Monthly Archives: August 2017

Lacklustre Post

Hey hey! Here’s the centrefold of the first and only issue of Fit of Pique the ZINE based on this blog but also I just drew and wrote a bunch of stuff. I made it for a class! Some guy was an asshole to me about it tho cause I wrote a story in there about being a psychiatric survivor so it diminished me as a human being in his eyes. This is actually not a unique experience I have had, it has happened before about other aspects of my identity.

ANYWAY~! It’s Saturday night and I’m just hanging out at home. I cleaned the place so I don’t feel like a jerkface. I used to be a mega slob, then I quit weed and suddenly had energy and desire to not live in filth anymore. So it’s not too bad, sometimes there’s stuff on the floor but it’s getting better.

Today was a fucked up day, I think we can all agree. Literal nazis rallied in the USA and literal nazis killed antifa protestors. And the ACLU helped the nazi’s get their permit to rally reinstated, which makes me fucking suspicious of the ACLU now.

And then the President didn’t really come out strongly against it because a) he knows white supremacy got him into power, and b) he is also a white supremacist.

So, I dunno. Life is really sketch on this planet. So you can read this image and have a laugh or a cringe that has nothing to do with contemporary politics. Hell it was drawn in 2005 that’s a long time ago.

I’m in a relatively good mood, although earlier this evening I had like, cry eyes, like not crying but like I MIGHT CRY! Like some tears lining up to paratroop out and then changing their minds. And it wasn’t even related to fuckin anything, it was just like, feeling disappointed in myself as a person. And then it went away.

You know I was gonna try and write a really good post today. But I am fuckin wiped out and I need to hit the hay soon. And I’m just gonna hit publish. The main thing you can see is the pic anyway, which I hope makes up for the lacklustre content tonight!

In which I say I’m not gonna talk about therapy then do it anyway

Therapy day was today. YAY! Ha ha! I am not gonna talk all about here what I talk about there. Obviously. And I don’t really talk about here what I talk about in my very secret diary, because really it’s just interpersonal stuff there. BUT I will say that I’m relieved I have gotten a therapist who is open minded about things like me being at the bathhouse and polyamory stuff and all kinds of random queer shit I have going on at any point in my life. It’s easier to work through things when someone is non-judgemental about that stuff.

I remember once I had a counselor I was trying to talk to about a relationship I was in at the time, and I mentioned someone else that person was dating. I forget if their other partner at the time was a woman or a man, but ultimately it doesn’t matter, because the fact they were dating someone else made everything really suspect. And it turned into this very uncomfortable lecture about how the only healthy relationships are monogamous. And I realized then and there I suddenly COULD NOT talk about my relationships with this counselor, because she just wouldn’t understand. And that is a pretty major part of anyone’s life.

To be real, I could do monogamy as easily as polyamory. I’ve only ever done polyamorous relationships so far though, just because they tend to be more common in the circles I run in. BUT YEAH I would like to be able to talk about things like this with my therapist. So I am glad I have one who is decent about it.

She’s not even judgey about psychics. I was trying to to say something about visiting this psychic and wondering if it was real and maybe I’m just in control of my destiny because not everything she said would happen has happened. And my therapist was just like “Maybe psychics have some good points AND you are in control of your destiny.” I dunno, she’s just a really good therapist for me.

She always gives me goals after and I write them down and then lose the paper. I’m worried someone’s gonna find it someday and be like “Why do you have to talk to these two people? Why are you needing to write letters to exes? Why do you need a reminder to eat breakfast and go to bed? What is this about?” And I’d probably grab it and eat it in front of them just to throw them off asking such invasive questions.

Or I’d yell “It’s therapy homework, Nosey!”

The funny thing is one person has been therapy homework for almost three months about trying to repair a wounded relationship with them (non-romantic). And I tried a few times and it really failed in a sad way, not a complete Door Closing way but more like a go away for now way. And so anyway, they are on the therapy homework list again so I have some kind of accountability to continuing trying to repair this otherwise lovely friendship with someone I like. EXCEPT I think to repair it I have to dredge up unpleasant things, and that’s what’s holding me back because I’m like “Fuck that feels like a shitty thing to do to someone.” Like to bring up this painful thing and then be like “Let’s talk about it because I miss being your friend, even tho this is way more painful to you than it is to me.” I’m not an emotional sadist in any way, so it’s difficult.

I’m heading off this weekend for Montreal. So I’ve got to think and write my script. Which was my other therapy homework, to keep writing and finish by the end of the month. So that’s what I’m gonna do.

The dogs have already gone to the sitter. And I’ve been pretty sedentary the last few hours so I think I’m gonna do a pick up/sweep/floor wash to cap off my day.