Monthly Archives: July 2016

Artistic and Personal Progress

I wrote a good ten pages today, and they were making me laugh (and this script is a comedy so that’s a good sign!). I had fun. I’ve been feeling super productive lately, and this means in 21 more pages I will have a full first draft done. Then I go to Berlin, get time away from it, do my Entzaubert workshop and my video screening, and then come back and do some more work on it and get it to Canada Council 1 month later than intended but still pretty on time and hopefully with enough time to apply for my next grant.

I have a Toronto Art Council grant due, but that’s still gonna be late. Maybe this fall I can do it!

It looks like this film business stuff is going into motion, but it’s a meeting away and there’s still some other hoops of funding to go through, BUT if something happens I will of course finally mention it here more openly.

OMG BUT there was some exciting personal stuff that happened where I told someone my feelings and it was actually really cool and friendly and I think it will bring us closer as friends although it’s not going to turn into like, a hot and heavy relationship. But it cleared the air and made me feel a lot better. Also I feel like emotionally I have some space in my heart again in case I meet someone available. PLUS now this person and I can work together and I don’t have this distractible thought in my head.

My video game needs more work, but when I come back I can go sit with these people who are running this program and they will help me with coding stuff, so that’s some happy news. I think once that gets figured out, this game is nearly done. I just need to do some graphics for the opening, the middle, and the end, when it says what is going on. It won’t be that hard I just need to link them up.

I’ve learned a lot this year, I have more skills with GIMP (because I can’t figure out pirating Photoshop anymore since they did Creative Cloud). Did I say pirating? I meant, um, gluestick-sticking paper together.

Also since the Female Eye Film Festival Script Development program, I got some script notes the other day on Evil Fire and she gave me really constructive criticism. And I may be working on that this Fall/Winter so it was very timely and gave me a lot to think about and try to problem solve.

Ahhh I have mostly talked about my career here!

The dogs and I found a ride for Sunday. So that’s when they go to the sitter. I’m gonna miss them so much, they are my buddies. They keep me from turning too inward, because I always have to attend their needs and sometimes they interrupt me for attention, which some people find annoying but I like. Little Mister is getting old. He doesn’t like walking as fast as Posey, and I have to figure out what to do because she pulls. I think I might have to just make her walk slower. But at their dog sitter this next week they will have a fenced yard, which is good because Posey loves to run, and she can’t run on her leash.

So really, even though I worried about it all summer (so far) my projects are on track and almost on time, and I just have a couple things I still have to figure out how to make room for. And while I have been very poor, I also was able to work on my stuff almost full time this last year and eeked by. And it looks like if the stars align I will be getting paid for being a writer/artist/filmmaker this next couple of seasons (IF stars align!). I have OAC and CC grants to apply for this fall, and BravoFACT might have another deadline. Also I will find out about that Indigenous Art Award in the next year, which could be $10,000 that I can spend however I like because it’s not tied to a project. I was thinking of getting braces or a retainer. When else am I gonna have that kind of cash? Oh and probably go on vacation somewhere.

Or I could just stay poor. BUT you never know!

Artistic and Emotional Progress

I wrote a good ten pages today, and they were making me laugh (and this script is a comedy so that’s a good sign!). I had fun. I’ve been feeling super productive lately, and this means in 21 more pages I will have a full first draft done. Then I go to Berlin, get time away from it, do my Entzaubert workshop and my video screening, and then come back and do some more work on it and get it to Canada Council 1 month later than intended but still pretty on time and hopefully with enough time to apply for my next grant.

I have a Toronto Art Council grant due, but that’s still gonna be late. Maybe this fall I can do it!

It looks like this film business stuff is going into motion, but it’s a meeting away and there’s still some other hoops of funding to go through, BUT if something happens I will of course finally mention it here more openly.

OMG BUT there was some exciting personal stuff that happened where I told someone my feelings and it was actually really cool and friendly and I think it will bring us closer as friends although it’s not going to turn into like, a hot and heavy relationship. But it cleared the air and made me feel a lot better. Also I feel like emotionally I have some space in my heart again in case I meet someone available. PLUS now this person and I can work together and I don’t have this distractible thought in my head.

My video game needs more work, but when I come back I can go sit with these people who are running this program and they will help me with coding stuff, so that’s some happy news. I think once that gets figured out, this game is nearly done. I just need to do some graphics for the opening, the middle, and the end, when it says what is going on. It won’t be that hard I just need to link them up.

