Monthly Archives: August 2018

Landed Back In My Nest!

I’m back home! Vancouver trip ended really well, my retrospective was well attended, I got the VQFF Media Artist Award which they have only given out twice now, and the last time was ten years ago. And then I lead a workshop for QTBIPOC people and that went really well, and then I went to The Root and read out my diary entries from when I was 7 and 14. I got to see my ex Amber Dawn and reminisce about our histories in Vancouver as queers and when we dated. Talk about life now in our 40’s. My cousin Deanna and I saw each other a bunch which was really nice. I saw my friend Lynn too and that was sweet. People were mostly really busy tho, and there were a couple days where people kept cancelling on me. There were about three people I thought I might have a chance at fooling around with but either our schedules didn’t work out or I was too damned slow to pick up what they were putting down. It’s okay! I’ll live.

Anyway, I am trying not to do long distance things, even tho I have definitely flown further than Toronto to Vancouver to have sex before. But NO I am done with that kind of thing. I want a monogamous local long term thing. Anyway ha ha yeah….

I had a nice hotel room. I drank all the coffee and they kept bringing me more, but they brought more decaf all the time too, so by the time my stay ended there was like, way too much decaf I was never gonna drink.

It was super smokey there the last couple days I was there. Like you couldn’t see the mountains. And most of the beaches were closed because of e.coli. It’s smokey all across Western Canada.

Now that I’m back I gotta get back into working, and order some groceries because I am out, and scroll through my email and try to find messages I couldn’t get to because I was away and busy. Someone said I should do an auto reply thing, but last time I did that I started getting emails bouncing back and forth from noreply emails. What a pain!

I did a lot of thinking about some personal things while I was out there which will remain unwritten here. They really aren’t interesting for anyone but me anyway, and for me it’s really only personal growth stuff now because it’s not going to turn into anything but me confronting parts of myself and the way I approach the world. AHHH ha ha I do have other secret places I write about this stuff. I tried talking about it with friends out there but I could kind of see their eyes glaze and felt super sheepish about needing to process it when it seemed like the most boring banal thing to them. I mean maybe it is boring and banal to everyone but me, it’s not like it’s ever going to be something that will impact their lives.

At the same time I am feeling myself starting to withdraw from friends who can’t do give and take in conversations and let me have space to talk about my stuff before they launch into their stuff. I’m getting tired of having things I say be ignored or disregarded. I think this got especially noticeable with the broken foot, like some people just did not give a shit about my broken foot or what I was going through, and to be perfectly honest I was pretty suicidal the first week I was recovering from it. Like to the point I was scaring myself. So not having my mental health treated with any kind of care was super upsetting, and mostly people who didn’t ask how my foot was doing made me just kind of like, avoid carrying on conversations with them. It is still impacting my life, like I can’t go grocery shopping on my own yet, I still need to order groceries. I still don’t ttc because I’m terrified of not getting a seat and being pretty sad. And sometimes, especially on my trip, when I was trying to do things I got really frustrated and upset because my mobility is limited. There were three friends who did a lot of carework for me though, things that don’t get celebrated but are so necessary like taking out my garbage and recycling. So for that I am grateful. I’m way more independent now, thank god, but I still take cabs. And mostly I probably will still want to stick close to home.

I guess I’m fine overall though. Like, my foot is way better, and my insurance claim went through for my broken bone and now I have $3000 I hadn’t been expecting. So that’s super nice. I also have a big cheque from the festival to deposit tomorrow of about $2500. And then another big $3500 artist fee is coming from my distributor. So fucking relieved. Of course, tomorrow morning I am gonna start going to the fertility clinic for cycle monitoring. So that’s gonna start wiping out some of my cash. But that’s ok, I’ve been planning this. And Amber Dawn told me a hopeful story about a couple she knows who also made science babies and they had four fertilized eggs and used two and they both became humans, and then donated the other two to another couple and both those eggs also became humans. I really hope I can get a human out of one of my eggs. I think I would make a cute smart funny baby.

