SO ANYWAY ha ha I guess since I wrote like, ONE PARAGRAPH about babymaking in the last post, I have been thinking more about it and I kind of wanted to give a bigger update on what is happening.

SO originally I went to get my eggs retrieved and frozen last year because I wanted to someday soon have a baby. And that’s still the goal. But also a big part of me was just so fucking tired of waiting for a partner who would take me seriously enough to have a baby with me and raise it and be with us for the rest of our lives, when I couldn’t even get someone to change their facebook relationship status to “In A Relationship” with me the entire time I have had Facebook (since 2007). So yeah I was all FUCK IT I’M DOING IT MYSELF! And got that referral to CreATe fertility clinic from my G.P. And yeah that whole process of getting massive hormonal injections and then eggs retrieved happened. And while I was going through that process I couldn’t help but compare my solitary situation to all these couples who were you know, doing it TOGETHER and in it TOGETHER and helping each other out and getting coffee for each other and discussing next steps TOGETHER. And I’m like, alone. Finally the fertility clinic said I needed to bring someone with me for the very last step which was when I got the eggs retrieved, because I would be under conscious sedation and not totally tip top and able to get home on my own. And so a friend did come and help me get home.

BUT all the rest of my appointments were all by myself. And I usually can do things by myself, like I eat dinner in restaurants by myself quite frequently. I go to movies on my own. I live alone. I have had sex alone MOST OF MY LIFE. But I don’t know, after going through the process of doing fertility stuff I realized I felt woefully unequipped to have a baby by myself.

AND if no one comes along I will still have a baby. I know this about myself. But it’s so weird, there’s this situation that made me kind of panic when I thought about it and really made me worry. I was like OKAY so what if the baby pooped EVERYWHERE and I’m like cleaning him up (I have a feeling I’m gonna have a son but I could be surprised) and then I realize I used the last diaper and I need someone to run to the store and get me diapers AND ALSO some pop because I’m stressed and thirsty. I mean logically I know I could wrap up the baby in a cloth diaper or a towel or something and run there and back with him. BUT I just think damn it would be easier if there was one more person doing this with me. I don’t know why it’s that specific situation that made me stop and think.

BUT like I said in the last post, this year I am banking sperm from my donor for future use to create this small being. So that’s still steps that are being taken to get from No Baby to Maybe Baby. I’m not going on the adoption list because I have bipolar disorder and I think it’s going to disqualify me to adopt. At least from what I could gather reading about adoptive parent requirements, that seems to knock me out of the chances of raising a baby that way. Which yeah it sucks. Anyway, making a baby this way is the most logical that I can see. So that’s what I am doing. I still need to find a surrogate. Which is potentially expensive. UNLESS…

See and this is why I’m like oh fuck who is gonna want to date me now because I could have my future partner carry our baby. I mean I don’t know, maybe I am just hanging around the wrong people. It seems like a big dealbreaker. And it’s not like she would HAVE to, because we could still get a surrogate. It’s just very convenient if the other mother carries the baby. So yeah fuck.

I guess at least I know what I want???

See when I was younger I was mostly looking for partners based on kink compatibility. But now it’s shifting into some totally different thing where I’m not like “Ooooh how toppy is this Femme?” it’s more like “Would she be a good parent?” I’m sure there must be Femme tops out there who want to parent ALSO though. Oh god I hope so.

I think I was ruined as a teenager by anti-parenting propaganda. There was all this panic about teen pregnancy rates, so my generation was taught oh you have to be responsible and ready and making X amount of dollars to have a baby and have a partner. You need to be So Grown Up which is fine when you are a teenager, but when you sail through your 20’s and 30’s still feeling Not Grown Up enough to have a baby because of poverty, that kind of sucks. It’s classism really. And I’ve never even lived with a romantic partner. So yeah, having a baby got put off until I had enough money to pay for fertility stuff. And had just gotten tired and old. And now I don’t know the egg quality I actually have, and I won’t know until we go to fertilize them. So who knows how this will turn out.

But I really do want to have a baby with a partner now, and that’s made things difficult again. Because now I’m like how long am I willing to wait for this to happen? I already turn 41 next month. At least my eggs got frozen at 40. Ugh. I come from a line of long living people, like nineties minimum, one great grandma actually lived to 103. So it’s not unreasonable to bet I can do another 50 years and make sure my kid grows up okay and is stable before I disappear.

Life is fucking complicated. And my Mom was a single parent with special needs kids. Like it is POSSIBLE and I know cause I’ve seen it. But it’s the biggest difficulty setting on the parenting game and I just don’t know if I can do it or not.

There are things I think about having a kid that I really want though, like just the sort of emotional care that goes into it, and making sure they grow up with decent values and social skills. And being aware that they might have some of the same things I have, but being more prepared than my Mom was because I know how to live with those things. And kids are so weird and interesting and unpredictable. I kind of love that about them.

Anyway who knows!