Monthly Archives: May 2009

A ramble through the life of a non smoker who has bipolar disorder

Today marks the two week anniversary of quitting smoking. I am proud of myself! I think this is going to be the one. I have no desire to start up again either because I have gained valuable insight into what life is like to NOT smoke. The way my house smells nicer and all that. And then there is the expense. I saved $68.25. Well, not LITERALLY, I don’t have $68.25, but if I’d kept buying smokes that’s what I would have spent these last two weeks. Also according to my quit gadget, I have saved 1 day and 13 hours of my life by quitting.
Hey, my friend and cousin Deanna told me she read somewhere that there IS sex on the other side, but it’s 100 times better and way longer than sex on this side of whatever thing you cross when you die. And they consider it souls merging to become one on that side.
Which is kinda what I think it is on THIS side too.
I’m listening to Peaches new album I Feel Cream. It’s pretty good!
Fuck ya like a billionaire!
I’m doing pretty good. I was worried I would get depressed with my antidepressant going down, but I haven’t! And my sex drive is back even though I am still on my antidepressant. So THAT’s all good. I’m happy with that.
I have to do some writing for my video. I think I will do that today, it’s nearly 1pm and I haven’t been called in to work yet. It’s kinda nice just hanging out. But the whole point of being on call and working part time was so that I could work on my art practice more.
Which I’m NOT doing, I am so dicking around. I don’t know why, maybe I am waiting for inspiration to hit? That always happens to me. But I need to look over my footage again and really focus on it and turn it into something profoundly beautiful.
That’s hard to do when I am always on Facebook.
Today for the first time this summer I put on shorts. It felt so liberating when I found out I could still fit them.
Psych meds put on the pounds, I am telling you! And like, ALL of them do that. I think I was on one that didn’t and I went kind of crazy on it. I took two days of pills and then went cold turkey because it was too weird to be on. Wellbutrin. Also known as Zyban and used to quit smoking! It smells like rotting eggs. It’s disgusting stuff.
Anyway, I’m happy that I’m the same size as last summer, because I didn’t want to go out and buy all new shorts, like I’ve had to do for a few years now. It’s a little demoralizing.
I don’t mind being fat, but during the years I kept growing horizontally I just wanted it to quit already because of the clothing issues. Cute clothes one year wouldn’t fit the next, and so I learned to rely on t shirts a lot.
But t shirts are only cute for so long.
I am thinking of getting pierced again, but I have to save up money for it. I also have to save up money for a tattoo.
Two of my cousins are getting all tattooed up and it’s pretty cool to see. I think more of them have plans to get tattoos too.
Piercings and tattoos are so sexy. Except for sometimes. I mean, like some gory tattoo, that’s not very sexy to me.
My ex had tattoos of worms on her shoulder and they were all smudgy, I don’t think she liked them much. So far I don’t have tattoo regret. I need a couple touched up, but I wouldn’t change any of them.
My tattoo artist is working elsewhere, and I don’t know where she went. I am bereft. No Dr Saffy and no Rachel!

Death, Smoking, And Sex

One time I was watching a newscast about pizza in Italy with my friend/babysitter Jasmine Turner. I remember a reporter asked this Italian kid who invented pizza. He said “the Americans!” and got the back of his head slapped by a passing lady. Jasmine cracked up, so did I, it was so funny.
Jasmine is dead now, she committed suicide almost two years ago. The last time I talked to her I was still coming down from the crazies. I miss her everyday. I think she is in a better place, away from users and abusers. But I still wish she was here, and I know her children who are in foster care have been cheated out of getting to know their mom as adults. That is really hard.
I am lucky to have survived suicidal nights. I remember a few nights when I came so close to doing it, so much emotional suffering and bleakness. It’s like you can’t see the future. It’s so rank.
I haven’t been depressed in a very long time now, almost two years. Although I have been a little sad lately.
I think I know why. I have quit smoking. It has been ten days since my last smoke and I’m doing well, doing the patch everyday and enjoying being able to smell the spring air and not smelling like a yuckster AND not tasting foulness. I can actually taste good food again! It’s been quite liberating, but I notice I still have morning cravings if I forget to put my patch on.
But I miss smoking, I miss how it was always there for me. This idea (which I know is wrong) that I can relax with a smoke. That I can start the day with a smoke. It’s so addictive, and they say it’s harder to quit than heroin or cocaine!
I’ve been getting some good support about quitting, but the sadness comes in waves, especially when I realize I can’t EVER smoke again, because I will just get hooked again.
Which makes me think about my old addiction to meth, a very very long time ago, and back to Jasmine, who was the one who told my mum about it and tried to get me to stop. That wasn’t what made me stop. I was talking about it with a friend I met on the beach in Vancouver. I had just come off a binge and was dumped by Ivana, my best girlfriend. I was depressed and in danger of becoming dependent on meth. My friend must have noticed this because he then told me ALL about his addiction to meth and how he beat it, all these things it did to his body. I will always remember that talk on the beach. I never smoked it again.
Life is strange, so many things come and go, and death is an ever present force. I have lately lost some faith in what happens after death. I used to be so certain of an afterlife, and now I am not so sure. I haven’t seen or heard from Jasmine again, except in a dream. I also dreamt of another friend who has died, Carla Marie Powers. I dreamt she had a girlfriend on the other side!
I often worry about whether or not there will be sex on the other side. I’ve heard various opinions, some people say it’s a physical thing and then other people say it’s a spiritual thing so who knows???
The one thing I am looking forward to because of quitting smoking is that my dating options will widen to people seeking a non smoker. Hurrah! I am now officially a nonsmoker!
Well enough silly rambling. I will write more when I have something else I am thinking of.
Oh, and by the way Dr Saffy had her baby, a girl!

