Grief stuff

I’m aware the last three posts I have written have had some heavy stuff in them. I’m not exactly sure why this is going on now, but I seem to be working through some stuff. It’s been a while since I had some pain to work out. And it’s a little bit confusing to me, because I’ve been doing really well even with getting rejected the other day. Actually, that is probably why it is coming up, because I’m in a safe enough position to work through some old stuff I had forgotten about. It’s very difficult and makes me sad and I had this long habit of just kind of stuffing down feelings and not feeling them. And now I think I need to face up to it.

I made a 56 song playlist on my iTunes of broken hearted songs, just sad stuff to listen to so I can really be present in these feelings. It’s funny because it’s not even like I am going through a break up, but I think it might help resolve some overall sad feelings.

Like I have a lot of grief for my grandparents dying. We were very close. They did a lot of childcare for my single mom when we were growing up, so they were often around. And Grandpa was like, my Dad really. He was the loving patriarch in my life. I called a tattoo parlour today to finally make an appointment with a tattoo artist whose style I like. I’m ready to get my memorial tattoo for them. It’s going to be a canoe on a rippling lake against the silhouette of the boreal forest. An empty canoe. They met in La Ronge, which is in Northern Saskatchewan right in the boreal forest, and canoeing is something they did a lot of. I’m getting it on my upper back, which seems like the right place even tho I won’t be able to see it.

I guess I also have some downer feelings about being single for so long and not being very good at dating. Like, I just don’t get it. I think my personality isn’t very sparkling for first dates, like I am just kind of shy naturally. And it’s not always like that, when I get to know people I come out of my shell and can make some good jokes and be cute. But dating these days is so weird. Like, I don’t get tinder. I have only gotten two matches on there, and one was just a friend who wanted to say hi. I did meet two people from OKCupid this year, but neither of those worked out and one of them ghosted me which was really disappointing, especially since she was a cute top and I liked her. I guess it’s better because I actually went on actual dates and not just hanging out with friends I had massive crushes on and confessing and losing a friendship.

My dating history has been weird. Mostly disappointing. And a lot of “things” that were not easily classified as being girlfriends, even if we were fucking/talking everyday/being emotionally intimate. I was in a lot of polyamorous relationships and there would be tension because I wasn’t as great at getting other lovers as they were. So there was a lot of pressure for me to keep finding people to sleep with, and really I would be content just focusing on one person. Now I am trying to shift my focus to finding a monogamous dominant woman, but fuck that seems really hard to find. I kind of understand why so many bisexual women end up with straight cis men, there are just more of them and they are easier to find. I’m looking for someone whose queer and a woman and kinky in specific ways and within a particular age range and with certain qualities like gentleness and kindness and intelligence and humour and within a particular geographical area and attractive to me. It seems like a lot of intersecting demographics have to occur, and not only that, BUT they also have to be attracted to me and looking for all the things I have to offer.

I guess I’m happier that I am in a bigger city where there is a bigger pool to draw from. But it still seems really difficult. And internet dating is just hard, it’s hard to tell if there will be chemistry based on a profile and picture.

I wish I had cake.

The problem with my disappointing dating history is that I never got a girlfriend who was serious enough about me that I could bring them home to meet my family. I always wanted to someday. When my first girlfriend Ivana and I were dating, I had all these daydreams that they could come home with me for Christmas and meet my family, but of course it never happened, and the rest of them didn’t meet anyone either. And as my Grandparents got older and older I wanted them to at least meet one person who was deeply in love with me. But no one was deeply in love with me. And now they are dead. And I mean yeah someone could still fall deeply in love with me, but they can’t meet my Grandparents now because it’s too late. Which is sort of painful to think about. It’s a lot of unresolved grief about a lot of things.

