Monthly Archives: July 2017

I literally have nothing to say today

You know, most of the time I come here to write as part of an exercise just to get things out of my head and onto a page so I can then go on and write scripts and things. It really does help, I recommend blogging to anyone who needs a dumping ground for words now and then. I know some people write really thoughtful blogs that have like, a thesis statement and an actual point, and sometimes I feel badly I don’t do that. These really aren’t essays, except for the few that are. Mostly I just like talking about things on my mind here, not really trying to make a salient point.

I’ve got until the end of the summer to get this draft of my script done, which is exciting and I know I have the time to do it, because I deliberately didn’t plan any other projects or things at this point in the year. I’ve got full time writing days ahead of me and it’s pretty cool.

I’ve been thinking about feeling like I have to justify being a big old weirdo these days. I’m sure no one really expects that of me, but it’s this weird abstract pressure I feel and I don’t know where it’s coming from. My old close friends definitely aren’t bothering me about needing to be something other than I am. And I am pretty sure newer friends are more interested in knowing me as I am other wise they wouldn’t be around either. And yet sometimes I feel deeply uncomfortable with this life I am living and the things I say and my weird dreams (as in actual dreams of the future, not my sleepy time dreams which are also weird anyway). And it’s not that I DON’T like this life I am living. I’m pretty lucky that I’ve been able to be a full time artist/writer. I have this totally enviable schedule that is so flexible, and yet also involves me doing a lot of work. I think it’s that my life does not match up with what society thinks people should be doing.

Like, I don’t have a burger flipping job I go to. I don’t have any kind of job with set defined hours and a physical location I have to go to. I don’t even do office work like I used to. People really hate that, because if THEY have to do it, you should too. BUT my work is different. It’s still work. It’s just not THAT kind of work. And I do have this sort of safety net of social assistance, BUT I haven’t had a payment in a few months because I’ve made enough on my own to be ok.

I think the other things that make me uncomfortable are just related to whatever weird shit I am doing on social media. Like sometimes I take it really seriously, and other times I am reposting memes and laughing my ass off at home over it. I don’t know, I know some people like whatever I do there, but then some people I am sure find me annoying. I sometimes worry I post too much, but then fuck this thing is really funny I can’t NOT post it right?

And also advice giving. People have been giving me a lot of advice lately, and sometimes I really like it, and other times I’m like why are you telling me this? It’s just weird. And some of it has to do with taking emotional risks and it makes me really second guess myself and get depressed over it. And some of it is just ridiculously not an issue, like about something I should try eating. I don’t feel grumbly about that kind at all. I just feel stressed when I have six different kinds of advice about one interpersonal thing and it’s all different and I know no matter what I do someone’s gonna be like “Oh oh oh! You should have listened to me or this terrible thing wouldn’t have happened!”

And the terrible things. The terrible things in the future. UGH! And it’s not even like they have happened yet, or even will happen. But they still loom, these shadows of possible misfortunes. Like getting the tower in a future position of a tarot reading and the reader going “ummmmm well now…”

The funny thing is that the first paragraph of this blog post is a total lie. I did have a point to this blog, which was to try and write my way into feeling a little better about my life and where it has ended up. Because I did end up in a good spot. I have this amazing career that has taken me places and gotten me an income at times and made me feel very fulfilled.

BUT I have had a career for 22 years. Which is a long time. Like it’s the most important thing in my life, and I’ve been doing it a long time, and gone to university to advance it, and created a lot of films and videos (mostly videos to be technically accurate), and won awards, and am making the step to features after wanting that for a long time, and doing this video game. And that’s all really good. But part of me is like Jesus I just wish I also had like a relationship to go along with this. And then I wonder if that’s kind of ridiculous too, like women’s ambitions as taught through Disney cartoons are always to get into a long term forever relationship with some perfect stranger. BUT they never show what happens after they meet. Which I find really suspicious. All that indoctrination for girl children into marriage culture, but they never show how a long term relationship works after that. It’s a little too convenient for me.

So I both want and am suspicious of relationships.

