Happiness is a warm Nun
Today mom blackmailed me into cleaning by saying she was going to take pictures of my apartment and post them on facebook!!! OMG! I was so shocked! I have been cleaning on and off ever since, it’s actually coming along really well. I even did most of the dishes.
I’m pretty happy these days, I guess the meds are working. I’ve had a couple rough days after I forgot to take my meds, but now I’m back on them and doing well. My cousin Jenny is sleeping over on the couch. We were goofing around in my apartment all night, she played this word game with me that was really racy because we are pervs. She’s looked in every book of mine that has pictures, mostly comics but also some naughtiness! :O
I need new naughtiness.
I’m glad I’m not one of those anti-porn feminists, because boy oh boy has porn been nice to me! I was in some directed by the lovely Dayna McLeod in Montreal. We were all horny in a women’s studies class. When I think about it my feminist art class at ECIAD (*now ECUAD) had some hot girls in it. My Mommy’s best friend taught it though and I couldn’t step out of line or she would say something about my dykeling years to embarrass me.
When I came out she gave me a dozen red roses to celebrate my being a lesbian. My mom’s friends were so cool with it! They just accepted me and that was that It was such a non-issue in my family. I was told the worst thing I could ever do was become a Catholic.
Well, I guess I may as well talk about a serious issue for a moment.
My mom is a sessional at FNUC’s Saskatoon Campus. She’s been working there ever since I was a little kid, it was called SIFC for a while. She’s been there well over 25 years. And right now, FNUC is FUCKED!!! They had their provincial funding pulled because of all kinds of mismanagement, and then the federal funding was pulled. A LOT of shit was shaken up and Guy Lonechild of FSIN did a LOT of things that were needed to fix it up. BUT even after provincial funding was reinstated, the federal funding was still not in place. Chuck Strahl refused to give it back. Even though the board got depoliticized and some people lost their jobs and all kinds of things happened that they wanted. I mean, my god, now U of R is handling the money even. But it might be that the school will still go under. And so this is what my mother is living with, and going to work is getting demoralizing because no one knows what’s happening next. People are packing their offices just in case the doors are locked on April 1st, which is when the federal money runs out. They said they would support the university until the end of the semester, but the semester doesn’t end until April 20-something!!
So we’re all waiting, feeling the angst ramping up and wondering what will happen. And Mom has already been looking for other work. I feel so bad that she put almost her entire working life into an institution and now she might have to find a completely new career!!! It could mean she would have to sell her house. It could mean she has to go back to school. It could mean all kinds of things. I just want to see my mum doing what she loves until she retires with a nice pension. What sucks is her old job never even paid into a pension plan, just the regular CPP.
Most of my family has worked at FNUC, it’s a family institution. My Uncle John teaches there sometimes, Auntie Beth taught english and creative writing there, Grandpa taught Cree there, and my Uncle Doug would go in to work with the students in the journalism courses. And Mum’s been there for SO long! It seems sad to see that place go down. And I remember when it started going down too, five years ago when Morley Watson started all kinds of shit. People were being fired willy nilly. People were LEAVING because they didn’t want to be fired for stepping out of line. My mom got more and more depressed about it.
And now she’s really stressed out but is keeping her composure. I think she is anticipating the worst. 400 people will lose their jobs if FNUC closes it’s doors. It’s grim.
I’ve been having a lot of feelings about being Native these days. Just feelings of frustration at the level of RACISM within Canada, in particular towards Native people. I just think that’s so rude, to steal someone’s land and dehumanize them and then bitch about some treaties that people IGNORE ANYWAY!!!! I recently found out Indian Affairs won’t cover Seroquel anymore. In fact, they won’t cover anything that isn’t generic. Our treaty rights cover prescription drugs, but they keep chipping them back further and further. If they didn’t pay for my medications I would be spending about 300 bucks a month just on my looney-tune meds. I’m really scared of having to pay for them, that is a lot of cash and I can’t afford it, and I NEED them! I know what I’m like without me looney tune meds. LOONEY! ANd TUNEY! Go look in spring 2007 entries if you don’t know how looney and tuney I can get!!!