I had a psychic tell me I would end up in a serious really good loving relationship that would last the rest of my life. But it’s a ways off apparently. I don’t know if that’s true or not. But it’s frustrating. I’m not sure how much more I can improve myself before someone will find me loveable. I feel like I’m doing everything I want to do. I have a career. I have housing. I’m in a good spot. I have my routine where I can keep my house clean more regularly. I don’t do drugs or alcohol anymore. I love my dogs. It might not even be me, it’s probably just that I haven’t met the right person yet.

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!

So I guess now it can be told that I won a REVEAL Indigenous Art Award from the Hnatyshyn Foundation. Which is $10,000 that I really needed, mostly because I need a new Macbook Pro that can be a workhorse for the next few years and help me make more art. Also Mom and I want to go to the UK for a vacation, because we want to see London and Scotland and Mom wants to go see the Coronation Street set. Plus it has been a long time since our last epic vacation.

So that’s exciting! I’m looking forward to meeting some of the other winners in Winnipeg, in particular people I have been long time fans of, and also old friends.

Also yesterday I finally saw PJ Harvey, which was awesome and I love her and I got to be in a big room with her. She’s an interesting live performer though because she doesn’t do much of any patter, like she is just there to sing the songs. She also introduced the band. But it was mainly song after song and no anecdotes or anything. And she didn’t sing my favourite song. Still good tho.

But then I got home and this person I have been spending time with told me we weren’t going further in a romantic/feelings/sexy sense. SO that was disappointing. And it has been a long time since I got rejected. Ha ha okay not that long. Like I got rejected last year too. And the year before that. And I am losing track of what happened before that. I do know that a few years ago on this day I unfriended my last actual lover because they didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. I mean, we were TECHNICALLY friends, just that I was on her restricted profile list for two years and I didn’t see anything changing about that. SAD! Ha ha shit anyway that popped up on my FB memories. Thanks, FB memories. That was a great memory. And I was trying NOT to talk about dating on here, but I feel like I may as well make a note of it. Because dating is brutal. ALSO because if fucking Carrie Bradshaw can write eloquent missives on Mr. Big why can’t I? Ha ha ha. OK but I still have a sense of privacy about dating. But I feel fine with letting you know I am sad and disappointed and disheartened because now I am in the position of needing to go out and find more first dates and facccccccckkkkk. I am such a shy guy and really it takes a while for me to open up to someone and it doesn’t go over well for like, making big showy impressions right off the bat. Like I could be totally fun and sexy, but you’re not going to know that if I’m nervous about showing what a big tender weirdo I am when I meet you. Socially anxious introvert dating sucks the big one.

There’s nothing wrong with being rejected though. I mean, of all the things to happen it’s really not the worst. I think the worst would be ending up in an abusive relationship and not knowing how to get out. Like once I was in an abusive relationship, and I remember I was at her house calling a friend to see if she wanted to hang out with us, and my girlfriend just GRABBED the phone out of my hand while I was talking to my friend and started talking to her herself. And I remember I felt SO WEIRDED OUT and I knew then something was wrong. And even later my friend who I had been talking to was like “That was really weird Thirza.” See that is bad! Being told it’s not going anywhere isn’t so awful. Not that the person who recently rejected me was a bad person, just that I can always think of ways things could be worse ha ha.

Anyway enough of that. Still waiting for this mean email about what a horrible person I am from another “friend” who needs to process about how angry they are that I set a boundary last month for three days when they kept posting inappropriate comments on a post of mine. Ahh shit! I hate interpersonal stuff.

The dogs are fine. I am fine. It’s my birthday soonish, so that’s kind of exciting. I will be 39. Which is a funny year because it’s the year everyone lies about when they are ashamed of being old. “I’m turning 39 ha ha ha!” No really, I am turning 39, and good riddance, I’ll be happy when I turn 40 next year and leave the 30’s behind. Next month is the awards ceremony where I get my cheque and can finally order my custom macbook.

Anyway, it’s Good Friday which is a holiday, except I need to work on my writing. So now that I wrote all this stuff I feel like I can turn to that.