I’ve learned a lot this year, I have more skills with GIMP (because I can’t figure out pirating Photoshop anymore since they did Creative Cloud). Did I say pirating? I meant, um, gluestick-sticking paper together.

Also since the Female Eye Film Festival Script Development program, I got some script notes the other day on Evil Fire and she gave me really constructive criticism. And I may be working on that this Fall/Winter so it was very timely and gave me a lot to think about and try to problem solve.

Ahhh I have mostly talked about my career here!

The dogs and I found a ride for Sunday. So that’s when they go to the sitter. I’m gonna miss them so much, they are my buddies. They keep me from turning too inward, because I always have to attend their needs and sometimes they interrupt me for attention, which some people find annoying but I like. Little Mister is getting old. He doesn’t like walking as fast as Posey, and I have to figure out what to do because she pulls. I think I might have to just make her walk slower. But at their dog sitter this next week they will have a fenced yard, which is good because Posey loves to run, and she can’t run on her leash.

So really, even though I worried about it all summer (so far) my projects are on track and almost on time, and I just have a couple things I still have to figure out how to make room for. And while I have been very poor, I also was able to work on my stuff almost full time this last year and eeked by. And it looks like if the stars align I will be getting paid for being a writer/artist/filmmaker this next couple of seasons (IF stars align!). I have OAC and CC grants to apply for this fall, and BravoFACT might have another deadline. Also I will find out about that Indigenous Art Award in the next year, which could be $10,000 that I can spend however I like because it’s not tied to a project. I was thinking of getting braces or a retainer. When else am I gonna have that kind of cash? Oh and probably go on vacation somewhere.

Or I could just stay poor. BUT you never know!

Nobody likes a Vagueblogger!

In a week I’m gonna be in Berlin! I’m pretty excited about it. I have a plane ticket, it wasn’t AWFUL, it was more than I budgeted for but it’s gonna be ok!

I have a dog sitter, but my ride there fell through, so now I need to get that straightened out. I have until Sunday to figure it out! Monday the dogs go and Tuesday I go, so time is ticking.

I have been having meetings, business-y meetings, and they are pretty exciting but nothing is definite yet. So I hopefully will know by the end of the week if things get the go ahead to tentatively go into motion. It’s pretty exciting. I’d love to blab more about it but I don’t want to jinx myself.

I just started a new script today for a short I want to make that might get me more directing cred. I’m hoping to apply for an OAC grant for it.

My video game is due August 18th, so the countdown is on. I need coding help, and to make a few more assets. But aside from that it’s on track I think. I need to figure out a few logic problems to how the game is going to go though.

I don’t even know why I’m writing a blog. Half the things going on in my brain or life aren’t even ready to be revealed yet. I got really into spilling my guts here, but things like romance, business, family issues, etc. can’t really be mentioned until things are more advanced or happening or official or whatever. So I feel like I come here all excited to post and then end up talking about Cinnabon!

But yeah! Berlin! 😀 I can talk about that! It’s happening soon! 😀 I’ve got myself almost all ready! It’s hard to believe I’m gonna be there soon! I haven’t been since 2012.

Anyway. BLAH! This meme currently represents my life:

Futch Living, Gender Shifting

This neighborhood would be perfect if there was a 24/7 Cinnabon within walking distance. Not all the way at fuckin’ Eglinton Station!

Anyway.

I started a Patreon! You can find the link at my $upport this Arti$t page here, OR HERE. Go support me if you have the disposable income and inclination! I’m taking donations monthly and have lots of rewards!

I’m sleepy. Fuck why am I writing a blog post at 1am? It’s the worst idea.

OH RIGHTZ!

Because I had a weird day with my gender today.

First of all, I hadn’t shaved my legs since 2007. Then this past spring for whatever reason I got into it again. I was shaving once a week and I only had one razor and I was poor so I hung onto it for a long time. Then finally I came into some money so I went to Shoppers today and got two super girly nailpolishes and some refillable razors and the refills. And it came up to A CRAZY AMOUNT OF MONEY! Like, way more than I had expected. I could have bought so much Indian food instead.

BUT at the same time I had wanted them for a long time, so I sucked it up and came home and was putting on this pale pink nail polish and I had to do about three or four coats to get it looking like anything.

