It’s 2017! I made it through 2016!

Christmas was good, Mom and I have been doing some shopping, mostly for beads, went to a couple of movies. Tomorrow we are going to Aquasize because it’s one of my new years resolutions (and fun) and also because Mom likes it. Also more bead shopping.

I am trying to picture my life improving this year, and what I need to do to make it happen. I talked to my psychotherapist on Friday about the undiagnosed ADHD and she thought I should go to my doctor and get screened for it, and possibly for appropriate treatment get referred to a psychiatrist who can figure out how to medicate me while also not fucking up the bipolar stuff I deal with. So I guess I’ll do that, probably end up on a long waiting list, but I think I can handle it.

I also want to learn a useful yet frivolous skill, so I’m going to do dance lessons at some point this year. I’ve been really shy about dancing for a long time, and I used to be good at it. And part of it is that I’ll try to dance and people (usually family members) make fun of me so I go sit down again. Which is honestly really shitty and I just shouldn’t dance around them. BUT also it might be a good way to meet people and it’s a fun thing to do and I can’t talk at clubs or parties anyway when there is loud music so it would give me something to do.

And another thing I want to do for my resolution is to properly recycle and compost. I’ve been really shitty at it, and I know I could do way better, AND it would be good for the environment/my conscience.

Some things I want to do this year (but aren’t official resolutions) are getting more dates (even one would be more, really!), getting trained for a decent paying part time casual job I could do between contracts and grants, learning how to socialize within groups more (not Toastmasters because that’s public speaking which I am fine at, but conversing with strangers really so I can network), and helping my dogs lose weight by walking them more (and feeding them less). We do walk once a day, but if it was twice it would be a lot better for them, and me.

My New Year Tarot spread I did today said this year would be a lot about my career and money and overall about a cycle ending. But also it said I should concentrate on relationships, in particular romantic relationships, and accepting love. Which seems really hard when I have no actual potential dates. But that was LAST year and this is THIS year. And I haven’t even left the house today, so I can’t really say there’s no hope when it’s been one day in and I’ve spent it cooking with Mom.

AHHHHHH and there is someone I like but it’s not ever EVER going to go anywhere. It’s too bad we could be really cute together because we are so compatible otherwise. She’s just not into me THAT way. It’s hard to get new crushes when you keep going back to the same old hopeless crush. It’s like having a sore in your mouth and poking it with your tongue so much that it doesn’t heal. But the good news is that it is a thing that has gone dormant for years on end in the past. So that’s some kind of grim hope.

I feel like there are other things I want to do this year. OH one other thing I wanted to do is actually learn Ukulele because it’s just SITTING here gathering dust and I really did want to experiment with being musical, even in a geeky nerdy way! This was actually last year’s resolution that failed. I think allowing myself to make music might translate into me being able to access a different part of myself that would be useful as a filmmaker. Same with the dancing.

Another year my resolution was to be a consumer, but not so much of clothes and electronics and stuff, more a consumer of media and books and cultural things. I’ve been getting better at that, I have seen a lot of movies last year and watched more TV and Netflix. But I think I need to go to galleries more, and also read more books. I don’t do a lot of reading and it’s a problem.

Also I need to write in my diary more. I tried it a little bit last year, hand writing, and it really helped me process my emotions around different things. Also it made me cry a lot.

OH and I was able to cry more easily this last year! FINALLY! I want that to continue, I think being in touch with my emotions is important and for so long I’ve just tried so hard not to cry that when I needed to cry it wouldn’t happen.