and euphoria. Euphoria sounds nice, but to me it sounds like hypomania. And people in Toronto haven’t seen that fairly unfortunate side of me, and I really hope they don’t ever. I’m terrified I will get manic and start behaving strangely and scaring people and wasting these fairly expensive medications. Some of the good side effects are increased orgasm intensity and… maybe that was the only good side effect? I might get super horny or start gambling too. AND think I am being controlled or have other delusions.

So of course I did MORE research because I’m like what is this medication? Turns out it’s a derivative of ergot. Ergot is a fungus that grows on rye. It’s thought to be responsible for the strange behaviour of people in Salem that precipitated the witch hunts and trials. It was also developed into another derivative we know as LSD. It also poisoned people during the Middle Ages to the point that people’s limbs would FALL OFF! It grows best in warm damp conditions. It was also used for centuries as an abortion drug and to speed up labour. Like any wacky natural drug it’s got a lot of potential and also a lot of things have gone wrong for people who unknowingly consumed it, mostly for the fact that they KEPT consuming it not knowing what it was. I mean any medicine can become a poison when used enough.

It’s a dopamine agonist, which is why it helps reduce prolactin levels. I don’t understand the mechanism, but I’ll believe that I guess. I already take two indirect dopamine agonists, my Vyvanse and also my Wellbutrin. So theoretically this should be fine, it’s just more of the same I am already on. And I am on a lower dose of the Vyvanse. It’s also supposed to be good at reducing instances of Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome. Not reducing severity if it DOES happen, but reducing chances it will happen at all. Also since I take Risperidone, I should be fine. I’ve tried both magic mushrooms and LSD since I got on Risperidone, and neither does diddly squat for me. So I am hoping that means it will knock out any potential hallucinations before they happen.

Dogs are really good for hallucinations. They let you know if something is really there, so if there isn’t something there they won’t be reacting. I’ve never actually had visual hallucinations, except for maybe tracers when I used to do psychedelics. So I’m hoping that is just something I won’t get. There’s other kinds of hallucinations though, like tactile ones and auditory ones. Which I HAVE had in really altered states. But I haven’t had those in ages either. Knock on wood!

Anyway, I’ll find out how I do when I take this tonight. I’m nervous as hell. Most medications act slowly. Except that’s not true, Vyvanse works the same day, like in an hour. So we’ll see how it goes. I saw my testosterone levels on my chart today. They aren’t really high at all, on the low end for female testosterone levels. I don’t know what I expected, maybe the boy part of me wanted to have high testosterone levels. But nope. It really doesn’t matter what my oestrogen/testosterone levels are tho, my gender is still non-binary, and beyond doing fertility treatments for the next couple of months or so, I don’t really want to dick around with my hormones on a daily basis.

Sometimes I think about how weird it is to be a non-binary person doing this, it isn’t really tho. This is just the body I have and this is the best way for me to make a baby with the situation I have going on. And there’s a lot of politics swirling around the whole thing, like having money to go to a fertility clinic, being Indigenous and trying to make someone for the next generation after centuries of surviving genocide, and then all the gendered stuff.

I can see in many ways how this would be pretty inaccessible for people, besides how expensive it is, there is also the fact that you have an ultrasound wand up your vagina almost every visit (actually yeah, it’s been four visits almost and every visit has had an ultrasound!), and I imagine people who have different pronouns would probably be triggered at getting misgendered. I don’t actually know that this clinic misgenders people, I’ve been using she/her again and so it’s hard for them to fuck that up when it’s seen as so normative.

ANYWAY I just took this new pill. No nausea yet. No hallucinations. I’m not sure if I am dizzy yet, but probably I should head to bed sooner than later.

Landed Back In My Nest!

I’m back home! Vancouver trip ended really well, my retrospective was well attended, I got the VQFF Media Artist Award which they have only given out twice now, and the last time was ten years ago. And then I lead a workshop for QTBIPOC people and that went really well, and then I went to The Root and read out my diary entries from when I was 7 and 14. I got to see my ex Amber Dawn and reminisce about our histories in Vancouver as queers and when we dated. Talk about life now in our 40’s. My cousin Deanna and I saw each other a bunch which was really nice. I saw my friend Lynn too and that was sweet. People were mostly really busy tho, and there were a couple days where people kept cancelling on me. There were about three people I thought I might have a chance at fooling around with but either our schedules didn’t work out or I was too damned slow to pick up what they were putting down. It’s okay! I’ll live.

