Cautiously optimistic

It’s thanksgiving weekend here in Canada and like a chump I didn’t line up a turkey dinner at all. It’s too bad. I know the whole politics around it and why would an Indigenous person celebrate thanksgiving and blah blah blah but I still miss the turkey and cranberry sauce.

I performed Love Is The Only Socially Acceptable Psychosis at 7a*11d this past week, and I had a HUGE crowd and a lot of positive responses. I was so sick this past week though, like if I could I would have just laid in bed all week, but the show must go on! I was worried I was gonna pass out on stage. And I don’t know why I am so honestly shy and socially anxious in “real life” yet still fine with stripping in front of dozens of Torontonians. It’s just weird.

I’m getting better, not so sick. Still snuffly though. I had a sore throat the very first night I got sick but it went away thank god, and turned into mostly a runny nose/sweaty cold. It’s been brutal. I miss my health ha ha. It sometimes feels like I’ll never be freed of it, even though I can feel myself getting better every day.

I finally walked the dogs today and my foot didn’t hurt. It wasn’t healing for the longest time, but something tells me it’s actually healing now. I have an appointment with the fracture clinic in a week and a bit, and I am hoping I get some good news. By then it will be just over 12 weeks since I broke my 5th metatarsal. I am so busy and out of town so much the next few months that I’m worried if we do have to do surgery it will need to wait until January. I’m going home for a month at Christmas, and I am going to Australia for two weeks in November, and generally busy with other things besides all of that. ImagineNATIVE is coming up and I am screening a video there. And TQFF is in the very beginning of November and I’ll be busy with that.

I still think about doing another IVF/egg retrieval cycle while I have youngish eggs. Like younger than they will be when I am 41 anyway. I don’t know. I know I have really unknown chances of making a baby with my eggs and part of me wishes I could just already try it and see what happens. But I don’t have a surrogate figured out yet. And I haven’t even taken the sperm donor to the clinic to leave a specimen and get it checked out. And I know they have to quarantine that for a few months still. It’s such an involved process.

I’m not really sure what my future will bring in terms of my family I want to have. I have noticed my priorities have changed in the last several months, especially in terms of what I am looking for in a partner. I’m still on OKCupid and someone liked me and sent a message but it’s the second woman to like and message me looking for a date who says very clearly in their profile that they are not looking to have children. So I’m not even sure why they are messaging me. Like it straight up says in my first paragraph of my bio that I want kids. I dunno, people are weird. Maybe they think they can squeeze some sex out of me anyway or something. I’m really into sex but also I am really tired of dating people who only want a good time. And I don’t want to get attached to someone who is gonna devalue me in the end anyway so they can dump me and move on to the next good time.

I’m finally I think having some decent realistic self esteem, which is good. Like I can see my good qualities and things. And when people treat me kind of shitty like they don’t see those things, it just really makes me shake my head and move on. I’m trying to break some old patterns. It’s hard, I have certain situations I keep falling into and getting really involved with. But I think I’m more able to see it and redirect.

I dunno, what else? The dogs are in a good mood. Little Mister has been dancing around a lot. He’s a pretty happy guy these days. Posey loved her walk today, she hasn’t seen the park in a while. I finally stopped crying over someone a couple of weeks ago and it’s been way better. I think I cried for like a year and it was intense and so ridiculous and I was starting to worry people in the courtyard of my co-op could all see me crying everyday. Ha ha omg. ON THE OTHER HAND crying is very healing and I guess I was going through larger issues. I’m feeling cautiously optimistic about life right now.

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