Mixed Feelings on a Weighty Topic

So, probably until I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and put on all kinds of psych meds at 24-25 I was mostly small. Like, not fat. Maybe a pudgy tummy but not as big as I got. I was a skinny kid, an average teen. And then with the meds, even though I was actually broke and starving, I gained a whole bunch of weight. And it’s shifted over the years, it’s gone up and down but never like, making me skinny again. And the ovarian cyst made me even bigger for a few years, because when it was removed it was the size of a grapefruit. I remember when my weight first changed I had a really hard time adjusting to it. I didn’t have a lot of knowledge about internalized fatphobia and fat politics and things. And I had a hard time finding myself desirable, plus I was dealing with an STI around that time, so my sex life took a major dive for a while. And I am about 38 now, going to turn 39 in a couple of weeks. So it’s been almost half my life being a bigger woman.
But since the surgery to remove my cyst, AND the Vyvanse I’ve been taking, I am losing weight. And I have to say I have mixed feelings on this. AND I have also been really hesitant to talk about it because people in general are so fatphobic and fat stigmatizing that I don’t want them to start like, giving unsolicited diet advice and gym advice and shit and congratulating me when I don’t find this any kind of accomplishment. But I want to talk about it. But I don’t know how.
Part of me is kind of grieving my old body, the big chubby body I have had for so long. I ended up really liking it, and I was finding myself being drawn to other women who were also bigger and chubby/fatter. Fatty on fatty sex is pretty cute and hot. But now I am wondering if I am going to be smaller and not as appealing to other chubby women. Also there’s a certain amount of brute strength you get just naturally from moving through the world with a lot of weight. And I am wondering if I am going to lose that. I have a lot of questions.
But part of me also sort of likes the idea of my body going back towards what it was like when I was younger. I mean I am all stretch marks and soft belly, but I would be smaller and I am wondering how that would change my life and how I go through the world. I always had a hard time with how much space I took up, this is a problematic thing though, because I think it’s deeply gendered and men aren’t as cognizant of needing to be small as women are. But part of me likes having more room in an airplane seat. I still don’t quite fit in a train seat, I mean the tray pushes my belly in when it’s down. Dimensions. It’s a little easier to go through a crowd.
My attractions are still pretty open though. I like people of all sizes, but fatties are still really appealing. And I hate to say it but when I was young and skinny before gaining my weight, I was not very open to diverse bodies. Which is shitty and shallow. But it’s not a mindset I have anymore. Weight is fucking complicated yo!
I don’t think I’m going to stop being attracted to diverse body sizes even when I lose weight. I’ve really just started taking Vyvanse, it’s only been a couple of months. So I don’t know how small I will get. And who knows, if I get off Vyvanse I might get big again. Anything could happen. I’m not really tied to any particular outcome in terms of my final form (ha ha!) except I think it’s not ever going to stay static for the rest of my life.
Having to buy new pants is a drag. I guess I should be glad my Mom talked me out of getting leather pants no matter how sexy they are.
The funny thing of course is that I am still fat, small-fat, but def not a skinny lady. So I don’t really know if I will make it to slenderland and shopping in “regular” clothing stores and not the plus size ones. But the nice thing is that I don’t see that as my goal. Really, all I want is to be mentally well, whatever size my body takes when I get there.
Another reason I have a hard time talking about this is because it brings up complicated feelings for other people, fat people, people with eating disorders, all kinds of people. I don’t want people to think I am going to start celebrating weight loss and becoming obnoxious and a jerk. It’s hard to say “I think I am losing weight” without people reacting to that in a celebratory way. It’s hard to say “I think I am losing weight and I am missing my old body” without people reacting in all kinds of weird ways. Mostly I don’t want other fat people to feel shitty because I am talking about my size shifting. I think celebrating fat bodies is important and revolutionary, and it is weird for me politically to see my body downsizing to something more normative.
I have mixed feelings.