Anyway, I am trying not to do long distance things, even tho I have definitely flown further than Toronto to Vancouver to have sex before. But NO I am done with that kind of thing. I want a monogamous local long term thing. Anyway ha ha yeah….

I had a nice hotel room. I drank all the coffee and they kept bringing me more, but they brought more decaf all the time too, so by the time my stay ended there was like, way too much decaf I was never gonna drink.

It was super smokey there the last couple days I was there. Like you couldn’t see the mountains. And most of the beaches were closed because of e.coli. It’s smokey all across Western Canada.

Now that I’m back I gotta get back into working, and order some groceries because I am out, and scroll through my email and try to find messages I couldn’t get to because I was away and busy. Someone said I should do an auto reply thing, but last time I did that I started getting emails bouncing back and forth from noreply emails. What a pain!

I did a lot of thinking about some personal things while I was out there which will remain unwritten here. They really aren’t interesting for anyone but me anyway, and for me it’s really only personal growth stuff now because it’s not going to turn into anything but me confronting parts of myself and the way I approach the world. AHHH ha ha I do have other secret places I write about this stuff. I tried talking about it with friends out there but I could kind of see their eyes glaze and felt super sheepish about needing to process it when it seemed like the most boring banal thing to them. I mean maybe it is boring and banal to everyone but me, it’s not like it’s ever going to be something that will impact their lives.

At the same time I am feeling myself starting to withdraw from friends who can’t do give and take in conversations and let me have space to talk about my stuff before they launch into their stuff. I’m getting tired of having things I say be ignored or disregarded. I think this got especially noticeable with the broken foot, like some people just did not give a shit about my broken foot or what I was going through, and to be perfectly honest I was pretty suicidal the first week I was recovering from it. Like to the point I was scaring myself. So not having my mental health treated with any kind of care was super upsetting, and mostly people who didn’t ask how my foot was doing made me just kind of like, avoid carrying on conversations with them. It is still impacting my life, like I can’t go grocery shopping on my own yet, I still need to order groceries. I still don’t ttc because I’m terrified of not getting a seat and being pretty sad. And sometimes, especially on my trip, when I was trying to do things I got really frustrated and upset because my mobility is limited. There were three friends who did a lot of carework for me though, things that don’t get celebrated but are so necessary like taking out my garbage and recycling. So for that I am grateful. I’m way more independent now, thank god, but I still take cabs. And mostly I probably will still want to stick close to home.

I guess I’m fine overall though. Like, my foot is way better, and my insurance claim went through for my broken bone and now I have $3000 I hadn’t been expecting. So that’s super nice. I also have a big cheque from the festival to deposit tomorrow of about $2500. And then another big $3500 artist fee is coming from my distributor. So fucking relieved. Of course, tomorrow morning I am gonna start going to the fertility clinic for cycle monitoring. So that’s gonna start wiping out some of my cash. But that’s ok, I’ve been planning this. And Amber Dawn told me a hopeful story about a couple she knows who also made science babies and they had four fertilized eggs and used two and they both became humans, and then donated the other two to another couple and both those eggs also became humans. I really hope I can get a human out of one of my eggs. I think I would make a cute smart funny baby.

Giblet 4Lyfe

OMG. So I am out of town right now, in Vancouver, and my foot is broken still obviously. Like it HAS gotten a lot better, but it still hurts if I stand on it for a longer period of time. I’m pretty much negotiating my way from chair to chair. I walked a couple of blocks the other day with my cousin to Union Market to visit a friend and get snacks, which was fine. But anyway, I’ve really noticed some good and bad things about being temporarily disabled. I mean, none of it is really good, sometimes people make accommodations that are helpful. I got to go into the Special Needs and Family line at the airport in Toronto to get through security. But some random guy noticed it was a shorter line and went under the barrier to get in our line and then he and his friend fucking jumped in front of me. It was really disrespectful. The plane was mostly ok, I only went to the bathroom twice, and my crutches fit in the overhead bin. I got on the plane first which was nice.

