I’ve been slacking! Well, it’s probably because I had a lot going on. I mean, the only real thing I have been slacking with is my scriptwriting. Instead I finished a video, wrote two grants, and went to Paris. But I have to get back into some kind of writing routine. Cause right now it SUCKS ASS!

I was going to Jet Fuel and writing every morning with Louis, back when we were still friends, but I haven’t been since the falling out. Which is too bad because they made an awesome latte. Instead my morning routine consists of facebooking, drinking french press coffee, and then taking pups on their walk. Nothing about writing. It’s terrible! I mean, the coffee and dog walking is pretty much essential, but the facebooking could be curbed I guess.

I really just need to sit my ass down in front of my laptop and write and write and write.

I think I have a bit of a block. I’m just doing the outline for my Skunk Cousins Christmas script, but the tension within the plot is not built up enough. It’s all about addiction and the first sober Christmas of this main character. Hmmmm.

I guess that means I have to think about my sobriety a lot more than I have lately. I haven’t even gone to an NA meeting or a support group in over a year. Not since I lived in Saskatoon. I used to go to concurrent disorders support groups all the time. It really helped. But this last year was all about school and just keeping my head above water. And so for whatever reason I wasn’t really concerned with my sobriety. It just became another facet of my life that I didn’t think too much about.

When I was still using, Christmas Day was, even though it was super family oriented ALWAYS, ALSO a heavy drinking day. And of course there was the one Christmas day my cuz and I waited around for our dealer. WHO DEALS ON CHRISTMAS DAY???? OMG! Only a superhero, if you are an addict. My dealer the superhero. We waited for hours, but then when our drugs finally came we were like, so happy. And of course meanwhile the family is getting together trying to be cheerful. I don’t remember my first sober Christmas. I think it went ok. I mean, mostly the people getting loaded at Mom’s house was just myself and maybe a cousin or too. Mom could have baileys in her coffee and wine at dinner, but she didn’t go all out like me.

And then another part of me wonders how much Saskatoon is implicated in all of this. I had vague realizations that Saskatoon is a heavy drinking city. But I really didn’t notice until my cuz Deanna went back from Victoria recently and made the observation that she has drank more times in her short time there than her six months or whatever in Victoria where she only drank four times. And it’s true! People drink a lot more there. There’s not much else to do. It’s just the culture of the city.

But I did get sober in Saskatoon, so it is POSSIBLE to come out of that drinking mindset and move on.

I’ve noticed this thing with couples. When one quits smoking, usually the other one has to as well, or it won’t work. They will just bum a smoke off their partner and go back to smoking. I’ve noticed couples have a really hard time quitting because of that. That’s sort of the premise of my script too, which is that it is difficult (though not impossible) to quit using when you are surrounded and close to addicts and alcoholics. It’s just always available and there and so easy to just fall off the wagon. BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO. But very few people will just cut off all of their relatives who are using or drinking. I mean, I love my cousins, and I do hang out with them even when they are using and drinking and what not. Maybe it doesn’t tempt me anymore. It used to.

I’ve had a couple of drinking dreams lately. I don’t know why, I don’t miss being drunk. I miss craft beer, but I don’t miss puking on the ground or the floor or someone else’s penthouse.

There was this saying in my concurrent disorders support group where they say “Play the tape to the end.” And it means if you are wistfully reminiscing about your addiction, you should remember the consequences of that action. Because really I did get myself into some super shitty situations through my drinking and drug use. I lost a $30,000 a year job. I lost affordable housing. I once had to pay hundreds of dollars for a plane ticket home after I missed my flight from getting too drunk in a foreign country. UGH! I lost my favorite bunnyhug TWICE! Once when I was on E and another time when I puked all over someone’s place. Ha ha I guess the bunnyhug isn’t so awful. BUT IT WAS! It was made of lambswool and blue and had a zip up the front, it was the best one ever. I bought it twice it was so nice, and then I could never find it again.

Ha ha, so these are all the things I have to think about in relation to my script.

I’m gonna write for four hours at the very least tomorrow! That is my goal. Actually writing this tonight has sort of helped with my thoughts around the subject.