This Christmas I got the stupidest present ever.
My sister gave me three fake pears. And that was it. What the hell?
I gave her bath bombs, that’s way better than a fake pear.
Tomorrow night is the big tobogganing party.
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the terrible crazy break up and heart break.
It was with my first true love too, which made everything way more intense. Plus I haven’t had strong feelings for someone in a long time.
And she also happened to be an exceptional kisser.
When she kissed me the whole world fell away. It was just that kind of a kiss. And she was just amazing, totally smart, funny, kinda morbid in a cool way. I really did have serious hopes about her. We just fit really well together.
I miss her. I would’ve married her.
I had an excellent conversation with my friend Robin who said I was a hot butch and did I really think seriously about this and I dunno, I started talking about my doubts. Like, the breast thing, that nipple issue, it was enough to put me off. She was talking about how masculinity can live in a female body.
I guess that’s what Shawna meant too, she told me about women who take on masculine pronouns but are still women. I’m not sure. Life’s pretty confusing.
Besides, I kind of like being a girl. I don’t know how to explain it. I love that I contradict myself over and over. Like, you would not believe how sexy this bra I’m wearing is.
I don’t know what else to say about the gender switch, but I do like being a butch. I think there’s something inherantly comfortable to me being butch. I just like it. I don’t know why. I used to feel really uncomfortable with it, but I haven’t been harrassed since I was in high school.
Of course, I lived in a big city for nine years.
The Vancouver Years. I miss them. I don’t miss being hungry though.
So life is ticking along. It’s almost Christmas. And it seems like September was only yesterday. I’m going tobogganing with my cousins at Diefenbaker Hill at night sometime soon.
I still miss the girl I went crazy on. Fuck I hate going crazy. Oh well. Heart break happens.