Monthly Archives: November 2011

Weirdo! I’m a weirdo! :O

So Deanna hasn’t posted anything on facebook in a while. And I don’t really know where she is. It’s kind of a concern, although last night someone saw her at a rally. So she’s sort of AWOL. I don’t know what’s up. Le sigh!

Last night I had this intensely emotional dream, in a good way. And I woke up and was all goofy and smiley for a while. And then I remembered none of it was real and was disappointed. But I got over it. I like being entertained while I am sleeping.

I went to Partner’s In Employment because it’s a condition of me being on Welfare, and they offered to let me do a Vocational Evaluation which takes about two weeks and will tell me what jobs I am suited for. It’s in January – February. Until then I am just going to hang on and keep poking around for jobs of some sort. Or freelance creative various things. We’ll see. I still have to make this super 8 film too!

I can’t think properly at this hour or with this much alcohol in me.

It is weird being in love with someone who loves me back but doesn’t want to be with me. I always thought love was enough, but it’s NOT! :O Once my mom told me about how she used to ask the universe to bring her a man to fall in love with but they would turn out to have some glaring issue like being married technically or being gay all the way or other things and eventually she gave up asking the universe to bring her a man to love because it was like the universe was finding every loophole to sabotage it. That’s how I feel! Oh man. You have to be so specific when you ask the universe for something.

I’m a weirdo. That’s probably the problem! Also I smoke, which is another problem. But really truly I am going to quit for good soon. I did a whole month recently, like in September or something.

I should go to bed. Maybe I will have another nice dream.

Pre-Occupied

One day I hadn’t heard from my cousin Deanna for a couple days, maybe less even, and I commented on a mutual friend’s post about not wanting to die on Hastings. And I just said something like “Me neither.” And then Deanna posted on it “Yeah I am in Van and I totally avoid that area.” And I was like WTF???? Because she hadn’t said goodbye or anything. I thought it was a joke.

But no, she spent her last dollars on a bus ticket and is now living at Occupy Vancouver!!!! :O

That’s really far away! She did say if she got the chance she was going to be in Vancouver, so I guess that is what she did. It seems crazy! Everyone is worried because Occupy Vancouver has a 2pm deadline tomorrow to get out “or else!” Well, I don’t think they said “or else” but it was implied, and they’re going to throw their stuff away. And do I don’t know what with the people.

So here I am, powerless in Saskatoon while Deanna goes off to save the world. I could point her to some people in Vancouver who know how to live on next to nothing there and where the free food is, but she is all about the movement right now. I’m just worried it will totally disperse and she’ll be homeless in Vancouver, which is way more of a fuck show than being homeless in Saskatoon, where she knows a lot of people. And call me crazy but all the chanting in all the occupy videos remind me of that film we watched on cults in high school where the fresh faced hero gets brainwashed to the shouts of “Juicyfruit, juicyfruit! Rah rah rah!” I have mixed feelings about Occupy.

So you can call me PreOccupied.

She will probably be fine, she hates when people worry. And who knows, maybe she will end up in a Vancouver jail cell with drag marks on her legs. Or maybe the people will prevail and it will all be a heartwarming scene with heroic Occupiers waving their fists in front of the VAG, free to live another night on the front lawn.

Occupy the VAG!!!

Hopefully she will be fine and have some crazy adventure story to tell her children, when she has some. And it’s true I know people who have up and moved to Vancouver and made it work. It’s not entirely out of the realm of possibility that she will land on her feet. She’s been fed for free this far! And she’s been there a while now.

I guess the grim underbelly of Vancouver is what I worry about, it’s so ridiculously expensive to live there and the occupations that will allow you to live reasonably decently there are sketchy. And plus all the free food places are in sketched out neighborhoods. I dunno. But what do I know, it’s been five years since I’ve lived in Vancouver, six almost, and it has changed a lot in the meantime. Maybe there’s a magical Quatchi’s Inn where poor people can go to eat and sleep and smoke weed in their bedrooms for no money. Well whatever. And now I am going to be in trouble for writing a worrywart blog post.

I just don’t want to have to fly out to Vancouver and put up posters of her. But I have felt that about all my native girl cousins who live in BC. It’s just not a good place to be a Native woman, considering how many go missing there. But yes, I lived there, and only had one really dodgy night with some crazy old punk and his roommate he was kicking out who had pitbulls. Oh yeah, and that one old lady who called me a pedophile in the street because she mistook me for someone else. Okay, and that guy with the blood on him who said “Canada~!” at me and shook his bloody nose on my shirt. That was sketchy too.

But there are also lots of good people in Vancouver. It’s just a big city with big city problems. But Deanna has never lived in a big city before. But neither did I before I was 18. And she’s way older than I was when I moved there.

Ha ha, listen to me be an old fuddy duddy! We’ll just have to see what happens tomorrow at 2pm.

