Why Do I Do This To Myself?

I think this happened last June too. Or something. I have a massive pile up of work. Right now I am looking at some applications for a thing, filling out a grant-type application, working on a script, and finishing a video. ALL with deadlines coming up at the end of the month or very soon. Also since I leave tomorrow for Haida Gwaii for a few days, I gotta clean this apartment for my dog sitter to come and stay here and not get grossed out. I know for a fact there are rotten mangoes in the fridge, and there are fruit flies having some kind of shindig in the kitchen. Even tho there is (to my knowledge) no rotten fruit out (out of the fridge anyway).

I mean the thing is I know I can do this! I KNOW I CAN! There’s other stuff I have to do that didn’t even make it to this lengthy list of things, including looking at submissions for a film festival, doing a couple of board meetings, and finally (FINALLY) doing some casting and location scouting for a film shooting later this summer. ALSO (MAN oh MAN!) I need to make some creative decisions about a doc I am working on and schedule more shooting days. Luckily the Haida Gwaii trip is the last travelling I’ll be doing until August, when I go to Vancouver for a few days for a residency. It’s a crazy amount of stress BUT ALSO a lot of money which is helping me do things like pay for some teeth stuff and hopefully pay for some fertility treatment stuff so I can make a baby. AND ALSO set me up further along with my career so I can support that baby!

July looks more fun. I’ll hopefully have most of my shooting on the doc done so we can edit. I’ll be seeing the fertility clinic doctor and find out what the scoop is with my egg situation. I’ll be going to an L7 concert finally and satisfying the 20 year old Thirza in me. And I’ll be getting my bear tattoo, which is SUPER EXCITING! I think all of those things happen in the same week actually. OH MAN I wish my calendar was a bit more sophisticated. I’m blocking off huge spans of time for travel and I really wish it didn’t show up the way it does. Oh whatever.

Anyway! My point is, I am having a busy summer. And the fall is starting to get busy too. I have my fingers crossed that I get into a festival far far away in November so I can go, and September I am PROBABLY travelling, and October I am hoping to stay put.

I have mixed feelings about work trips. On one hand, I really do love travelling, I like seeing new places and meeting new people and doing stuff other places. On the other hand I could probably happily be a lump/homebody. ON THE OTHER HAND I should probably get as much travel in as I can before I have a baby and need to simmer down or start tote-ing a little kid with me to random queer and Indigenous film fests.

Anyway, the funny thing is that even though all of this work stresses me out, even though I know I’m gonna have to push some deadlines, I really do like my life. I can think of few artists who get to do what they love for a living. I’m glad my day job fired me and I had to keep finding work in my field. I’m glad I get to work with the communities I work with, and make and curate and show challenging queer video, especially to small centres that aren’t used to it. I’m glad I know the people I do, who all are really in this same boat of working intensely hard crazy hours so they can stay afloat.

++++++ End of the day +++++

I managed to finish reading those applications, write a grant and submit it, and do a jury all today. ALSO packed and cleaned up my apartment for the dog sitter to come chill out here with the pups while I’m gone. Little Mister had the house key attached to his harness. I HOPE all is well. Maybe I should text her tomorrow before my flight, while I’m hanging out at the gate. It’s Air Canada tomorrow. AIR CANADA!

I wonder if I can buy wifi on Air Canada? I’m gonna be on the plane for one FIVE HOUR stretch from Toronto to Vancouver. I don’t think I have enough songs for that. I know they like major credit cards on Air Canada, but maybe for wifi they would take my meager Visa Debit, or my PayPal. At the same time, what would I really gain from having internet access for five hours? Like yeah it would kill a lot of time…. BUT ALSO like maybe it would just make me aggravated in mid air if one of my more sarcastic friends picked a fight with me online.

OY I gotta get up in like, just over six hours, shower and finish packing toiletries and my carry on and book it to the airport. I mean the good news is I can sleep on the plane. And also I am taking headphones I can actually plug into the entertainment system.

Anyway, I guess I should relax and go lay in my bed now. OH SHIT I didn’t change the sheets for sitter. Maybe I can remember in the morning.

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