First warm day

Today was the first really warm day where you didn’t need a jacket. It was nice! I walked Posey but Little Mister wouldn’t come with us. Then when we came back he was barking because he was mad we left him behind. But he went and hid when I was getting us ready so it’s his own fault!
I got Posey a tuggy toy rope snake. But she doesn’t get it. She likes tugging on her leash at the beginning of our walks. But cannot move that urge over to tugging on her rope snake. I’ve been waving it around and stuff but she doesn’t get it.
The workshops this past weekend went well, and Posey and Mister did good at the dog sitters. Lil pups!
I’m really hot fuck it is so hot!
Anyway, I am sad because people are jerks. Vagueblogging. Vague jerks I know.
And I am expecting someone to write me the second long email about what a horrible person I am in less than two months. Like, really? AGAIN? Fuck. I don’t know why people do that. And it all started with me needing to set a boundary and I wasn’t even mad I just recognized she wasn’t in the right frame of mind to engage, and temporarily restricted her from my fb. For like, three days. Anyway, now everything is all fucked up and weird and I’m expecting some massively mean email where she pulls some cheap shots like the last email. What a drag. And then I have to make it better by accepting my role in her life as an emotional punching bag, and it’s really frustrating and tiresome. And like, to what ends? Why does this keep happening? Why do I have to make all the concessions and accept all this pain and be willing to be shit on to maintain this relationship? It’s difficult. And it’s like that with a couple of other people, but more so with this one. It makes me want to throw in the towel, to be honest, because it’s difficult having someone make you feel bad over and over and you can’t fight back. So mean. So that’s making me sad. And there’s some level of insanity all wrapped up in there, and that’s probably why I’ve been more lenient, but it’s hard.
Ahhh and some other stuff isn’t really working for me right now, some interpersonal stuff with some other people. So I just kind of feel shitty all around. I think I need to move more towards good things and let go of things that make me feel bad. Like I hate chasing people, I hate having to let people emotionally pummel me, I hate watching people say hurtful things towards me and always letting it slide instead of calling them on it, I hate feeling disregarded and disrespected and always feeling like my role is the peacemaker. I think because of ways I was raised I accept a lot of abusive behaviour because I can’t pin it down as abuse as easily as if they like, punched me in the face. And I need to move beyond that and remember setting a boundary is a GOOD thing and not a bad thing and doesn’t make me evil even if it pisses someone off. Like I was so frustrated with my alcoholic cousin disrupting my life and using my Mom and it made me really angry and then a lot of the family was angry AT ME for talking about it. Because it’s not a problem if no one is saying it’s a major problem. Only talking about it makes it a problem. Only *I* am the problem for having a blog/facebook/mouth that talks about how shitty and abusive it is to live with an alcoholic who jokes about killing my dogs. Not that my cousin is the problem. AHHHHHH it’s so frustrating. Families with addictions thrive on secrets. And any disruption of that secrecy is a big betrayal of the family unit. And even family members who do not have addictions are involved in the other family member’s addictions because of codependency and enabling and stuff. And that situation is over now, not the addiction, but the cohabitation and stuff. But there’s always this feeling that it COULD happen again. I wouldn’t be there, but I would have to hear the screaming on the phone and the stories about parties in the house and stuff, and stealing the car, etc etc. And I would have to start taking my wallet to bed with me again if I stayed over, and watching my dogs like a hawk, etc. Stressful!
Ha and I am only in that house 2-4 times a year now.
But geez what a messed up life.
And the thing is my life isn’t even that messed up right now. I’ve got work that is bringing in money doing what I love. I am involved in my communities. I have a handful of good friends and people I can rely on. My dogs are doing great. My housing is stable and nice and HEALTHY. There are lots of things to do. I’m basically healthy and doing well.
I guess I am just thinking about abusive dynamics I have been in because I had a conversation with my best friend today about it, about childhood histories we had that were similar, about ongoing stuff. It’s very frustrating. And it makes me vulnerable to getting into the same dynamics in other relationships. Like I’ve never been beaten by a friend/lover/parent, but I have been physically injured by a lover. I’ve been emotionally abused the most. And it makes me wary. It makes me not as trusting I think. And then sometimes I do trust someone and they start crossing the line, but I let them get away with it until it is building up and getting too much. And one of the most common abusive things that happened to me were silent treatments, and that’s something that has been recreated a lot in my life with other people, like withdrawing, or withholding, or ignoring me, etc. And most healthy people would (and should) say “Fuck this!” and go on with their life without that person. But I kind of hang around trying to make it work, because I remember times in my life where there was no other option but to try and mend things with someone who wouldn’t even acknowledge I was in the room. AhhhhhhhhhH! So painful.
I always promised myself I would never do that to my kids. And so far I haven’t had kids, but I have always talked to the dogs. So I am practicing at always being loving and never withholding. Even if it’s just with dogs. Even if I haven’t had a girlfriend in ten years. At least I am trying. But I also don’t want to keep putting myself in vulnerable positions with someone who has contempt for me, even if they are just a friend. Even then.

