Monthly Archives: May 2018

Life, Work, and Weight Loss

It’s Friday!
I have to work this weekend though. I have a script beat sheet due on the 24th. SHIT MAN 6 days! And in that time I also have a shoot I am doing. I’m lucky that we can all agree the ending is fine, so it’s the lead up to that that needs work. I have to get the final script done by the end of the summer, so it’s coming up!

I can’t believe I’m already looking towards the end of the summer.

Also I didn’t realize my work for the last two years would be so busy every summer. In some ways it makes sense though, people shoot in the summer times. Like of course, of course!

I haven’t heard from the ex friend I had to stop being friends with. I think some sadness is creeping in about it, but also part of that is knowing she was being so abusive that there’s no way to go back again.

I’m feeling overwhelmed by baby making stuff again. I know it’s still early days, but I’m trying to get more information for the woman who might be a surrogate but needs to know more, and a lot of information is pretty fucking dire. Like it’s a massive thing to do. Also I was talking a friend the other day about sperm donors and gay men get quarantined for six months when they donate (UGH Fucking government) so it’s better to say you are a couple or throuple or whatever depending how many people are involved. Yeahhh, that is a lot to think about. And then with public adoptions a social worker will come visit you once a month for six months to make some judgements, and you can’t be on social assistance. Which I kind of thought. Anyway yeah, technically I am still on Ontario Works even though I haven’t been paid in three months and want off. So I gotta get off before I go things like this. I am making too much money next month to stay on anyway.

I went and got my hair cut today. I think I overheard my hairdressers talking about noticing I lost weight. I mean I have, and I wasn’t offended, but it’s kind of nice that other people are noticing. AHHHH SHIT and then that gets into that whole fat hating thing I don’t want to fall into.

I have a gut, I mean, it’s likely that will always be around, I had a bit of one even before I got on the meds in my early 20’s that caused me to gain so much weight. But I’ve got more of a shape than just a tube now, which is nice, and my chins are smaller, like the fat is really disappearing there. It’s making me look different. I’m not really sure what I am gonna look like as I keep exercising. I haven’t been to boxing in a couple of weeks, but I want to go this next week. I can only go swimming next week then I have to take a break while my tattoo heals. And then I can go swimming in a few weeks again, and then in late July I have to stop again for another month after the NEXT tattoo heals.

Having my body change on me is weird. I actually never really thought I WOULD lose weight. I thought I would just be the way I was for good. But now I have things changing my body, and I know I have more muscle because I am stronger and I can also see more muscles in my body. And more muscle mass means more fat being burned even at rest. I mean so I heard.

ANYWAY I hate being excited by my body changing, because of the fat phobia and ALSO I think fat bodies are fine. BUT ALSO I had a lot of dysphoria when I DID get fat in my 20’s, because until that point I was honestly quite a skinny kid. Like, it looked so different for me and I had a lot to deal with coming to terms with it. And so now going back the other way is also weird but also exciting like it’s the old me that has always been here. And I can also see some other reasons why that happened. Like as a kid I was VERY active, I rode my bike a lot, and all through high school I walked my dog for an hour every day. I haven’t really been so active as an adult.

Ha ha so anyway, maybe I am gonna be one of those annoying light skinned masculine of centre androgynous skinny people that everyone rolls their eyes over because they are in a certain place in desirability levels. AHHHH ha ha desirability privilege. But is that still true for masculine women/non-binary people? Oh hell I don’t even want to try and unpack this right now, I’m so tired today. I do know though that I am getting more flirty attention from people. A lot of men unfortunately, and it’s just like ohhhh no that’s not what is gonna happen here. But I think probably some women are giving me a little bit of attention, they can be really subtle though and I don’t pick up on subtlety well.

Either way, this is all gonna be changed very shortly, since next Sunday is when I get my face tattooed in Edmonton. And I’m sure it’s going to change who is attracted to me and why. It’s probably going to make people find me very confrontational/scary also. And also it’s going to make me more obviously Indigenous, which is what I really want.

Tentative Is A Good Word, But Feels Weird

I have reached out to the other two individuals I am hoping will help me make a baby. It’s been really strange. No one prepares you for having those kind of blunt upfront possibly life-changing conversations with people. I really didn’t know how either of them were going to react, and I was worried I’d totally weird them out. BUT I did choose both of them to approach because they are genuinely kind loving people who I have positive relationships with. And one of them seems very excited to be involved, which makes me really happy. The other one said they were honoured, but they need more time to consider it, which is totally fine by me, and I was expecting them to need time to think and talk it over. I’m really not sure what it’s going to look like if all this works out and I do end up with a baby, as in if anyone will want to continue being involved in some way in the baby’s life. I would be pretty open to co-parents and aunties (and uncles) being involved in this child’s life. But also I don’t want to make either of these people feel like they are signing up for a lifetime commitment if really all they want to do is help out in creating a life and then see some cute pics of the kid on Instagram. I’m feeling really flexible about it.

