How Depressing, Love SUCKS!

Well, I am back in Canada, so I will probably blog a lot more again. My flight back was good, the only scary part was the flight into Saskatoon when we hit mega turbulence. My screening in Hamburg went really well! People liked it. My time in Berlin was good too, I lost my iPhone though, which totally bummed me out! I lost it the Saturday before I left. I suspect on the UBahn.

I did see the friend I had wanted to confess my feelings too, but it all went to shit! 🙁 I was really awkward and told her I loved her, and then she said I love you too but she meant as a friend. And then I told her I wanted to kiss her still and she said we are just friends, sorry. And then I felt really awkward but I was letting it go. And then I thought it was okay, but when I got back home to Canada I got a message from her on facebook that she felt weird and that I was too much and she thought we should get some distance from each other and I felt really shitty for having feelings. And then she put me on her restricted list on facebook so I can’t see much of her profile anymore. I was trying to put her on restricted too, but I couldn’t figure it out and then I felt stupid and like, why would I do that anyway? So I am bummed out. And I do feel shitty for having feelings, which isn’t very nice. Oddly enough it is helping me get over her because I don’t want to love someone who makes me feel badly for having feelings. So I feel pretty crappy. I hadn’t wanted to fuck up our friendship and now I have and I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t do anything about it because she wants us to not talk until she gets in touch with me at some point in the future. When she stops feeling weird.

So I feel like my feelings are icky. UGH! What a shitty feeling. I hope I never made my friends who were in unrequited love with me feel this badly about it. I’ve fallen in unrequited love before, so it’s not a new thing, but this messing up a friendship is totally new, I’ve never managed to do that before!

I AM glad though that I can move on now and find someone else. My cousin Deanna told me not to feel bad for being true to myself and that I don’t have to apologize for telling someone how I feel. She is wise that Deanna! Anyway, I wouldn’t ordinarily write about it on here, but I figure since I did write about WANTING to confess my feelings, I should let my readers know what happened in the end. So that’s what happened. True story!

I’ve been in a foul mood ever since. Not Kicking Puppies foul, but just being crabby and ornery. I’m trying not to take it out on the people around me. But I can’t help feeling gross, like I grossed her out! So that is sad. And she was a really good friend too. So it’s distressing.

My psychic says I am supposed to get into my next serious relationship in September or October. I am looking forward to that. I have no idea who it will be. My future date in Regina ended up dating a dude again, so that’s not gonna happen. Maybe I will meet someone entirely new. It’s coming up pretty quick. She says it should have already happened though. Who is it??? So curious! I hope they live in Saskatoon and aren’t prejudiced against intergenerational households!

And now for something boring: I went to the dentist today! I got my teeth cleaned and it HURT SO MUCH and she went under the gums to get out calculus or whatever the hell it is called. I don’t think it’s called calculus is it? That’s a type of arithmetic. And this thing she used gave off a high pitched squealing noise and freaked me out! It went right down my neck and made me squirm! So I have to go back on the 2nd for more cleaning, and a filling! Sigh!

I’ve been having the best sleeps since I got home, I fall asleep right away! Well, except for last night after I got the message from my friend and found out I was restricted. I kind of lay awake for a while fretting and feeling bad. But I saw tiny lights in the room sort of flying around. Spirits I guess. One was small and green, and swooped up from the pillow into the air. They seemed friendly. I hadn’t seen or heard any spirits in Germany, so I guess they like to hang around on Canadian soil. There are a lot of them here. I felt like they were checking in on me to make sure I was okay. Which was really nice. I do know a lot of dead people. Apparently they don’t like being called dead people though.

It’s cold out here. I am sitting in the sun porch. My hair is greezy! I should wash it. I have no clue what the future will bring anymore. Maybe I should listen to my psychic reading again. I hope my friend and I make up. I don’t know how long she’s going to avoid me. :/ I hope this doesn’t end up making me avoid telling people I love them when I do. It seems to be a harsh penalty to pay.

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