In truth, most of my relationships were really short lived. And I think part of the reason is that I didn’t want to stick around if it wasn’t working out. I also got dumped a lot though. But also those were early 20’s relationships. And then my 30’s relationships were these really abstract things, where we didn’t specify that they were real things. They were to some degree, but no one ever changed their Facebook relationship status over it. So strange. I think the actual last relationship where someone explicitly called me their girlfriend was Amber Dawn, which was a long time ago. Other women and I had these weird things. Like giving flowers and going on dates and making out and sleeping in the same bed and doing some sexy stuff and like, all kinds of really emotionally intimate things, BUT not actually calling me their girlfriend. It’s been a confusing decade of that. And the break ups were usually not even so specific either, like we’d just slowly stop hanging out. Or the hang outs would become friend hang outs and not we’re gonna go do this thing then come home and roll around for a while making out.

I kind of miss when things were spelled out more specifically. Like asking people on dates instead of ambiguous queer hang outs. Ha ha now I sound like an old lady talking about the old timey days. I’m sure people still go on dates.

My dogs are barking at nothing right now.

But who knows, maybe someday someone will want a girlfriend/partner/whatever I would be, with someone with a weirdo career that is so established. I’m sure there are women who find that kind of thing appealing. And dogs that bark. And stable housing. And my winning personality that posts so many ridiculous memes on Facebook. And kink! Don’t forget the kink.

Where is this coming from?

Ugh I feel sad all of a sudden and it’s not even tied to anything except I started thinking about how I need to go down to legal aid and talk to someone about my upcoming ODSP tribunal. What a pain in the ass. I don’t know why they keep disagreeing that I am disabled. Like I literally have a disability that is severe enough that other people with the same diagnosis are already accepted on ODSP.

I think it’s because I haven’t gone crazy in Ontario yet. WHICH SUCKS because I don’t want to have to get really sick again to prove I really have a disability. Like just trust me. JUST BELIEVE ME! When I went mad the first time, I came back down to earth and moved away back to Vancouver and some of my friends there kept saying things like “Oh you’re not crazy” blah blah blah. And it’s like, ok, I’m not ACTIVELY trying to drink the Nivea, BUT I have this happen in certain times of my life and it cycles. And it’s not even just the mania, like more often it’s depression I deal with and it’s not normal. Like very rarely is it situational depression. I could be having a perfectly nice life and suddenly my brain will be like “time to die!” and I’m like “wtf brain why are you doing this to me?”

I’m doing pretty good now. Which is probably what the ODSP people will point out. Like I am not institutionalized, I have a good grasp of reality, I’m able to currently feed myself and keep the house clean and look after my animals and wake up in the morning and be able to get out of bed. BUT that’s not a permanent state. I work really really hard to keep it as permanent as possible, but it would be nice to be on disability so I at least don’t have to panic that I could suddenly need to stop working for a while because my mood would get all weird, and not starve or get evicted. Sheesh.

It’s not even like it’s a lot of money. Like they are not saving the province so much money by keeping legitimately bipolar disordered people off of disability. And I have been reporting my income pretty truthfully to ontario works, so I’m not trying to scam anyone here.

ARGH and people are so judgey about social services. Like that people shouldn’t be on it, like I should go work at Popeye’s making biscuits or something even tho there’s a bunch of reasons I can’t do work like that.

Ahhhhhhhhhh I hate this.

BUT that’s really just this thing I’m thinking about. I am thinking about lots of other things. Like my work I have now writing. Like how I need to start feeding myself better. Like how I have to figure out what I am doing at Christmas because I don’t know if I want to be gone for a month but also the dogs and ahhh.

I really should stop writing today’s pity party blog and go write a grocery list while I have the cash for a big grocery shop. And feed the dogs. The dogs always need food.

Maybe if I get some fruit I will feel less randomly bummed out. Ha ha! So weird. Mood disorders! FUN! Ha ha

As terrifying as it is comforting

I got notes back on my outline so it’s back to writing a whole bunch. And I have a little bit left to do on the Animation. But I’m thinking weekends were a good idea, I think that should be something artists look forward to also. I am trying to limit my workload today and tomorrow to just reading all the notes and thinking while I also do fun things like dip back into Netflix and also dig out my copy of Mulholland Drive and watch it again. Yesterday I went to a barbecue which had like, I think, about five kinds of meats. Pretty amazing! Today I just walked Posey and looked at stuff online, but it gets slow on the weekends because people are out living their lives and doing fun things. Which is good, I guess. I need to do more fun things.