I think something I like about the queer community is how different families can be, like, they aren’t always nuclear families, they can involve multiple parents, there are polya families, like there’s a lot of different ways of having families and raising children. You don’t have to be in a romantic partnership to parent a kid with someone, you could be friends. And who knows, maybe I’ll really just be a single mom whose friends like hanging out with my kid. Which is a nice community to raise a kid in too. I think growing up with a single parent made me feel like it’s very possible to do that. Like I DID want a partner to do this with, and I still do, but also I can see how I could do it alone. It wouldn’t be awful. It would be hard, but not impossible.

I’m really having a breakthrough in having difficult conversations though. I’ve been contacting people through OKC for maybe dates or friend hang outs. I tried to open up a conversation with someone about something that had happened between us, and even though she evaded the topic and we went back to talking about something else, I kind of felt good about bringing it up and having given her the option to discuss it with me. And the fact she didn’t want to kind of told me all I needed to know about it. I don’t really have any other heavy conversations I need to start, so I’m glad about that. It’s hard, even when it’s about positive things, or POTENTIALLY positive things. Maybe especially when it’s things that could be positive, because people are really unpredictable, and can take things in so many different ways. Like shit can just go sideways so fast.

Anyway, it’s Mother’s Day today. I promised my Mom I would make her crepes suzette and mimosas when I come back home in June, and take her for dinner to her favourite Korean restaurant. She’s finally gotten really excited about this potential baby. It’s so unknown still, there are so many variables, and so many more steps, and so much more money involved. But even if I don’t end up with a genetically related to me baby, I’m still gonna end up with a baby, because if this doesn’t work out I’m going to try adoption. But I think the idea of having a baby that belongs to me and is part of my tribe is really important. I admit I would be disappointed if it doesn’t work out. I wouldn’t give up on kids, but it would feel just a bit different. I’m sure I would love whatever kids I end up with, and probably even if I DO have this baby, there’s gonna be a kid in my life who is not biologically related also, because I’m probably gonna have two. I dunno, it’s interesting.

BUT I’m glad that it’s Mother’s Day and I’ve finally talked to the two people I hope will be able to help me with this task of making a baby. It’s a journey and I’m taking steps everyday.

Swimming and Gender

So, I’ve been trying on the pronoun “they/them” and actually I’ve decided I prefer “she/her.” I really did give it a shot. I just feel comfortable with she and her. I still feel really non-binary/genderfluid though. I still don’t feel like getting medical interventions for my gender stuff, I’m happy with the body I have.

So it was kind of surprising to me when I went swimming today how much apprehension around swimming I have had due to gendered issues. I didn’t realize I’ve had so many negative experiences swimming because of being a little girl (when I was one) and being a masculine girl especially. Anyway, there were some differences in my experience today that made me relax and feel better about it.

The first one was my swimsuit is a one piece Beefcake Swimwear swimming suit that is modelled after 1920’s swimming suits, so it’s got like, shorts, and a higher top, and it covers a lot, and for my gender it feels really good. I didn’t like all the other swimming suits I have had, ladies one piece flowers etc things with skirts and shit like that. And this is made for non-binary people and others who don’t feel comfortable with regular swimwear. It felt really comfortable and I felt protected even though I was just wearing some spandex. But I don’t know, it made me feel at ease with myself and my body. I liked it. So that was a big change.

Also the pool we went to is new, and the gendered things you find in most pools just weren’t there. There’s no gendered group change rooms, you go into individual stalls to change. Which also made me feel better as a queer, because I hate just trying to put on gym/swim clothes knowing there’s a big neon sign over my head going “DYKE! DYKE!” and feeling like lesbophobic women are starting to act weird. ANYWAY yeah, ALSO it’s just nice having privacy like that to change. I’m not really like, prudish, I don’t think, I can be naked lots of places. But I don’t always like being naked with strangers.

There’s also not gendered shower rooms, like basically it’s a totally gender neutral aquatic centre which I found SO AMAZING. I didn’t realize how uncomfortable I felt with gendered swimming pools until I went to one that wasn’t.

They actually do have swimming times there that are specifically for women, and I’m curious about going to those. But mostly I was just feeling pretty safe. And it was lane swimming today, pretty “boring” stuff, so it was mostly people wanting to exercise and not really just playing in the water. I’ve never done lane swimming before, it was kind of nice though, and my arms feel a little bit stronger from it. But yeah, there were a lot of elderly people there, and that felt comfortable too, because I don’t really like being around jerky youth that treat me shitty because they don’t get me. Maybe I am just remembering that from when I was also a youth.

