I did my laundry, made chicken wings, went to an appointment, had a phone meeting, and wrote today. It seems like a lot. I had a look at my week this week and it’s like, oh man, soooooo many things to do. Like I don’t even have time to go get my hair cut, unless I go super early one morning. And my hair is getting plenty shaggy. I don’t feel like talking about work, even tho that’s basically my whole week and weekend coming up (yes! Both Saturday and Sunday!)!! What do I want to talk about?
I’ve been mostly writing about feelings this last year and some. Okay, so probably longer than that. I have a lot of feelings! All the time! I’m not crying everyday anymore though, so obviously things are changing for me, which is probably a good thing. It was getting ridiculous. Just start writing about something and then cry cry cry.
I think that’s what happens when you spend a decade thinking your life is gonna REALLY start when you finally get into a serious relationship. And meanwhile things are happening, like life is still going on and things are majorly changing and it’s still like “Someday I will have a girlfriend and everything will be perfect and I can do all those things I always wanted to” like have way more adventurous next level sex, and have a family with human children instead of just dog children, and live with someone, blah blah blah. BUT waiting around for that to happen kinda sucks. Like it’s just boring, even if there are cute people to flirt with it doesn’t mean much if they don’t want to really be with you. Like maybe things are meant to happen without this unknown partner.
At the same time, I spent a long time crafting the ultimate Herstory Personals ad to submit tomorrow, and it’s probably not gonna get me any dates, but maybe? Maybe it will at least pique some interest.
Someone not very long ago told me they thought I was too cool for them and that’s why they didn’t date me. It’s kind of bothered me ever since. I mean, she went on to get married and have a happy life or whatever. But I’m left wondering if I am some kind of horribly cursed TOO COOL person who people are afraid to date. Oh man! And the thing is I see myself as quite a nerd really. I like all kinds of weird things which probably aren’t cool, I do thinky things like write all the time, I make experimental videos a lot, I would rather spend an evening in with my dogs than go to a club. I’m not cool! It was hammered into me through elementary school that I was SO NOT COOL and therefore so not respected. And my teachers would always write “Thirza is well respected in class” and then some kid would be calling me ugly on the playground and I’m like seriously? You really think this, that these white kids respect me? Some NDN nerdy tomboy?
Anyway ha ha let’s save that for therapy at the end of the month.
But anyway, I don’t really know how people see me, I mean potential dates. Yesterday while I was walking to Kink Toronto to pick up a cane and another hurty thing, my friend was texting me being like “I didn’t know you were famous. Did you know you are famous?” and I was like “Ha ha yeah.” But it’s still kind of ridiculous, like I’m not TMZ famous (thank god!), but I’m famous enough people write about me in university classes.
I abandoned this post, finally came back to it. It’s been a busy week, only halfway over. I’m tired, I worked on my writing really really hard yesterday, then was immediately unhappy with it and today ended up getting my haircut and thinking a lot. Also went to an AGM. And had a teen burger. I’ve been doing some good stuff this week, mostly not wrapped up in my feelings the way I was at the beginning of the week. I did get my Herstory personals ad in, so I am hoping it gets posted. YAY! It better, I gave them a donation.
I’m so tired. I’m so tired. I wish I had weekends back. I mean, honestly I am mostly making my own schedule these days. I just wish I had more veg out time.
My laptop was supposed to be finished today, but I didn’t get a call back. I’m hoping they call me tomorrow. I really want it already, I want to go back to my real life laptop.
I’m thinking of reworking how I operate on social media. Not so much NOT being on social media, more being judicious about how I relate to each one, in particular Facebook. I need to figure out what I am getting out of Facebook, and what I am NOT getting out of it, and what I want them to know about me and be able to sell to people. Because I have no hope that they will ever not be selling my data. That might look like me unliking a bunch of pages that are more commercial, changing my settings and profile info, reducing my use of check ins. I’m not totally sure and I gotta think about it a lot. Also people have been using it for networking with me, and in many ways I see my profile as more of a personal place for real life friends. I may delete a bunch of people who just lurk, because I feel like I don’t want people seeing my profile when I don’t get anything out of them. I also know I’m not gonna leave because it’s become the place to find out about events and publicize things. It’s very frustrating, this dependence on that ONE site. The other thing is that I am going to try and spread myself around a little bit more, use Twitter a little more, use Tumblr, I like Instagram because it’s a more chipper positive place. But FB owns it too, so it’s not really such a separate place. I usually post things from Instagram onto my fb, but only because my Mom doesn’t have an Instagram. I might change that too tho, and not share as frequently from Insta to FB. Ha ha fuck. I’m also really happy that Open Diary opened up again, because I got a lot more emotional validation there than any other social media network I’ve been on. It’s going to be a subscription service. But to be honest, I would pay for that kind of honest anonymous way of relating to strangers again.
Ha ha yeah and obviously I have this overshare blog, but this is my artist page project, and not really part of a social media network. I have way more control over this page. Anyway, those are my thoughts.