And as I was doing this I was realizing my gender presentation is shifting from what I thought was a pretty solid butch to more futch. Like I really don’t want to go buy dresses or grow my hair or do dramatic femme stuff, but I’ve been teetering towards the middle of the spectrum for a while now and it’s been interesting. It actually pretty accurately represents my gender because I feel like I’ve been going back and forth between man and woman for a while now but I don’t think I’m ever gonna put real roots down in one or the other. But it’s just interesting to be adding more femmey aspects to myself over the last few years and seeing how that changes how I see myself. Like I still feel masculine a lot of the time, but now I have more pink in my wardrobe and do a couple of more femme-identified things like shave my legs and paint my nails.

I don’t have a good name for myself. I feel like whatever I am I want to actualize it, and I guess I am. I don’t know how far I want to go. Being between binaries is a funny way to live.

I have this butch dragon on my right arm, and these super femme flowers on my left, and I think it’s pretty much just me trying to find some kind of balance in my life. And also at the same time I have to accept that being more gender fluid means things will shift probably a few more times in my lifetime. Maybe when I am 50 I will go through a stone butch thing. Ha ha ha probably not I really like being penetrated.

BUT YOU NEVER KNOW!

OMG I can’t believe I am almost 40. I’m looking forward to it. It’s just longer than I expected to live, because you know, depression. But it’s awesome. I am looking forward to growing old.

Maybe my 40’s will be my personal Futch renaissance.

Or maybe that is my late 30’s. I mean, I am only 38.

Plan A, B, C, D, and on it goes!

I am trying to get to Berlin, and it’s not far away. I haven’t heard back from Canada Council yet and realistically I probably won’t hear back until I get home. I applied for myself an a personal attendant to go with me, but we have half the funds right now (until the travel grant goes through and I pay Mom back) and the OTHER half is looking less and less likely to get even tho I will probably get the whole travel grant EVENTUALLY. So Mom has proposed plan B (although realistically it’s more like Plan F or G or H or something) where she lends me the 1500 and I go there alone and contact Canada Council and tell them I am not taking a personal attendant this time. Which would be fine, because I DO have a lot of friends in Berlin and I have been there numerous times and so I know the city and transit and basic stuff like that. So I wouldn’t be like, terrified to be there alone. It’s just kind of a bummer tho.

But the other hard part is finding a dog sitter for these dogs. I thought I had one but it fell through, so then I got in touch with their other sitter but she’s booked. Their OTHER sitter lives in Port Dover, which is a two hour car ride away through a few towns, BUT she’s cheaper than the kennels around here and Posey and her love each other. I am waiting to hear back about that and THEN I have to see if I can find someone willing to drive for four hours twice. There is another possibility but I think she doesn’t want to stay somewhere without air conditioning and I am poor and not about to go out and spend money I don’t have to buy an air conditioner. So it’s looking pretty dicey.

I love my dogs, I don’t want to ever get rid of them, but damn it’s hard doing art stuff out of town and organizing and paying for their sitters. Usually it basically takes up my whole artist fee anyway to pay for a dog sitter. I’m hoping I can get someone for $50 a day, because I really can’t afford much more than that. It’s not even like I go travelling very often.

Anyway that’s the Berlin update.

I cried in therapy today because I want a family and a bigger place for them with obviously a partner and it seems SO far away right now and I’m tired of it. And my therapist was really good and helped me come up with like, a five year plan to get to where I want to be in life. So I felt better. But really I think this grief about Grandpa is super fuelling this sadness about not being where I want to be in life. I mean, I guess things are looking up, I may be getting this feature film off the ground soon, which has been a goal of mine since I was like, 25. And I would have done it too if it wasn’t for this meddling Bipolar Disorder!!! *shakes fist* Oh and the woman thing.

I don’t know what it must be like to live with privilege and be told everything you do is amazing. That must be a sweet life.

Anyway, I have my dogs. They make me happy, even when they are preventing me from going overseas to do art things. I mean, maybe not AS HAPPY when that happens, but yeah, I mean, when I have kids this whole thing will happen again, just MORE INTENSE because who is gonna stay with the kids? When my Mom had to go somewhere Grandma came and looked after us, but my Mom lives two provinces away and isn’t gonna be able to come stay with my kids.

OMG fucking stress! I guess that’s why I want a partner.

