Acceptance and Openness

I am still working on accepting myself as I am, and not feeling pressured to change myself or constantly try to be “better” when really I know there are just things about myself that seem pretty innate and maybe shouldn’t be considered liabilities. And the changes I DID need to make to be a more functional person have mostly all happened, like getting a handle on my addictions and keeping on top of my mental health.

But one of the things I am still working on is being open with people close to me. And sometimes I do really poorly at that, but more recently I’ve finally been able to talk about some stuff with a close friend and work through it and it’s funny, because I was anticipating horrible outcomes. And overall it was actually really nice and sweet and like, relieving, because now I don’t feel like I’m keeping secrets from her that she probably needed to know about. I’m not going to talk about the details of it here, just that I am glad being open with her is still going well and that now I’m feeling pretty safe with her as a friend, and I have gotten closer to some other friends in the last few months too.

One of my main problems was missing a relative who I had a rocky spring with, with some unfortunate fights, and it was really hard because she and I talked almost everyday before that. Anyway we have gotten back to chatting and it’s not exactly the same, but it seems like the rift was kind of healed.

And another friend of mine I am still trying to get closer with again, and it’s hard sometimes, and we aren’t totally there yet. But it’s getting way better than it was a few months ago.

There’s something about writing emails or messages or opening up conversations where you need to deal with interpersonal issues that is still really terrifying to me. I think it has to do with how I was raised, I wasn’t really taught conflict resolution skills at all. I still hate conflict, and I have had a bad history of just running away when it happens. And even when there isn’t conflict, if I know a conversation is gonna be hard, it’s very difficult to bring it up. I know I need to get over this problem I have with conflict, because I DO eventually want a serious relationship, involving parenting together, and I don’t want to be that shitty partner who gets mad and sulks and ignores someone, because I know what it’s like to be on the other end of that, and it’s awful and abusive and miserable. And mostly when that dynamic has come up in my life again, things DON’T get resolved, someone just resigns themselves to the fact that the silent angry person is never gonna change or apologize, and ends up trying to make things work again, even if it really isn’t healthy at all. So yeah, learning conflict resolution skills and how to work through problems and have honest conversations with friends is really important to me right now.

Obviously I’m not open with EVERYBODY! Like this is a select small chosen few close to me that I am trying to stay open with. Ha ha that probably sounds weird when you read this blog, but it’s true! I have secrets, sort of, sometimes. And when they impact other people or my relationships with them I want to talk about it, because I’ve seen so many things happen because of misunderstandings and shit going down and unsaid things. And things can be resolved a lot faster if people just communicated a little better. And although I have a blog and an oversharing fb (ha ha which is mostly shit like “I just washed the floor!” “here’s me cooking!” “look I ate this thing!”) AND I am a filmmaker/video artist/whatever I am, I have been a bad communicator in the past. Like sooooooo bad. So I am trying to be braver about talking about what I want and need and think with my friends. And talking about it doesn’t mean they have to agree with me or anything, but being able to talk about it really does make things easier, and I think stops situations from going sideways.

So anyway, I was able to talk about a scary thing with someone, and it went okay, and life goes on, and that’s really nice.

This weekend I am going away to Winnipeg and hopefully meeting my little brother for the first time ever. I’m pretty excited about it, the sister I grew up with is disabled and non-verbal, so I’ve never had an actual conversation with a sibling before.

You know, the funny thing about that is I remember when I was a little girl I wanted a baby brother. Mom already had her tubes tied by then, and also even if she hadn’t I think she was pretty done with having babies. But then many many years later my Dad told me I had a brother. I have another one somewhere else, but I don’t know anything about that one. Anyway, the brother I do know about is my fb friend and I’ve never been able to meet him, until this weekend (HOPEFULLY!). I’m so curious what he sounds like when he talks, cause Dad talks a certain way and people who meet me and have known him say we talk alike.

Anyway, big life events! Ha ha, I hope it goes okay. I’m also doing arty things in Winnipeg with Videopool’s Isolated Landscapes show. So that will be awesome.

I think things will be okay. And being open is helping me, in various ways.

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