Although this last week was pretty amazing, I got to go to my cousin’s wedding reception and see a bunch of friends and my other cousin. I bought tickets to Tori Amos on Wednesday or something and it was like, so exciting, we didn’t get great seats, BUT it’s Tori Amos and I have wanted to see her play live for like, more than half my lifetime. Like I’ve been a fan ever since Under the Pink. Which probably came out when I was a young teenager. And my first manic episode I was fucking OBSESSED with Scarlet’s Walk. It’s pretty cool because Tori’s show is this fall and I saw PJ Harvey this spring and my second major manic episode I was obsessed with PJ Harvey’s album Stories from the City Stories from the Sea. And this year is the ten year anniversary since the last episode, and I feel like I’m in a pretty good place and won’t go manic again for a while. Hopefully by now I know when to get help before things go too crazy.

The first time I went manic I had fallen in unrequited love with a soon to be best friend and it was a mess. My psychiatrist actually told me then that falling in love is a major stress and it could have been totally likely one of the contributors to me going nuts. It’s a little scary, there was an antidepressant which I think was the main reason it happened tho. It just happened to coincide with this love event. BUT ALSO the last time I went manic I had also fallen in love. And that was another big mess. What the hell? I have had some fond feelings towards people since, and some of it felt like love but I wonder if it was really that serious? Is love going to make me flip out again? BUT also I went off my meds the last time, which is really probably the biggest reason it happened. Like I just can’t function without meds anymore, I don’t know if I ever really could though. Life’s a lot better on them though. Like normal.

A hallucination once told me I would live a normal life, which was as terrifying as it was comforting. It had a weird voice actually. You know what it sounded like? It sounded totally like those voice changers they do for people who are trying to be anonymous on TV and tell stories about like, some dangerous gang like the Hells Angels or something. Like a male version of that. So trippy. And when it happened I was already medicated again and coming down from psychosis and actually I think it was the last “symptom” of that I had. Which was a relief. But yeah I already knew by then it was not normal because I had a better grasp on reality at that point. Once I was talking to someone who had lived through psychosis and she said she knew she was okay when she walked down the street and saw a card on the ground, like the jack of hearts or something, and she was like “That means nothing to me!” ha ha! OMG it’s so true. Like things all seem to have huge meaning behind them in psychosis, and when I’m sane I can see something and not make a huge story around what it means and how it’s telling me something.

Anyway, besides that, life is pretty good. I have money in my bank account, probably the most important thing for surviving in this capitalist system. I need to get some groceries actually, I’ve been eating out a lot and it’s not good for being frugal. I hung out with someone really fun this last week for ice cream. I also went to the witch store and got a book called Gay Witchcraft. I haven’t bought a witchy book since I was 14 (besides Tarot card books) so it’s kind of exciting. I did some work on this animation.

I caved and got the Adobe Creative Cloud membership for the next year, which is like, a bunch of money, BUT ALSO really really good for me and I hadn’t realized what a game changer it would be. I’ve been limping along with FCPX and GIMP and it’s just not enough. But these programs all work together really well and as long as I have the membership they will be current programs, and I dunno, it’s kind of amazing. I also found out I’m getting trillium payments every month this year, which will cover most of the cost of these monthly fees for Creative Cloud. I was gonna rip it off, I admit, but I get sketched out by pirated software. So I’m actually glad I’m paying for it.

Since I got the new Macbook Pro I also had to get a new Microsoft Office, a new Final Draft 10, and these Adobe programs. Which isn’t too bad for new software. Apparently my old Final Draft software is incompatible with the current OSX, and crashes when you try to save to PDF. Which makes it pretty useless, since my editor and producers and other people need to read my scripts on PDF if they don’t also have Final Draft. And the new Macbook itself is a dream. It is so responsive and hasn’t crashed and multiple programs can work at the same time and it’s fine with heavy graphics programs and basically I am in love with it. AND even better is it doesn’t get as hot as my old laptop used to get (which is probably one of the reasons it kept having issues). The fans are just really good and quiet and it isn’t like, burning my legs.

