Monthly Archives: March 2019

Butt Washing Plumbing

I ordered a bidet before I got sick, like an attachment for my toilet. Not a whole bidet on it’s own. BUT ANYWAY I was sick for a long time so I didn’t have the energy to put it together. Also I admit I was intimidated by the idea of undoing plumbing and flooding the neighbour below me. So I left it for a while. A long while. It was sitting around in it’s box and I was having some kind of plumbing anxiety as I got healthier and had more energy.

BUT today my goals for the day were to take my recycling out, do my taxes, and install this bidet. My taxes are almost all done, I just need to figure out some more expenses and deduct them. BUT ANYWAY I decided to tackle the bidet finally. Because I want a clean butt! And I think I’d use less toilet paper.

SO the first thing I did was very wimpy, I tried to turn off the water supply to the tank. And I did a bad job, the knob was really stuck, so I had to put on a glove and then cushion it with another glove and finally turn it off. Then I screwed some pieces into the hose and the toilet. Then I had to take off the toilet seat to put the bidet on. That took a long time because I didn’t realize I needed to hold onto the bolts under the toilet to get it unscrewed. But google saved the day, then I cleaned the toilet because it was grubby. THEN I put things on, screwed the toilet seat bolts back in. Screwed the hose onto the bidet. And then tried turning the water on. It leaked right away. It took me a good hour of screwing and unscrewing and putting on rubber tape before I read the instructions and realized I didn’t put a crucial washer in. THEN it took me another few tries of screwing and unscrewing before I realized the instructions were wrong and I needed to flip the washer the other way, AND THEN it finally didn’t leak.

SO I tried it of course, and my butt feels clean. Like, remarkably clean. I haven’t had a poop yet though so obviously that’s gonna decide if it’s really this revolutionary new thing for me. But yeah, I like it! It’s not a fancy bidet, it isn’t electric, literally just a lever that shoots cold water at my ass, or cleans its own nozzle. It was forty bucks off Amazon. But I’m hoping it kicks my life up a notch. Like I’ll have a clean butt for butt stuff, or I won’t need so much toilet paper and it will be better for trees.

I dunno! We’ll see.

I scraped my knuckle when I was doing all this screwing and unscrewing tho, which kinda sucks.

ALSO doing plumbing sucks, I hated the way my body was all contorted while I was crouching or bending trying to screw things in properly. And it got frustrating when I was dealing with the leaks. BUT ALSO very satisfying to actually install it and have this thing now.

So I guess I’ll do my recycling and taxes next. These are just things that seem like a drag but have to get done.

The Cheese Stands Alone

SOOOOO I order groceries from Instacart ever since I broke my foot last summer, originally because it was the only way I could get my groceries while I had limited mobility, and eventually just because it was the easiest way to get a large volume of food into my house without needing to call a cab to bring it home. ANYWAY I had ordered my groceries last week or whatever and the order was fine you know, it went as planned. I had ordered .2kg of Irish Porter Cheddar which is my favourite cheese. The last thing I pull out of the bag is this fucking 1.2kg HALF A WHEEL of Irish Porter Cheddar. And it’s great cheese, but I can’t eat THAT MUCH in a timely manner before it goes bad. ALSO I didn’t really WANT to spend $92 on cheese.

So Instacart was great and gave me a credit on my order of $92 so I didn’t have to pay for this error. I lowkey felt bad for the delivery guy tho cause I’m sure he got dinged for it, EVEN THO I know it was his responsibility not to upgrade me to a whole kilo more of cheese.

ANYWAY I started trying to give it away on Facebook, and friends sort of offered to take some but no one actually did and I was getting pressed for time. I brought it to the TQFF meeting we had and thank god they took half of it. I ate some more also and had been joking with friends about going to an art event and leaving it on the cheese and cracker table. And then yesterday Andrew Paterson was having this Yay Celebrate kind of fancy get together at Trinity Square Video because he’s getting the Governor General award. So I went and left a very big block of cheese there also, and I think it got eaten although I left before the end of the event so who knows. It was a more manageable chunk by that point.

ANYWAY I was thinking back to my time in the DTES of Vancouver and how there was this ongoing joke about the cheese at this dive bar the Ivanhoe. People would come in and go from table to table trying to sell these wheels of cheese. It was frequent enough to become something of a joke like going to the Ivanhoe for cheese. I’m sure they were stealing it from somewhere and trying to sell it. I don’t know where I would go to sell a wheel of cheese here. Wing Machine? Oh god. I mean it was hard enough to give it all away.

I’ve had a cold the last week or so. It’s been a real drag. It only got super bad on Sunday. And then it was bad Monday but kind of got better but it’s still there. I’ve been upped to 40mg of Vyvanse which has been great for me, more focused and productive. But for a few days I was taking cough medicine and being like “Wow I feel high what the hell?” There was one day I didn’t take my Vyvanse until a few hours after I took the cough medicine because I had to go pick up my prescription. Anyway the Vyvanse kicked in an hour before the cough medicine wore off and I was like “WOW I feel fucked up and high.” And it was like, speedy ecstasy or something high, except without the lovey vibe, just the sweaty high feeling. It was fucking gross. I didn’t take that cough medicine again, it had pseudoephedrine in it and another druggy thing and anyway it was totally interacting with my Vyvanse. Major problems! I guess I can’t take that kind of medication anymore.

The good thing is I realized after almost seven years of sobriety I PREFER being sober. I don’t like mind altering shit like that. Ugh gross. The Vyvanse is treating my ADHD so I don’t get high off it, I just feel normal. But mixed with pseudoephedrine it’s a whole different horrible story.

And that’s what I have to say about cheese and cough medicine.

ALSO I did notice a little bit of a difference in how people treat me last night at this arty event. It was probably the first time I went to an art event since the Whitney news came out, and I dunno I just noticed people had this weird kind of awe. Aw man it sounds snotty. I don’t know how I feel about art star status. I’m just the same person I always was. Ha ha oh god does this mean I’m gonna start listening to Jenny From The Block on repeat and going “YEAH MAN!!!”?