Monthly Archives: December 2017

Stuff about work, and some reasonable paranoia

This weekend has been pretty good. I have a deadline for this script this coming Friday, so mostly I did that, with breaks to do housework stuff. I cleaned the kitchen, which was really in desperate need. I cleaned out the fridge today. I washed the floor. But when I cleaned the kitchen some old piece of glass from when I broke my coffee pot must have been around, because I had a lil piece in my foot today that was driving me nuts. Anyway, things in here are way better, I did laundry too. Not sheets yet tho, I’m doing those tomorrow.

Tomorrow is my last push to make specific changes to the end of my script. Then Friday I’m running through the whole thing and trying to make some more general changes. A note I got is that people all sound the same in my script, which is true, they don’t have separate voices in my head when I have written their dialogue. And they need more individual personalities. So I am gonna go through it and try to punch that up. And check some more general notes and try to resolve those problems, then get it in! It’s so close! Then Christmas break, which is nice. Except I’ll be working. But not on the script!

I WILL have to work on another creative project tho, I need to rewrite a treatment to make it more specific for a project. I put it away a while ago and haven’t really seriously looked at it recently but I gotta do it. And I gotta rework the budget. I originally budgeted a huge amount for actors, but now I am realizing their time commitment is not so huge that I need to spend SO much. Like they are still gonna get paid decently. But I think I can make some room for other things like editing suite rental and equipment rental etc. So I’m gonna play with the numbers a little.

I’m gonna hear about a grant in January too, and if I get it I’ll have a project to work on this summer. But I really do think I’ll still work at my job if that is going well. I’m not really trusting the universe to catch me after grants dry up the way I used to. Like, it was nice to sort of live off my career this summer. But out of the ordinary. And I imagine my rent will remain mostly the same next year, maybe a small increase, but my income wasn’t huge this last year. And $10,000 was an award which isn’t considered income by CRA. So that’s nice.

It’s hard to work so much. At least I like doing the career stuff. It’s always fun. I remember one time I went back to see an old girlfriend who never goes online (not social media anyway) so she asked what I was doing and I told her I was working on videos and stuff and she was kind of disgusted and like “You still do THAT?!” OH MAN! I was like oh god whatever this is the way you are anyway why am I surprised? Anyway yes, I still do that, I have a goal in my head, I am heading TOWARDS something here. Like it’s all building up to new and bigger things. I just really like doing videos and films. Like I’m good at it and like it and people seem to sometimes like watching them. So why stop? It’s kind of funny she was so disgusted tho, like I got stuck in my growth or something and nothing ever changed and I’ve been making the same video about the same subject ever since. Ha ha which is not true, I’ve made videos about all kinds of things. So whatever.

Anyway, work starts in less than 48 hours! It’s exciting! I’m gonna iron some shirts tonight or tomorrow. I’m not gonna walk in there in a t-shirt that’s for sure. I already have knuckle tattoos, I don’t need to look any more alternative than I already do. AND my pink hair. Which I gotta redye tonight actually before I forget. I need a hair cut, but my hair stylist isn’t working on Mondays, so I was gonna go on Saturday.

Tomorrow I might also have to swing by the welfare office for my cheque. I hope they direct deposit it though, I don’t want to go to that area right now, even tho I’ll be there during broad daylight. Just a block away women have been going missing and been murdered and a bunch of men went missing over the recent years too. But especially in the last month, violence seems to be escalating in that area. And it seems to happen after hours, but I still feel creeped out. People are getting really scared. I’m sure I’d be fine if I went, but the less I need to go to that area, the safer I would feel.

I’ve lived in neighbourhoods before where women were going missing, and even tho I was not the demographic being targeted (in that case it was sex workers in the DTES) it still feels creepy as hell and unsafe. And I remember a few times men in cars assuming they could pay me for sex even tho I wasn’t doing any of the usual things women in that area did to indicate they were available. Like I’d just be walking home and they’d pull right in front of me blocking my way trying to get me in their cars. And it’s like fuck off! But also especially sketchy at that time because of all the missing women. Anyway, it feels different this time because there’s not really one specific thing tying these missing people together besides the neighbourhood. It was mostly gay/bi/queer men going missing, but now it seems to be also cis and trans women, queer and maybe also not? So I really don’t know what’s going on. It feels like someone is escalating their pattern and feels really comfortable in that neighbourhood, comfortable enough that they are sticking to that area. I don’t have a lot of ideas of how to avoid being attacked by a stranger. Like situations with people I know, I can kind of understand, I don’t have friends who are violent in that way, but to me it makes more sense if someone has a reason to go after someone. This seems all sort of meaningless and senseless.

There have been times in my hood (and probably a bit in the neighbourhood this is happening in) where I became aware that there were people around who could take deep offence to an unintended slight and attack someone over it. I still don’t really understand that though. I don’t understand violence as a general rule, even though sometimes I’ve felt wildly angry. But also the times I’ve felt wildly angry I’ve been able to walk away and cool down, or shake it off, before doing something supremely bad. Like just deal with it man! But some people don’t have any of that self control. And those are people I just want to be aware of so I can stay out of their way.

