You know, most of the time I come here to write as part of an exercise just to get things out of my head and onto a page so I can then go on and write scripts and things. It really does help, I recommend blogging to anyone who needs a dumping ground for words now and then. I know some people write really thoughtful blogs that have like, a thesis statement and an actual point, and sometimes I feel badly I don’t do that. These really aren’t essays, except for the few that are. Mostly I just like talking about things on my mind here, not really trying to make a salient point.
I’ve got until the end of the summer to get this draft of my script done, which is exciting and I know I have the time to do it, because I deliberately didn’t plan any other projects or things at this point in the year. I’ve got full time writing days ahead of me and it’s pretty cool.
I’ve been thinking about feeling like I have to justify being a big old weirdo these days. I’m sure no one really expects that of me, but it’s this weird abstract pressure I feel and I don’t know where it’s coming from. My old close friends definitely aren’t bothering me about needing to be something other than I am. And I am pretty sure newer friends are more interested in knowing me as I am other wise they wouldn’t be around either. And yet sometimes I feel deeply uncomfortable with this life I am living and the things I say and my weird dreams (as in actual dreams of the future, not my sleepy time dreams which are also weird anyway). And it’s not that I DON’T like this life I am living. I’m pretty lucky that I’ve been able to be a full time artist/writer. I have this totally enviable schedule that is so flexible, and yet also involves me doing a lot of work. I think it’s that my life does not match up with what society thinks people should be doing.
Like, I don’t have a burger flipping job I go to. I don’t have any kind of job with set defined hours and a physical location I have to go to. I don’t even do office work like I used to. People really hate that, because if THEY have to do it, you should too. BUT my work is different. It’s still work. It’s just not THAT kind of work. And I do have this sort of safety net of social assistance, BUT I haven’t had a payment in a few months because I’ve made enough on my own to be ok.
I think the other things that make me uncomfortable are just related to whatever weird shit I am doing on social media. Like sometimes I take it really seriously, and other times I am reposting memes and laughing my ass off at home over it. I don’t know, I know some people like whatever I do there, but then some people I am sure find me annoying. I sometimes worry I post too much, but then fuck this thing is really funny I can’t NOT post it right?
And also advice giving. People have been giving me a lot of advice lately, and sometimes I really like it, and other times I’m like why are you telling me this? It’s just weird. And some of it has to do with taking emotional risks and it makes me really second guess myself and get depressed over it. And some of it is just ridiculously not an issue, like about something I should try eating. I don’t feel grumbly about that kind at all. I just feel stressed when I have six different kinds of advice about one interpersonal thing and it’s all different and I know no matter what I do someone’s gonna be like “Oh oh oh! You should have listened to me or this terrible thing wouldn’t have happened!”
And the terrible things. The terrible things in the future. UGH! And it’s not even like they have happened yet, or even will happen. But they still loom, these shadows of possible misfortunes. Like getting the tower in a future position of a tarot reading and the reader going “ummmmm well now…”
The funny thing is that the first paragraph of this blog post is a total lie. I did have a point to this blog, which was to try and write my way into feeling a little better about my life and where it has ended up. Because I did end up in a good spot. I have this amazing career that has taken me places and gotten me an income at times and made me feel very fulfilled.
BUT I have had a career for 22 years. Which is a long time. Like it’s the most important thing in my life, and I’ve been doing it a long time, and gone to university to advance it, and created a lot of films and videos (mostly videos to be technically accurate), and won awards, and am making the step to features after wanting that for a long time, and doing this video game. And that’s all really good. But part of me is like Jesus I just wish I also had like a relationship to go along with this. And then I wonder if that’s kind of ridiculous too, like women’s ambitions as taught through Disney cartoons are always to get into a long term forever relationship with some perfect stranger. BUT they never show what happens after they meet. Which I find really suspicious. All that indoctrination for girl children into marriage culture, but they never show how a long term relationship works after that. It’s a little too convenient for me.
So I both want and am suspicious of relationships.
In truth, most of my relationships were really short lived. And I think part of the reason is that I didn’t want to stick around if it wasn’t working out. I also got dumped a lot though. But also those were early 20’s relationships. And then my 30’s relationships were these really abstract things, where we didn’t specify that they were real things. They were to some degree, but no one ever changed their Facebook relationship status over it. So strange. I think the actual last relationship where someone explicitly called me their girlfriend was Amber Dawn, which was a long time ago. Other women and I had these weird things. Like giving flowers and going on dates and making out and sleeping in the same bed and doing some sexy stuff and like, all kinds of really emotionally intimate things, BUT not actually calling me their girlfriend. It’s been a confusing decade of that. And the break ups were usually not even so specific either, like we’d just slowly stop hanging out. Or the hang outs would become friend hang outs and not we’re gonna go do this thing then come home and roll around for a while making out.
I kind of miss when things were spelled out more specifically. Like asking people on dates instead of ambiguous queer hang outs. Ha ha now I sound like an old lady talking about the old timey days. I’m sure people still go on dates.
My dogs are barking at nothing right now.
But who knows, maybe someday someone will want a girlfriend/partner/whatever I would be, with someone with a weirdo career that is so established. I’m sure there are women who find that kind of thing appealing. And dogs that bark. And stable housing. And my winning personality that posts so many ridiculous memes on Facebook. And kink! Don’t forget the kink.