OMG. So I am out of town right now, in Vancouver, and my foot is broken still obviously. Like it HAS gotten a lot better, but it still hurts if I stand on it for a longer period of time. I’m pretty much negotiating my way from chair to chair. I walked a couple of blocks the other day with my cousin to Union Market to visit a friend and get snacks, which was fine. But anyway, I’ve really noticed some good and bad things about being temporarily disabled. I mean, none of it is really good, sometimes people make accommodations that are helpful. I got to go into the Special Needs and Family line at the airport in Toronto to get through security. But some random guy noticed it was a shorter line and went under the barrier to get in our line and then he and his friend fucking jumped in front of me. It was really disrespectful. The plane was mostly ok, I only went to the bathroom twice, and my crutches fit in the overhead bin. I got on the plane first which was nice.
I had an alright night when I got to the hotel, my cousin came over and we visited, and the next day I took a cab to her place and visited some more. But then I went to the festival and it was like, really hard. People sort of didn’t know what to do with me at first, like I came in and kind of wanted to just go find a chair to sit down and they kind of stood there not knowing what to do with me, I had to ask to sit down a couple of times, at one point some white media bros were sitting on a couch I had been sitting on and there was nowhere else to sit and they were clearly able bodied and looking at me and saw me in crutches and my aircast and still didn’t get up or make room so I could sit down, so I had to ask staff for a chair. And they did bring me a chair, which was nice. Like the staff was trying to be accommodating. A few times I went to the accessible toilets and the rest of the toilets were downstairs so I couldn’t go use them, I can do stairs but I didn’t feel safe doing it there. Anyway, every time I went to the accessible toilets there was an able bodied person in there taking a long time. I was getting kind of frustrated. They never apologized when they came out and saw me standing there waiting in my sad crutches and boot. And then at the party there was like, a line to get in that I ended up cutting, and then long lines for drink tickets and drinks. And the festival person got me a drink which was nice. But I was feeling super bummed out and sitting in a chair alone and I ended up leaving and waiting a really long time for a cab to take me back to the hotel. I did talk to a few people, but mostly people were doing other things talking to other people and I couldn’t really do that networking thing or go find friends or anything. So it was very frustrating. I think people don’t think about this stuff. Sometimes I’m appalled people don’t get it that I have a broken foot and need to sit down. Like people just are really careless about their fellow humans, and don’t really give a shit. And I’m supposed to be the artist in residence and some kind of special guest and it like just feels like I’m invisible because I’m sitting in a corner somewhere.
I’m seeing my other cousin tonight for dinner and staying in my hotel doing scriptwriting this afternoon. I am behind and really need to get my script to a better state. I cut a whole bunch of stuff and read all the notes and it’s starting to take shape in a more interesting direction, but I also need to get the characters voices more distinct and make it more visual. I wish I had more time. I also came to this point where I was like “OMFG I’m never writing a horror/thriller again” and then fuck wouldn’t you know it I heard a story from a friend that started making me see this whole movie that was also another fucking horror film. And it could be damned good and I’m like I guess this is my life now!
I’m tired of feeling shitty about my broken foot. Like it’s getting better, I can take short walks like ten feet from the bed to the bathroom without a cast. It’s probably not a good idea yet. BUT ALSO I’m feeling encouraged that I can go that far without collapsing in pain. Like it is GETTING BETTER! And just now I managed to go to the 711 and get some pop, so my morale is improving. Sometimes it’s so damned hard, and sometimes I feel like I’m mentally okay, and sometimes I’m just like fuck put me in stasis until this foot is healed. But also I have a lot of work to do like programming and this scriptwriting and attending this festival and I have a performance coming up in September. AND obviously also editing my doc. Like there’s a ton of work and I don’t know why it piles up every summer. Also I need to write a grant, which is like, important, and I can do it with assistance. But I almost wish I could extend my time, like if I had a time turner like Hermione in Harry Potter so I could do each day three times to get all this work done or something. And I know on some level that the broken foot really kicked the shit out of my productivity, it sucks tho, because I also don’t want to believe my worth is contingent on my productivity. I guess I got really accustomed to working super hard on lots of stuff, and it’s a bit of a kick to the self esteem to know my capacity is not as great as it was. And all of this is going on and I don’t want to complain about work because I really love what I do. I just feel so shitty and sad and it’s hard to do those things right now. It’s only going to be 6 to 8 weeks altogether until I can take this boot off. And already it’s been 19 days. Like it might still hurt for 6 months, BUT the main healing is happening now and this is the roughest part and then it’s gonna get easier. It just sucks that it had to happen near the end of summer, when I have all these projects and this work trip.
I wonder if I will end up getting a cane? If I do I want to make it witchy or cool or something. These mobility aids feel so utilitarian. I mean there’s only so much you can do with them tho. Anyway …. I’m seeing my other cousin Shar today, which will be nice. We are having dinner together. I’m excited to see her. Other people seem to want to see me too, but it’s hard because like, I can’t hop on the bus right now and drop by to say hello. Like it’s all cabs right now, or the driver the festival is giving me.
When my cousin Shar broke something, I think it was her arm or something like that, her boyfriend at the time started calling her Giblet. Ha ha ha omg. Anyway, I was whining to my other cousin Deanna about being worried that I’d be like, broken forever, she said I could start calling myself Giblet 4Lyfe! Ha ha ha omg. It sucks being a Giblet. At least there’s a cute name for this situation.