Today I was trying to talk to Mom about boring stuff I did today but she was watching a Harry Potter marathon and kept telling me plot details I already knew. I was like “I’ve seen it like 20 times and read the books 4 times!” and then she was like “Well it’s more interesting than the minutia of your life!” OMG! And yeah I had a boring day, I woke up and did injections, ordered groceries, did some laundry. Like that was basically it. Cuddled the dogs a lot. BUT STILL I don’t want to hear the same old Harry Potter plot points. Ha ha ha!

It’s six weeks tonight since I broke my 5th metatarsal. I’m getting an Xray on Tuesday and I’ll get to find out if I can take the boot off. I’m nervous because it still sometimes hurts when I walk on it, even in the boot. I walked without the boot to the bathroom the other day and it hurt when I got there and I was worried I would be trapped and hurt without my boot. But I got it. I’m worried I’ll have to wear it two more weeks, god I hope not. I’m really wanting to just wear stiff shoes or something.

This week things are very much up in the air and I can’t make advance plans about anything really. My ovaries are getting huge and I’m going to get my eggs retrieved sometime this week, between Tuesday and Thursday. I can’t imagine it going on to Friday, the timeline for this cycle stops on the 6th. I’m nervous as hell about it but like, so far things have been fine. I’m gonna be consciously sedated and that phrase kind of scares me because I don’t really know what it means and I was sedated for my ablation and it still hurt like hell. But that was in Saskatoon, and the Saskatoon Health Region doesn’t do good pain management for Indigenous people. I’m nervous! I hate being in pain, yeah I know blah blah insert joke about masochists. BUT NO I don’t really find medical things sexy and having a needle go through my vagina to aspirate follicles isn’t really my kink. Like fuck that would be a weirdly specific kink anyway.

Some trans friends last night asked how I felt about being on the hormones. It’s funny because I assumed I would be like, SUPER emotional, or moody, or dramatic and crying everywhere or something. But actually I feel pretty good. Like I feel very clear, and peaceful, and happy most of the time. Like sure I still get irked by things and have some shitty feelings from time to time. But overall I have a sense of wellbeing. My sex drive has improved a bit, I think that’s because of those cabergoline side effects. I feel a bit more mature or something too which is interesting. Maybe mature is the wrong word. I just have less time for bullshit and I feel my ability to let go of negative experiences and relationships is getting better. Like maybe stuff still bothers me, but I don’t have time for it anymore.

I’m kind of letting go of a couple of friendships right now. They were never in person friendships really anyway. One of them hasn’t been initiating messaging me lately and I think it’s a sign that I just need to give it up, I think it kind of got fucked up a long time ago and I didn’t really address it, and maybe I didn’t need to. Maybe we just should have stopped pretending to be friends at that point and just been colleagues or whatever. Another friendship is like, more on hold than over. I just really am in this space in my life where I need to have some support and be listened to and for whatever reason I’m not feeling like I am getting that from this person.

I think maybe also all of this stems from just wanting to get to the next chapter of my life with like, a real partner and a kid or two and a more professional career. Like yeah people get upset about experimental filmmakers wanting to work in The Industry, but also there’s more money there than in experimental film. And I think I can do both. I dunno, it seems like I don’t want to dick around so much anymore with friends who aren’t there for me. Maybe I’ll be able to have more shallow conversations about nothing with people again after these eggs are retrieved and I can take a break from thinking about this for a moment.

But at the same time it’s going to be ongoing, trying to figure out how to have babies. And then raising those babies to be kind people. Maybe it will just make me be one of those shitty moms who suddenly only hangs out with other moms. That sounds kind of boring and shitty tho, and a lot of my friends aren’t gonna have babies. I think I understand why parents do that though, it’s like you’re going through the same thing and can relate to each other. I sort of felt that way when I first got diagnosed with bipolar disorder in my mid twenties. I started hanging out mostly with other people who had mental health issues. Especially other people who had been in psych wards. Cause they GOT IT.

There’s supposedly people going through the same thing as me at the fertility clinic, but I haven’t made any fertility friends. Ha ha that sounds like a club. There is a support group for single people having babies though, I might check it out. I like support groups generally. I’ve been to queer youth ones, trans ones, concurrent disorders ones. OH but there’s always that one person who shows up and takes up all the time. Ugh I hate that person.