Learning and thinking about things

I’m not sure what to write about here today. I’ve just been working, thinking, being SUPER busy. Busy is good for me tho. I helped out at a workshop yesterday for QTPOC filmmaking. Next weekend I am doing a workshop on Stop Motion Animation. I know the principles of stop motion, but I haven’t touched the technology people are using now, so my co-facilitator knows that part, which is cool cause then I will learn something too.

Also at the workshop yesterday I learned that DaVinci Resolve is now a free program, that you can order decent lenses for your iPhone from China for cheap, and that this app called Filmic Pro is AMAZING for shooting video with your phone and the same app the Tangerine crew used to shoot with. It couldn’t come at a better time because I need to shoot and edit and deliver a video using my phone for May 8th. I downloaded it yesterday and I’m already blown away!

Little Mister has been extra cute the last while. He’s just a nice little dog to spend time with. Posey is also nice, to me at least. They have a new dog sitter for next weekend, so I really hope it works out better. They are going to my cousin’s house in Hamilton. I hope she can handle them!

I’ve talked in four university classes the last two weeks. One day I had two classes to talk in, which was so weird because I felt redundant giving the same lecture about my career. I’ve put my first ever video online, so it’s nice to be able to start out with that one and explain the situation in 1995, how there were no representations of teenage lesbians in the media, etc etc. And how scandalous that video was to conservatives who only read the title.

That’s a common problem with conservatives, they read titles of art or films or whatever and then have cows based on that. Like, watch the film/look at the art! Of course that doesn’t make much of a difference either.

I’ve discovered something this week though about my older more controversial work. It seems really tied in with being a teen/young and talking about sex and sexuality. Like I think that was the intersection that upset people the most, Queer youth talking about sex and desire. Now that I am no longer a youthy person, I don’t make work where that intersection happens. So it’s not as big a deal. So interesting! And it’s kind of funny because so many heterosexual teen films feature sex and sexuality in them, and I think the het part of it made it safe and “universal” whatever that means. But Queers? Nope! In fact, you should just have straight sex until you’re more mature. Fuck that!

Ha ha anyway, it’s been an interesting few days. I have to really get this writing assignment done. I might be stuck actually, I think I need to get feedback. Ahhhhhhhh! Ha ha, no it’s fun being creative. It sucks being poor. But that’s a temporary condition.

I’m excited because I can divulge information here soon about something cool. I don’t know when tho! This month sometime!

Life is good, it got warmer finally. I found out my friend Riki is staying here longer because she got into school, so that’s nice cause I like hanging out with her. We went to see Get Out and these women were talking next to her and she told them to shut up and was really assertive and it was cool, I’m so bad with conflict and being assertive. Like someone will be an ass and I smile and nod and then shit talk them when they’re gone. Oh man now no one is gonna trust me when I smile and nod! Anyway, maybe I will learn to deal with conflict the older I get.