8621 words and HOLDING! Damn . . .

Life got in the way of me continuing to write. First I had five days of drinking in a row, and I am not sure how I did that but I managed and felt pretty gross after. Such a binge! And I didn’t even mean to binge, it’s just people kept inviting me out or else I was home drinking with my cousin or else there was wine with dinner. Either way, it made me feel like a deficient writer because everyone was like “You can’t write when you are drunk!” Although I kind of think I have in the past.

So whatever, I drank and didn’t write and now I have taken a couple days off but got a six pack and now I am writing again. And tipsy. AND I DON’T CARE!

Ha ha, no, I probably do care I just don’t want to talk about it.

You know something I realized about my marijuana use is that I do use it medically pretty much. I know all these people say marijuana is bad for crazy people, but there is also some pretty good research that indicates some active parts of marijuana help people with bipolar disorder. And although SOME people don’t handle marijuana well mentally, SOME people also don’t tolerate the same psychiatric medication I am on, for whatever reason. It’s like all psych type meds, not effective for everyone but for some it’s really good.

I dunno. I just know I am not grouchy when I have it and I feel a bit more even. And for someone with a mood disorder, “even” is a great state to be in. Not all teetertotery and shit.

I did hear about a doctor who will actually prescribe medical marijuana in this area, which surprised me because so few will. I’m still waiting to hear the results of the study Cannibinoids in Bipolar Affective Disorder so I can take it with me and say “See!” Or not take it.

WHat else? I am getting used to this multigenerational extended family household. Currently I live with my Mom, my Cousin Steven, and half time his son Kristjan. It’s a pretty full house! It’s been strange adjusting, but I have lived with Steven and Mom before, after Steven got assaulted in this fucked up house he was living in where there was a weed whacker murder in the garage!

Oh man, I totally walked away and got distracted.

8014 words!

It’s an hour after the end of November 6th and I have surpassed my goal of getting 7000 words done, I am now sitting at a comfortable 8014 words. Still behind the daily goals, I didn’t write at all for a few days because I didn’t know what to write, and then I wrote over five thousand words yesterday. I stayed up until five in the morning doing it and totally fucked myself over because at Noon we had to go out and finish dropping off Judy Junor’s leaflets. We also did some Data Entry at the Campaign Office this afternoon, and then we had dinner with my cousin and her boyfriend and visited for a bit, so I had a really late start on my writing. But I made it! 😀 I am going to work really hard on getting it all out.

I’ve decided to write about my lived experiences with Bipolar. I went to a coffeeshop on Saturday afternoon and wrote for a few hours and then came home and typed it up. I had just typed in the last word when my foot hit the power bar and it shut the computer down. What followed was some loud swearing and frantic messing about trying to get the computer to work. The computer was being really slow starting up because it had been turned off so rudely. It kept freezing at the login screen and making me anguished. I had written three pages! Nooooo! I didn’t want to spend an hour retyping the whole thing again. But lucky for me the auto recovery worked and I only had to retype the last paragraph.

I’m behind in where I should be, I should have finished 10,002 words today to be on target for getting 50,000 by the end of the month. But I can do some more marathon writing sessions. I wrote about when I got my heart broken and made myself cry. Which is funny, because I cry so rarely. It was cathartic I think. It was a silent cry, tears streaming down my face as I tickety tacked typed. It was good, even though it gave me a big lump in my throat.

I’m excited to be writing, although I know it’s all jumbled up and will need some revisions once the month is up. I’ve never tackled such a huge goal in such a short time. I’ve got sixteen pages now, although it is divided up into chapters so a couple pages only have one paragraph on them.

Tonight I was standing outside smoking and thinking and remembered that I am (if all goes according to plan) going to Australia and Germany next spring and summer respectively. BIG TRIPS! I have never been to Australia before, and I am pretty excited. This blog is one of the things that is going to be featured as part of the reason I am out there, along with some videos. I’ve never had anyone want to show my blog as a valid art project. I’m curious how it will be received.

Oh man my back aches, I am not sitting right when I write, I write all hunched over and fuck myself over. I need to practice better writing posture, more relaxed writing posture.

I need to fall in love again, with someone new who is actually a possibility. I’m tired of being in love with someone who doesn’t want to be with me, even if she does love me. I will always love her, but I need a more active love, someone who wants to have sex and live together and get married and have back rubs and who I can take care of and who will take care of me until we are both dead and cremated. I’d like to have a girlfriend I can introduce to my grandparents, because they are in their 90’s and on the way out and I really want them to meet a sweetheart of mine. They never have met any of my other lovers.

I’m thinking of doing Script Frenzy in April, where you write a script all month, it’s an offshoot of NaNoWriMo. Although I might be in Australia for a couple of weeks then and spending time in another country writing doesn’t appeal to me when I could be doing a bunch of other things. They also have a challenge where they invite you to tackle a big life goal over the course of a year. I am thinking of giving that a shot, but I have no ideas what I want to do.

