it’s a nice calm Sunday morning. I’m drinking coffee and reading Facebook. I don’t know why I get addicted to these sites except that it’s nice reading about my friends. I’ve decided to apply for the directors lab at the Canadian Film Centre in Toronto. I think I need a chance to work on my directorial skills. Sometimes I’m not too sure about them, but I know if I got more training I would have it down pat. So far I’ve only directed my friends and myself, so a little more work on my skills would be good.
In less than a week I’ll be at Banff, working on a new project, Dangerous Bird. It’s kind of a funny ode to the war on terror, with a cryptozoology twist.
I’ve been seriously considering joining a local ghost hunting group, on the paranormal end of things. I’ve been wanting to join one for ages. All I know about ghost hunting I learned from Yvette Fielding! Seriously though, I’ve had way too many encounters with the unknown to dismiss ghosts. I think poltergeists are the scariest ones I’ve run into. They are so crabby. Anyway, it would also be a good chance for me to meet more people in this town, which is something I need to do. I’m glad to notice I’m steadily expanding my repetoire of friends here in Saskatoon. I really didn’t have too many before.
Transitioning to a guy is a funny process. So far it’s been getting people used to my new name, the pronouns are taking a while to come to people’s lips though. I’m doing good but I’ll be glad when the FTM group starts again. I need to have some support in this. I dunno. It’s good to have support groups for this kind of stuff. I’m excited about starting hormones although I don’t know when it will happen. Sometime in the next year I guess. It’s irritating having to wait, but I’m glad I’ll be stabilized when it starts. I have no idea how moody I’ll get. But that one shot I had didn’t make me feel like, ragey or moody or anything. In fact, I felt perfectly normal.
Maybe that’s how my transition will be. Just normal. I hope so. Testosterone: An Encounter With the Unknown.
You know, I thought I felt normal right around when I took testosterone. But later looking back I can see that I was angrier and more confrontational about perceived injustice to my person and I acted on my anger by letting those people who made me angry know it. I totally went after my mom for how she has given my sister so much more than me and I credit the testosterone for giving me the “balls” to do that. I literally felt so angry I couldn’t NOT tell her. It was eating me up and I felt like she HAD to hear how angry I was about the situation. Was I in control of my emotions and “normal”? At the time I thought I was being reasonable and honest but really my emotions were totally getting the better hand of me.
She didn’t need to hear about my anger while I was in the midst of it still and my venting didn’t strengthen our relationship. It just made her more distant and cold and gave her a chance to point to me as having a problem. I wanted her to do something to rectify her lack of support and being angry, wanting something from someone who doesn’t want to give or isn’t capable of seeing wtf you’re talking about, engaging them in any kind of interaction on an emotional level is an exercise in futility.
I’m thinking the whole thing was prolly part of a transitional effect that would have rectified itself with a constant regimen of hormone but yeah… fersure get support from people who’ve been there. And remember to tread lightly as you get used to how the hormones change you.