QWERTY Power

I’ve been writing today and it’s going well. I keep thinking of things the story editor/consultant told me and it’s making me work harder and take more things into consideration. Some scenes that I am reincorporating but rewriting have gotten a lot more exciting. I have written about eight pages worth of bios for characters (single spaced!) and two pages of outline. But there’s a lot not in the outline yet, and I’m going to have to strip it down again for a more concise outline AND then write scene by scene breakdowns. It’s a lot of work, and I have to get it done by next week to have the next talk with the editor about changes and if it’s ready to write another draft. There have been some major changes, some things got tossed, somethings are new, somethings are shifted a bit, but it’s overall a very different (and I think more interesting and complex) story than the first draft.

So it’s fun but the pressure is on! And I think I’m gonna be working on it all next weekend. I kind of took Sunday and Monday off because I needed a little break. But back at it! I’m trying to keep the core essence of the story there, which is that a woman has a magical power of fire and is seeking answers and justice for her missing mother. And so there’s still that, but I’m trying to work with it in a more interesting and thoughtful way. She’s more of a complex character this time around. She has issues, she’s not perfect, she could be better to the people who love her. I tried to give all of my characters some more complexity in their bios so they weren’t hollow always innocent or evil people, but it will probably shift a bit more. And also realizing she has this power isn’t as instant as in the first draft. She needs to piece it together this time.

I got some really good feedback from the story editor so I feel like it’s pushing me to a really interesting place creatively. Of course part of me wonders if I am on the right track or if I am still holding back or if it’s just too many locations, etc etc. But this is a process so I am trusting the process.

ALSO I found out I got a commission from the Vancouver Indigenous Media Arts Festival and Queer Arts Festival to do a short experimental video for the QAF this summer. So I have some money to work on that, which is SUPER nice, and I have a couple other shorts to finish, one which I am making with my friend Riki. And I have another 2 Spirit video to do by the end of April. So there’s a lot of work right now, and some involves decent dollars and some does not but it’s all really exciting to be making so much work.

The writing right now is my top priority but I’m not really worried about finding time to do the other stuff. It’s really writing that takes a while for me, and some of those scripts are already written or will involve monologues which are easier for me to write. It’s nice to be doing what I was trained to do! And also when all is said and done I will have a more polished screenplay and also three short videos which can go out into the world and find out if people want to see them.

I am also involved in programming for TQFF this year. I started watching some submissions last night and it was a really interesting thing to experience. We’re using Film Freeway so it’s so much easier than the old days when we had to look at DVD’s or tapes. And also it’s just good to see what’s out there, even the stuff I’m not as into. I am pretty busy! But it’s a nice busy. I mean, right now. I might hate it in three weeks I don’t know!

FRIDAY! :D

When you are a self employed artist/writer type, there’s not really a such thing as a weekend. But I like being part of something, so every time weekday workers on my FB feed get excited for Friday I end up joining in. Yay Friday!

I’ve got a loose deadline for the next phase of writing, so I have been working on that. I was writing bios for characters part of the week, and also working on an outline, and sometimes I go back and forth between them when one informs the other. I also had a more productive conversation through chat with my collaborator Riki who is working on a video with me. I think we have some solid beginnings for a comedic short that will write itself (I hope!). There is another video that people are asking me for from stills from and it isn’t shot yet, so that is breathing down my neck.

But overall I am feeling productive. I had one sucky day. I was out of Vyvanse, had to do some things, just ended up feeling like a lump. But today and the other days were pretty good. I’ve been upped to 30mg of Vyvanse. So I am hoping I don’t get insomnia or any of the other shitty things that could come with it. I took my night meds tho and am yawning so that’s a good sign.

It’s funny because I had a breakthrough in my script today and was all feeling happy about it, but it’s grim material so it’s hard to talk about when enthused! Awkward. BUT it adds a whole new layer and makes things more complex and I’m really excited to incorporate this next twist into the work.