Giblet 4Lyfe

OMG. So I am out of town right now, in Vancouver, and my foot is broken still obviously. Like it HAS gotten a lot better, but it still hurts if I stand on it for a longer period of time. I’m pretty much negotiating my way from chair to chair. I walked a couple of blocks the other day with my cousin to Union Market to visit a friend and get snacks, which was fine. But anyway, I’ve really noticed some good and bad things about being temporarily disabled. I mean, none of it is really good, sometimes people make accommodations that are helpful. I got to go into the Special Needs and Family line at the airport in Toronto to get through security. But some random guy noticed it was a shorter line and went under the barrier to get in our line and then he and his friend fucking jumped in front of me. It was really disrespectful. The plane was mostly ok, I only went to the bathroom twice, and my crutches fit in the overhead bin. I got on the plane first which was nice.

I had an alright night when I got to the hotel, my cousin came over and we visited, and the next day I took a cab to her place and visited some more. But then I went to the festival and it was like, really hard. People sort of didn’t know what to do with me at first, like I came in and kind of wanted to just go find a chair to sit down and they kind of stood there not knowing what to do with me, I had to ask to sit down a couple of times, at one point some white media bros were sitting on a couch I had been sitting on and there was nowhere else to sit and they were clearly able bodied and looking at me and saw me in crutches and my aircast and still didn’t get up or make room so I could sit down, so I had to ask staff for a chair. And they did bring me a chair, which was nice. Like the staff was trying to be accommodating. A few times I went to the accessible toilets and the rest of the toilets were downstairs so I couldn’t go use them, I can do stairs but I didn’t feel safe doing it there. Anyway, every time I went to the accessible toilets there was an able bodied person in there taking a long time. I was getting kind of frustrated. They never apologized when they came out and saw me standing there waiting in my sad crutches and boot. And then at the party there was like, a line to get in that I ended up cutting, and then long lines for drink tickets and drinks. And the festival person got me a drink which was nice. But I was feeling super bummed out and sitting in a chair alone and I ended up leaving and waiting a really long time for a cab to take me back to the hotel. I did talk to a few people, but mostly people were doing other things talking to other people and I couldn’t really do that networking thing or go find friends or anything. So it was very frustrating. I think people don’t think about this stuff. Sometimes I’m appalled people don’t get it that I have a broken foot and need to sit down. Like people just are really careless about their fellow humans, and don’t really give a shit. And I’m supposed to be the artist in residence and some kind of special guest and it like just feels like I’m invisible because I’m sitting in a corner somewhere.

Anyway, blahhhhh.

I’m seeing my other cousin tonight for dinner and staying in my hotel doing scriptwriting this afternoon. I am behind and really need to get my script to a better state. I cut a whole bunch of stuff and read all the notes and it’s starting to take shape in a more interesting direction, but I also need to get the characters voices more distinct and make it more visual. I wish I had more time. I also came to this point where I was like “OMFG I’m never writing a horror/thriller again” and then fuck wouldn’t you know it I heard a story from a friend that started making me see this whole movie that was also another fucking horror film. And it could be damned good and I’m like I guess this is my life now!