Anyway, I don’t have a good ending for this post. It’s been a rambly post. Mostly I’m going to enjoy this weekend and work hard this week and I need to make some deadlines for some things and it will all be good! I’m sure there are other things going on that I’m not going to talk about here. But basically I am pretty happy these days. Not manic happy tho. Just pretty pleased.

But you gotta have friends…

My outline is handed in! I had a really intense go of it finishing up the ending to make it even more horrific. I was writing all these really violent things and being like “Holy shit where is this coming from?” and some of it is like, defensive “righteous” violence and some of it is like, perpetrator stuff, and all of it is disturbing. But I finally got closer to where I think it needs to be as a horror film, because I felt like I was pulling punches before and just skimming over the truth of the subject matter. So I feel happier with it. Next I get more notes and get to work on the script again. I’m really under pressure but for me that is good. I feel like people are kind of going to be surprised at how uncomedic it is. ALTHOUGH I dunno maybe I am funny anyway. Some people think I am funny when I am being serious. it’s a curse.

I’ve been enjoying air conditioning, meanwhile. It’s great! It’s such a relief to be outside during a hot day sweating away and knowing when I get inside that suffering is over. I’ve just been coping with it for two years and now it’s finally done! I can chill out and even sleep under my duvet again. The dogs are happy too. And I am happy they won’t die of heatstroke. AND I am happy I won’t die either, because my meds might make me unable to regulate my body heat. I don’t know if that’s true for me in particular, but it’s a possibility and every time there’s a heat warning, it says something about how children, the elderly, and people on psychiatric medications need to stay cool. I think there’s a couple other people they include in those warnings but I don’t remember now. Either way, I like staying inside and not having to go lurk around Loblaws freezer section anymore to chill out.

I’ve got a bit more work to do on this animation since I got some suggested changes to make. So I’m taking a break the rest of today, but tomorrow I’m going to try and get back to it. I need to find a missing line, and make some things move and change a thing and add some things. So I’m gonna do that and then hopefully it will be ready for them to keep as a resource. I’m basically a technician on this project, which is pretty interesting, and it is volunteer work which makes me feel good. I’m glad my skills are handy.

I’ve been in a pretty good mood lately. I had therapy yesterday, and it was interesting to talk about that one fucked up weekend and how I got over it in like 48 hours. It was such a weird blip. And a little bit scary. But also underscored that I need to further develop my friendship/support network here so I can reach out to a couple more people. It was unfortunate because one of my best friends here happened to be out of town when I was really in distress, and my Mom who I normally reach out to was one of the people I was crabby at. So, I think rather than burden one or two people with my emotional labour needs, if I could spread it out in a more mutually reciprocal way that would be good. Like obviously I know I can’t just take from a friend without giving back too. So finding the right people I can do that with is important. And I’m having some fluctuating closeness/distance with a few friends right now, erring more on the “distance” side unfortunately. So I’m trying to work that out with a couple of them at least. I’m not the greatest at trying to smooth things over with friends. Like have you seen that NFB animation “The Big Snit?” Sometimes I feel like that guy, like when his wife is crying because of the scrabble fight, and she’s in a room by herself, and he comes along to stare at her, and then he pokes her and she bursts into tears and runs away. I feel like that guy! Like so inept. I don’t have really good opening lines for discussing interpersonal issues with friends. I think I’m more upfront with lovers, but that’s like, a long time ago. And friends and I are just like, oh man. Like you don’t really think about how much work goes into maintaining healthy friendships until you hit a snag and realize you don’t want to lose your pal and also don’t know what combination of words and actions is going to make them feel better/trust you/accept that things might be changing in your life but you still love them. It’s hard! And I’m not talking about passing acquaintances either, these are people you have poured some amount of secrets and love into and really enjoy being around and feel better for having them in your life. Like they aren’t just “friends” they are like, the type of people you would be lovers with if you had that chemistry too. So it’s difficult.

People devalue friendships, I think. Like they consider them less-than romantic relationships. It’s why dudes get so mad when a woman they like wants to be friends instead of lovers. Like, dude, you can have a fulfilling friendship with a woman too. Actually a few of my best friends started out as crushes. But you know, they change when it’s established there’s not feelings from the other side. Like one of my best friends started out as a massive crush. And now she and I have been friends for 14 years. I haven’t been in a romantic relationship for a long time, so having close friends really helps me get my emotional needs met. It’s kind of nice anyway. Except for when I screw up and end up trying to figure out how to bridge the divide again.