I miss you Dr Saffy!

My doctor has gone on Maternity Leave until September 2010. OH! So long without her! She’s my favorite doctor I have ever had and now she’s starting her family so no more feeling reassured by her bedside manner.
In fact, even though she is a GP she did come see me when I was in the hospital and stopped by my bed. It was hilarious because I was half asleep and still mildly delusional and started talking about the importance of the Paris Expo. And she wrote it down in my file!
She looks kind of like Saffy from Absolutely Fabulous, so my mom and I call her Dr. Saffy. She’s even super smart like Saffy.
It was really nice to see her at the hospital, she was one of the only GP’s to do rounds in the psych ward. And it’s so important to see people you know when you’re in a place like that. I have always enjoyed seeing the people who have come to visit me, even when I’m in a funny state like that. I’m sure I said some crazy things to all of them, but mostly I just appreciated not being left to rot. I felt bad for some of the patients, like some of the elderly ones, who never seemed to get visitors.
I also feel bad for patients who have to rely on Medi clinics. Not having that regular continuity of care sucks. Even though my doctor’s on leave, at least my file is still going to go to the next doctor and they’ll see years of notes.
Dr. Saffy is the one who got me into the psych ward the last time, my mum was making appointments for me with her and talking to her about what was going on and I was just out of it so I don’t really remember too much about my interactions with her. Just the appointment on the day of going in to the hospital and I was so sure I was dying because I felt weird and she said I was fine except she thought I needed to go to the hospital. And I trusted her so I went.
And it was fine.
She’s been there for all kinds of medical issues, from burning off warts to doing pap smears to testing me for whatever bizarre things I thought I had, and sometimes I was
right.
Even when I was considering transitioning she was being an excellent doctor and looking into what my medical needs would be.
I will miss her terribly and look forward to being in her care again.

My gamer past

I’ve never been big into video games. I remember the first ones, that were just blocks of colour moving around like Atari’s ET, which was the worst video game ever. All that would happen is he’d fall into a pit and you couldn’t get out. His neck would move up and down and he’d walk back and forth, but that’s all it was. ET falling into a pit.

And then there was Pacman, and I even convinced my mum to buy Pacman cereal. And then of course that notorious feminist Ms. Pacman.

Gauntlet was great fun, my cousin Luke and I used to go to the arcade on Broadway with some quarters and play for as long as we could. But because it was in an arcade, we didn’t play ALL DAY! We could have though, it was fun.

Then there was Nintendo, with such favorites as Caveman Games, where the object was to do caveman things like start a fire with two sticks and swing a woman around by the hair and throw her. Yeah, I was a kid but even then I thought that was a bit much.

But Mario Brothers sucked up most of my time. Super Mario Brothers, all the way to Super Mario 4.

As an adult I’ve seen my best friend have a serious addiction to Katamari Damacy, and I loved that game too, enough to buy the PSP 2 console just to play it. But since Mario Brothers I’ve never had an addiction on a game. My Mum was addicted to Dr. Mario once, and another friend’s mom was addicted to Legend of Zelda.

