Today was a whirlwind of last minute editing and typey-typing and smoothing out and I was all set to print at 9:30 this evening. I printed out all my financials and then I moved onto my business plan, and I was halfway through printing out my business plan when the paper ran out.

CRAPPY!

Luckily I don’t have to have it all printed until tomorrow before supper, we are going to stop at Staples on the way home and photocopy it all into four neat little packages to give to the panel at my presentation Friday morning. I have to do a couple edits on a video tomorrow too and print it to tape to take with me and show them. I am nervous for my presentation, I have to get some good notes written. It’s going to be 20 minutes with 10 minutes for questions. Considering I’ve done numerous artist talks that are longer than that, I think I am going to be okay. It’s mostly getting every bit of information I have to present ordered and facts jotted down.

Next week I am shooting some video for AIDS Saskatoon as a volunteer gig and I also have a bookkeeping class to attend. But aside from that I am a mostly free agent after this week and am supposed to be securing financing and incorporating and getting my business license and so forth, all those little start up things. I have to register my domain name too. I am lucky in that the dot com is available for my company, woo hoo! I also have to try and get some quotes for my logo/website/business card design. Oh, and flyers. And I have to put together some more in my reel, maybe by editing completely new footage just to demonstrate some of my editing skillz.

I’m sooooooo tired! I will probably let myself sleep in for a couple hours tomorrow, I stayed up until 4am and got up at 8am yesterday, and even though I had eight hours of sleep since then it has still taken a lot out of me. My stomach has also been bothering me again lately, with puking sometimes, and I think it might be my gallbladder acting up, it was quiet for a few months! I really have to call my surgeon. I need it cut out of me! Take it away! And all it’s stones!

I kind of hope they put them in a jar and let me see the evil huge stone which will never squeeze through my duct. I wanna see!

I’m excited about venturing into the business world. I’m sure it will bring a whole host of new issues into my life, but it’s going to be so different from working for other people. I mean, I will work for my clients, but I won’t have a boss. I’ll be the boss! 😀

I really want to go to Burning Man this year. The theme is Rites of Passage. I’m imagining some gay male hazing ritual (and aren’t all hazings semi-homoerotic?) of some little naked newbie running by a line of leathermen who are all paddling his little butt as he runs. Or Parker Posey squirting ketchup on my naked nubile body.

But I have to save up for that, and since I can’t earn any more than what CanSask gives me until the end of July, I am going to be strapped for cash. And even after that I am not sure how many clients I will have or if I will be making enough money. Hopefully by then I will have semi-regular business. My overhead is not very much, which is a major plus of running a home based business. For instance my rent is fifty bucks. Not my real rent for living here, which is 400, but my office rent.

Jeepers this business plan is FAT! Maybe I should photocopy it double sided.

Aw, lil’ Mister is sleeping on the cushion next to me with his head on the floor. I found a picture of him in my email standing on four cans. It was what his breeder did when she was selling him to show how well trained he was. Of course I have never been able to get him to do it since. Once I said “Roll over” and he did! I was like “OMG! You know a trick!” But then he refused to ever do it again.

However sometimes he will shake his bum if I say “Shake yer bum!” and it is so freakin’ cute! I’ll say it over and over and he’ll keep shaking it to make me laugh!

Tonight I saw my sister Sky. We cuddled, which is more like her mauling me, and she spouted gibberish non-stop. I like listening to all the words she makes up. Tonight she was saying something like “Tidd tidd tidd tidd tidd tidd tidd tidd tidd.”

She also says something that sounds an awful lot like “Yeah!” So maybe she is adding one more real word to her limited vocabulary.

No more paper! 🙁 Tis a sad thing. Now I wish I had listened when Mum told me not to print that grant application due in April. I don’t even need it right now. 🙁

Also next week I am going to have some more time to write my Mars Script, which has been gathering electronic dust on my computer. I need it done by April 1st for the Aboriginal Media Arts deadline. I’ve decided to apply in that category because I think I might have a better chance than in the regular media arts program, since only one jury member on those juries is aboriginal. And it is a specifically aboriginal work dealing with aboriginal issues, although since it is science fiction and talking about contemporary issues we deal with, a non-native jury might think it isn’t at all relevant to my community when it is. Last time it was because I submitted a documentary clip (and a non-doc video) for my support material and for some reason they didn’t think it had bearing on the project. Since when does one video have to do with the next? Do I have to pigeonhole myself? Such a drag. Also some people have said they might have issues with giving me a big budget because my history has been self funded low budget works and why don’t I just stick with that?

In fact some people have told me to make the video anyway, but I don’t want to rip off actors by not paying them and I don’t want to not have a set, since they are in a space ship for the majority of the video. How can you make a science fiction space film with no spaceship? And I have to rent a studio to shoot in without outside noise, which is going to cost more money. So no, I am not shooting this tape in a closet with my finger puppets. And plus the whole point of making this video is to get more directing experience so that I can move forward on Bunnyhug, the feature film I wrote.

The good thing about incorporating my company is that I can also use it as a production company later on and be able to get some money from Telefilm, hopefully.

Thank god I am stabilized on my medication. I could hardly work when I was not stable. Having bipolar disorder is a bit like being on a seesaw with someone way bigger than me on the other end. Up in the air with feet dangling, then crashing down on my bum, over and over again. But right now that seesaw just feels like flat earth, calm and centered. I’m relieved.

Dr. Conacher is going to be taking me off of my Celexa completely because it is still negatively affecting my libido. Kinda sucks. I’m sure if the opportunity presented itself again I could go with it, but I wouldn’t be the best initiator.

My make out friend won’t make out with me anymore. It kinda sucks. I didn’t even care about getting into her pants by the end of it, but I do like kissing, it’s probably my favorite thing. Oh well. And then someone I hoped would be my new make out friend has had major health issues recently and is unavailable for making out. Soooo, well that sucks.

And bites.

I’m starting to come to terms with the fact that the love of my life does not love me. It hurts, but I really should move on and allow myself to open up to new women who can actually deliver on what I want. I wrote to her about Matthew, and she never even wrote back with condolences or sympathy or anything. I thought it was pretty cold. So maybe part of that is a good thing in that I can see how she really is, which is not loving towards me at all, even as a friend. Even a one line email back would have been nice. I didn’t expect some long lengthy debriefing on suicide’s aftermath, just something like “I’m sorry to hear about your friend. I am sending you good vibes” or SOMETHING!

Apathy is even worse than outright hate. At least with hate you know there is some kind of passion. Negative yes, but at least it is SOMETHING!

It’s been a weird few days because I have been so busy with school that I haven’t had much time to think about Matthew, but he still drifts into my head at the most unusual times. I talked to my psychiatric nurse yesterday about him. She told me about a funeral she went to for a daycare worker and a lot of children attended and they told a story in the service. It went something like this. There were these waterbugs and every once in a while a waterbug would go up a blade of grass and disappear, and never come back. And all these waterbugs were worried about what happens up there and where their friends were going. So one waterbug said to the others “When I go up the blade of grass I will come back and tell you what happens.” So one day it went up the blade of grass and became a dragonfly. But it realized it could not go back. It was a story to explain death to children.

So it makes me wonder where Matthew has gone, and what he has transformed into. I have a feeling where ever he is he is happy. I just wish he had stayed longer and been happy with us.

Little Mister and I have to go to bed!
Shake yer bum Little Mister!