Anyway, I have another exercise activity I can do, and that feels pretty awesome. Swimming and boxing! I’m gonna stick with that for a while and see what happens!

More Cuties!! More Cheese and Wieners!

It’s now AN ADDITIONAL DAY before I can get my Macbook Pro from the shop. They got the part delivered at 11am, but no one did anything until I called at 3:30 and asked how it was going, only to hear them have to go and find out the part had been sitting at the front the whole time. Then I had been told it would be 45 minutes to install, only to call at 5:15 and tell me it still wasn’t done and after that they still needed to do a three hour test, with the store closing at 6pm anyway. SO BASICALLY it’s hopefully gonna be done at 1:30pm, but the way things are going I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if they manage to break something new. It’s such a shit show. OMG. I took this thing in April 4th, and it’s gonna be May 8th tomorrow.

Also I did a shoot this past weekend, so I have footage that has been shot and needs to be transferred to the new computer and converted and then brought into Adobe Premiere and After Effects for some editing and colour correction and possible other effects. So it’s like, I can’t do any of that with this broken Macbook I am using, this 7 year old sad heap. I tried to convert some AVCHD files to 4K video, and it just like, got real sad and slow and suddenly nothing worked. And then I tried to convert to even smaller files and it was just like, nope!

Anyway whatever, the end is sort of in sight, although that might completely change again depending on the skill of the repair people.

I’ve had a couple of personal breakthroughs recently, which is really nice. I guess “interpersonal” breakthroughs is probably a better way of putting it, since they involve other people. One is that I was finally able to completely let go of feelings for someone who just wasn’t feeling anything for me and wasn’t going in the same direction with her life either. I’m so fucking relieved, because I’ve been trying to be open to new women, and completely shut down at the same time. But now it’s like, different. I still doubt I am gonna massively fall in love in the next couple of months, although surprising things happen all the time. But yeah, it’s a good move for me, to move on.

The other interpersonal breakthrough is basically feeling pretty confident about no longer being friends with the “best friend” who flipped out on me three times in the last year and took everything to a dark place and got so goddamn toxic. I’m feeling pretty relieved about the end of that too. She tried to wish me a happy birthday after and it was so fucking weird, especially after her completely evil toxic sludge of a meltdown in my emails while I was at boxing class. Like not even an apology before she started trying to talk to me like she cared anymore, when her expressions before were about totally loathing me. Like loathing everything that I do and am. And it feels kind of like, fucked, like why would I have been such good friends with someone who hated me that much? Why would SHE have been friends with me so long if she’s hated me and what I do and talk about this whole time? It’s kind of sick and twisted. Anyway, THAT is over and she paid the rest of the money she owed me and basically now if she emails me again I’m going to block her and that will be the end of it. I already deleted her number, unfriended her on Facebook, and blocked her on Instagram. I guess I am still following her on Youtube but I’m gonna “unsubscribe” whenever I get around to it. Basically I only use youtube for music video watching and tutorials anyway. Plus who knows, if I keep “following” her and she has some kind of meltdown again I don’t really want to get a notice where she makes a video about the people she hates. What a drag that would be.

I’ve been listening to the new Janelle Monaé album a lot, I’m super into it. It’s kind of perfect for my life right now.

I’ve got an appointment to get my chest done, and I don’t mean top surgery, I mean a gorgeous roaring bear on my solar plexus that I can show off with low cut shirts this summer. I’m only getting the outline done first. The artist has tattooed me before, which is good cause she kind of knows my limits from the last time. I’ve managed to do about 2.5 hours before hitting the threshold of pain, and the last time was like, only an hour but she works fast. I’m scheduled in for about three hours, but that’s pretty flexible, it won’t be the whole time. I’m excited! I’ve wanted it for a while, not as long as this other tattoo I wanna get on my ass, but like, long enough that I’m sure I want it there. Eventually I’ll wanna get a Little Mister and a Posey tattoo I am sure, but that’s for another day.

I’m also getting my chin done in literally 20 days. It’s coming soon and gonna totally change my life!08

THE NEXT DAY!

I’ve got my Macbook Pro BACK! BUTTTTTTTTTT it needs to be restored, so for whatever reason I decided to follow the Carbon Copy Cloner advice from the internet and now it’s taking a fucking long time. I mean, it’s at 178.09 GB transferred right now, BUT I need to transfer 1.65 TB which is a lot. And this has already taken 3 and a half hours. SO LONG! OMG. I did this before and it went way faster, I don’t know if I had less GB at the time, or what, but this is like, oy. I am also using the external hard drive as the startup disk and I am beginning to think that was a poor choice. BUT I was following internet instructions. I’m sure when it’s done it will be fine and perfect and I’ll be in love with it again, BUT it might take 26-25.5 more hours to get there, which is disappointing. That’s basically a whole other day. MY LAPTOP I JUST WANT IT BACK!