See and this is why I hate having anxiety, I totally want to know HOW IS IT GONNA GO DOWN every time something new happens in my life. Where will the tickets be? Who do I have to talk to? What do they look like? Where is the ramp or stairs? Do I need ID? What forms do I need to bring? Can someone just take my arm and show me where everything is? Why aren’t there nametags at this shindig? Do I use this persons obviously fake facebook name to refer to them or are they going to laugh in my face and tell me “Bitch my name is Anne!”????

I did see that psychic in February or whatever (on the four year anniversary of seeing her TO THE DAY!) and she told me things about my future that seemed promising, but she didn’t give me certain specifics (I’m assuming because spirit can only speak in general terms) and dammit, I guess I wish I had like, a more clear timeline. Like could my next girlfriend be THE ONE if I do specific things, or is it just going to be an intensely powerful love that shatters my heart? OMG I need specifics!

But I know that’s not how the future works.

By the way there is this super WEIRD NOISE in my apartment right now and I have no idea what it is. It sounds like a dog breathing BUT also kind of metallic and fuck maybe I should just go sleep.

Sweating all dayyyyyyy!

There’s a heatwave here. Like, so hot. SO HOT!

I went to Vancouver for the Queer Arts Festival, which was AWESOME and Paul Wong was the moderator of the roundtable I was on and asked some really tough questions I had to think about. AND called me a Video Art Superstar which was SO flattering especially coming from him! So it was good! And I saw old friends and a friend who has moved away from Toronto and had good times.

It was my first time being there as a sober person, so that was interesting, but also my friends weren’t heavy drinkers anyway so it was fine.

OMG I wrote this last night and never bothered finishing because I got distracted by a Kat Blaque live feed on fb.

And then I think I sweated and went to sleep.

And I woke up this morning and had a cool bath and felt human again.

And that was three hours ago and I went and did some errands getting toilet paper and medication and treats and NOW I am all sweaty/sticky again.

OMG so yesterday was GST day and I got not one but TWO Cinnabons and it was so good!

Ugh some little girl dog squeezed an anal gland around here and it REEKS! 🙁 Grosssssssss!

ANYWAY (later in the night, again!) I have been trying to make grown up plans today.

This kid thing is still nagging at me. I don’t want to have a kid alone tho, but I am exploring potential options. And there was an article today about how a foster agency in Ontario is doing placements of LGBTQ youth with LGBTQ affirming families/caregivers. So I went to their site and bookmarked it and am thinking when the time comes to start a family, or open up my life/my partner’s life to caring for a dependent, to possibly explore that route. Because ever since I was a teenager I thought how awesome it would be to be a foster parent for an LGBTQ youth. So many of our youth end up street involved through familial rejection and abusive homes and stuff, it would be a really good thing to provide some maternal love to someone who might not get positive interactions in the regular foster care system either.

And then I saw an ad that let me find out my credit score, which I found out isn’t that bad, it’s considered fair, and I am in the right range to be considered a low risk to be approved for a mortgage (but obviously I need a job to manage one!).

So I was doing all this grown up daydreaming. But I mean really the things I need RIGHT NOW is a partner and a job. It’s all very well to dream of mortgages and LGBTQ kids, but considering I don’t want to HAVE kids alone, I need to have someone fall in love with me (and love them back) first before all that can happen. AND I need a job before I go condo hunting. AND I need a place with at least two bedrooms before I go looking for someone to foster or adopt or sperm for my future partner’s eggs. IT’S SO COMPLICATED!

But really, honestly, I just need a job first. I worked last weekend shooting some video, which was a good gig, but not an ongoing one and I need to do something that brings in more money over a longer time. There’s some sessional jobs at OCADU I was thinking of applying for, for the fall and winter. I have applied there at least twice before but never got an interview. BUT I guess I will apply again. All the sessional jobs are asking for people with PhD’s or working towards their PhD’s but honestly I know of people who do not have PhD’s working in these departments so I know it’s not NECESSARY it’s just what everyone is asking for now since there are so many masters out there.

BLAHHHHHH!

So this weekend I am gonna work on that job application. And I am gonna work on this video game for the rest of the week. And my script. Because I gotta get that shit DONE yo!

But really I wish I was going on dates and making out with someone in their car or something. I have been having so many naughty day dreams about sexy times and it’s a little distracting, although good to know that my sex drive is normal (because sometimes it isn’t! Which is related to meds! But this med I am on is good!)!! I mean, everything works. Yay.