I had an alright night when I got to the hotel, my cousin came over and we visited, and the next day I took a cab to her place and visited some more. But then I went to the festival and it was like, really hard. People sort of didn’t know what to do with me at first, like I came in and kind of wanted to just go find a chair to sit down and they kind of stood there not knowing what to do with me, I had to ask to sit down a couple of times, at one point some white media bros were sitting on a couch I had been sitting on and there was nowhere else to sit and they were clearly able bodied and looking at me and saw me in crutches and my aircast and still didn’t get up or make room so I could sit down, so I had to ask staff for a chair. And they did bring me a chair, which was nice. Like the staff was trying to be accommodating. A few times I went to the accessible toilets and the rest of the toilets were downstairs so I couldn’t go use them, I can do stairs but I didn’t feel safe doing it there. Anyway, every time I went to the accessible toilets there was an able bodied person in there taking a long time. I was getting kind of frustrated. They never apologized when they came out and saw me standing there waiting in my sad crutches and boot. And then at the party there was like, a line to get in that I ended up cutting, and then long lines for drink tickets and drinks. And the festival person got me a drink which was nice. But I was feeling super bummed out and sitting in a chair alone and I ended up leaving and waiting a really long time for a cab to take me back to the hotel. I did talk to a few people, but mostly people were doing other things talking to other people and I couldn’t really do that networking thing or go find friends or anything. So it was very frustrating. I think people don’t think about this stuff. Sometimes I’m appalled people don’t get it that I have a broken foot and need to sit down. Like people just are really careless about their fellow humans, and don’t really give a shit. And I’m supposed to be the artist in residence and some kind of special guest and it like just feels like I’m invisible because I’m sitting in a corner somewhere.

Anyway, blahhhhh.

I’m seeing my other cousin tonight for dinner and staying in my hotel doing scriptwriting this afternoon. I am behind and really need to get my script to a better state. I cut a whole bunch of stuff and read all the notes and it’s starting to take shape in a more interesting direction, but I also need to get the characters voices more distinct and make it more visual. I wish I had more time. I also came to this point where I was like “OMFG I’m never writing a horror/thriller again” and then fuck wouldn’t you know it I heard a story from a friend that started making me see this whole movie that was also another fucking horror film. And it could be damned good and I’m like I guess this is my life now!

Anyway…

I’m tired of feeling shitty about my broken foot. Like it’s getting better, I can take short walks like ten feet from the bed to the bathroom without a cast. It’s probably not a good idea yet. BUT ALSO I’m feeling encouraged that I can go that far without collapsing in pain. Like it is GETTING BETTER! And just now I managed to go to the 711 and get some pop, so my morale is improving. Sometimes it’s so damned hard, and sometimes I feel like I’m mentally okay, and sometimes I’m just like fuck put me in stasis until this foot is healed. But also I have a lot of work to do like programming and this scriptwriting and attending this festival and I have a performance coming up in September. AND obviously also editing my doc. Like there’s a ton of work and I don’t know why it piles up every summer. Also I need to write a grant, which is like, important, and I can do it with assistance. But I almost wish I could extend my time, like if I had a time turner like Hermione in Harry Potter so I could do each day three times to get all this work done or something. And I know on some level that the broken foot really kicked the shit out of my productivity, it sucks tho, because I also don’t want to believe my worth is contingent on my productivity. I guess I got really accustomed to working super hard on lots of stuff, and it’s a bit of a kick to the self esteem to know my capacity is not as great as it was. And all of this is going on and I don’t want to complain about work because I really love what I do. I just feel so shitty and sad and it’s hard to do those things right now. It’s only going to be 6 to 8 weeks altogether until I can take this boot off. And already it’s been 19 days. Like it might still hurt for 6 months, BUT the main healing is happening now and this is the roughest part and then it’s gonna get easier. It just sucks that it had to happen near the end of summer, when I have all these projects and this work trip.

I wonder if I will end up getting a cane? If I do I want to make it witchy or cool or something. These mobility aids feel so utilitarian. I mean there’s only so much you can do with them tho. Anyway …. I’m seeing my other cousin Shar today, which will be nice. We are having dinner together. I’m excited to see her. Other people seem to want to see me too, but it’s hard because like, I can’t hop on the bus right now and drop by to say hello. Like it’s all cabs right now, or the driver the festival is giving me.

When my cousin Shar broke something, I think it was her arm or something like that, her boyfriend at the time started calling her Giblet. Ha ha ha omg. Anyway, I was whining to my other cousin Deanna about being worried that I’d be like, broken forever, she said I could start calling myself Giblet 4Lyfe! Ha ha ha omg. It sucks being a Giblet. At least there’s a cute name for this situation.

Late Night Thoughts from The Couch

OMG I’m so sleepy! This is a terrible time to try and write a blog post.