New Bed Day

I’ve been babbling about it since yesterday on Facebook when we went and bought MY NEW BED!!!! It’s queen sized and has a bamboo fibre pillowtop and it’s so cozy. BUT when they delivered it today they couldn’t get the boxspring down the stairs. So tomorrow they are delivering a split boxspring. I hope it’s still comfy. This is the first time I have gotten a bed with a boxspring. BOXSPRING!

I have stalled altogether on my Novella. I don’t know what to write. And I did so well that first day, even though I didn’t meet the minimum number of words I need to write. I was going to write a satire on the new common experience of adults going back to live with their parents in these wintery economic times. But I don’t know how to make it interesting. I kind of just wrote it like it was about me exactly, right down to the mice eating my popcorn.

I just discovered the wonders of Zinc Oxide on a burning butt! I kept going to the bathroom and it was BURNING! So I got saved by Zinc Oxide and Pepto Bismol! Ta Da!

Home remedies are great.

I went to see my psychiatrist today, the wonderous Dr. Conacher, and found out I have lost even more weight. I am down to 187.2 pounds! That’s amazing! I am starting to be able to take off my size 14s without undoing the zipper or button. Which does worry me because I don’t want to go out and buy all new jeans again. I’d like to stay at this weight, and be the girl with the little round tummy. Anyway, Dr. Conacher thinks I am doing so well that I don’t need to see her again until April! 😀 BUT I have to get my bloodwork done, so they know I am not being poisoned by my Epival. And that I haven’t developed diabetes from my antipsychotic.

A girl told me I was cute last Friday when I went out, but of course I was drunk and stupid and just stammered. I don’t know what to do when girls think I am cute! I mean, I know what to do eventually when they take me to bed, but getting there is really really hard for me! I just stammer and twiddle my toe in the dust. I wish I didn’t come off so standoffish. I need to practice asking girls out.

I did try asking girls out on Plenty Of Fish, or just making conversation anyway, but no one replied to my messages. REJECTED! Maybe I should put up a photo of myself that doesn’t have fangs in it. I just wanted to show off my goofy side!

I am so excited to sleep on the top half of my new bed! I hope Hermione doesn’t pee on it, she was very excited to jump about on it and we played “I’m gonna get you!” and she did that cute backwards jump several times. I love dogs. I just don’t like it when they pee on my bed. Especially NOT A NEW BED! :O

Mmmmmm, new mattress! So cozy! I’m excited. I have wanted a real grown up persons bed for a long time. I was fine with futons, but I yearned for more. Maybe I will ask a girl out soon and actually get a girlfriend who will come over for sleepovers! 😀

NaNoWriMo

I’ve been tossing around the idea of writing a book for a while now. I like writing, and maybe I could make a few cents off my royalties from the few people who would buy it. Maybe I will write a best seller. I think I need to write about a murder to get a best seller though, they seem to be crime books that end up on that list. I don’t really want to write about murder though. Bleh!

I decided to participate this year in NaNoWriMo, also known in long form as National Novel Writing Month. Every November people from all over the world commit to writing 50,000 words of a novel in 30 days. That is approximately 1666 words a day, or three pages. THREE PAGES! Single spaced! It’s kind of hard for me. So far. Also my cousin Deanna came over yesterday and parked herself on the computer during prime writing time so I didn’t finish up what I had planned. I made it to 992 words. So far short of 1666 words! Three pages a day equals 21 pages a week! :O

It was kind of a whim. I might give up halfway, but it’s a good challenge. It will at least make me think, which might help my other challenge which is to make a Super 8 film, in Colour! 😀 By January! :O It’s like an assignment. I have to think of something to do with it. So far writing has not given me any ideas. Which is too bad.

That Elephant who was friends with a dog lost her friend, Bella the dog died of a coyote attack. The poor Elephant, they mourn like humans. They even cry when they are sad. Elephants break my heart, the world is so hard on them.

My cousin has started living with us, because of his relationship teetering on breaking up and so forth. So now we have him, and his kid sometimes, and it is going well so far except for the night I gave him some E and he bothered me for half an hour for a cigarette or more E. Sigh! I have quit smoking again, just because I am tired of giving him cigarettes and not having any is the easiest way to get around it. He can buy his own cigarettes. We’re building a suite for him in the basement and in the meantime he is living in Sky’s room. Soon to be moving to the room I am in now, the computer room. And the computer room will be in a smaller room. One whole house and there are very few available rooms left. And the basement has no more carpet.

This morning Kristjan, the little boy, woke up at 5:30. Hola!

Anyway, now I am off to run errands, I think I am going to work on my novel when I get back. So far I want to write a parody of living with my mom at the age of 33. can it be interesting at all?