FEELING LIKE WRITING
Sorry for the all caps. My computer does that. Not my keyboard, I’ve tried other new keyboards. It’s some kind of computer issue. And if I was younger and felt a little more manic maybe I would actually spend a couple of days getting to the bottom of it. But it’s an old computer, and I want a new one, and I just got used to it’s weird all caps issue. But when people try to work on my computer they get really frustrated. It’s like that Ruth Rendell story where the house is a killer because it keeps making a window bang open and the couple have arguements about how to close it properly until one of them nearly kills the other. And a murder had already happened in that house over the issue!!!
I’m sorry for giving away that plot by the way. I guess I should write “SPOILER” or something.
That’s a great term by the way “Spoiler.” Drat you, you’ve spoiled me pop culture!
My mum’s really bad at spoiling movies to me. She told me how “the boy in the striped pyjamas” ended. Bad mommy. I Said she could spoil it, but maybe she could have ignored me and said nothing. I was going to see it anyway.
But were you REALLY going to read that particular Ruth Rendell story>>
Or was it Agatha Christie>>>
Agatha Christie’s collected novels sold just less that the Bible.
It’s LATE AT NIGHT and I am up
I am doing well still on handling my addiction. Still doing it in small doses on weekends, but not at all in the weekdays or on Sundays. And I haven’t bought ANY in a month!!! I still want to attend an NA meeting, I just feel sheepish that it’s something as “soft” as marijuana that brought me down. I have a LOT more energy now and am getting things done. I finished my video, wrote a grant for the Canada Council, and am spending more quality time with people who are important to me, without getting stoned. Okay, well on the weekends yes. But I spent time with one of my little cousins (who is also in recovery) this weekend while we were both sober from our drugs of choice and it was really nice and made me feel closer to her. My mind has expanded because I’m no longer always thinking about where I can go next to get a hit, I’m not always waiting for the dealer or feeling cravings and having no money. AND I am saving money! Well, I spend it, BUT not on drugs! 😀
Plus I am having some REALLY amazing dreams, some of them are a little disturbing. I kept dreaming about broken glass in my mouth and needles in my tits. THAT was weird. But now they have calmed down to just being these bizarre adventures. I wasn’t able to remember my dreams while I was a chronic pothead. And dreams are how your subconscious processes things. So how could I process>> I couldn’t!
In other news, work is ending soon because my contract is up at the end of the week. I will miss it, but I feel positive about it because if things go my way I will be on EI for a few months and then HOPEFULLY find out my grant was approved. And I will still volunteer at my old workplace sometimes. It was a really nice place to work and I hope Cansask still supports the employment program I was in there. I liked all of the people I worked with and it was amazing to be in a queer environment working for my community.
There’s some other sparkly happiness in my life but I don’t think I will talk about it here. I will just say that I am having a really fun time these days and am learning more about a side of myself I didn’t get to explore for about three years or so.
My puppy is doing well and my new kitty is still being a suckling pain in the neck because she HAS to be on me almost all the time. Although right now she is sleeping next to me on the floor. Whenever I go to bed she curls up next to my head and PURRS and PURRS and it’s really cute. I love her, little weirdo! She and Mister play chase sometimes, he hasn’t taught her how to wrestle yet, but I think it’s coming. There’s nothing a cat likes better after playing chase with a dog than to RABBIT KICK HIM! So hopefully she figures that out.
It’s spring time! They are making baby bunnies! I saw a baby bunny last time I was in the psych ward, it was in our courtyard and this woman brought me out to show me it eating our pansies. SOooo CUTE! My last girlfriend was terrified of bunnies. I don’t know why. She never visited me in the ward, which was maybe good because we were surrounded by brown bunnies.
And I would yell at them “Hausenfeffer!”
Elmer Fudd was always going to make Hausenfeffer.
