Worser, and better, and worser

Yeahhhhh so I haven’t written in a while. For those following Canadian murder trials, Tina Fontaine’s murderer was found not guilty. And that was like, another bad few days for me. Like it’s just a racist pattern that is entrenched in Canada’s legal system. I’m beginning to agree with people that street justice is a better idea. Also I’m a big marshmallow so like, even tho I take boxing classes, I’m not gonna fly to Winnipeg and punch that murderers head off. Like, no. No.

I mean, a lot of other stuff has been going on in my life, mostly career stuff. It’s interesting to me but probably pretty boring for me to talk about here, and also a lot of stuff is secret stuff anyway and might never happen. So yeah.

A little while ago my story editor mentioned I should watch Get Out again for structure and how scenes flow into each other, so I finally did that today. It was really nice to just watch a movie for work reasons, and I had seen it before so I was looking at it in a different way. I was able to pick up things this time that I hadn’t on the first viewing.

I’ve got a major rewrite happening pretty quick of my script, and I haven’t sat down and started mucking with it yet, but I am thinking it through most of the time. It’s about vengeance because of violence against Indigenous women, so like, these horrible trial verdicts are kind of fuelling my rage, and I’m hoping I can make something good and important out of it. Like I have known in earlier drafts my heroine is sort of reluctant, and that I need to get her more active and seeking things out and like, getting righteously angry. I think right now she is just trying to survive, but that’s not really the energy I want to channel.

Anyway yeah. Working on that. I’ve been hanging out at home being a full time stay at home dog parent. They seem to like having me around more.

I think I’m going to commit to my practice more. I’ve been dicking around trying to get women to like me and it’s been a pretty big failure ha ha. Okay, SOME women/people like me, but like, yeah, no, it’s been ridiculous. I wrote way too much in my diary about my crushes/interests this past year, like WAY too much, I am embarrassed to say how many pages are about that. And it’s just, I could justify it if this was actually the beginning of like, a serious relationship. Like okay, I could forgive myself for putting that much energy into stewing about feelings then. But this like, got all confusing, and there was more than one interest at certain times, and I didn’t know what to do with any of it, and every time I was reading my tarot cards about it I was getting The Hanged Man which is like surrender and being suspended between the past and the future and shit like that. And then most of the time it was unavailable people which is just, ugh. This horrible pattern I’ve had for a long time. And my friends were ragging on me about it most of this past year. So on one hand I do really want a relationship, and on the other hand I’m like, stuck. And it’s not working and I need to get unstuck so I’m just gonna do what I always do in that situation which is retreat back into my professional life and try to make better stuff. And not even to impress people, like I just always want to be better at writing and video stuff. I think I want to impress myself, and I haven’t yet. Like I’ve done some good stuff, but I feel like my best work hasn’t happened yet. And that’s not me shitting on my career, it’s more that I am just really ambitious about what I want to do with my life.

So I think I’m going to work really hard this year on these videos and this script. I want to impress myself.

Yeah. Anyway. I have boxing class this weekend, which will be good for me because we missed last weekend. I was showing a bunch of my videos at Pleasure Dome in CineCycle, so the next morning I didn’t feel like going to boxing, and then I had a meeting later that day. Anyway yeah, the boxing classes have been really good for me, even tho I am so sore the next day. I feel like it works off my aggression in a healthy way. And I like feeling stronger.

I’ve been such a crybaby this past year. I swear to God I cry once at day, AT LEAST. And it’s okay, like yeah, I guess I have to work through my issues. But fuck, it’s kind of intense and has just become routine now. Like, oh, I am writing in my diary, I guess it’s time to cry for a while. And maybe I am making up for lost time, because there were YEARS where I didn’t cry AT ALL. And I think it had to do with my medication. It feels pretty weird, to not be able to cry. I actually prefer this crybaby year to THAT. And I’m also grieving my grandparents, which is funny because when I cry it hasn’t been so much focused on them, as other things. But maybe that’s part of the reason for so many tears. The underlying issues. I’m just glad I switched to using hankies after Grandpa died, because my kleenex budget would be ridiculous by now. Or I’d like, be using dirty t shirts, which is also sad.

Anyway, the point is, I think this crybaby year is helping me find some kind of emotional balance. I think it’s been healing in it’s own way. And also connecting to my rage through boxing classes is helping me. I think the only thing that would make this perfect would be if I had someone to cuddle with. BUT YEAH see earlier paragraph about that. I’m pretty touch starved, but the dogs are really cuddly which is nice.

Ha ha I hope this blog post isn’t a downer. I am doing good, actually. Like things are working out for me otherwise. And even tho Canada is racist and unjust, I feel happy about being connected to the Indigenous communities here. I feel like we’ve been looking out for each other these days, and it’s nice.

3 thoughts on “Worser, and better, and worser

  1. Tansi Thirza, my name is Ashley and I love how honest you are. I just randomly found your website a few minutes ago thanks to Google. I met you about a month ago in Tracy’s class and the Indigenous Resilience project thing the day before. Your work is
    so awesome and inspiring. I found your website by googling your name in hopes to find some of your narratives to use as one or two of my sources for a paper I’m writing in Marilyn Dumont’s class. I’m writing about Metis women, and I think I want to focus on resilience through humor. I’m still not 100% sure if my theme is going to be resistance/ resilience or humor/ resilience? Some how I think it’ll be a combination of it all. It’s due on Monday, and it needs to be 2500 words. PRAY FOR ME haha…but for real…
    Thank you for having your website, and for writing this blog on March 1st. It was like a breath of fresh air reading something honest and normal, oppose to reading all this academic scholarly blahblahblah colonialism….
    I hope you find your soulmate. They will come when you least expect it, and when you love yourself so SO SO SOOOOOOO MUCH!!! And it will be effortless, and honest, and smooth as a dolphin lol whatever that means…sorry kay, I’m getting weird.
    Thank you for this piece, thank you for coming to Alberta and I wish you the best of luck and all of the happiness in the universe <3

    1. Hi Ashley! Thanks for your comment! I will pray for you ha ha! But you’ll do awesome anyway! I liked being in Alberta and meeting you all! Hope you come back to visit my blog!

      1. Thank you! I definitely will be back **terminator voice**
        I just read a few more of your other blogs. You’re right, it must be nice to not be affected by the verdicts. It must be nice to not have to live in fear and defend your heritage OR hide your heritage. UGHHH SOOO FRUSTRATING!!

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