But this feels more premeditated than that, these disappearances. It feels like someone is seeking out people to harm. And it’s so fucking creepy.

Yeah, so I hope welfare direct deposits my (hopefully last!) cheque. But even then, next month I start a new ASL class, and have to go to Church and Wellesley all over again. I hope they catch whoever is doing this.


Ha ha omg, so the things I wanted from my last post actually happened for me. I got that job I applied for! It’s a job I had a long time ago, back in Vancouver but they have an office here, and is like, such a day job kind of thing, not related so much to the art community, which is good really because I need a break from that. And I’m gonna work three days a week, and have time to keep doing my art stuff, and technically I could work more hours if I want I guess. So it’s exciting!

Also some other money is coming in from an art project, which I can talk more about at a later date. But that’s like, dribs and drabs, and mostly not for me, it’s for a production.

And then also I found out a grant I co-wrote with someone came through, so that feels pretty good. It’s not for me to make work tho it’s an organizational project grant. But I’m feeling happy that we got it, because sometimes I feel dubious about my grant writing skills. Even tho I get quite a lot of the grants I apply for, comparatively.

Also I had a meeting with Ontario Works this morning. I was gonna cancel, because I had got the job the day before or whatever. But they said it was part time and since it would be awhile before my first pay cheque they could probably help me out for now. And there’s this employment start up benefit they give people who are just starting jobs. Which I am gonna use to get a metropass. So they were all ready to help me out but then they needed me to have a bank account based in Toronto, and even tho mine is connected to my address here, the branch itself is in Saskatoon. Which hadn’t been a problem before, but was a problem now. And I had therapy this afternoon, which made me not able to get an appointment at the bank until after 4pm. But I moved my bank account and got my direct deposit form into Ontario Works, but it was late in the day by then, on a Friday, so I will probably have to go in on Monday and get a cheque. I’m hoping that I make enough money that they will kick me off Ontario Works soon though, because ughh it is such a drag. And then I had to update some things like my PayPal, so that money goes to my account and not to an account that doesn’t exist anymore.

I kind of feel bad that my bank account got closed, just because I used to be able to see my history, and now there’s nothing! I can’t see when I had money, or when stuff usually gets automatically withdrawn, etc. It’s just a deposit of 3.97 or whatever I had left in that account. And some money someone e-transferred to me to get me through the weekend. Kind of like having my existence erased, it’s so weird. At least it happened before I started work, because I have to go bring a direct deposit slip in with me for my paycheques.

Anyway, I’m glad I’m gonna have a regular income again, it’s such a relief. Someone sent me a job posting for a six month contract job, but I’m not really interested in giving up a regular ongoing job for something so short. I kind of want a job that has some longevity to it. And Toronto is notorious for contract work. Something like 50% of workers here are working contracts.

I remember when I was younger, I sometimes landed these cushy jobs with like, long range potential. Okay, only once did I have a job like that. Like it was the kind of job people do until they retire with a really nice pension. And for all kinds of reasons I was really leery of it, like that scene in the Simpsons where Mr. Burns puts up a sign in Homer’s work area saying “Don’t Forget, You’re Here Forever.” OMG! Ha ha ha omg. But then again I was way younger, like early 30’s, and in a city I didn’t want to stay in forever, and other complications were at work. But also that kind of commitment was really scary at the time. Now, it’s not so scary. I don’t think this job comes with a sign saying “Don’t Forget, You’re Here Forever” but I can see myself doing it for a nice long while.

I mean who knows tho. I haven’t had my first day yet. I remember how it was, but that was at an office in another city. Over ten years ago. Things will probably be very different. And I have fundamentally changed in a lot of ways since then. And I am also very aware that this is what I am going to do so I can pay my rent, bills, and groceries, and maybe have enough to go see concerts now and then. Like my motivations are pretty specific, and I’m doing it on more of a part time basis than when I originally did it. And it’s not gonna make me rich or anything, especially not working part time. But it will get me used to working again in a more traditional work environment, and have structure, and I can handle the pace of it, and I think it’s gonna be good for me to only do it three days a week. So I’ll have two days I can concentrate on my art practice, and the weekend for whatever. It’s good! And hopefully the dogs will forgive me for being gone three days out of seven.

I am hoping between this job and artist fees, I’ll make an okay living. I’m not gonna be rolling in dough or anything. But I should have enough I don’t have to worry so much, which is nice. And there’s still a serious long range job I want to apply for in the future, that I might actually have a good shot at. But even that if I did get it, doesn’t start for months and months.

So things are looking up. And I hope I will get that office Christmas party, those are my favourite. I just like sitting around with co-workers eating meats and cheeses and watching someone act silly. Ha ha I don’t even know if this company will do one of those.

I hope I like my new job. I hope they like me. I hope I do well.

And I hope I can maintain my artistic practice at the same time!