But today I came SO CLOSE to signing up for World Of Warcraft, thinking I should give it a chance. And then I thought, No. Too many people get addicted to that crazy game and let it suck away their lives.

I’m not big into video games anymore, but I sure do love facebook.

Here is someone more successful at ET than me.

Needs Curtains

The first time I went crazy I ripped all the curtains off the windows. And the weird thing is I remember how much work went into those cheap little curtains. A friend remarked how he had never gone into a house without curtains before.

I don’t have curtains again, but I didn’t rip them down in a fit of pique this time. They just never got put up. I was standing on my bed today and looking out the window and thinking to myself: If I ever want to convince someone cute to have sex in this room, I ought to have some curtains. After all, one never knows when something particularly acrobatic could occur.

Don’t ask why I was standing on the bed.

Since lighting this love candle I’ve felt small changes in my life. My libido’s going back to normal instead of non-existent, and I’m noticing cute women, and I’m actually curious about who I’m going to meet. Instead of just feeling sad about my last affair.

I mean look, I must be nesting if I am thinking about curtains. It’s the practical things.

And I admit I have had some smokes. But I really am quitting this time. I keep putting my patch on and go for several hours before smoking. But even that has to stop, and it will.

I think I have an addictive personality. I like things that can fit in my routine and make me feel better. Like writing, or coffee, or cigarettes or any of my other vices. Well, writing’s not a vice, except when you’re suffering extreme hypergraphia and have manic energy and a world wide platform like the internet.

I’ve definitely had an interesting life so far. And I’m 31 years old now! I’m getting old. I still don’t have many white hairs, but they are there. Actually I’ve found white hairs starting when I was nineteen. But there weren’t many, ever, even now. My Grandpa’s 90 and some of his hair is still dark, he doesn’t have much dark hairs left, but still, at 90!

I had my bipolar duty to go get blood levels checked since they hadn’t been checked since October! Anyway, I had thought it would be a smooth operation (I don’t know why, my veins are little titchy goobs that no one can find!) so I was watching her put the needle in and then she couldn’t get anything out of me but one feeble spurt. So she got another nurse (or technician or whatever they are) to do it and she got it really fast and it didn’t involve all that poking around the last one did. OH MAN! I thought I was tough but I got a total queasy tummy looking at all that and all that pain and I was worried I was gonna throw up. And still I had to get a prescription and an appointment with the nurse, all while just wanting to go pop some gravol.

By the way, ginger gravol really works!

Grubby, but not grubs

It’s high time I had a shower. Since lighting my love candle I have noticed myself taking care of myself better in the hopes it will attract someone more than grubby careless me. But my hot water is off because I couldn’t pay the bill. So I am unable to shower unless I go to Mum’s. And I haven’t been to Mum’s in a couple days.

Grubby me all over again!

When I got out of the hospital the first time I didn’t shower as frequently as I should have. I was so depressed I didn’t have the energy to shower, nor did I see the point.

The other day if you were around my house in the morning you might have seen a chubby half naked lesbian chasing a little orange pussy, and that would have been me. That bad Schrodinger got out and was making a daring escape for it while I was checking the mailbox. He’s done this to me before, which makes me think I should change the way I check my mail. Wearing clothes while doing it would be a good start.

In truth I should get a bathrobe. I used to have one, but it got burnt because it was the bathrobe I wore for 6 weeks straight in the hospital. And it was covered with tobacco stains besides. Pretty gross!

I’m hungry. I’m waiting for my mommy to pick me up so I can have a shower and eat. I slept some this afternoon. Tomorrow I’m working two short shifts, with a doctor’s appointment in the middle.

Oh noes! Nausea!

Maybe I should get some pepto bismol. I am home sick from work, I went and everything but as I was sitting there doing my job I started feeling REALLY sick, like seconds away from vomiting. So I had to go tell the in charge and go home and I feel bad about it. It seems to be passing, but then it will come back in like waves. Waves of nausea. GRODY!

So I’m home again. Wondering what to do. I have been wearing the patch for about three hours now and no smokes, but I might have ONE last one. I am wondering if I am getting nausea from the patch? I really shouldn’t have one. Dammit!
See, this is what happens when you blog from freely flowing thought, you argue with yourself on live internet.

Okay, I’m having one but I put the rest of the pack in the freezer so I can’t see it on the desk and automatically reach for one. I am smoking it now. I like not smoking, but there’s always this idea that I can have the ideal last cigarette. Whatever that is.