Posey had dog class, she did good while we had high value treats like cheddar and wieners, but I ran out early, and she ran out of patience, and basically we were sent home early after she just stood on alert barking at every little noise she heard. She did good tho for a little worried dog, she’s a good girl, she just needs more cheese and wieners. Don’t we all?

It’s a beautiful day today. I’m beginning to think I might have a new crush which is totally ridiculous and it’s probably not going anywhere because I don’t really know this woman and she doesn’t know me at all. I just think someone is cute. BUT it’s nice to think someone is cute.

More cuties! More cheese and wieners!

Lazy Bumblebees

This morning I was watching a slow lazy bumblebee buzz around outside my window. I think they are my favourite of all the bees. I took it as a good omen.

And then my mail came, and it was a confirmation of an appointment with the fertility clinic to explore getting some eggs frozen! I had to email them back to confirm, and anyway, in July I go meet with this fertility doctor! So that kind of made my day! I also found out some good work news, and am gonna have some work phone calls this afternoon.

AND I went and bought a fancy camera. I’m waiting for some lenses to get delivered today, I have been following the tracking number and it’s left Montreal yesterday and said it would be delivered today, but even tho it’s only almost 2pm, I am suspecting that it’s going to be tomorrow when it comes. UNLESS it comes around supper? Who knows! I also ordered a camera bag which came this morning with my other mail. I really want to fill it up with lenses and feel prepared, BUT noooooo where are they? Somewhere between here and Montreal.

I’ve been reading some fertility advice on the clinic’s page, apparently it’s a good idea to quit high impact exercise, which boxing is, which sucks because I love my boxing classes. I’m totally willing to stop for a while and do other exercise. I just got a new non-binary swimsuit that I want to try out, so that would be a good go to. My nearest pool has free admission, so it’s completely within the realm of possibility for me to start swimming once a week or something. It would be nice, I haven’t swam in a long time. Is it Swam or Swum? Past tense for swim? I dunno!

I got an update on my Macbook, Apple has PROMISED to ship the required custom part tomorrow, which means it would get there Friday or Monday. I’m at the top of the priority list for getting it installed, so as soon as it comes to the shop they would take 45 minutes to install it and call me to come pick it up. SO it could be soon I have my macbook, or it could be Monday. STILL that is at least an end in sight to this terrible sad situation.

AND my new camera bag also has a compartment for a laptop, so technically I could carry all of this equipment with me all at once, which would be amazing. I’m sure it would be heavy, BUT probably not as heavy as I am imagining it would be. If the lenses arrive today I’m gonna cancel my camera booking for this weekend and just use what I got.

I have a shoot this weekend and I booked a bunch of stuff, but recently cancelled some of it because basically I have a total audio package now with a boom pole and windsock/thingy and shock absorbing mount for the mic, and of course the mics I got last year and my Zoom recorder. So now with my camera and my laptop, I can basically make videos all on my own without grants again, I just need to rent lights on occasion which are so inexpensive. So I’m pretty happy about that. I’ve also been paying for adobe creative cloud these days, so I have access to all the Adobe programs and can edit shit, and do fancy ass things. It’s nice! I almost feel spoiled, except I spoiled myself, except also really it’s just work stuff so ha ha it’s like, yeah, I needed it.

The thing is, I DO need grants to make videos, because there are OTHER costs besides renting equipment. BUT technically if I wanted to do something I thought was more controversial or dodgy in terms of getting funding, I could probably do it on my own. Like say art porn or something. But I dunno, I feel weird about making porn, cause honestly I haven’t had a ton of sexual partners in my life, so I don’t even really feel like the kind of sex I actually like is the kind of sex I have even had myself yet. So making porn about sex I haven’t been able to have because I’m what the millennials call Demisexual, AND kinky, I dunno…. Seems like I need to have more experience before I can make that kind of porn. I’m just weird that way. Like yeah, I guess I just don’t want to make stuff about things I haven’t done.

Which is ALSO a funny thing to say because I’m making a feature about things I haven’t done, and that to my knowledge no human is capable of.

Tonight I think I’m gonna chill out and watch Mulholland Drive for the first time in a few years. I lost my DVD and ordered the BluRay from Amazon a while back. Actually today I took recycling out, and it was a shit load of Amazon Prime boxes and I felt super sheepish like “there’s the Big Spender in Unit X.” Not to mention this summer it looks like I’m gonna shell out a few thousand for some miracle science baby making stuff. BUT at least I don’t have to order fertility drugs off of Amazon. Although the shipping would be free.