I haven’t been partying really hard very recently, but last night I went out armed with a bag of cinnomin hearts and a wallet with cash, and by the end of the night I had done several queer things, like sitting in the new gay bar watching my friends dance, and some beer and red bull and vodka, and then it was five in the morning at another friend’s house! And we talked about oppression in the parking lot. Not as in “oppression which happens in parking lots” but just a conversation about general oppression and privilege while we sat in the parking lot.
I reminded me of my politicized youth getting drunk on gin and tonics looking for a cutie and somehow always spending money at fundraising events for political causes because if you want a serious girlfriend she had better have the same politics as you!
Gosh that was a long sentence! I’m sorry, I should be a better writer by now.
Actually I do have something serious I want to talk about. This blog. It’s so much a part of me now, and I feel safe here because Blogger has never censored me. BUT this blog as a long term committed art practice has had various unintended consequences on me. Some relating to employability. It’s actually an unintended consequence of my entire art practice. I talk about identity issues and health issues and that sends up red flags for those employers who are googling potential hires. They can easily discriminate against me based on those issues without ever being caught. And people are usually pretty quiet here when they read, so only my site meter gives me any indication of my traffic. I know when I was crazy there was one hit from the White House, which really fueled my paranoia for a while there, like OMG! It’s all true we’re being watched and George W. Bush is gonna kill me for writing Fit of Pique! When the reality is probably some lesbian intern was reading queer blogs on her coffee break or something equally innocuous. I get creeped out seeing military hits on my blog too, from various countries. Or the Unknown Country. There really is such a place! Swear to mofo gawd! I don’t know who the Unknown Country is, I talked about it in one of my blogs. It is anyone who doesn’t want to be seen or known. I’m actually really curious about the Unknown Country folk myself.
Anyway, the Unknown Country was visiting me A LOT in 2007 when I had my manic episode. I don’t see it as often now, but it still pops up.
Sometimes I like to see visitors come back over and over. There was one from Weyburn I think who visited me for a year.
When I was blogging from Vancouver I think my only reader there was Stephanie, and I would remember her isp and whenever I got a reader from Vancouver I would check and it was almost always Stephanie. Nobody cared for my hard luck Bad Manors blog! One potato and an infestation of mice, who cares? They ate all my popcorn!!!! How can you eat a meal when all you have is one potato?
Which brings me to my next point. When people say “Well why didn’t you cut off your internet so you could buy a bag of groceries?” (actually no one has ever said this to me but if any CBC or Globe and Mail commentors find me one will ask) I say “Sometimes when you have to get someone to call the police and the walls are too thin and the incident is happening next to the pay phone, it’s nice to be able to find an online friend in a different building in town to call for you!”
Anyway, this blog has both kept me sane and documented my insanity. I am not quitting. I think I am in far too deep to walk away now. I go through slow periods, but I always end up coming back. I am doing a self employment program right now, which will hopefully get me earning a decent living without having to worry about a big boss googling me.
But I do have to start reframing for myself my commitment to this blog and my intent of this blog.
So what did I want to prove by writing a blog for 7 years??? Longer if you count my previous secret online diaries, which were basically blogs for closed audiences. I wanted to document my life and emotions about my life. And I also talked about issues I cared about or maybe didn’t care about. But mostly it was an experiment to write really honestly about my life like I would in a diary to my friends. Although my readers can’t all be my friends, I’m sure. I don’t know what happened. I wasn’t planning to get rich by blogging. I wasn’t planning on becoming a celebrity or anything. I just wanted a place to write really. I like that I can be published as soon as I finish writing and get feedback. Although this audience sometimes feels like one hand clapping, I haven’t gotten comments very often for much of this blog. Maybe everyone is scared??? Maybe the Unknown Country is a silent country.
Actually I don’t think the Unknown Country folks are silent at all. I secretly think they are all the anarchists and freaks and dissidents and warriors of some great change that is going to spread across the world. That’s why I love the Unknown Country.
But also they could just be celebrities in Hollywood.
So yes I am going to write here, I just wanted to explain what is going on with my writing a pretty revealing blog for seven years. It’s been an interesting experience. I am deciding that I can continue this experiment. I don’t know if it will leave me destitute or if it will actually make me money one day, or fame, or that big movie contract or whatever. I have a feeling it will go one way or the other right now. It really has to do with what’s going to happen in the next few years around the globe. Either being a fat disabled butch lesbian halfbreed will be acceptable or it will not be. Right now I have to say, people don’t accept me for those reasons. Not YOU personally, well maybe you, but various mainstream deciding people. Those fucking THEMS!
I sure hope revolution is contagious.