Well, let’s see…

I’m trying to keep up on my work. I am writing, not coming along as fast as I would like though. This weekend I am plowing through about 101 submissions for the queer film fest I help program. I saw some good and bad stuff. It’s been illuminating. It’s also a lot to watch at once. I am stuck with about seven features at LEAST to watch, after I get through about 32 more films (some of which might also be features). It’s intimidating me! I still have time.

Friday we had a shoot day, it was, including driving, about 12 hours. SO LONG! OMG! But I think we wrapped, might do another day for pick up shots if we need more footage to fill it out, but we want to see a cut before we make that call in case there are specific images that need to be used. It’s gonna be 20 minutes in the end, which really is not very long. I can kind of see it in my head, but I know I should watch some of the raw footage again to guide the editor.

I’m really trying to keep on top of three things right now, the programming for the film fest, writing this script, and finishing this 20 minute doc. More work happens in the fall, including finally shooting this short we got money for. I am starting to say “We” now even tho it’s really just me. Maybe because I’m starting to get used to making films WITH people. I was such a solitary filmmaker for so long. Video Artist if you are gonna be fussy. But yeah, I really did the shooting, the editing, the writing, the performing, etc. Now I have producers and crew and editors and story editors and stuff and it’s not just me doing these things anymore. I still make very self driven short films, but even then it’s more collaborative than before. I am kind of liking that. I know life is about growing, and change, and I am growing and changing with my career, and my career is going into places I’ve long wanted it to go. Some of that seems to disappoint the more hardcore experimental film folks I’ve spent time with. But also, I know I need to make a living, and for the most part I am good at this stuff, and I like it which is even more important. I really think liking your career is half the battle. After that it can still be stressful, but at least you are having fun.

Anyway, it’s so weird. I’ve been trying to date, and I DO have another date coming up although we had to reschedule. But I feel kind of crappy with my broken foot, like I won’t be able to really romance someone, much less have good passionate sex with them. But disabled people have sex all the time, and this is JUST a broken foot. Like ok, no romantic walks. But it’s temporary and it’s gonna get better. Anyway yeah, I am trying to not feel so anxious about my romantic life or potential dates or rejection. Because that kind of pressure isn’t good for anyone, least of all me. But I still worry I won’t have someone fall in love with me and I’ll die alone. I mean I know I won’t, there’s someone coming, or I might know someone now. But it’s kind of been a long standing worry of mine. I think that’s from growing up as a bit of a nerd and outcast, especially being so butch and lesbian and kids being homophobic but not realizing that’s why they treated me shitty. That makes you feel weird about yourself.

Anyway yeah. I’m fine though, I just need to keep doing my jobs, keep healing my foot bone, keep eating and showering and getting up every morning. Remembering to put my clothes out the night before so in the morning I can put on my underwear and shorts before strapping on my walking boot. Like romance would be lovely, and I would have a lot to give someone. But also I just have to keep living my life and doing my thing. And I get to go to Vancouver this week, which is even more exciting! I have to figure out how to work and also see friends and loved ones and do my gigs. It will be ok. Last time I went to Vancouver tho, I got so stressed out from seeing people all the time. Like SO stressed. I wasn’t getting any alone down time. But this time I have a hotel, so that might help.

Broken Foot Diaries

Feet. I’m so tired of my broken foot. BUT it is getting better, I had to go out of the house and it was just going to a car to go down the street to the post office, then into the post office and back. But I felt like I could go faster, my foot didn’t hurt as much, like it hurts. But it’s not feeling like I’m gonna have to sit down right away when I move around. I can walk on my boot without crutches, I still take them when I go out of the house. But I feel more like I am capable of life, which is good. And I got taken to a Starbucks drive through and it was super nice, I felt like I was out of the house and having fun. Even tho it was just to get a frappuchino.

A friend is coming tomorrow night to do my laundry. I gotta wake up early to let the cable internet installer guy in. I’m not really looking forward to that, I don’t know why they have to start at 8am. That’s too fucking early! Why can’t they start at 9am like normal people? And now I have to set my alarm for seven, ugh. And yesterday when I went to the doctor, I slept through my alarm just sleepily hitting snooze. So I really gotta set TWO alarms that sound different. I DID make it to the doctor though because my friend texted me and woke me up.