I’m SLEEPY and I have to get up early and catch the bus. But I was just feeling happy and wanted to stay up late goofing around. I’ve been thinking about a lot of political issues affecting me these days, and I would like to write a sensible thought out blog about them, but not tonight. This blog changes it’s themes depending on my circumstances, and for the past year or so a lot of that was about admitting I had a problem and figuring out how to deal with it. It’s a little dodgy when you want to talk openly about addiction and your addiction is to something illegal. It doesn’t help to be quiet about it, because it is a struggle, but that illegal part makes it weird to speak about. Considering I no longer keep marijuana in the home, it’s a lot safer, but when I did I always felt like a fugitive.
I think maryjane isn’t the worst evil, BUT irregardless of what people say, it IS addictive, especially now that there are way stronger strains. AND it does sap one of motivation, energy, intellect (temporarily at least) and just that lovely clear headed-ness that is important for creative workers to have. I KNOW I KNOW that people say it makes you more creative, but I was never able to toy with a thought for long enough to really make something creative out of it while I was stoned.
Oh man, beddy-bye! A fruit fly addendum: THERE ARE still a FEW fruitflies, and I am being vigilent about it, BUT the hordes are gone!!! The traps are working and I just have to redo them and wipe out the remaining flies!
I have laid three traps in the most fruit fly infested areas of the house. This time I am DETERMINED to exterminate the whole LOT of them! I’ve had ENOUGH of fruit fly shenanigans! I don’t care anymore about their welfare, even though part of their foreplay involves cunnilingus!
The traps are made out of beer and pop bottles, with sugar, yeast, water, and dish soap inside. They are attracted by the sugar and yeast, and unable to escape because of the bubbles of the dish soap!
I successfully defeated the fruit fly hordes twice in Vancouver, once during the Garbage strike of 97 and another time soon after the 2 weeks of Okanagan peaches left out while I was in Saskatoon! They are nasty little buggers, but not as disgusting as food moths, which I also successfully exterminated!!
I am also successfully on the path to becoming a social pot smoker, meaning only on select Saturday or Friday nights, and then only with people. I’ve gone a week and a half without smoking ANYTHING! Well, except for the cigarettes. And I am even thinking about being a total non-smoker. No pot, AND no cigarettes. Just cut it right out.
It’s been a month of only Saturday use, and then no HUGE sessions either, just enough. And nothing this past weekend at all but booze. But my boozing days might be over too, because I’ve just been prescribed zopiclone for sleep and have to avoid alcohol. And I’d rather NOT be dead. I am a bit nervous, I haven’t taken a hypnotic since my Emily Carr days, when I was getting depressed and had to take something to get some sleep. I remember after I took my first pill it was about half an hour later and I said to the rat “This isn’t doing Anyt . . . h . . . i. . ..n zzzzzzzzz” OUT! But the next day I was all dopey and my ex-lover Velveeta said I looked drugged. My doctor said this one doesn’t leave you all groggy the next day, EXCEPT you have to be able to sleep for a solid 8 hours so it can wear off. Oh, but this is supposedly the same drug! When I got it, it was called Imovane. My other ex, Amber Dawn, used to sing “I’m leaving on Imovane, don’t know when I’ll be back again!” Either way, I have a bunch of them and can stick it somewhere for nights when I need a hypnotic\sedative to get me to sleep.
Yet ANOTHER drug. I have so many meds. I’m tired now, I don’t even know if I need it tonight, but I want to see how it helps me. It’s been hard sleeping since I quit pot. And the doctor says it will be a few months before I feel the full effect of not smoking up. Which is kind of why I’m tempted to quit for longer than just in between the Saturdays.
One notable thing is that my dreams have been REALLY engaging these days. Intense stories and really vivid. Not nightmares, but some are slightly disturbing.
Anyway, now my pill is kicking in, and I have to take my other meds before I am unconscious. Tomorrow I finally go back to work!! I have been sick ALL WEEK! BLeh!