Anyway…

I’m tired of feeling shitty about my broken foot. Like it’s getting better, I can take short walks like ten feet from the bed to the bathroom without a cast. It’s probably not a good idea yet. BUT ALSO I’m feeling encouraged that I can go that far without collapsing in pain. Like it is GETTING BETTER! And just now I managed to go to the 711 and get some pop, so my morale is improving. Sometimes it’s so damned hard, and sometimes I feel like I’m mentally okay, and sometimes I’m just like fuck put me in stasis until this foot is healed. But also I have a lot of work to do like programming and this scriptwriting and attending this festival and I have a performance coming up in September. AND obviously also editing my doc. Like there’s a ton of work and I don’t know why it piles up every summer. Also I need to write a grant, which is like, important, and I can do it with assistance. But I almost wish I could extend my time, like if I had a time turner like Hermione in Harry Potter so I could do each day three times to get all this work done or something. And I know on some level that the broken foot really kicked the shit out of my productivity, it sucks tho, because I also don’t want to believe my worth is contingent on my productivity. I guess I got really accustomed to working super hard on lots of stuff, and it’s a bit of a kick to the self esteem to know my capacity is not as great as it was. And all of this is going on and I don’t want to complain about work because I really love what I do. I just feel so shitty and sad and it’s hard to do those things right now. It’s only going to be 6 to 8 weeks altogether until I can take this boot off. And already it’s been 19 days. Like it might still hurt for 6 months, BUT the main healing is happening now and this is the roughest part and then it’s gonna get easier. It just sucks that it had to happen near the end of summer, when I have all these projects and this work trip.

I wonder if I will end up getting a cane? If I do I want to make it witchy or cool or something. These mobility aids feel so utilitarian. I mean there’s only so much you can do with them tho. Anyway …. I’m seeing my other cousin Shar today, which will be nice. We are having dinner together. I’m excited to see her. Other people seem to want to see me too, but it’s hard because like, I can’t hop on the bus right now and drop by to say hello. Like it’s all cabs right now, or the driver the festival is giving me.

When my cousin Shar broke something, I think it was her arm or something like that, her boyfriend at the time started calling her Giblet. Ha ha ha omg. Anyway, I was whining to my other cousin Deanna about being worried that I’d be like, broken forever, she said I could start calling myself Giblet 4Lyfe! Ha ha ha omg. It sucks being a Giblet. At least there’s a cute name for this situation.

Late Night Thoughts from The Couch

OMG I’m so sleepy! This is a terrible time to try and write a blog post.

Well, let’s see…

I’m trying to keep up on my work. I am writing, not coming along as fast as I would like though. This weekend I am plowing through about 101 submissions for the queer film fest I help program. I saw some good and bad stuff. It’s been illuminating. It’s also a lot to watch at once. I am stuck with about seven features at LEAST to watch, after I get through about 32 more films (some of which might also be features). It’s intimidating me! I still have time.

Friday we had a shoot day, it was, including driving, about 12 hours. SO LONG! OMG! But I think we wrapped, might do another day for pick up shots if we need more footage to fill it out, but we want to see a cut before we make that call in case there are specific images that need to be used. It’s gonna be 20 minutes in the end, which really is not very long. I can kind of see it in my head, but I know I should watch some of the raw footage again to guide the editor.

I’m really trying to keep on top of three things right now, the programming for the film fest, writing this script, and finishing this 20 minute doc. More work happens in the fall, including finally shooting this short we got money for. I am starting to say “We” now even tho it’s really just me. Maybe because I’m starting to get used to making films WITH people. I was such a solitary filmmaker for so long. Video Artist if you are gonna be fussy. But yeah, I really did the shooting, the editing, the writing, the performing, etc. Now I have producers and crew and editors and story editors and stuff and it’s not just me doing these things anymore. I still make very self driven short films, but even then it’s more collaborative than before. I am kind of liking that. I know life is about growing, and change, and I am growing and changing with my career, and my career is going into places I’ve long wanted it to go. Some of that seems to disappoint the more hardcore experimental film folks I’ve spent time with. But also, I know I need to make a living, and for the most part I am good at this stuff, and I like it which is even more important. I really think liking your career is half the battle. After that it can still be stressful, but at least you are having fun.

Anyway, it’s so weird. I’ve been trying to date, and I DO have another date coming up although we had to reschedule. But I feel kind of crappy with my broken foot, like I won’t be able to really romance someone, much less have good passionate sex with them. But disabled people have sex all the time, and this is JUST a broken foot. Like ok, no romantic walks. But it’s temporary and it’s gonna get better. Anyway yeah, I am trying to not feel so anxious about my romantic life or potential dates or rejection. Because that kind of pressure isn’t good for anyone, least of all me. But I still worry I won’t have someone fall in love with me and I’ll die alone. I mean I know I won’t, there’s someone coming, or I might know someone now. But it’s kind of been a long standing worry of mine. I think that’s from growing up as a bit of a nerd and outcast, especially being so butch and lesbian and kids being homophobic but not realizing that’s why they treated me shitty. That makes you feel weird about yourself.

