Mom has been staying with me since Oct 18th! It’s been fun, we did ImagineNATIVE which was SUPER intense, one day I saw four programs and she saw three. Altogether we watched about ten programs, including 3 or 4 shorts programs. Maybe just 3. There was some really good work this year.

Little Mister just had his last antibiotic. He hasn’t coughed in a while, which is good.

I was interviewed by Vice during ImagineNATIVE which was cool and it showed on their website and they might air it. Actually tonight I ran into the producer at Moonlight (which was an amazing film).

What else? My bureaucratic nightmare turned out fine. I’m looking for a dog sitter, is my only current stress, because I am going to a conference next month.

I have a big crush on someone and I was trying to ignore it but I think maybe it’s okay to just have a crush and whatever maybe something will develop and maybe not. I felt super awkward trying to communicate with her and even one time we were having an FB chat and it started out fine and then I really wanted to hit on her, BUT I GOT TERRIFIED and was like “Okay talk to you later!” even tho I didn’t have anything else to do at that moment. It’s kind of gotten to the point where I have to just cough up that I like them, because it’s the elephant in the chat window, I think she might know. But it’s this big feeling that is getting in the way because it’s just kind of the next thing I should say to her, even though it’s like, early days. I need to set the tone! AHHHHHH shit I am so bad at this.

Even tonight, the producer of Vice said something to me and I didn’t know if it was like “we should hang out” or just something like “nice seeing you here” because my hearing can be shitty when there is background noise (one of the reasons I don’t like going to loud bars) and so I don’t know if she wants to be friends or is just like “See you around.” And this encapsulates my whole terrible awkwardness even with making friends.

Then with crushes, the stakes get raised because potential lovers (for me anyway) involve an emotional investment and it’s scary and so I’m like, doing alright, then freak out and say “Okay talk to you later!” Ahhh shitty. Ha ha ha.

This used to be easier with alcohol, I hate to say it but it’s true. I haven’t had a lover while I’ve been sober, and it’s weird, and I have told women I like them, but nothing happens. And there was one moment a while back where I WOULD have normally just made a move, had I been drunk or tipsy. But now I am sober and not wanting to cross lines and swallowing back words and changing the subject. It’s very strange.

I guess I have to relearn how to be brave and ask women on ACTUAL dates, not just “hanging out.” I got rid of my OKC profile a couple months ago. I decided meeting women in real life was better. But I haven’t had an actual REAL date in a long time. Just hang outs that are usually platonic. And that’s fine too, but making out with someone would be nice. Forming an intimate bond would be nice.

Anyway, that doesn’t matter right now, because Mom is staying with me until Tuesday so it’s all Mom time until then. Tomorrow I work for five hours, and again on Monday, but that’s my only responsibility. I should go to bed. I’m letting myself be up late because it’s Friday night, but actually now my night meds are kicking in and sleep seems like a really good idea.