Anyway, blahhh! I’m going for dumplings with my cousin Steven soon, who is visiting from Saskatoon. He drove me nuts as a roommate but that’s long over since I moved here, and he is my cousin and I do love him and he does love dumplings so I’m excited to take him to my all time favourite dumpling place.

Cis or Trans?

So I’ve had this longstanding thing where I don’t really know if I am cis or trans. In some ways I feel that I come across as cis, because I’m DFAB and have no dysphoria and like my body as it is so I’m not doing a physical transition and I use she/her pronouns. But in other ways I feel trans because I’m Butch (although Butches can definitely be cis) and also non-binary and have a lot of boy feelings sometimes. It’s been really confusing. I talked in my video Boi Oh Boi about when I was going to transition to male and how I changed my mind because I still feel like I have a lot of girl in me too. Like there are aspects of femininity I like, like wearing pinks and nail polish and stuff, but also just woman feels and things, and there’s a comfort in having a foot in women’s identity stuff. So staying with the body type and characteristics I have now is totally fine for me. I like my breasts, I don’t really want to bind. I know I give off masculine vibes and lovers are hesitant to touch my chest in case it sets of some kind of dysphoria for me, but that’s really not an issue for me. Sometimes I like packing but not often. It’s just a whatever Butch gender that is pretty fluid and shifts from time to time. Like sometimes I go through really more masculine phases than other times.

But I’m pretty sure non-binary genders fall under the trans umbrella, which means so do I. I’m sure there are truscum who would disagree because I don’t have dysphoria or any intention to transition medically. It seems weird to call myself trans, because sometimes I feel like there are people who have more of a right to that title. And I know some trans people really don’t like non-binary folks because of whatever reasons they have for not liking people who don’t fit in the binary. AND I still use she/her pronouns which seems to go against the fact that part of the time I feel like a man. But I don’t know, it’s weird, to feel like both genders are present and operating together in me. And I’ve been going back and forth between cis and trans because to most people I seem like a masculine woman. BUT I also really think the internal gender stuff I’ve got going on does not fit with the cis label. Which only leaves me with trans.

It’s funny too because the other identity labels I really relate to are two-spirit, Butch, and Lesbian. And sometimes I wonder if those all fit together. I know Lesbian is a sexuality and not a gender, and since I do feel non-binary (and with some definitely female gender stuff) and only attracted to women, it seems to still fit for me. Two spirit fits because of being First Nations AND queer and my non-binary gender. And I think Butch just fits as like, a gender all it’s own. I was trying to change my gender on Facebook to Butch when they brought out the varied gender options a few years ago, but the closest I could get was two-spirit, which was disappointing.

Once I was dating someone and we were walking down the street and she suddenly turned to me and demanded to know if I was a boy. Like it was kind of funny actually, she sounded really suspicious. And I said no I didn’t think so. But you know, for a long time I’ve felt like it just floats through my body now and then. But it’s still not present enough for me to go get hormones or even change my pronouns. People always check in with me to see what pronouns I am currently using and they’re still she/her, but I appreciate that my gender gets noticed.

So anyway, this blog post was just about me finally conceding the fact that I am not cis. I had a friend who I used to talk about this with, and he always kind of suggested that I seemed to land on the trans spectrum. And I was never sure. But transgender isn’t the exact same as transsexual (although they overlap), it’s more of an umbrella term. So yeah. That’s where I stand at the moment.

Like last time, TERF comments are gonna be deleted.

Lez cause some trouble

It’s not gonna be Canada Day anymore by the time I hit publish on this post. So I may as well talk about other things. Canada and Colonialism kind of absorbed me this last while anyway, like all my fb feed was anti-Canada Day and anti-Canada 150 and it’s important and all but also wears me out. But thank you, friends, for being so upfront about how problematic this day was. And is. And thanks to the allies who raised up issues also. The resistance salutes you.