The doctor says six or eight weeks in the air cast. Maybe I could move to a stiff shoe, but the air cast is the best. And honestly I do want to heal up properly, so I’m willing to suck up six or eight weeks in this cast. And also a week and a half has gone by, so now it’s really only four and a half to six and half weeks left. Anyway, I got my insurance forms filled out, prescriptions, blah blah. I’m gonna be okay, it was super depressing on Saturday tho. Like SO depressing.

I’m in an up and down mood. Sometimes I feel very positive, other times I feel very down. I’ll be fine I’m sure. I’m still able to emotionally care for people I am close to, so that makes me feel better. And a lot of people are caring for me, which is super sweet. Like bringing me things, or driving me places, or helping do my laundry or take out the trash and recycling. I think I’m finally ready to try and wash the floor tomorrow afternoon. It’s really making me bummed out to have a dirty floor, so if I can get it washed I’ll feel a million times better.

I know in the long view of my life, a broken foot is really such a small thing, like it’s a blip. People have told me to do physio because they injured themselves and DIDN’T do physio and still have problems. So I am not in a place where I feel I can move my foot that much. Maybe next week.

I’ve been reading about bone healing, the first two weeks is inflammation. Then I think there’s something called a soft callus. Then a hard callus. Then the bone does remodelling and reinforces itself to go back to the way it was before. So it’s a process, the remodelling takes months. But hopefully in a few weeks when I get my xrays again, I can get this boot off. I am so tired of it. I can take it off when I am just sitting around, but I don’t feel brave enough for that yet. I’m so worried it’s going to heal out of place or something. Or the dog will jump on it and hurt it again. UGH!

Aside from foot troubles and a whole ton of work going on right now, things are fine. I’m flirting with some people. No one has kissed me yet though. I’m trying to be open to falling in love again, it’s hard ha ha. I am just trying to meet new people, so that’s nice. I like meeting people. With my damned broken foot.

Tender Feet

It’s over a week now since I broke my foot. I definitely feel better when my foot is up as opposed to when it’s on the floor or standing. It’s hard to keep it up all the time. I went to the courtyard yesterday with my friend Riki and we sat and played a game of cribbage. It was nice, I had never played cribbage before. I didn’t win but that was ok. I had pizza yesterday, like a frozen pizza in the oven kind of pizza.

Today my two producers from two different projects got in touch with me and I’m trying to get back into work. I gotta make a shot list for my doc, and keep working on my script for the other producer. I guess I had to feel bad about myself for a while, but also funders mean deadlines, and deadlines are coming up. So I’m working again, more than before. It’s probably good to keep my mind off my foot.

I’m supposed to go on a date next week, and go to Vancouver on Wednesday. I’m not really looking forward to travelling with my busted foot. I am hoping all goes okay. I asked someone else on a date too, but who knows! I’m just trying to be open to the universe right now. Kind of silly with a broken foot though. Like the things I can do are so limited. Can’t go dancing. Can’t go for long walks. Can’t play volleyball on the beach or go bowling or stand for long periods. I’m trying to remind myself that I’m still a fun person to be with and that there is A LOT I could do, like coffee or dinner or movies. My ex girlfriend told me about cast porn, so I watched some of that (but not much cause of bad internet) and it made me feel a little better. Maybe I can find a cast fetishist.

The internet is causing me heartache. I had to give up my DSL account and switch to cable, but cable hasn’t been installed yet. So I’m waiting on that. And it won’t happen until Thursday morning. I have all these videos to watch, which stresses me out. Ahhhhhhh! OMG!

Work stuff is stressful right now. I’m trying NOT to be stressed about it. I have so many things on the go, and only a few things I can actually do right now. My spoons count is so low these days and I have to prioritize the things I am getting paid for. Obviously. Especially since my bank account is going down. AND Egg Freezing stuff is still gonna happen and I gotta remember to head to the fertility clinic when I return from Vancouver. I’m so annoyed by all these trips I have to take right now. I know it’s nice, yay, travel is great. But I won’t be in top form until my trip to Australia in November, HOPEFULLY! So yeah, yikes. I wonder if I should get a wheelchair or that cart when I go to the airport. How do you get those carts?

Anyway I mostly wanted to write here because I AM feeling better, not so sad. Stressed but not despondent like I was. I need to find someone to do my laundry again this week. I hate feeling like I am asking too much of people. But I also am wearing dirty shorts and it’s like, gross. I have some other pairs I could change into tho. I’m just in a clothing rut.