Anyway yeah. I’m fine though, I just need to keep doing my jobs, keep healing my foot bone, keep eating and showering and getting up every morning. Remembering to put my clothes out the night before so in the morning I can put on my underwear and shorts before strapping on my walking boot. Like romance would be lovely, and I would have a lot to give someone. But also I just have to keep living my life and doing my thing. And I get to go to Vancouver this week, which is even more exciting! I have to figure out how to work and also see friends and loved ones and do my gigs. It will be ok. Last time I went to Vancouver tho, I got so stressed out from seeing people all the time. Like SO stressed. I wasn’t getting any alone down time. But this time I have a hotel, so that might help.

Broken Foot Diaries

Feet. I’m so tired of my broken foot. BUT it is getting better, I had to go out of the house and it was just going to a car to go down the street to the post office, then into the post office and back. But I felt like I could go faster, my foot didn’t hurt as much, like it hurts. But it’s not feeling like I’m gonna have to sit down right away when I move around. I can walk on my boot without crutches, I still take them when I go out of the house. But I feel more like I am capable of life, which is good. And I got taken to a Starbucks drive through and it was super nice, I felt like I was out of the house and having fun. Even tho it was just to get a frappuchino.

A friend is coming tomorrow night to do my laundry. I gotta wake up early to let the cable internet installer guy in. I’m not really looking forward to that, I don’t know why they have to start at 8am. That’s too fucking early! Why can’t they start at 9am like normal people? And now I have to set my alarm for seven, ugh. And yesterday when I went to the doctor, I slept through my alarm just sleepily hitting snooze. So I really gotta set TWO alarms that sound different. I DID make it to the doctor though because my friend texted me and woke me up.

The doctor says six or eight weeks in the air cast. Maybe I could move to a stiff shoe, but the air cast is the best. And honestly I do want to heal up properly, so I’m willing to suck up six or eight weeks in this cast. And also a week and a half has gone by, so now it’s really only four and a half to six and half weeks left. Anyway, I got my insurance forms filled out, prescriptions, blah blah. I’m gonna be okay, it was super depressing on Saturday tho. Like SO depressing.

I’m in an up and down mood. Sometimes I feel very positive, other times I feel very down. I’ll be fine I’m sure. I’m still able to emotionally care for people I am close to, so that makes me feel better. And a lot of people are caring for me, which is super sweet. Like bringing me things, or driving me places, or helping do my laundry or take out the trash and recycling. I think I’m finally ready to try and wash the floor tomorrow afternoon. It’s really making me bummed out to have a dirty floor, so if I can get it washed I’ll feel a million times better.

I know in the long view of my life, a broken foot is really such a small thing, like it’s a blip. People have told me to do physio because they injured themselves and DIDN’T do physio and still have problems. So I am not in a place where I feel I can move my foot that much. Maybe next week.

I’ve been reading about bone healing, the first two weeks is inflammation. Then I think there’s something called a soft callus. Then a hard callus. Then the bone does remodelling and reinforces itself to go back to the way it was before. So it’s a process, the remodelling takes months. But hopefully in a few weeks when I get my xrays again, I can get this boot off. I am so tired of it. I can take it off when I am just sitting around, but I don’t feel brave enough for that yet. I’m so worried it’s going to heal out of place or something. Or the dog will jump on it and hurt it again. UGH!

Aside from foot troubles and a whole ton of work going on right now, things are fine. I’m flirting with some people. No one has kissed me yet though. I’m trying to be open to falling in love again, it’s hard ha ha. I am just trying to meet new people, so that’s nice. I like meeting people. With my damned broken foot.