I hope people don’t think I’m standoffish, I’m just horribly shy.

It’s a curse. People say kids grow out of shyness, but no, they just grow into adults with different kinds of shyness. My main shyness is terribly cute girls. They can make me turn beet red. I hope I’m not allergic!

I don’t know why I’m so shy around girls. I think it’s a lack of self esteem. I have to rely on my personality here, where as in Vancouver I coasted by on video art fame.

Speaking of videos, my distributor V Tape in Toronto is getting my two new tapes, the revamped Madness In Four Actions, and the humourous and sexy short, You Are A Lesbian Vampire. So festival world, OH PLEEZE invite me to a festival somewhere semi glamourous! I will be oh so grateful to have the chance to travel again.

I’m also realizing I’m missing Vancouver. Not in a way of wanting to move there, but just wanting to visit, to see my old haunts, to visit friends and ex lovers, to go to the nudie beach and look for seals and smoke some reefer. Just a nice BC trip. So I can’t afford it this year, but next year I’m either going to get a show in Vancouver or I’m going to scrape up enough for a proper visit. It is beautiful, and I have some really close friends out there.

My oldest friend, as in the one I’ve been friends with the longest, Laurel, has known me since we were two. I try to keep friends, I do have falling outs, but I can be voted most likely to patch it up and move on. Although I have born grudges for longer than I should. I think I’m over that now.

I’ve grown up a lot since I first moved back to Saskatoon. It’s amazing what being thirty will do for you, it puts everything into perspective. I used to be so gung ho about my career. Then I got diagnosed bipolar and getting recovered took a lot out of me. Now I think I’m really ready to work on my career more. I really am totally career driven, I always have been. That was my zen centre, making videos! The writing, the shooting, the editing, and all those lovely festivals. I need to incorporate it into my life more, and having this camera and computer system is just the ticket. I love being able to shoot when ever I want. and edit whenever I want. It’s amazing that our world has made this possible, for the average person to have their own mini production suite.

And it’s more reliable to have your own camera, you’re not dependent on rental cameras which get beat up fast no matter how careful people are. I had my own camera when I was seventeen. It was my birthday present. It was just a consumer hi 8 camera, with no white balance, but I made like, five videos on that thing. Maybe more!

And this one is my baby. Next to my apartment it’s my favorite thing I’ve gotten this year. The camera I mean. I love having shit.

It would be cool if I got a girlfriend this year, but I have to overcome my horrible shyness. It’s no fun. Bleh.

I get so squirrelly when I see someone cute. dammit!

My cousin Steven got a girlfriend last year after a really long period of no girlfriend. I’m happy for him, he seems happy. He’s turning out nice, I hope.

Anyway, that song up there is Ghosts by Ladytron. and it’s dedicated to all the cute girls I miss out on by being shy.