And I am also yawny and shit. Right now. But it’s been an exciting day! And the dogs are great, quiet, happy, I was home most of the day so they were in heaven. Tomorrow I’m just running out to get groceries and go to my producer’s get together. So hopefully they don’t panic!

Worst Dogsitter of All Time Fallout

So I came home from my trip on Saturday night to a notice from Toronto Animal Services about the barking and not having licenses (but I did have licenses and we worked that out!), two bags of garbage in the living room, poop on the floor, a sink of dirty dishes, so many empty cans of dog food on the counter, a cut up Wellbutrin pill on a plate that looks a hell of a lot like someone was snorting it or injecting it, and an empty bottle of vodka on the floor. No dog sitter to be found. He called me and came by the next day to give back the key and I was so pissed but just wanted him out of my face.

So I’m back to looking for another dog sitter/boarding situation. I was lucky that because this was the first time Toronto Animal Services was called with an excessive barking complaint that I am not getting a thousands of dollar fine. But it still FREAKED ME OUT and obviously I was upset not knowing how much neglect these dogs went through while I was gone.

I’ve been trying to get them used to me being out for short periods of time again. There was only one day they had a hard time, Monday, when I took my laptop with me for a story session with my producers and editor/consultant. I came back to them barking. But the other few days I’ve been out they have been doing pretty good. I went out tonight and came back just 20 minutes past 10 and they were nice and quiet and happy to get some chicken I brought them. So slowly we are getting back to them feeling secure. But I’ve really only been going out for 3-4 hours at a time, sometimes less. They feel better I think.

Other shit is going on, but most of it doesn’t have to do with me directly anyway so I’m not going to write about it. There’s some good stuff in my life and I have some writing work to do this next while, which is fun.

I’m totally crashing! It’s bedtime!

Daylight savings time screwed me over when I came back Saturday night because I was still on Sask time (and so was my laptop) and then the time changed and suddenly it was four in the morning! I was shocked!

Telefilm, Saskatoon, Arty Trip and Barking Dogs

So FINALLY (after trying to keep it a secret for weeks!) I can tell you that my producers and I have gotten Telefilm Development Funds to work on my feature Evil Fire, which I had worked on as my thesis project at Ryerson and which won an OUTtv Award at Ryerson and won Best Low Budget Screenplay at Female Eye Film Fest last year. It’s a huge step in my career and the first time this particular project has gotten funds of this nature. It’s also the first time I have had funding for a feature film, which is super exciting. I will be doing two more drafts of this script and then we’ll see what’s happening with it. I also get to work with a story consultant/editor, which is pretty exciting. It’s not a surefire guarantee that it’s gonna get the funding to be produced, but it’s a pretty good chance!

There’s been a lot on my mind around this project the last few months, meetings and contracts and waiting and stuff. Exciting stuff!

Right now I am in Saskatoon getting ready for my opening tomorrow night at AKA Gallery. I’m showing three videos along with artist Andrew McPhail. Today I went to check things out and give suggestions for installation. And I won potato wedges on a free coffee I had won from Tim Hortons, so that was nice, though I have never had their wedges. I’m just here until Saturday night, so that’s nice. Short trip! It’s been super stressful though because people keep telling me my dogs are barking a lot at home. And obviously I am far away and can’t do a whole hell of a lot. I sent my friend Terri to check on them yesterday, and the dog sitter is around enough that they have water and clean pads. So I’m not sure what’s up. I think Posey just is super anxious. It’s stressful for me though because I feel relatively powerless and know at least one of my neighbours has had it in for me and my dogs for a long time. So if the dog sitter can’t keep them quiet consistently I’m worried I’ll get kicked out. It’s fucked up my whole trip and right now I really just want to be home with them. My sleep is fucked, I’m super irritated, it’s hard to like things right now and I keep being pissed by small things. So I don’t know what to do. I tried to see if someone could stay with them more full time than my dog sitter seems to be doing, but no one was available. So I honestly did all I could. Stressful! I might try to find a kennel to put them in next time. It’s hard cause it’s so expensive. I tried to ask another dog sitter about watching them next month but I haven’t heard back so I don’t know. Either way I need to find a more solid dog care option that my neighbours can’t complain about. I work from home so the dogs are used to having a lot of attention.