I’ve spent almost a whole week doing work AND being with my Mom. But soon she is leaving, like in less than 48 hours. So I’ll be alone with the dogs again, and more productive. I’m looking forward to it. I need my space back, and as much as I love her I hate sharing a bed with her because she snores and makes weird huffly noises. And takes up space in the bed. And yeah, it’s just weird. I might actually sleep on the couch tonight. I slept on the couch last night after I had to admit I could not fall asleep next to her. It was uncomfortable, I wasn’t laying on the full length of the couch and my head got turned to an awkward angle. So, at least I slept, which is better than what was going to happen if I stayed in bed with her. I’ve only got two more nights of this and I’m back to having the space all to myself! No one telling me to make them coffee!

The fireworks tonight freaked out my pups. When we came back from a movie, fireworks had already been happening in the neighbourhood and the dogs were nowhere to be seen. Eventually they came running out from under the bed. Little Mister came and got snuggles, but Posey hid under the couch until the fireworks were over. I’m glad I didn’t take them outside this evening. And on these pet groups I belong to, all these run away dogs are getting posted. Poor things.

I’m in a strange mood these days. Like hopeful and dubious at the same time, if that makes sense. I can’t really talk about the whys on my blog though because it involves privacy issues, ha ha mostly about me and my feelings. I sometimes wonder if someone likes me, and it makes me feel hopeful, and then I get really really dubious and am all like maybe not, maybe it’s just gals being pals. Awkward! Like I know I should take subtle hints better, but sometimes I’m just like “nooooo that’s too much to hope for!” And my dating history is so weird, with a lot of really lukewarm attention from lovers who were really just, I don’t know, wasting some time until they found someone better. I mean I am doing therapy about it.

Ahh shit I still have therapy homework to do. Which I haven’t been able to get down to because of all this visiting and having a guest and stuff. Like I’m trying to see the big picture and just be a really together honest loving girlfriend for someone some day, and so I have been trying to consistently work on myself at least so at least one thing is good. I can’t control all the variables but I can control me. And when I think about where I was even just six years ago versus where I am now, there’s been major improvements and upgrades. Like that addictions thing has been under control for five years, and because of it I’m way more in touch with my emotions and I try to be more considerate and my career is better, blah blah blah. I would have been a shitty girlfriend back then and I know it because I’ve seen how much my life has changed. And not that I’m an awful person, or was an awful person, more that dealing with my addictions helped me get my life and mental health back to a really healthy baseline. God I don’t even smoke anymore. That was the hardest to give up! And I even have tobacco in my house for offerings and ceremonial reasons and I never feel like I’m gonna go light it up and smoke it away.

So anyway, it’s just weird trying to be cute and also being me and doing what I do for a living and having this tell all ongoing autobiographical art blog that they could easily reference, including my upset posts interspersed with like “today I wrote a page of script and toasted a bagel.” And I also got a tinder match and I’m like yeah I should probably answer that message it is probably good karma for my dating life to not just leave things hanging even when they aren’t going anywhere. Or maybe they will I don’t know I’m not a psychic!

I did see a psychic a few times, and every time it got to my dating life they kind of said some things that made sense, but ultimately didn’t always get it right or saw women showing up sooner than they did or weird things like just, not quite being solid predictions. And I kind of think now it’s really up to me and maybe no one can predict what is going to happen for me romantically. I guess that’s okay. There was one really interesting comment they made about “moths” tho and how there were these people drawn to me but not really like, into doing a serious thing or taking me seriously as a partner or being able to give me what I want. It actually made a lot of sense for what was going on at that period in my life. That was a weird period. OH and one consistent thing they have been saying is I AM going to eventually find someone I will be in a really good, happy, stable relationship with for the rest of my life. Which is hopeful for sure. The timeline has been off about that though, sometimes they’ve said it’s sooner than other times they have seen it happening.

Oh god I’m tired. Am I really going to hit publish on this? I hope my contemporary crush doesn’t read it and figure out it’s her and feel weird. I try not to talk about crusholas and dating in anything but the most vague ways here. Because I really don’t want someone to read this and think if they date me I’m gonna be like writing intimate details of their life on here too. Ha ha fuck I am gonna hit publish on this. They should change the “publish” button to one that says “Lez cause some trouble!”