I found out that I am not getting that place in October or November, I guess the guys living there decided to stay. Unfortunately there is a housing crisis here in Saskatoon, which means things are a little lean on the home front. My mom’s going to be keeping my dog until I get into a housing co-op, which has a waiting list of about a year. I feel bad for having to leave my dog behind, but he’s pretty happy here, and I’ll visit him all the time.
I finally wrote my final report for Canada Council for my screenplay, now all I have to do is throw it in the mail. yay! That means I’ll be able to write my next grant, for XX Marks The Spot, a look at gender and the genome, and my homelands.
Aside from that I am just struggling with a mild depression. I am wondering if people can die from boredom. According to the sign at the bin, boredom is a choice. Who would choose it though?
Well I’m here in Banff for the Interactive Screen 0.7. Last night someone got accidentally hit in the head with a video projector. All I can say is dude, that totally sucks! I’d feel so guilty if I accidentally hit someone in the head with a large heavy object like that. The projector was okay but he still has a headache and some neck pain.
I’m working on my dangerous bird project, I’ve been having issues with it, but I think it finally makes some sense now. It’s not so complicated as I thought it would be. I want to go take some pictures out at Cranberry Flats when I get back to town.
I’m thinking I want to go see the St. Louis Ghost Train when I get back too. I don’t know when. But I went last summer and was disappointed, so I want to go again and see if it makes any sense this time. Anyway, yeah.
My transitioning is weird, I am supposed to wait for myself to stabilize, but I feel pretty stable right now. Hmm. Recovering from a manic episode sucks ass man. I’m glad the rough parts of it are over though.
Anyway, I think I might deek into the dining hall and eat early, so that’s where I’m headed now.
Stoned love . . . I’m supposed to quit pot, but I don’t wanna. I guess it’s my one weak spot in the armour, but I can’t help it. Everyone needs at least one vice in order to be a fully rounded member of society in my view. Unfortunately I also have the vice of smoking, which is an unruly, expensive, smelly habit, with little to no redeeming value. I had quit for a number of months until I ended up back in the bin.
I don’t know how to describe smoking and being in the bin. I think it’s really difficult to quit in that kind of situation, because it’s often the only socially acceptable behaviour that everyone can agree on. Plus at the bin I was in, it was the only excuse to leave the ward and go stand by the river in nearly idyllic surroundings. You would not believe the number of smokers in the bin.
But the nice part about smoking is that it was a chance to bond with fellow patients. Leaving the judgemental gaze of the nurses was nice, and people could swap tips on how to get out quicker.
I got released MOSTLY because I was ready to be released, but also partially because there was a looming strike vote among the social workers and pharmacists, and they needed people out as quick as possible. For a brief time, the only requirements for release was that you had somewhere to sleep. I remember one fellow patient telling me “I prayed to God so hard that they would strike!” They didn’t strike, but they did go from having 30 beds to having 10, and that was extreme. Luckily I was ready to leave.
Recovery from a manic episode takes a long damn time though. I keep feeling better with each week that passes, but it’s hard. I do notice a difference though, as time slowly ticks by I have more energy, slightly more optimism. I don’t know how to explain the humiliation that happens after each episode abates, but it’s crushing. Luckily for the most part I can forget it, except that I ruined an awfully lovely relationship of sorts with an awfully lovely person, and that it probably what still haunts me today. I don’t know how to get over that.
Don’t bogart that joint my friend . . .
it’s a nice calm Sunday morning. I’m drinking coffee and reading Facebook. I don’t know why I get addicted to these sites except that it’s nice reading about my friends. I’ve decided to apply for the directors lab at the Canadian Film Centre in Toronto. I think I need a chance to work on my directorial skills. Sometimes I’m not too sure about them, but I know if I got more training I would have it down pat. So far I’ve only directed my friends and myself, so a little more work on my skills would be good.
In less than a week I’ll be at Banff, working on a new project, Dangerous Bird. It’s kind of a funny ode to the war on terror, with a cryptozoology twist.
I’ve been seriously considering joining a local ghost hunting group, on the paranormal end of things. I’ve been wanting to join one for ages. All I know about ghost hunting I learned from Yvette Fielding! Seriously though, I’ve had way too many encounters with the unknown to dismiss ghosts. I think poltergeists are the scariest ones I’ve run into. They are so crabby. Anyway, it would also be a good chance for me to meet more people in this town, which is something I need to do. I’m glad to notice I’m steadily expanding my repetoire of friends here in Saskatoon. I really didn’t have too many before.
Transitioning to a guy is a funny process. So far it’s been getting people used to my new name, the pronouns are taking a while to come to people’s lips though. I’m doing good but I’ll be glad when the FTM group starts again. I need to have some support in this. I dunno. It’s good to have support groups for this kind of stuff. I’m excited about starting hormones although I don’t know when it will happen. Sometime in the next year I guess. It’s irritating having to wait, but I’m glad I’ll be stabilized when it starts. I have no idea how moody I’ll get. But that one shot I had didn’t make me feel like, ragey or moody or anything. In fact, I felt perfectly normal.
Maybe that’s how my transition will be. Just normal. I hope so. Testosterone: An Encounter With the Unknown.
I’m sitting in my mother’s basement scratching my brains for some new information to put here. Well, in a week and a bit I am heading off to Banff for Interactive Screen 0.7. I’m not entirely sure what to expect, except that it will be fun and I will get to work on a new project. There are a lot of panels and so on, so it should be exciting, I hope. There’s rumours that it’s the hot place to go in Canada for sex, but I dunno, my sex drive is pretty pitiful these days.
We just got through some record heatwaves and I really noticed how they affected my mood, I got all depressed and listless and felt hopeless. Some of that is due to my housing situation, and now a new situation in regards to my finances. I’m feeling pretty good but not good enough to work, and my illness benefits with E.I. are coming to an end. This means I have to get a letter from my doctor saying I’m ready to go back to work or I have to go on Social Assistance entirely until I move in October, HOPEFULLY. I say hopefully because the worst case scenario is that I can’t move until November. Everything seems so up in the air right now. And I’m still waiting for my doctor to decide I am stabilized enough to get on hormones. That could be a few months still.
Not to mention I am getting packer envy. I really want a Mr. Right packer, and that’s not going to happen for a while yet. I also really want a chest binder and that’s in the works for later on when I can find a talented seamstress who is up to the task. I asked my friend Megan but she was non-commital, which makes sense since she’s really busy these days. It will happen, I know.
And one more month until the FTM group gets going again. LIFE IS WEIRD> I’m missing having a proper working keyboard for my computer in case you were wondering. Sometimes it goes to all caps for no reason.
I’ve decided to apply to the CFC for the Director’s Program, which is about five months. I’m thinking I should do SOMETHING, and they want you to have a feature screenplay for it. The tuition is a fair chunk, but I think my band will cover it.