Anyway, yeah! Stressed out fucked up trip. But I got Telefilm funding! 😀

I’m doing better

Ha ha anyway so after my shitty day and distressed post the other day, I feel like I should return here and let you know I’m doing better and thank you for the support.

I feel like a bunch of things have happened, but not really. I got paid so I paid most of my outstanding bills today, which was a relief. I just owe some on my phone bill now. I went to a screening of work by Wrik Mead last night at OCAD with my friend Riki, which was fun. He does experimental queer film so it was great seeing that. Some of the bloody stuff, in particular sewing a patch onto someone’s arm, is hard to watch though. I have such a weird relationship to bloodplay and play piercing. Like when I have done the piercing stuff it’s kind of fun, but I HATE watching it! Like at sexy lesbian shows in Vancouver I would always cringe when some leatherdykes would start doing a play piercing performance. And so seeing it done with a sewing needle WAS EVEN WORSE! In my mind I’m like “OMFG that is such a blunt needle relatively speaking!” Ha ha even tho it was a good film.

I wonder what that is about, that I could do something (not with a sewing needle tho) but still have a hard time watching it?

Anyway! The dogs are doing good. I wasn’t able to take them on our usual walk yesterday because I had a really bad day in terms of energy. My sleep the night before was shitty because I had a lot on my mind. I was worried I was starting to get Vyvanse related insomnia, but then last night I had a great sleep. So I think the Vyvanse thing is still ok! But today is a good energy day so I walked the pups and they had fun, Posey sniffed a lot of things. Little Mister just likes to march along and not pause on his walks except to pee and poo, but Posey wants to know everything that is going on and investigate things with her nose. I think it’s because Little Mister had a strict puppyhood as a show dog, and Posey has had shitty training so far so she still does what she wants. Although I do like that she wants to explore, I think it’s important for her.

Anyway, back to the Vyvanse. This coming Tuesday will be two weeks on it. It’s been pretty awesome, I do notice I am more sensitive to coffee though, so I might cut back. And on caffeine in general. :/ But I love the beverages that are usually caffeinated. I’m still appreciating the benefits of better focus and reading and stuff. I haven’t read a book in a while (I feel shameful about this!) but I have a bunch that I’ve been meaning to get to so I think I might try again. My focus always used to wander away, or I would prioritize short form blogging like Facebook posts over actually sustaining reading for a novel. I think most of my recent reading has been friends books because they have been shorter and/or also because they are my friends so of course I am interested in what they’ve worked on.

My strict rules about Facebook usage fell out the window when my daily work tasks temporarily dried up. So I’ve been wasting time on there again during work hours. I think I’m going to try going back to it, the rules I mean. It’s hard. What a terrible addiction. The part that frustrates me is knowing how tenuous and ephemeral Facebooking is. Eventually that site is gonna die, or someone will get mad at me and get my account deleted, or something like all their servers will get taken out. And all those years will be for naught. I can’t keep my Facebook posts. I can’t download and import them to a different platform. I know Zuckerberg wants to make Facebook the internet, but shit, I don’t think it’s going to be a forever thing. And maybe that is a good thing.

Internet.

Ha ha anyway. I had a cute date, that was nice! Ha ha but I’m not talking about it here so never you mind.

Ahh and you know, there’s background stuff going on I can’t mention here. But that’s ok. It’s fine. I only won a donut this year so far on Roll Up The Rim. My goal is a coffee. I know there’s fancy prizes too, but I also know the odds! I haven’t bought a lottery ticket in a while. I’m not as excited by them. And anyway, I have to work on another grant soon.