And hopefully I don’t drop dead after my last cigarette. But anyway, here goes.

So far it is like any cigarette I have ever smoked. It is merely average. It is a DuMaurier Distinct King Size. I’ve smoked a lot of different kinds of cigarettes, but this is the brand I smoked primarily, even though it was more expensive and I lived in Vancouver half of my smoking life with no treaty discount. All those taxes. This brand used to be known as DuMaurier Light King Size. They were legally required to change the name because it was alleged that people smoked lights more often because it sounded healthier, when they are all the same in regards to what they do to your body.

I used to really like smoking when I wrote.

One of the problems with my smoking is the ashtray. It often smolders and could possibly start a fire.

It never has, but one of my close friends started a fire with her cigarette. And all the spontaneous combustion cases I have heard of involved a smoker. Like poor Mary Reeser.

My smoke is over, and so is my smoking life. Actually it turned out to be a very nice smoke, because I thought so much about it and wrote this.

I’m looking forward to being a non-smoker. No more gross mouth, no more ashtray. No more smelliness. I never have a girlfriend when I am a smoker. And I’ve smoked on and off for eight years. My last dates were while I wasn’t smoking. There is just something about it, I’m almost certain my pitiful love life has to do with my smoking. And probably the four combined years of recovering from episodes. All in all I’ve been always moving around or not able to be involved for whatever reason. It’s been strange. But I’m still hoping that just by quitting smoking again, I will magically attract non smoking girls.

Right now my stomach feels fine. What if it’s morning sickness?

An interesting fact: Parthenogenesis can happen to a woman all by herself, one egg will somehow (I forget how they explain this works) fertilize another egg from the same woman.

This makes me worry I am knocked up by some fluke egg collision.

Which is hilarious.

Another interesting fact: Since there are only X chromosomes in eggs, the resulting baby would be a girl.

It’s also called Virgin Birth, as I mentioned in the last post, which makes me wonder . . .

If this is what happened to Mary, Jesus must have been a woman.

I don’t know anything about intersexed people and parthenogenesis. So I’m not sure if Jesus could have been intersexed. But that’s possible too I imagine.

So there you go, a female or intersexed Jesus. It boggles the mind. Well, not really.

Wet and Wild

It’s a monday morning, I have to go to work soon but I thought I would write a small blog first.

I am quitting smoking today! Yes! I have the patch on, smoked my last three cigarettes, and am just going to quit like that.

My little kids are fine. I call them my kids but they are the dog and cat. They’ve grown up with each other and are best friends, it’s very cute. When I first got the dog, the cat would attack him, and he was just a tiny bad kitten then. The dog was a year old already and would give me this look as the kitten was wailing on him and I would try to seperate them but the cat freaked out everytime I put him in another room or his crate just to give the dog some peace and quiet. Poor Mister.

In other news, I still seem to be hung up on my last, for lack of a better word, girlfriend. I miss her terribly and wish I could go for coffee again with her, because she was like my best friend while we were together and it was always fun, until I went crazy. She says she’s forgiven me for all the crazy emails I sent her, but she doesn’t want to see me again until I can be open with my friends about wanting to see her. I am open with my friends about wanting to see her again and they all just say that I should be over it already.

But I lost my virginity to her, which already makes her special, and then I fell in love with her twice, once when I was a teen and once when I was an adult, and it’s hard to shake that. I really did want to just marry her and even have babies with her, though I don’t know where we would get the sperm. When I was crazy I thought we could get a baby through parthanogenesis, and then it would be a virgin birth! And then we would raise some lesbian saviour or something. It was all very convoluted, and probably one of the reasons she doesn’t want to see me again. Pushing my bipolar eggs on her.

I’ve been stable for a long time now and it makes me feel like I could do a relationship again, no major issues and all that. But I feel bad for my next girlfriend because I am still hung up on my last one. I know that’s mostly because I haven’t MET my next girlfriend yet and don’t know all the delicious surprises in store, but I still feel like I’m cheating her out of having someone whose heart is fully open to someone new. Someone told me I should go for different types, but when I think of all my past lovers and people I’ve necked with, I’ve never had one distinct type or anything. I’ve had butch and femme lovers. And I fell in love with a butch once, really hard! I dunno.

Spring is bringing my sex drive back, but I am still seeing my psychiatrist this week to get a reduced antidepressant dose to try and bring me back to where I was, all wet and wild and happy.